Molestation!!!!

[green 6]

I feel for you, jq. You and your childhood friend went through the same bad times as children and now he has been busted for one of the most heinous crimes possible and his lawyer wants you to stand up for him. He was, as many others have already suggested, undoubtedly molested as a child himself. It was this that damaged him. Poor guy.

Nevertheless, the prognosis for curing these guys seems to be poor and even though he may have an explanation for his behaviour he shouldn't be inflicting this kind of pain, humiliation and long term damage on kids. Although I feel sorry for him I am inclined to think that he should be kept away from society because this will prevent him from hurting any more kids.

[CCBSTX 0]

So sorry for your friend's children and wife. How horrible!

Some are born evil.

Some are reared by sick parents and produce sick children.

They all need help.

The problem with sexual perpetrators, is they many times don't respond well to treatment.

Many people are from abusive homes. Including me. Most turn out ok. It's the minority that repeat their childhood.

The solutions aren't simple. Castration, lock em up, death penalty, intensive counseling, are all options in my book

God bless the children.

Shawn

[ralheit 1]

My comments of some people just being evil doesn't have anything to do with God and faulting God in anyway. I'm no expert to say what causes this in a person, but you can't tell me that people like Manson and other serial offenders aren't evil. And there is no rehabilitation for those kind of people. Why they are evil and do the things they do, who knows. But God doesn't make them that way. I believe in a loving and forgiving God. But I also believe in justice and someone like that doesn't deserve sympathy or compasion, they don't show it for any of their victims. And I don't consider a prostitute to be evil in any way.

[Kat817 19]

I think both sides of this discussion have merit. I too know people working in the penal system, and they agree saying they (the molesters) will be back to the old tricks if let go. That they opt out of treatment when it is available. But I also see how it could be viewed as an illness. I do not know anyone personally who is the type of molester your friend has turned out to be...as far as I know, I suppose any one of us could be blind sided by something such as this, just as you were John. But, from books I have read and shows I have seen on TV, it does not appear that the molester is enjoying themselves 24/7, and excited and happy about what they do. It seems an urge they are unable to control, and once it has been attended to, by molesting a child, they seem remorseful, and full of a different type of rage. Rape itself is a crime of rage, not sexual pleasure, so while castration may answer the repeat crime of rape, it will not address the rage that leads to it. I do not have an answer, I have little in the way of new ideas to even offer...about all I can do at this point is mourn the innocence of the children, and pray for peace for them.

As far as testifying, I would let the DA know he would have to subpeoana me. And then, rather than trying to "help" your friend (or however you choose to view him now, it would be hard to know), I would just be honest, answer both attorneys questions willingly. Seeing you testify, that yes you too had been raised similarly, and that you did not know what he was doing, and that you, yourself have never done such a thing, may give his children hope. Because even though you 2 were raised similarly, you are different people. My brother and I were raised in exactly the same home, and by the same parents in a stable 2 parent home. We were never exposed to drugs, or alcohol in extremes, when punished we were treated fairly and the same. He however has a very addictive personality and has battled with both drugs when he was younger and is an alcholic (sober for 7+ years). I have never had a problem with anything but food...even though we were raised the same, the outcome was different, he also has a learning disability that I do not...so really comparing the 2 of you is not fair to either of you. Relax John, you made the right decision...you were true to yourself, you visited while not condoning what he did. What he did is not something you knew about or could have prevented. If forced to testify, keep his kids in mind, and be honest, show them they can be different, just as you were. Compassionate, caring, and not abusive.

Will keep all of you in my prayers...

Kat

[Carlene 12]

The problem with locking up pedophiles and letting them go again, treatment or no treatment, is that some experts in the field do not believe they can be rehabilitated. And that may be true. Pedophiles are sexually attracted to children - some to boys and some to girls. It's next to impossible to council people into adopting a sexual orientation that just doesn't do it for them. Could you be counseled into lusting after 6 year olds? If you're straight, could you get enough psychotherapy to make you want to have sex with someone of the same gender? So it is with pedophiles.

