Totally off topic...long,personal.

[DeLarla 22]

Chantal, I've been with my husband 13 years. Five years ago, I filed for divorce because he lost control of his drinking after his child was taken in the divorce. You describe a lot of how Chris used to be. I got lucky though, because the divorce papers whacked him back into reality, and he hasn't had a drop of liquor since.

He's very irresponsible, but at least now it's in cute ways to make me happy. For example, checks are bouncing and bills are late, but he's spending a fortune so we can go camping this weekend, while I'd rather spend the money to relieve my stress over our financial affairs. I took on a part time job that barely pays minimum wage. So I'm trying to swim, while he's adding weights to my ankles, but at least the arguing has stopped and we still laugh and love.

My biggest piece of advice is to give this a long though and ask yourself this simple question: "Do I want to be in this same situation in five years?"

If your answer is no, then you have to do something now. Make a list of all the things you've tried in the past to fix this situation. Then make a list of things you haven't tried. Whatever you're doing with him now isn't working, so you'll need to try a new approach. My final approach cost me a thousand bucks to hire a divorce attorney, but it worked for me. And when Chris asked me to call of the divorce dogs, I told him he'd have to sign a written contract with me and that I'd keep our hearing scheduled for 6 monts out in case he didn't keep his end of the agreement.

Meanwhile, if you really want out of this relationship, what makes you think you'd be a single mom? Wouldn't he want part time care of the children? The fact his mother interfers has me livid., but maybe you can turn his meddling mother into a positive. If you separate, you can at least rest comortably knowing that she'll be there to help your huband when it's his turn to watch the kids. Maybe she doesn't do things your way, but she seems to love the grandkids, so on your peaceful days without the kids, you can be confident they're in good hands.

I hope the best for you. Rule One: BE STRONG!

[~c~ 1]

DeLarla!!

Holy Cow i left stuff out!!

His Mom is nouveau rich and is very selfish.

We were having MAJOR hydro problems this winter and she refused to help us.My disabled mom took a loan out at the bank to help us out!

The last time i went to my mother in law's she yelled at the then 2year old to get his fingers off the walls(the $$$ paint job don't ya know!)

When we used to be all together she would totally 'parent' the kids even though we were there.I asked my husband to talk to her but she is unreasonable and he refused.

He is scared to talk to her and i don't blame him.

He went over there last week because she has the screens for the front windows.We haven't had them for 2 years and this year i refuse to leave the windows shut.Let the damn flies come in, it's hot!!Anyway she said she didn't know where they were and that her boyfriend would find them when he got back from vacation.

So no screens!!!

If we needed money for life saving medication for the kids she would refuse,even though she now has money to burn!

I accept that his family doesn't like me and i don't like them either so in a way it suits me.I hate that they are wrong about me though.I will talk to him tonight and hope he doesn't just have to say"i don't know'or my favorite"what do you want me to say!'

Do you guys want to know how it will go down or am i boring you?

Chantal

[Alexandra 55]

Chantal, you have all our sympathy and support. You have gotten some great advice and everyone's stories are so moving. You're in a very difficult situation indeed, but as others have said there is NOTHING to be gained if your children are the only reason you are sticking this out.

I'm a product of a divorce and I can tell you my life IMPROVED immeasurably once my dad moved out. Neither parent was at all abusive or anything, but the tension between them was so thick that when they finally did the deed my only response was "what took you so long?" I was 8 years old.

It didn't fix all our family problems, but it fixed THE BIG ONE and let those of us who weren't addicted to alcohol (i.e., everyone except my mother) move on and heal. My father found new love and became a healthier, happier person which made me happier too.

If simply being in the same room causes tension between the parents, no one in the family can ever be comfortable. And don't kid yourself, children know this. What can you give them as part of this couple that you can't give them alone? Pain? Tension? Grief? Worry? These are not things you want them to have, right?

And being a single mom is hard, absolutely. But you know it can be done. Your friends and family will flock around you and surprise you with talk of how glad they are that you have freed yourself from this ugly situation. And you will be yourself surprised at how wonderful it is to not worry all the time about what the next fight will be about, and how to keep your husband from dropping some really important family ball. Hell, you already run everything yourself, so you'd just have fewer people to take care of if he were gone! And a lot less laundry, I'll bet.

An added bonus would be that if you left him you'd also be leaving his mother.

My story isn't as dramatic as some others, and my first marriage was blessedly short. But the man I married sounds a lot like your husband. He never got violent with me but I could see it was coming someday. Once he threw a fistful of hamburger meat in my direction (don't ask me why, I have no recollection), and it hit the wall near me with really shocking force! I knew he had missed intentionally but I was amazed at how hard he had thrown it. That was the first time I realized I might be in danger someday.

We never talked and for the last 8 months of our marriage I hardly saw him at all. I kept thinking that this would pass, that in 10 years we'd laugh about the hard times, but after a while it dawned on me that he was doing it on purpose. As a Catholic he'd never suggest divorce, but being married to me didn't mean he actually had to SPEAK to me, right? I finally walked out, convinced I'd be single forever. Six months later Mr. Right walked into my life and I've never looked back. Of course, I didn't have children then so it was an easier decision to make with fewer logistical problems, but when it needs to be done there is always a way.

