female only Advice Needed: Weight Loss Breakup

[mandymay 31]

Okay...so I need some input on this because as an overanalytical person in general...this has been driving me INSANE. So right before Halloween, my boyfriend and I broke up. We had been together since May and he knew what I was doing with surgery and weight loss, etc. I was always skeptical of how he would react once I began to lose weight...because he always seemed like he didnt want me to. I think at first, he thought it was a vanity thing...kept telling me how beautiful I was and how I didnt need to change...blahblahblah. And I say "blah", because this was NOT a vanity thing. I wanted to feel better, I wanna be around to have a family one day, and I was 23 and pushing 300 pounds which was just not a route I wanted to continue on. I was never unsure of who I was or anything, I was comfortable in my own skin and I have always been confidant. I am now more insecure than I was before I ever started this process.

Anyhow, so, the straw that broke the camel's back...He text me and asked me if we could make a sex tape because...he wants to remember my body as it is now because it turns him on so much. IT MADE ME SO MAD. First and foremost...I am NOT gonna record myself having sex...Secondly, Did that mean I wouldn't turn him on later when the weight came off? He said he loved me...and the only thing I can think is...if he had really loved me...It wouldn't matter where my weight was. He insisted I overreacted. I still stand my ground. I don't think I did, I think considering I already felt like he wasn't being fully supportive...that was just the icing on the cake. I would think that normally for couples...the weight loss would make for better sex, happier times...etc and instead mine broke my relationship. It sucks and it hurts and I keep replaying the whole thing in my head. I still stand my ground, I know that I am probably better off, but meanwhile, it still just sucks. How would any of you ladies feel in this situation? Did I overreact? Was I too sensitive? I think it hurt my ego quite a bit...I'm losing weight and feeling great just to feel like my bf is losing his attraction to me. UGH...advice please.

[JenC 90]

If you had always been at a healthy weight and "normal" BMI you would probably never have hooked up with this man...because frankly you just would'nt have been his "type" Personally my type of guy is one that loves me for who I am and supports unconditionally who and what I aspire to become. It sounds like thats your "type" too. It's just my opinion but its a big red light that someone would wish that you would continue to be unhealthy, risk not being able to have a healthy pregnancy and skirt your dreams of a more active lifestyle.

You did not over react, and you're not overly sensitive in my opinion. Sounds like you have it going on. It's hard and scary to start over but it can also be exciting and revealing. All the best to you. Sorry you're going through a break up, they suck!

[icon23 273]

I think you did the right thing and your instinct is also telling you that you did the right thing--keep listening to it! Also, in this day of people posting way too much personal stuff on the internet, I would never let anyone have pics of me naked, let alone have a sex tape--I have seen way too many judge shows where people posted those things online after a breakup out of spite and you just don't want that. Good for you for taking a stand and remaining strong in your decision!

[Layersofbeauty 19]

Mandymay, different men like different things. There are some men who just prefer larger women. I am not in a relationship, but there are guys I know that would take me just as I am because they are attracted to larger women. And it is possible that they may no longer be attracted to me once I lose weight. Because of this, I have decided not to persue a relationship right now. I know that it may sound shallow, but people like what they like.

Another issue is, as you lose weight and gain even more confidence; people around you may develop insecurities. I had a guy tell me that I was already beautiful and that if I lost weight it would be over kill! Obviously he was afraid that if I lost weight, more guys would be interested in me and I would no longer be interested in him. Dealing with insecure people can be menatlly draining. I ain't got time for that! Being on this liquid diet is draining enough! My focus right now is on what makes me happy opposed to what makes others happy. I have put myself on the back burner for far too long. Not any more... It's my time to find the best in me.

[VSGJean 68]

I like what the others posted and would like to add, How selfish is he?? This is about your health. God has a plan and he's not in it!!! Lesson learned. Now take sometime to focus on you then you will find someone who loves you for you.

[DianaE 128]

Mandymay, different men like different things. There are some men who just prefer larger women. I am not in a relationship, but there are guys I know that would take me just as I am because they are attracted to larger women. And it is possible that they may no longer be attracted to me once I lose weight. Because of this, I have decided not to persue a relationship right now. I know that it may sound shallow, but people like what they like.

