Totally off topic...long,personal.

[~c~ 1]

I need some personal advice ,it could get long to get a history.

Would anyone mind?It has to do with my marriage and i would rather 'talk' with people who don't know my husband and i.

Please let me know honestly.I am realy upset right now...

Chantal

[bbrecruiter2000 1]

Hi Chantal,

If you look back under support, I came here for similar support. Please do not hesitate to email me privately. Send ot my aol account at babaez@aol.com.

Babs in TX

334/213/170

-121

6/23/03

[Alexandra 55]

Chantal, I'd be happy to talk if you like as well. I've been through a bad marriage and a good one and if my history can help I'd be happy to share it or provide whatever perspective I can. You can get my e-mail on the the link below.

(((Hugs))) to you. I know it's rough.

[kellymoos 4]

I too, would be happy to listen to you and give any advice if needed. You can private message me and I will give you my number if you need it.

Hope I can help!!!!!!!!!

[~c~ 1]

Thanks you guys!When i looked at the Support forum it list support for before and after lap banding.Under the Lounge it said general conversation so that's why i posted in here.I guess it doesn't really matter..I would liket o get as many opinions as i could though,so i will just go for it.We're all friends here,huh?

I will try and keep it condensed.

I have been married for 6 years and i am not sure i love him,in fact i am pretty sure i don't but can hardly admit it!

We have 2 kids, 2 and 5 years old.

The first sign of trouble i chose to ignore.I became pregnant and

after the blood test my doctor called me at home to tell me there was a problem.The hormones level was ++low meaning i would miscarry.I was devastated and in shock,crying on the floor in the middle of the living room.My husband had told his Mother that he would go to help her bottle wine that evening so in the middle of my back and forth calls to the doctor and my devastation HE LEAVES!It was not across the street either.Once he got there and told his Mother what was happening she sent him home to me.

I had a baby the next year by emergency C section after 2 days of labour.It was major intense and we almost lost the baby.

Once home, i was asking him to help with laundry and that's when the "i'll do it later" started.(it still is happening.

I had to hold my staples while lifting the laundry into the machine.

Yes i could have waited but the baby was finally sleeping and the house was a wreck since i was gone for a couple of days.

This is how my marriage started.

I didn't know him very well and did not know how irresponsible he was until we had kids and a home and responsibilities.

Last year we had a big fight and he went to his Mother's and told her every nitty gritty detail of what i had done,not telling her what HE had done.He grabs me by the throat(after i threw a lamp)

She won't talk to me anymore.*But before this* she bought a house and said we would basically rent to own that it would be 'our'house.She kept coming over in the beginning to 'help'in the renovations.I had to leave every day with the kids because she said they would be in the way or it was dangerous.She re organised the kids closet to HER liking!!Washed MY UNDERWEAR!!I never asked her to do this and took offence.Her boyfriend had yelled at my son one too many times and i blew up at him instead of explaining calmly and told him he had no right to talk to my son this way.

I called her and tried to explain but she got majorly defensive and said she would never set foot in the place again(and she hasn't) So we don't speak.What sealed the deal was my husband blabbing about our fight.He was going to leave me.Said he hadn't loved me for at least 2 years.(but we still had sex!)I found an apartement and everything moving entails.The day i was to move he asked me to stay.I agreed on the condition that we NEVER fight like that in front of the kids.I promised to control my anger and he promised to try and be more responsible.

This winter we were kinda arguing not loud but still not getting a long in the car.I have anxiety issues in the car and he knows that.(we were almost killed when i was pregnant with my son since he was watching me play with the radio.we ran into a city bus going 80mph)

Anyway he got all upset and braked in the middle of the icy road and went to the side to turn around.i was sooo scared and so was my 5 year old.he was bringing me home.I kept calmly saying that he had to calm down first, he wasn't going anywhere with the kids until he did.

He kept getting more & more upset.He banged the van door so hard it came off its' hinges and i locked all the doors because he was literally foaming at the mouth.I KNEW that if i got out he would hit me.I fled.

He went to his DAD's this time and told the whole family,aunts,uncles ect that i REFUSED to let him bring the kids and that he was divorcing me.AGAIN.

