Depressed

[amytug 996]

The thought of waiting another 3 months for surgery has me feeling really stagnant. I'm a SAHM and because of my weight, I have social anxiety and I get panicky. (I know the social anxiety is directly related to my weight because I've lost 60 lbs before, putting me at 176 and I was on cloud 9. Still a little socially awkward but not panicky. ) I'm planning on getting on new anti depressants and I know three months will fly but man it seems like forever away. I never go anywhere, I have two shirts I can wear in public and can't (and don't really want to) buy more, so ya not like there's much I can do to pass the time. Honestly, I've already skipped halloween, 2 family birthday parties and I'm not planning on doing thanksgiving or Christmas. I really dislike myself when I'm not thinner. And the depression is 10fold when I'm heavy.

I was doing weight watchers for the last couple weeks. Two nights of screwing up put me a lb up this week from last weeks 6lb loss and I just feel worthless. Dh is doing his first diet EVER. All those diets I've done and he didnt want to eat healthy then but the last few months while I wasn't doing well, he decides to lose. And lose he has. He's been 260 to my 233 for a Lon time. He's always been bigger than me. Today? I gain that lb and he's 2 lbs under me.

I want surgery yesterday. I'm so tired of this merry go round.

And now I want a TON of chocolate. I probably won't.

I think.

This post probably makes me sound like a kook. Please keep in mind that I'm in the thick of it. Sigh. I know I'll just have to suck it up and get over myself but this is where I am today. I guess I'm looking for virtual hugs? Or maybe been there done that stories.

[ISleevedIt 380]

Big Hugs to you! I don't think you're a kook. I've been up and down with my weight also. The worse was in 2011 I lost 60 lbs but gained it all back with 6 months and then some. I am in my 5th month of classes before I get the final approval to see my surgeon and like you I think it's taking forever. I have my last appointment with the NUT in January. I can't make a Dec appt because my last appointment wasn't quite 4 weeks apart and she said that we should play it safe and not have the last appt til January to improve my chances of getting the final approval. My weight has been yo-yoing also. I have to lose 7 lbs as part of the approval process. I've managed to lose 11 lbs. What helped me is having a pedometer and working on getting in 10,000 steps a day. Maybe you could try the pedometer to see if it helps you keep on track. Good luck! Since it's the holiday season, I think the time will fly by. Oh, by the way, I suffer from depression also and am on meds for it. I find the walking does help it.

I probably won't be able to have the surgery til Feb/Mar/Apr timeframe. I'm not sure how long the surgeon's process takes.

[icon23 273]

(((HUGS)))

I know the feeling. I'm not there at the moment, but I've definitely been there. I also recently avoided a birthday party because I just wasn't feeling good about myself. I have a very select few friends that I can manage to be around no matter how low I feel, but when I'm in the dumps about my body, I just can't bring myself to go out in public or be around anyone who isn't one of them.

You already know that I am also in agony over my 4 month wait for surgery, but I keep telling myself that it will fly by, just like you said. In the meantime, I'm gathering info, getting inspired (and warned) by others' stories, and preparing (making shopping lists for pre- and post-op things, trying to more or less memorize the diets at the various stages, and just yesterday I started contemplating what foods I will have to have food funerals for). I wish I had more/better advice about how to pass the time--maybe knitting? If there's anything that you can do to help take your mind off of the wait time, try it.

[LadyK 164]

Aww hugs to you :wub: I don't think you are crazy, I am a SAHM too and I know EXACTLY how you feel, matter of fact everything you have described in your post is how I felt day in and day out, didn't want to go anywhere, do anything or see anybody, and every time I went to the grocery store I felt people were watching me and laughing at me which probably wasn't the case, but it felt like that to me. My husband would tell me I was beautiful, even at 480lbs, and all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a fat cow. I hated to look in the mirror. Then because of all of these feelings of absolute despair about my self image, I would eat to make myself feel better, and the vicious cycle continued. I decided to have the surgery because I felt it wasn't fair to my children or husband and my poor dog, that on beautiful sunny warm days, I would rather look out of the window. As surgery got closer I put the emotional eating in check with prayer for the strength to realize when I needed to eat, and when I needed to express myself another way besides eating. My husband needs to lose weight too, and when I said I was going to get the surgery, he said he would eat healthy with me, that quickly went out of the window the first day of my pre-op diet he went to Taco Bell and ate in front of me. God know I love him so, but I have made up my mind that I will eat healthy normal portions no matter what, and choose what I will put in my mouth. I refused to buy any more clothes too, I only had about 3 or 4 shirts that I rotated. After you get your sleeve and the weight begins to come off, you'll feel so much better and want to get out of the house. I can't wait now for next summer! The time will fly by even though while your waiting it will seem like an eternity LOL but before you know it it will be your turn! Don't get discouraged, keep your chin up

[amytug 996]

Thank you SO much for he kind words, and I would t wish depression and self hatred on anyone but its such a joy to be a member of a group of women (and men) who know what it feels like to be obese. Man I hate that word.

I too feel like everyone is stating at me. "Look at those cellulite thighs" sigh. I feel a bit ashamed to say though, that I'm 240 lbs. I was going to say "only" but that puts me at a bmi that says I'm MORBIDLY OBESE. I'm disgusted.

I am so excited. Well nervous, but excited.

Yep, I'm getting my head in the game already. My husband made a comment about self control today and it hurt my feelings. He didnt mean to, you know how men can be, but it still stings.

[CG75 10]

What does SAHM stand for?

[icon23 273]

What does SAHM stand for?

Stay-at-home mom

[LadyK 164]

What does SAHM stand for?

Stay at home mom

[CG75 10]

Ok thanks, im not familiar w all the acronyms yet.