Another issue is, as you lose weight and gain even more confidence; people around you may develop insecurities. I had a guy tell me that I was already beautiful and that if I lost weight it would be over kill! Obviously he was afraid that if I lost weight, more guys would be interested in me and I would no longer be interested in him. Dealing with insecure people can be menatlly draining. I ain't got time for that! Being on this liquid diet is draining enough! My focus right now is on what makes me happy opposed to what makes others happy. I have put myself on the back burner for far too long. Not any more... It's my time to find the best in me.

Layers, You hit the nail on the head!

MandyMay, focus on yourself! You are 23 and just about to start the rest of your life! GOOD LUCK!

[Piplula 709]

Good riddance to bad rubbish..

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am old enough to be your mother (I am 48) and here is the perspective I would give... you have been with him since May? not even 6 months? That is nothing on the scale of your whole life, your health, your relationship with food. You don't need someone distracting you from your goals and he sounds like just that - a distraction.

I don't think you were overly sensitive, I think you deep inside know that he isn't thinking of what is best for YOU.

My reply would be different if you were married with kids - but I feel like this is the time to cut him loose.

also, you are pushing 300# at a very young age. I was still under 200# in that age range and what I always tell people is that you get fatter, not thinner with age. You are so smart to do this now, at this stage of your life. Get the obesity under control before it causes you permanent damage (I have bad knee arthritis due to lugging around so much weight for decades).

Do what you need to for yourself - right now. You have so much time later to find a life partner and live a full life with him. Now is the time to be a little selfish and get yourself on the track of the life YOU want to live and that will attract the partner that you want for THAT life.

[Alithinos 19]

I don't think you overreacted, and the fact that he is telling you that you did and that you're being overly sensitve is sending up major red flags - that is very manipulative behavior. It doesn't sound like it is a very healthy relationship anyway. He sounds insecure and is pressuring you inappropriately to maintain an unhealthy weight and to tape your sexlife. There may be some trust issues there. Having said that, all relationships are learning experiences, which means whether a relationship sucks or is wonderful, having learned from it is a positive. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be in a relationship at age 23 and while you're working on yourself. As you come through the WLS process you might find that how you feel about yourself, other people, your priorities will change.

How does this guy make you feel about yourself? Do you feel respected, cared-for, listened-to, valued, etc? If you don't feel positive about yourself 100% of the time, then he's just not worth it.

[New York Beauty 20]

I think he is scared to lose you after the weight loss. Men dont communicate the right way they say the stupid-est things sometimes. All men are scared to lose their women escpecially if she is going through a major change. He may think "once she lose weight she will no longer be interested me and develop this big ego" I am only 11 days post op and lost 19 lbs already and my husband will say things out of no where.. Like dont change who you are I loved you for 13years and dont want you to become hollywood on me or yesterday when we went out he got a little jealous because guys look at me. (little does he know they look w/ him there or not) LOL

If you want the relationship to work and you really love him sit down and pour out your feelings then let him pour his out and then determine if you want that relationship or if you want to discover who you are becoming and start a new relationship once you are ready....

Good Luck Honey!

[Tipintx 41]

Listen, whatever you do Do Not make a sex tape with this guy. Whatever you say or do can and will be used against you:)

[iggychic 1,405]

Oh holy cow dear, the kind of guy who texts you asking for a sex tape is the kind of guy you want to push to the curb. Geeze what a sleeze bag!

I'm married to a wonderful man who I met when I was a size two. Twelve years have passed and when I had my surgery I was pushing a size 18. He loved me at 2 and he loved me through 5 failed pregnancies, fertility treatments (which make it hard to love anyone LOL) a sick baby, failing and rising businesses....thick and thin! Does he like the new changes as I lose? Sure, but his love never waivered when I was fat. He didn't need any video's to keep that love going.

You are young and you've put so little time into this relationship my dear. You didn't over react. Heck if you said you hadn't reacted my post would be something more to the effect of "are you stupid?" He's a waste of your valuable heart. Save it for the right man who will come along and use this time to find the new you.

[mandymay 31]

Thank you ladies I think I know where my heart is... I know he wasn't worth it by any means... I just feel like dating right now is just not something that is gonna happen right now. I'm changing all the time and I agree with the mental exhaustion. Guess this is just me time. And in regards to a sex tape... I would NEVER do that... I can't even believe he asked. But what's sad is that didn't piss me off nearly to the extent of WHY he wanted it.

[aviarn 3]

My experience with this, so far, is that the most difficult relationship to fix is the one I had/have with food! This is an extremely important time for you, now. Focus on yourself, and don't let this external relationship distract you from the work you need to do...and, of course, the dude was a PUTZ! You did NOT over-react!!