Are they sick, or just "different"? I don't know, but it's clear that society should not take a chance on one of them re-offending, and that means locking them up somewhere FOREVER. That's what I would do if I were queen of the world....one strike and you're OUT. I know that sounds harsh, but I think that to do otherwise is taking a big, big chance, and when these guys fail, it's a child who pays the price. We have to protect the children. Even if we trample on some pervert's civil rights in the process. Of course, it will never happen that way, but that's my opinion. It's free, and worth every cent.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

jqPublic

Your friend was molested! It's a vicious circle! He does it because it was done to him.

I am so sorry but that is the WORSTE excuse on the face of the earth.

I spent almost all of my childhood being raped, molested and left alone by my parents because they didn't believe me. NOT once has the urge to hurt someone else ever come over me. Not even for the most split second.

Saying "I rape because I was raped" is a a disgusting horrible excuse. When it comes down to it there is NO excuse. We all make choices everyday that affect not only us but others. If you choose to hurt someone that is the choice you make, no one hold a gun to your head and makes you do it.

It is a sick twisted person that rapes and molests. Man or woman it is horrible. The aftershock is something that no one will understand unless you have the unfortunate experience.

Being a victim is NO REASON to turn someone else into one.

If I had my way every last one of them would be castrated.

[*susan* 1,709]

This is close to something that happened to my family. My parents had been friends with another couple since high school. We would spend several nights a week with each other, take vacations together, etc. All of us kids were good friends. We moved to Florida, but still my parents kept in constant touch with them and they saw each other often. One day, they stopped calling. They wouldn't return my parents phone calls either. My dad finally got her to answer one day and she started crying and told my dad they had lost all of their friends because of something her husband had done and they were afraid of losing my parents too. It turns out that one day, in the local elementary school the police were there doing a session with the kids. They were discussing the difference between "good touch" and "bad touch". Afterwords, a little girl went up to the police and started crying. She said her neighbor had "bad touched" her this week even though she knew it was bad and asked him to stop, but he wouldn't. It turns out that little girl was our friends neighbor and my parents friend had been the one who had sexually molested this six year old girl. Needless to say, he was arrested. Unfortunately, because it was his "first offense" he only served three months in one of the nearly hotel like minimum security correctional facilities. He was 65 years old and claimed since retiring he was bored and that is why he did it. He also claims he had never done anything like this before. I am ashamed to admit my parents have remained friends with this man. Yet, when we watch the news together and they hear of someone else doing the same thing, they are shocked, horrified and believe they should be shot or worse. Yet, they remain friends with someone who did this to a six year old? I don't get it. How would they have felt if he had done this to me, or one of my children? I have completely disassociated myself with him. When they come to visit my parents, my parents get upset with me because I refuse to come over and see them. Most importantly, I refuse to allow my children, especially my daughter, to be around him. At the time, I was working for a behavioral healthcare facility. I personally believed that one does not turn 65, retire, decide they are bored and molest the little girl next door. My own opinion was this was not his first time, it was just the first time he got caught. The psychiatrists where I was working at the time agreed.

I am sorry, but I do not feel sorry for these people. Just because they may have had a crappy childhood, were abused or whatever does not excuse them for the choices they make and the actions they do as an adult. We need to quit allowing people to blame their actions on other people. They did it, no one held a gun to their head and forced them to do it and they need to own up to what they did, take responsibility for it and accept the punishment (hopefully a harsh one) that is given to them.

Sorry, but this is just something I feel very strongly about.

[Carlene 12]

When my children were growing up they raced bicycles. BMX (bicycle motocross) is not a lot of fun for uninvolved adults. Unless you have a child (or grandchild) racing, or you own a bike shop, there is just no payoff. It's an outside sport - freezing in the winter and hot as hell in the summer. It's expensive....a bike, a set of leathers and a helmet can easily set you back $800 to $1,000. And the "big" races - district, state, and nationals - require very hefty entry fees.