I cannot face any of his family.

I handle our financial affairs because he is so irresponsible.we combine our earnings.

A few months ago i realized he was lying about his pays and keeping a few HUNDRED dollars for himself.I confronted him.At first he kept saying he did nothing wrong.I finally thought he understood but today found out he did it again!!!

He needed to buy a tool for work so he did.100$

He thinks this is ok!

I do everything as well as work full time.Yes i have an office job as opposed to his hard one(mechanic)but i have STRESS.

i am an employement insurance officer and deal with upset people,security issued the works.

All i ask of him is to take out the trash,take care of the floors and bring up the clean folded laundry so i can put it away.I always have to push him to do these things and then he tells me i 'squeal'

I don't know if we can fix this.I don't know if i want to be a single Mom.I know that i am not happy.

Chantal

Please don't hesitate to be frank.

[MeganA 35]

Chantel-

I'm so sorry you've found yourself having to face such touch choices.

I have never been married, have no children, and am not in any position to give you advice other than this:

You know the answers to your questions. One day you will find yourself strong enough to make them. You will do the right thing. And you will be ok.

Most importantly---- you deserve sooo much better.

Megan

[New Hope 37]

There is a lot of anger going back and forth between you two. Since this has gotten physical, I'm very concerned that some one can get hurt. This could be one of your children. Could you or your husband live with that? Will you and your husband go to some marriage counseling? Unfortunately, the in-laws interference is compounding the problem.

[Penni60 45]

chantal: My heart goes out to you. I don't like to give sage advice, but I will suffice it to give you my experience and then you can take what rings true for you in your situation.

I was married at 17 and as I walk down the aisle I am 3 months pregnant. I loved my husband. We moved away from my family and my hometown shortly after we got married. He was in the military and was stationed in Patrick Air Force Base, FLorida. I am a Kentucky girl born and bred. So, not only was I a new bride but a new mother and alone thousands of miles away from my family and friends. I survived. Fred, my husband, and I had several arguments but they never got violent. We were young and parents. NOT a good combination. We were getting on our feet and I got pregnant again. I was 19. So, at the age of 19 I have two children under the age of 3. YIKES!!! Still living in Florida.

Fast forward to when I was 23 and a third child. We moved back to Kentucky after her got out of the military. He admits that he is cheating on me with my best friend in our own bed. Well I should have kicked him to the curb but I had the kids and I still thought I loved him so I forgave him.

27 yrs old and a fourth child (a son he always wanted). The previous children were girls. My insides were so messed up from the fourth child that I had to have a complete hysterectomy 8 months after delivery. He was too preoccupied with his other girlfriend to be bothered with helping with his beloved son because I could not bathe him or anything physically straining afte surgery. I moved in with my mother temporarily so she could help me with my son and the rest of the kids. He went to Nashville, TN for a job and I stayed in Kentucky to recuperate. NO phone calls, NO letters, No cards from him.

We move to Nashville. I knew the marriage was over, but I did not know how to end it. I came from a divorced family and did not want that for my kids. Fighting over custody, support payments, Christmas visits, etc. But I knew I did not want to be made a fool of anymore either. I also did not like the embarrassment of not having our bills paid. I knew I could do better. About 8 months after moving to Nashville, he says he is going to Kentucky to find another job. He leaves for a weekend (now who is interviewing on a weekend, I wasn't born yesterday). When he comes back on Monday I ignore him and go about my business as usual. The phone bill comes. I look at the numbers. I don't recognize one. I call it. I ask for Fred. SHE says he isn't here right now but he is expected back this weekend can I take a message. I said no thanks I have all the info I need. I confront him and he tells me he is leaving me. I said oh no you aren't I am kicking your a$$ out.

So, I am faced with raising 4 children all under the age of 11. I move back to Kentucky to be closer to family. I decide to go back to school and get my RN degree. I will tell you it was hard and not always glamorous. But let me tell you I have never regretted getting divorced from that man. We have remained friends now because of the children. Sometimes you just can't live with someone even if you love them. I realized late that I don't think I ever loved him but was in love with the idea of being in love.

