female only Ex Issues- Please Help!

[Fallenangel2904 494]

I didn't know where else to post this and it does have to do with WLS. The short version is my ex and I have been seperated for almost two years. We last spoke almost a year ago and I honestly never thought we wouls speak again. The other day we spoke on the phone for the first time in a year and long story short we've been talking about how we both want to see each other and see what is still there. The issue is my ex met me when I was big- I was around 350 when I met him and he is someone who is soley attracted to big woman. I have met a lot of guys who view it as a fetish but he was just attracted to larger girls as a preference which I understand. I didn't tell him I had weight loss surgery because frankly at first I thought it was just going to be a catch up convo, I told him I had my gallbladder out instead (which I didn't) but as we talk more and more now I feel like I need to tell him. I did tell him I lost 40 pounds and he has basically kept saying how I shouldn't get too skinny, and I actually told him today I planned to lose more weight (keeping surgery out of it) and he kind of changed his tune a little bit because he said he just doesn't know if he would be attracted to me at say 250 pounds versus where I am now despite still being in love with me. I've been crying on and off after discussing this because I don't even know if its worth it to try. I AM going to change, its not like a diet where I can stop losing weight- I CAN'T- not like I want to because I have wanted to lose weight more then anything, but have felt like this guy was the love of my life also. It's sort of the reverse situation a lot of people go through when they GAIN weight. I told him I need to be healthy and he said that is the most important thing and wants me to be healthy, but he is just being honest about his attraction which I understand.

I'm really upset and in my head know what I should do, but my heart can't bring me to- it never can when it comes to this guy. Please help!

[P.A.Arthur 37]

Just remember Obesity is a disease. Whether he has a fetish or not, if he truly cares about you he will care about your health.

If you had cancer, or heart disease, or kidney disease, and a dr. suggested surgery or treatment to make you healthy again, how would he respond? It's the same thing with obesity. Be honest with him and if you want to go down this road with him, he needs to understand that this treatment is to help you be healthy. If he truly loves you, he's going to want the best for you and will support you through this journey.

At least that's my two cents

[My Sleeved Tummy 56]

I think that when someone really loves you--and I mean truly and completely--they will accept you at whatever size you are. If he tells you he won't be attracted to you when you are thinner, I would have to say that he doesn't really love you. Not entirely, anyway.

It's no different than a skinny girl gaining weight and all the sudden her husband/boyfriend starts cheating or something. It's shallow.

I'm not saying this is the case, but have you ever thought that maybe he would like you to stay bigger because he is insecure with himself? If you get thin, you might realize just how much "better" you can do.

I, personally, think you should tell him that if he can't accept you for who you are and who you will become...then you both need to move on. You should make that known before you get too involved again, so you're not in so deep.

But, at the end of the day...it is your life and your decision. You have to do what you feel is best for you--whether that involves him or not.

You're doing something fantastic for your health. You will feel so much better! All the best on your weight-loss!

[Fallenangel2904 494]

Thanks PA, you're right. I think its because I always seemed confident and okay with my size when we were together, he was surprised I wanted to change. And I told him the truth, I was and AM confident with myself at every size I've been but I did this for my health. And he said he understood but was just being honest about his attraction- he didn't say it in a bad way but I respected his honesty. Maybe we are just on two different paths I don't want to be with someone who isn't attracted to me. I've never settled for that, He said he would still love me for who I am, and think I was an attractive person but he just doesn't know if HE would be attracted to me, Maybe I need to face this for what it is I just really did get my hopes up for a minute because I DO still love this guy but I can't settle for someone I'm with just thinking 'well she has a good personality' because I'm scared that's what it will be

[Fallenangel2904 494]

I think that when someone really loves you--and I mean truly and completely--they will accept you at whatever size you are. If he tells you he won't be attracted to you when you are thinner, I would have to say that he doesn't really love you. Not entirely, anyway.

It's no different than a skinny girl gaining weight and all the sudden her husband/boyfriend starts cheating or something. It's shallow.

I'm not saying this is the case, but have you ever thought that maybe he would like you to stay bigger because he is insecure with himself? If you get thin, you might realize just how much "better" you can do.

I, personally, think you should tell him that if he can't accept you for who you are and who you will become...then you both need to move on. You should make that known before you get too involved again, so you're not in so deep.

But, at the end of the day...it is your life and your decision. You have to do what you feel is best for you--whether that involves him or not.

You're doing something fantastic for your health. You will feel so much better! All the best on your weight-loss!

Thank you. I said that to him because he spent the last two days telling me how he still loved me, has never gotten over me etc and how I was and am the love of his life. But when he said this stuff to me about weight loss I said to him, was everything you said about loving me true? Because you turned this very shallow in a very short time. I honestly would still love him if he gained weight or lost weight- though he was already extremly small so I don't know how much he could lose lol. Before he met me he dropped 70lbs and got into being a gym rat and eating healthy so I thought HIM of all people would understand and be okay with it. I'm starting to see how hypocritical it is of him actually,

I have thought it was part insecurity, but I do believe he just genunly likes big girls. I've known him for 6 years on and off and has always liked bigger girls so I don't believe it's purly an insecurity thing, but I do believe there may have been an underlying factor to it.