My thoughts are with you, Chantal, please don't hesitate to get in touch if you need anything.

[leatha_g 4]

Being a child of divorce, physical, verbal and emotional abuse. I can say that sometimes, actually living in that situation is far worse than being removed from it.

Of course, kids want their parents to remain together. That feels like security to them. It's all they've ever known. But, I also know that kids can feel the tension and the anger and the lonliness their parents feel and often they act it out themselves when the parents aren't strong enough to confront the issues and change them.

I was married for 20 yrs, trying to change my husband into what I felt was a more responsible person. It never worked, in fact, he just got worse and the resentment grew into something insurmountable as time went on. Once I lost respect for him, nothing he could do would change it. Respect and trust is something very hard to re-build once it's torn down.

I finally divorced him when I felt secure enough to know my kids knew I had tried all I could to keep things together and when I could explain to them WHY I could no longer stay. Part of that WHY, was because in good conscience I could no longer live a lie. I could not let my daughter believe that it was okay to live with a man because he represented 'security'. I could not let my son grow up thinking that it was okay to raise a family like his dad wanted to. I could no longer let them be responsible for my unhappiness because they both knew that I was miserable but I was there for them and them only. I was afraid that they might make the same mistakes, because children learn what they live and I didn't want mine to live in house of disgust and resentment any longer.

Everyone's story is different, but yet often the same. Each person has to do what their conscience and circumstances allow. It is not easy to walk out on the only life you have ever known and know it's the right decision, but I can tell you that I have taken better care of myself and had more, financially and emotionally, since I left than I ever had in the whole 20 yrs I was married. Material things aside, I have my children's respect and admiration for my determination and sense of right and wrong and that is worth more to me than anything money can buy.

Keep your chin up and know that everything in life, even this, is temporary. Ask for counseling. Go by yourself, even if he doesn't go.

There are many great books out too.

One that changed my life was: Women Who Love Too Much - Robin Norwood. awesome awesome book.

Good luck to you..

Leatha

[birdee 1]

((Chantal))

I am sorry for what you are going through. I don't like giving advice regarding relationships. But I will tell you this. My very best friend's parents use to argue and fight all the time. It got so bad that she would wake up in the middle the night or didn't sleep at all ( due to the fighting). She even use to fall asleep in school because of the lack of sleep, and then use to get in trouble for falling asleep. When her parents FINALLY decided to call it quits, her and her sister helped him pack his stuff!!!!

She is now over 30 years old and she still remembers the fights and arguments like it was yesterday. My point of telling you this, is to keep in mind what your realtionship may be doing to your children. As much as we (wives) want the house, the white pickket fence, the "mom and dad" etc. for our children; it may not always be the best thing for our children.

I am not saying that what was going on in my friends' parents relationship is identical to what's going on in yours, so please don't take it that way! I am saying don't go threw a whole bunch of drama to give your children "mom and dad." They may be better off with just you.

I hope things get better soon!

[Alexandra 55]

As much as we (wives) want the house, the white pickket fence, the "mom and dad" etc. for our children; it may not always be the best thing for our children.

It's not just wives who go through this. My cousin is FINALLY divorcing his wife of 8 years after they've lived virtually separate lives in the same house for 6 of those years. (They have one child who is now 7.)

The only reason they stayed together this long because my cousin couldn't get the "mom and dad" picture out of his head. They were both miserable and I hated visiting them because it was just such a painful farce of a marriage.

Both of them will be much happier apart, and their son will have a better life because of it.

[birdee 1]

Originally posted by Alexandra

It's not just wives who go through this.

I am sure that men do go through those types of situations as well, but normally it's the women.

I am glad to hear that everything worked out in the end for your cousin.....

Birdee

[hagerteresa 3]

My parents divorced when I was 8 and my brother was 2. I am sure it was best for us kids. I had seen years of domestic violence and substance abuse by this time. Both of my parents loved us and always took good care of us but they had too many shattered dreams and trajedies together that it was best for all when they divorced. My dad continued to make it difficult for many years later by trashing my mom's name constantly and just being an donkeys butt in general. He seems to have completely rewritten history in his own mind too. All in all, it was tough but my mom was a 100X better off without him. As for us, we got to see him every other weekend till we were 18. He always paid his child support (with much complaint) and tried HIS best to be a good dad. I have angry thoughts about him once in awhile but he is my only dad and life has dealt him some serious blows. I mainly just feel sorry for him for the most part. Not sure if any part of this post really has anything to do with your situation but you do have a tough choice either way. Good luck, T

[bbrecruiter2000 1]