There was an older man when we started racing who seemed always to be at the track. Everyone called him "Doc". He had no affiliation with a bike shop, nor did he have a child/grandchild who raced. When I asked what the deal was, everyone told me that "he just loves kids". The first time I saw him kiss a 7 year old boy on the mouth at the finish line, I knew in my heart that he didn't "love" kids....he used them. And I was astounded that no one else seemed to find his behavior questionable.

Doc took kids to out of town races, paid all their expenses (including hotel rooms), and called them his "team". I began to suggest to some of those parents that this might not be a good idea. It was rumored thereafter that I was jealous because Doc hadn't "picked up" my kids for his team. We lost some good friends as a result of my suspicions (or "allegations", as they called them).

Years later - and after my kids had all outgrown their love of BMX - we heard on the news that a man had been arrested for molesting over a dozen little boys, going back 10 years. It was Doc.

I am amazed at what child molesters get by with, in the guise of "friend of the family". If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are it's a duck.

[Sandybells 0]

Carlene, I believe in instinct so much. Glad you did not let the others dissuade you from that intuitive feeling. I always think that of those who have the odd interest in other people's kids. You saved your own kids from a very sad childhood. So sad/bad the others did'nt see it.

People... take heed!

Is this always true? Of course not...Do you think it is worth the risk? Hell no!

[KariK 0]

Hm all I can say is, if my very best friend in the world, even if it was my sister, was found to be guilty of molesting a child, she better not let me near her because Id kill her myself. And if anyone did any of that sick stuff to my kids, I'd kill them slow and painful as possible. Id want to revive them so I could kill them again and again. I swear to God. I have a six month old so maybe my hormones are just on high level but I swear I could and would kill for my children. I understand that people have sicknesses and problems but when it comes to children there is just no room for tolerance.

[SuperDaddy! 1]

Well...if I may be so bold as to suggest something to you both (JQ and tired old man)...I would suggest that you're both right, and perhaps misundertanding each other a little as well.

My wife was abused by her brother's best friend as a child (oddly enough, his name was Eric, too). My childhood youth pastor was recently charged with several counts of indecent exposure and lude conduct. Are these people inherantly evil...well, Biblically speaking YES! But guess what? So are you. And so am I.

I would like to share my perspective on this that is based on scripture from the Bible. I do not wish to offend anyone, but it would seem as though my opinion is as valid as the many others here.

My favorite book (chapter, if you will) in the Bible is the book of Romans. The apostle Paul wrote it 2,000 years ago to affirm a group of Christians in Rome, and he rebuked the lawless, godless superpower of the day that was the Roman empire. Romans 3:23 says "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God". Since the first sin, there has a been a separation between God and Man. We live in a fallen world. We are bombarded daily by sexual perversion, greed, and godlessness. It is flaunted in front of us like a merit badge in the media. There is not one man alive, nor one that has ever lived, that can bridge that gap between God and ourselves.

The great news is that God sent a savior to redeem us. That's Jesus. This is not some cute little story, is the very purpose of our existence. Romans 3:24 continues on that we are "justified freely by his grace through the redemtion that came by Jesus Christ." Romans 6:23 offers a similar passage: "For the wages of sin is death [Hell], but the gift of God is eternal life [Heaven] in Christ Jesus our Lord."

So in other words, we have all sinned, and we are all in need of the same redemption, the same savior. It is not my part, nor anyone else for that matter, to try and judge these people. But God will judge each of us, and our acceptance of Jesus and his gift of sacrifice will be the only thing that spares us. What a marvelous free gift. I wish I could tell you all in person how great it is to know that the God of the Universe sent his only son to rescue even a messed up dude like me!

In regards to your friend Eric (and my former youth pastor), I fear for them, as the Bible also states "woe to you who lead these children astray! It would be better if you had never been born!". The children he molested will have scares and damage for life. He has allowed this "sick" world to manifest it's perversion through innocent children. It's so devastating

I, too, struggle with weakness and sin daily. But I have hidden hope in my heart because of Jesus. I'm sure that many will read this and scoff, but I am speaking the truth...and I pray that even one of you heard it and earnestly seeks his amazing grace and peace for your life today.