All this LONG story to tell you that you are as strong as you need to be to make the decision you need to for you and most importantly for your children. After all they are the most important thing right now. They need to be protected and if your son is afraid of his father that is NOT good. My son was afraid of his father until he got old enough to understand him. Now he pities him.

If you want to talk more I would be happy to send you my phone number via email. Penni60@aol.com

We are all here for you if nothing else just to listen. It does get better.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two mantras I have learned to repeat on my bad days. I now have a loving relationship with a man that I adore and he adores me.

[~c~ 1]

I know about the physical aspect sounds really bad.The last time with the van WAS the last time.I control myself and have since the lamp incident.

We haven't had physical confrontation since that time with the van and we did say that we would not let it go that far ever again.

I know how to control myself but do not trust him enough to think that if he gets upset enough he won't hurt me.I just have to stop before he gets too angry and that does say alot.

We do need counselling and i will set that up.I just wanted to see what you guys thought because being right in the middle of it all i am so confused.

When we are not in the middle of these type of things i feel like we are ok.

I haven't felt those lovey feelings in a while but my sister says she doesn't have those feelings either.That it's more of a comfort kinda feeling.I would be ok with that.Is there more to a relationship?I've only been in 2 serious relationships.The first was when i was 15 to 25 (we moved in together at 15)he left me for another at 25.Three months after that i met my husband and we were married the following year.

All the above mentioned stuff happened in the last 2 years,not all at one time.

i would say that we had 3 serious ALMOST physical fights.

The rest is just petty aurguements,mostly about his not taking responsibility for his chores.

I will make a budget to seperate our earnings and each be reponsible for our own money...maybe that will help.

He needs to understand what lying does to our relationship though...

p.s. to clarify...My children adore their father and are not afraid of him at all.My son was scared that day in the car because i was afraid.

[Penni60 45]

sorry for my long response.

[~c~ 1]

Please don't apologize for your response.I want to thank you for sharing Penni.

It gives me stuff to think about.

[New Hope 37]

C, it's easy to sit on the side lines and give advice. No one knows what you're really going thru. I hope your husband will "wake up". It sounds like you love the guy and don't want to give up on your marriage. Do what it takes for you and your kids to be happy and safe.

[~c~ 1]

If we did not have the kids i would not be living with him at this moment.I have stayed to keep our family intact because of the children.But for sure if we had no kids i would have left.

What does that say?I cannot admit it.Should i fight for my marriage.Like i said these are issolated incidence and are not the norm.

I just want to have a normal family.Since we did choose to have kids and did take vows,i believe we should do ALL in our power at this point to make it work but i am starting to think i am making a mistake.I am also scared to seperate and find it worse.Not being alone...I can handle that but maybe realizing that we do have an ok thing and i didn't try hard enough.

ahhh crap!!!

I wish i could predict the future!!

Chantal

[shellyj 5]

chantal ((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

i dont have any real advice to give you but i will say my parents stayed together in a loveless and emotionally abusive marriage for the kids.

it did nothing for us. me and my brother got to witness all the fighting and got to know that my parents were putting up a front when friends and family came over. we both felt guilty over it and i can remeber going to my mom when i was 10 and saying dont stay married because of us!! she did stay with him.

i am going through a break up now too (6 years) and its scary facing the unknown...but knowing what i would be facing if i stayed is enough to make me take the leap of faith!

email me anytime (((((((((((more hugs))))))))))))

michelle

[La_madam 20]

C- I left my frist husband becasue of the same reasons, iresponsible, verbally abusive and did nothing around the house to help out. We had a 2 yr old son at the time and I did not want him growing up being just like his dad nor did I want to subject him to all of the fighting and abuse so my son and I left. I felt that if I loved my son and his dad loved him it should not matter if we were married or not and guess what his true colors came out he has not bee na father to his son in 14 years but I met awonderful man who loves my sone like his own I have been married now for 12 years and we have 2 children together. Like you I have only been in 2 serious relationships but there is hope, there is a man out there who will ove and cherish you and your children if you choose this route. Too many people stay in it for the kids. If you are not happy in your marriage how can you make your kids happy? Good luck in your troubles, I've been where you are at ....