Objections From Loved Ones

[iggychic 1,405]

Even your skinny friends might be jealous or threatened that you won't be their "fat friend" anymore. I think it's definitely harder for them to understand needing WLS' date=' but even overweight people have prejudices and misconceptions about it. Whatever their reasons for objecting, you have to focus on the reasons you have decided this is what's best for you. Hopefully they will come around after they see that you are successful and able to sustain it.[/quote']

Honey...I hate to break your bubble..but a friend that is jealous and or threatened by your looks is not a real friend and not worth the time of day you give them.

OK for those who won't be telling family or people close to them (it's fine not to tell people you don't like LOL). I nearly died having this surgery. People have died having it. How on earth do you think that will make your loved ones feel if you sneak in and then die? That's not fair, and it's not love

In the end I didn't die, but I was bedridden for almost two months. My dear friends, who didn't think I needed the surgery because they loved me just the way I was, were rocks of support! They made me broths, visited me in hospital hours away to bring the things I needed, took my child on outings with their children so he would experience great things and supported my husband in his struggle to be corporate CEO, Nanny and Housekeeper as well as chief cook and bottle washer. How would they have reacted if I didn't tell them???? I think, rightly so, they would have been shocked and angry that I didn't feel comfortable sharing with them in advance. I love my friends, and they love me, so no matter how they felt about the surgery, they supported me in ways I can never thank them for. My mother also chipped in and helped take care of my small child as did the nanny who worked extra hours several times to help my husband while he was visiting me during surgeries or procedures. Had I not told my mother I don't think I could have looked her in the face again. She's my mother for gods sake. She deserves to know if her "baby" is having something major done to their body.

My mother thought this was drastic, as did my friends. They were right. So freaking drastic it almost killed me. No one has said "I told you so" though hell I'd be thinking it in their position.

I am turning 50 this year. Mom is 70. She still gets stressed if something is happening in our life. She's my mother, that's her right. If my son were having a major surgery and didn't tell me I'd be pretty danged upset. If the kid gets a freaking tattoo and does not tell me I'll smack him (ok I don't hit LOL just saying....). When we take risks we owe it to the people who worried about us when we were little to help alleviate their worry when we are big. You're still their baby and if your mom is a good mom, you'll do so til you are 70. That's what mom's are supposed to do.

I'm glad OP that you told her. She can now process this big worry and join you in your goals of a healthier life. She's fair to worry. I was low BMI with no comorbidities...totally low risk, and nearly died. You aren't being fair if you dismiss her concerns...they are valid and very real concerns that you should also have given you have small children to consider when having this surgery.

[icon23 273]

Honey...I hate to break your bubble..but a friend that is jealous and or threatened by your looks is not a real friend and not worth the time of day you give them.

OK for those who won't be telling family or people close to them (it's fine not to tell people you don't like LOL). I nearly died having this surgery. People have died having it. How on earth do you think that will make your loved ones feel if you sneak in and then die? That's not fair, and it's not love

In the end I didn't die, but I was bedridden for almost two months. My dear friends, who didn't think I needed the surgery because they loved me just the way I was, were rocks of support! They made me broths, visited me in hospital hours away to bring the things I needed, took my child on outings with their children so he would experience great things and supported my husband in his struggle to be corporate CEO, Nanny and Housekeeper as well as chief cook and bottle washer. How would they have reacted if I didn't tell them???? I think, rightly so, they would have been shocked and angry that I didn't feel comfortable sharing with them in advance. I love my friends, and they love me, so no matter how they felt about the surgery, they supported me in ways I can never thank them for. My mother also chipped in and helped take care of my small child as did the nanny who worked extra hours several times to help my husband while he was visiting me during surgeries or procedures. Had I not told my mother I don't think I could have looked her in the face again. She's my mother for gods sake. She deserves to know if her "baby" is having something major done to their body.

My mother thought this was drastic, as did my friends. They were right. So freaking drastic it almost killed me. No one has said "I told you so" though hell I'd be thinking it in their position.

I am turning 50 this year. Mom is 70. She still gets stressed if something is happening in our life. She's my mother, that's her right. If my son were having a major surgery and didn't tell me I'd be pretty danged upset. If the kid gets a freaking tattoo and does not tell me I'll smack him (ok I don't hit LOL just saying....). When we take risks we owe it to the people who worried about us when we were little to help alleviate their worry when we are big. You're still their baby and if your mom is a good mom, you'll do so til you are 70. That's what mom's are supposed to do.

I'm glad OP that you told her. She can now process this big worry and join you in your goals of a healthier life. She's fair to worry. I was low BMI with no comorbidities...totally low risk, and nearly died. You aren't being fair if you dismiss her concerns...they are valid and very real concerns that you should also have given you have small children to consider when having this surgery.