Jon

[Wheetsin 714]

it does not appear that the molester is enjoying themselves

So true. Very, very, very few molesters engage in acts of molestation for sexual pleasure. It's much more about control, aggression, retaliation, etc. Think of a negative behavior, and feel assured that there is deeper meaning there than you can see. Most people don't commit suicide because they're tired of living, they do it to hurt someone else.

I assisted in a counseling session with a pedophile once, a man who had a fondness for pre-pubescent girls. He had a disorder that left him with a very small penis. His efforts at normal sexual relationships all ended in him being made fun of, rejected, isolated and deeply inadequate, which was internalized into aggression toward women. He started taking this aggression out on young girls. Why young girls? Because he could easily control them, because they would submit to him and cry and do all of the things he needed them to do in order to feel that he was once again in charge of things. And also because they were sexually inexperienced, and "wouldn't know any better" or know to make fun of him about the size of his penis. He was disgusted by him actions. He hated that he did it. Yet he continued to do it because his drive to achieve all of the feelings that the molestation gave him (not sexual feelings, but the control feelings) was greater than his will to stop molesting. This is just one experience, but hopefully it helps to show the kinds of things other than sexual gratification that drive the behavior.

It is a mental illness. Although under entirely different circumstances, "I hate that I do this, I want to stop doing this, I just can't help but do it and sabotage myself" -- I heard that with him, and I hear it here. And I hear it with alcoholics. I don't hear it as frequently with drug abusers, but I do hear it. For people with an addiction disorder, what they get out of doing something is so strong and so powerful that they cannot break the cycle of doing it, just as it was with the man and young girls. It's not saying "overeating is the same thing as raping a child", it's saying both things are driven by stuff buried deep down, and that on a fundamental level both can be driven by the same root behaviors... it's just a completely different means of expression.

You know, a few weeks ago at a support group I sometimes go to, the program's psychologist came to talk with us. Without calling it such, he was talking about the compulsion to overeat, and eating addiction, and how to change the behaviors around overeating... how to re-channel the energy and effort without getting into a cycle of swapping addictions. During his talk, the nurse who was there leading the session, her cell phone rang. Her ring was the theme of some TV show. A few people recognized the tone and started giggling. To excuse the interruption she said, "Well I guess we all have our addictions." I made the comparison to: One of these days I'm going to lead a support group for child molesters, and when I walk in I'm going to throw down my Prada bag and say, "Well, we all have our temptations." And then I'm going to ask the group if they feel supported.

BTW, the man I referened above had never been molested. He came from a very warm, nurturing, stable household.

[mousecrazy 2]

John, I am not going to argue T.O.M.'s or anyone else's point of view here, because I do not believe you came to us looking for a political/social argument. You came here for support and understanding.

I understand how angry and sad you feel. It is a betrayal in a way. Your friend did not betray you exactly, but your values, that you believed were shared. You have reached out to him in Christian love, between you and him. You have done what you are obligated to do. I am sure you are praying for him, as well as his wife and family, especially the children. But, John, I think it would be right for you to tell your friend that you cannot provide him with an "explanation" for his behavior. I would visit him again, and tell him myself. You have the courage to do this, while many would not. You do not have to testify against him, or for him. His actions speak for themselves. You do not have to provide him with a way out, if it goes against your conscience. If others do not have this problem, that is their belief and their choice. You do. That is your belief and your decision. Who dares to convince you that your beliefs are wrong or unsophisticated?

I know I will take much flack for these comments, but that is okay. I think you need someone who has your back on this, and I agree with you that people make choices. They are not just victims to the "luck of the draw" as you have so clearly proved in your own life.

Hugs to you, and I will pray for all, as you have requested.

C.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

It is easy to say, “lock them up and throw away the key”.

It is easy to say, “castrate them or execute them”.

It is easy to say, “let me at them. I'll kill them myself”.

But there are an estimated 10,000,000 of them out there. 90% or 9,000,000 are unknown except to their victims.