I told him where I stood about weight loss- though still have not said anything about WLS- and I can see he's struggling with it. At first we just said okay this is it, lets walk away, but we spoke more and said maybe lets try and see, I told him I'm never going to be super model skinny- which isn't something I've EVER wanted. I like my curves, and he said he wanted me to be healthy and if this was something I wanted he wouldn't stand in the way, but also said he didn't want to give any less then 100 percent to me and if he felt like he couldn't he would tell me.

I'm just nervous to even try at this point because there has already been so much pain in our break ups I honestly can't go through one again,

Thank you for the advice! I appreaciate it. I need to do some thinking.

[lelecox07 9]

Sweet heart, your doing this surgery for you, not for a man. Remember that. A man who truly loves you will love you for you, not for your size. Do NOT let this guy discourage you from doing something you wanted to do. You made this decision without him in your life. If he wants to be a part of it now, he needs to realize your not the same girl you were and you have goals.

[desertmom 297]

Ok,a bit of tough love here.Take it,leave it,do with it what you want..(as they say in the movies)

Clearly you broke up for some reason which was not related to your weight.But clearly you want to be a thin,normal,healthy girl,right? Thats why you had surgery.

Why take a step back into the past now when you need to move forward,into a new life with a skinny body?

You want a fetish free man in your life girl..lol.People with a fetish will 100% be an enabler of bad habits.You dont need the distraction of past issues to derail the course of your life now.You've got a long way to go with the weight loss and this ex issue already made you cry.

Go see a therapist.Get closure.Lose weight get fit get healthy and then you will meet the love of your life,the one you will spend the rest of your new life with.

For now,focus on yourself for a while at least.

[*Dean* 1,594]

Tell him about the surgery. Tell him it's inevitable that you are going to be a proportionate build and there's nothing you can do about it. He's being bluntly honest with you. If he's not still interested when he knows the truth, maybe it is a fetish and you are better off without him?

[GeauxForIt 659]

You want a fetish free man in your life girl..lol.People with a fetish will 100% be an enabler of bad habits.

First of all, nothing about her description sounds like this guy has a "fetish". If a guy prefers a thin woman, does HE have a fetish? I like dark-haired men, do I have a fetish? Clearly not. A man who prefers a heavier woman doesn't have something WRONG with him.

Second of all, if a person DOES have a fetish, how exactly does that make them an enabler of bad habits 100% of the time? That's just a stupid thing to say.

OP, why did y'all break up in the first place? That's more important than the weight issue, I think. I'm a hopeless romantic realist!

If the original break-up issue has been resolved, then maybe there's a chance. If not, I fear history is doomed to repeat itself. Would he do couples' therapy with you?

[*Dean* 1,594]

I think the words he used that everyone picked up on is that he didn't think he'd be attracted to Fallenangel even at 250 pounds. That would seem to indicate he's exclusively attracted to very very large women.

I'm sure if you found a dark haired person that you were attracted to, including the dark hair, there would be still some attraction if there hair was now brown.

I really think to tell someone at 380 that you wouldn't be attracted to them at 250 is a hurtful and manipulative thing to say.

[*Dean* 1,594]

Good luck Fallen angel. You sound very switched on, I'm sure you'll make a decision that's good for you!

[ozeedonkee 145]

Nup. You broke up for a reason. Remember that and leave him where he belongs - in your past.

[MDM0927 29]

I understand what you are saying and how you feel. As I read your story I was thinking I wish that was me, the love of my life broke up with me two years ago because he met someone thinner. He claimed he like big girls, I met him at a bbw club but turned out by big girls he was thinking more like 180-200 pounds. Anyway, your EX is an EX for a reason. If he doesn't like you for who you are then you shouldn't even start down that road and cause yourself heartache. We all can gain the weight back after two years so we need people in our lives encouraging a healthy lifestyle not someone saying its ok to gain it back, I liked you better that way.

Good luck with your decision, try to tell him about the surgery ASAP.

Sent from my iPhone using VST

[GeauxForIt 659]

Tell him about the surgery. Tell him it's inevitable that you are going to be a proportionate build and there's nothing you can do about it. He's being bluntly honest with you. If he's not still interested when he knows the truth' date=' maybe it is a fetish and you are better off without him?[/quote']

Dean's right, he's being really honest with you, and you owe him the same. Tell him about the surgery ASAP!

[kbby 39]

^{Girl, tell the man the truth. Plain and Simple. You obviously broke up for a reason and yes you may still love him but, if he tells you that he wouldnt be attracted to you at a smaller weight.. (which should make any man happier) seems a little iffy to me. He should want you healthy. Not at a certain weight. I can just see you two getting back together and then he could hinder your weight loss or even have you gaining because that's what makes HIM happy, not you. I hope you make the right decision for you. Just be happy.}