I think you mean well, but I think that telling those of us who have chosen to be selective in who/when we tell that we don't love our loved ones is unduly harsh. For me, I really do fear that my mother would literally worry herself to death if I tell her too far in advance and maybe I'm not giving her enough credit, but I'm also not taking that chance. My bf knows and he would be the person most responsible for taking care of me (or for notifying people of my death) if things were to go wrong. I tried to tell my closest friend and her response was so dejecting that I'm not willing to go there yet with people that I'm less close to. I have absolute confidence that my true friends will understand that I felt I had to make this decision on my own and when I tell them (immediately upon my release from the hospital or possibly even via email on my way to the hospital), they will be supportive whether I have complications or not.

We all have different personalities, perspectives, relationships, coping mechanisms, etc and we come here for support not harsh judgments. I respect everyone's choices and I only want the same in return.

[geno5150 168]

Do you think that parents may feel some sense of responsibility for their kids having weight issues? I know mine do, even though they have never come out and said it. It may be guilt that makes them reluctant to support this decision, IMO.

[iggychic 1,405]

I'm sorry, but as a mother, if you have a relationship with your mother, it's not fair not to tell her. No you don't have to tell her six months in advance...that's great, but to not tell her until on the way to the hospital, or afterwards, or even worse, if your BF tells her when you've died....as a mom, I would find that cruel and so sad. Mom's want to hug you goodbye if there is a chance. They deserve that hug if they are good mom's.

[Kalipso2 25]

family, friends and co-workers were not happy about me revising from the lapband to the sleeve and going to Mexico alone sent everyone over the edge. they all knew that getting angry wouldn't change my mind but guilt would almost stop me in my tracks.

i'm SO thankful, in the end, that my sister held back my 15 year old niece's feelings. i guess on their way home from their last visit with me before surgery, Ashley cried the entire ride home. if i had known that, i would have cancelled the surgery.

here i was thinking about myself and i never wanted to give much thought to what everyone else was feeling. it made my recover in mexico even worse because there was a 3 hour time difference. the day of my surgery, i was out of it and i assumed someone had called my parents... nope, no one did... so i got an earful when i called home the day after surgery. then on my 3rd day in mexico i was literally running all over... trasferring to the hotel, getting my drain out, getting a leak test... that i forgot to call home. somehow my mom tracked me down at the hotel and gave me hell. in her mind, something had happened and i was rushed back into surgery. i just kept saying "i'm sorry, i'm sorry".

looking back at it, it WAS selfish of me not to think about everyone's feelings BUT i did what i needed to do to be happy.

[twoolley 141]

Yeah, when my mom suggested I put it off a few months to give everyone time to get used to the idea, I told her that maybe it would be best if I just didn't tell people until after - if it was going to upset them so much.

Putting it off for everyone else is for them. This surgery is about you. Getting healthy is about you. Living longer for your children is about you.

[Kalipso2 25]

imagine how upset my family was when they asked how i was paying for the surgery and i told them i cashed in my personal life insurance policy! i still have a work policy : )

[JoJo57 63]

I've been thinking a lot about this tell/don't tell issue. So this post is going to be very self indulgent. Sorry - feel free to keep scrolling.

First, the people in my life have probably grown tired of listening to me talk about Jo's weight and crazy diets. I know I would be tired of hearing this stuff. Although I'm obsessed with WLS and its aftermath, it's just not that interesting to other people.

Second, it's a bell that cannot be unrung. Erring on the side of caution, I'm not broadcasting this very personal information - at least not outside my circle of trust.

One semi-ex boyfriend has made oaffish remarks about my weight over the years. Why would I want to share this experience with him? So he can make more clueless comments?

Third, I did talk it over with my sisters and one close very respected friend. And my PCP - whose mother has successfully lived with WLS!

So there ya go.

Sent from my iPhone using VST

[theshrinkingchef 61]

It sucks when you're loved ones don't seem to be supportive. I used to feel that way whenever I went to my mom and shared the next adventure with her and she never seemed enthusiastic. I got to the point where I called her out on it and she finally shared that it wasn't that she wasn't happy or supportive of me, but that she was just overly cautious. Sometimes for her, it's very difficult to throw caution to the wind, whereas, I'm the first one off the ledge! That being said, this surgery is a major deal and although it may not come out that way, she's probably very nervous and like most if us that were heavy for a while or struggled with weight their whole lives, she may be concerned about whether or not this will work. Our parents want us to be successful!( I hope). That being said, regardless of whether she's on board or not, this is your decision. This is for your wellness and happiness. You have to live with you and how you feel about yourself. I would never put things on hold to satisfy someone elses feelings, especially when you're the one that has to live with it. They have their lives and I'm sure may not consider your feelings when making decisions for themselves. That's absolutely selfish! I will say that I am considering the sleeve and for the first time in my life, I am taking my time to get my mind and body ready for a complete lifestyle change. If you're not committed to doing the work, you will struggle. It's important that you feel ready for this, not anyone else. Good luck! I'm sure once you go through with this, things will change.

Btw, I told mg mom I was considering this and she decided to do it for herself, as well. Go figure!