Some personal observations:

The uncle that molested my niece is the nicest guy in the world (or so it would seem). If I invited any LBT member to my home and we had a large get together, this church going man would be the last person guessed as a pedophile. There are 9,000,000 more just like him out there.

From 12 step meetings that I have attended, like “Over-Eaters Anonymous”, “Al-Anon” and “Codependents Anonymous”, I have come across many victims of pedophilia. Believe it or not, I can be a very good listener and I have had many platonic female relationships in which women have told me of being molested as children. The numbers are staggering.

We already have the largest prison system in the world. It would need to be 5 times larger than it already is. I guess if we do away with Medicare and Social Security, or the “Department of Defense” we could afford the prisons. Or we could build a new “Roman Coliseum” and have them fight to the death or feed them to alligators and lions. Or we could castrate them, but some that have been castrated have raped with broom-sticks or Coke bottles.< /p>

The experts say that they can not be rehabilitated. My guess is that there are some that can't, but some that can. My best friend became a crack addict. She went through a rehab and went back to her habit within weeks. But then she went through a program that had one of the highest success rates in the USA; over 65%. My niece went through that same program and was one of the 35% of the failures, as was my best friend's ex-husband who she met in after-care. But she and her new husband are each clean now for 14 years. The first thing that the new governor of NY did when he got into office was cut funding for that institute and state colleges, while increasing funding for prison construction. The program that saved my friend and her new husband had to cut their program from 60 days to 30 days because of the budget cuts. Their success rate has suffered.

My point about drug rehabilitation is that many say that it doesn't work, but many have a vested interest in making sure it doesn't work. Cutting the funding for drug rehabilitation guarantees more drug addicts and more drug crime. Over half the people in prison are there for drug related crimes. So by cutting the rehab budget, there would be a need for more prisons. Why didn't the new governor of NY increase the budget for rehab and then maybe NY would have needed less prisons? He claimed to be an anti-crime in his campaign, but by cutting the budget, he allowed more crimes, but more punishment.

The same may be true of sex offenders. Most people who claim that rehabilitation does not work are looking at studies of people who were in jail and went for one hour a week or a people who were treated on the outside and went an hour or two a week. The people who went to by friend's rehabilitation facility went for counseling 8 hours a day, 6 days a week and had homework. Why don't we try that on sex offenders?

If we caught all 10,000,000 of them and made them register, there would be no-place to house them, so a better solution is needed.

Part of my two part solution is not going to stop many of the sex offenders now, because they still have to be caught to be treated. The other part is to have counseling for convicted sex offenders similar to what my friend went through for her crack addiction; 8 hours a day, 6 days a week while in a mental health facility dedicated to rehabilitation.

The other part is to identify the children that will become the next generation of sex offenders. We need group therapy type sessions in elementary schools and middle schools for every child. You may laugh, but while identifying the sex offenders of the future in time for counseling to be affective, we might also pick out the bullies of the future and the children who go on to be the “Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold's” of the future.

I know that my idea will never be put into practice. There will be religious arguments against it and there will be money concerns, but can we keep building prisons and jails, and warehousing about one of every 130 people in the USA? About one out of every 75 males are in jail or prison right now. If we could find and lock up every pedophile, we would have one out of every 15 males in prisons or jails.

Pedophilia is not something new. It is not caused by the internet. It is our hidden secret. We can keep it hidden or we can try to eradicate it. We can try to eradicate it by incarceration or by eliminating it before it happens. We can show mercy for the victims and we can reduce the number of victims. But we can not threaten castration, execution, life imprisonment and/or a life marked by registration and harassment, if we expect to be able to treat people for their illness.

No, I do not want pedophiles living near me. But they are. About 90% of them have no record and they are among us. Congressman Mark Foley was one of the biggest advocates of “get tough on sex offenders”, but he was one of them.

There are no easy solutions.

Punishment is the easy answer.

Punishment does not work. We must think of a better way.

[mousecrazy 2]

This thread was started by JQPublic to express his feelings about a friend, and the emotional distress that friend's actions have caused him and his family.

John, how are you feeling today?