Hi C,

As you know recently I posted about how sad and bored I was with my 10 year relationship with my husband. He is an extremely intelligent high IQ engineer, but has ADD issues. Sometimes, I feel like he is a another baby for me to take care of. He also has trouble communicating and he has trouble to tell me he loves me, although I know he does. My therapist suggested that I make a list of the pros and cons in our relationship and what improvements that I would like to see. luckily, my husband was willing to participate in my therapy sessions. Now, I havent seen instantaneous changes, but somethings are getting better. I am working on the sources of my boredom and trying to learn to cope better. He has been to see the doc about fatigue issues which plague him and hurt our relationship. We are making lifestyle changes and have put our very expensive house on the market in lieu of a smaller more manageable house, since I am the one that has to clean it. I presently have 5 bedrooms/5 bathrooms, 2 kids, a fulltime career as owner of a recruiting franchise and the pressure is overwhelming for me to be a high income earner and also be a good mother, wife etc... Way too much and I have become bitter and resentful. So my advice is to see if this relationship is salvageable before you throw in the towel. When there is a lot of anger and hurt, it is sometimes hard to see the good things in a relationship or what the relationship could evolve to if it is nurtured.

Babs in TX

334/213/170

-121

[Christine 0]

C,

I am really bad at giving advise and I hope things work out for you. I've been married for 16 years and marriage like a roller coaster: you have your ups and your downs but hopefully in the end it was worth the ride. I do not agree with your husband being physically abuse, but there is treatment for that. There is medicine as well as counceling to help him understand why he can not control his anger. Of course, he has to want to change. I only know about this medicine because my husband has a hot temper, but has never been physical towards me. My older son has put us through emotional hell the last 4 years and my husband told our primary how angry he was a she prescribed something until things cooled down, which they have.

My mother in-law on the other hand, divorced my father in-law after 35 years of marriage. Sometimes I feel bad that she wasted 35 years just so my husband could grow up with two parents. She is now living with a man who is wonderful to her, not physically or emotionally abusive.

I know this might sound cold but you need to do what is best for you. Just like my mother in-law, someday your kids will grow up ( in her case my husband move from Oregon to NJ) and leave home to live there own life and what will you be left with.

I wish you the best. Only you can make the decision on what to do. Your husband is the one who should go back to his family and apologize for discussing your problems with them. I learned this the hard way. My first year of marriage I asked my father (who by the way is happily divorced from my mom) if I could go home because I was so unhappy. He said you are home and sit down and tell you husband how unhappy you are. That night I sat my husband down and had a heart wrenching long talk. As we laid in bed that night, instead of having sex we played rock, paper and scissor and literally hammered things out. We started our marriage over that night and it was truly a turning point for us. My husband and I never discuss or bad mouth one another to the our family and if our parents say anything to us about the other we immediately shut them up.

Don't worry about your in-law they want their son to be happy and will come around.

Sorry if this was long.

Christine

[DeLarla 22]

Birdee, every time I see your name I think of those four cute Cockatiels my husband bought me last Sunday. What a cute name!

[DeLarla 22]

This topic is apparently too close to home for a lot of us. I realize it's disrespectful to speak of the dead, but I have a good point to make. My deceased mother-in-law told me in her last year that she should have left her husband many years ago. He's selfish, arrogant, abusive and has less than zero manners and a horribly foul mouth. He makes the "F" word sound G-rated. Sure, they loved each other or at least the "constant" that their marriage had, but everything was about him. Even after her death, he kept and sold her few precious things that she specifically instructed him to give to her closest family members.

She had very little (it was all his) but she announced to the entire family who she wanted to have those precious items. A couple pieces of Noritake china to her grandaughter. A ring to me (that we bought her.) 2 other rings to my sister-in-law and her fur coat to her own sister. Nobody got anything. He called me pissed one day and said he's sick of people asking for "his" things. He had another women move in a year after her death, who parades around their small town in the rings and coat, while they sold the china. However, my husband (eldest son) had a firm talk and said either he sends me "my" ring or they'll never speak again, so he sent me the ring, but nobody else got anything.

About 10 years ago, my in-laws came to Vegas for a visit, and the father hit a $5,000 jackpot while my husband hit a $2,000. My husband was giving his mom play money, because George wouldn't share with his own wife of 40 years. Later, she asked if we could go inside a pawn shop since she's never seen one having spent her entire life in a small farming town. So we took her. Chris & his dad carried over $7,000 cash between them.

They looked at guns while I spied on Mom, who was trying on a ring like it was the biggest piece of candy in the world. She was beaming, so I snuck and asked a cashier how much it was. Only $300. So I snuck and told the guys I was taking Carol outside so they could sneak and buy the ring as a surprise. George in his usually manner pretty much told me to F off.

That night, I nearly strangled my husband for being as selfish as his dad, and it took him a week to realize how selfish he was, so he asked me to take him to that shop and point out the ring. The ring was gone though, but we bought a more expensive one with tiny diamonds around a huge topaz stone. We mailed it to her. Then we got a phone call that George and the other son got a card and wrote "Happy Birthday from Chris, George, Lisa & Brother Kelly. NO LIE. My name didn't even get 2nd billing! He took credit for that ring! This month is 2 years since she passed, and I just got the ring last month.

Sorry for taking this to such an sad and ugly level, but now you see what can happen if you don't straighten your guy up right now or make some quick changes. And good luck to you! Be a strong little bear!