Who Will I Be Without My Fat Shield?

[Cadilex 52]

I've looked for it for as far back as I can remember, really, even though everything I do seems to say I don't really want it found. And in the end, when it found me, it did exactly what I thought I wanted - it changed everything. That thing, that one thing, has catapulted me from the comfort I know into a new place I thought wanted to go. I know it's a good thing, but all I can think is, "What have I done?"

I am sick now. That kind of sick that makes the doctor say, "If you don't lose some weight now, you are going to die - and I don't mean in a year or two - I mean very soon."

Kidneys working at 25 percent. Liver working at about the same.

I haven't been in my 50s long enough yet to even say hello.

It wasn't the "Ah-Ha! moment" I wanted at all. My family will know what I've pretended all these years they didn't... that I am an idiot for being so careless with the precious, joy-filled, blessed life given so freely to me - a husband I love beyond measure and who absolutely adores me, too, two great kids who married well and have beautiful kids of their own, a boat-load of wonderful friends, a Savior who died for me, and all the other requisite bells and whistles.

An idiot.

The really sick thing about it is that the thing I find the most frightening isn't that I find myself so close to death!! No, it isn't that at all. I am paralized with fear at the thought that I will have to give up my fat shield.

How will I hide whatever it is I must be hiding? Who will I be without it? Do I really have the courage to find out?

This morning, I was pretty sure I didn't.

Today is the first day in this long process that I am really frightened and wobbly. I have been thinking about where I was a few months ago when I got home from the doctor after getting such frightening news about the true state of my health. I sat down at my computer and wrote those words above - not TO anyone, just to get out what it was I was thinking about all that had happened to me in those past few days.

Although, with the unwavering support and help from my amazing husband of 35 years, I have decided, after months of research, to move forward with the decision to have the vertical sleeve, I found myself almost crippled this morning by the fear of not knowing who I will be after this process is over. I have cried and cried. I cried out of frustration because I have no idea what happened to me that would allow me to eat myself into such a horrible mess. I just wanted to throw up my hands and go hide my soul somewhere where no one could ever find it again.

Fear is a hateful, hateful thing.

Then - and this will REALLY sound stupid - I decided I was more afraid of someone thinking I was afraid of ANYTHING than I was of being afraid to keep on trying. Don't worry. I don't understand it either.

So I blew my nose, dried my eyes, washed my face and took a deep breath. I took a long look in the mirrow and told myself that feeling sorry for myself - and everyone else whose lives I have robbed of joy because of my weight problems and its related issues - wasn't going to accomplish anything and it was effort I should be putting toward making the situation better instead of worse.

I know if I don't come to terms with the unknown ahead of me, it is going to cripple me.

[TakeCareGirl 161]

Bless your heart. Fear is natural. But your courage has gotten you this far - you have a surgery date. Use that courage and the courage that can come from your loved ones to get through it.

I wish you well!

[Bailey's Mom 7]

You should be so proud of yourself!!!!!!!!!!! You have found the courage to proceed into the unknown, face your fears and enter in to a battle to save yourself and start an incredible journey . We are all at some stage of the journey and will keep each other going by sharing our feelings, thoughts, insights, and ideas.

My surgery is tomorrow morning and I am wrestling with fear, excitement, terror and relief. Your post has touched me and reinforced that I am not alone. Thank you

[LaBelle509 326]

WoW!! this post is so profound! After I read it, I had to sit down and think for a while. And then I read it again. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I am looking forward to reading more from you.

[lsereno 2,525]

I strongly recommend seeing a therapist at least once pre-op. I recommend it to anyone considering this surgery. Therapists are trained to hear us say what we cannot hear ourselves say and help us understand what that means for us. The more work we do pre-op, the hbetter.

I am happy that you have opened your eyes to the gifts you have in your life and that you are working towards making the most of them by improving your health. It also provides a good example to your children and others in your life who look to you for guidance about how to live their lives. I was in the same boat as you - happy long term marriage, loving family, and my health was keeping me from enjoying it as much as I could. I was terrified I would have to look at those I loved and tell them I was dying because I couldn't take the weight off.

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

I totally recommend seeing a therapist more than once. It takes a couple of sessions to feel safe enough to share those fears and the fears that underneath those fears. This is an amazing journey and will help you become a healthier, beautiful, loving, caring, person that you are......This is the beginning of a new journey, the journey to you.......your family will benefit by seeing you become healthier and happy and will take better care of themselves. Your grandchildren need to know who you are...and yes, I heard you, your not quite sure who you are, especially without your fat suit on......Actually, you are you, and you are always going to be you. You will just evolve and become a little more confident. You will struggle in the beginning, but will transform......you are beautiful. This surgery is for your health, it's not a vanity issue, but you will gain the added benefits of a healthy you.....Hang in there and keep going forward......Please see a therapist along with your new journey to the new you.......

[delta_girl 931]

In college, through some very extreme dieting, I hit 116 lbs. It was the first time since elementary school that I weighed that, with my weight usually being 160-170 (5'3"). Even though that was a few decades ago, I recall being that weight and thinking to myself that inside I felt no different. I still had problems and responsibilities and insecurities. I thought that there would be an internal transformation at the same time and it didn't happen. Obviously I gained it all back and then some.

This is a challenge that I know is coming again. At least I am aware of it, though I don't know how it will play out at my age and experience level. Fat is like having a cozy buffer between yourself and the rest of the world. You are insulated and can feed that comfort with more food. At least that is my interpretation.

The only counseling I have ever been through was what was necessary prior to my surgery, but I'm not opposed to talking to a professional if I find myself feeling lost or begin to self-sabotage.

Yes, OP, that unknown is scary, but we will forge ahead!

[tinydancer 19]

I know what you mean. I've hidden in mine all of my life, trying to keep strangers out and keep me in for other reasons. I ran from an old love for 38 years after i married my husband. after all these years he contacted me and i learned he still loved me even with the 100 lbs. extra pounds. i realized that my weight was not what defined ME, or protected me and i then decided it was time for me to live my life and be healthy and stop living in fear!! I am learning to love myself and my life everyday. I can't change the past but I can change my future, and I choose to take off my fat suit. I know I have a lot to learn. I will be praying for you, i know how you feel.

[BKMama 179]

Your post truly hit home for me. I am seeing a therapist and one of the things we discuss is something I said in an earlier session. I said that it had become comforting that my size made me feel invisible. How ironic, right?

As we dove a bit deeper, it's more about how I was carrying myself and how *I* made myself invisible with some of my actions. Then she asked me was I ready to not be invisible and I didn't have an immediate answer for her. Of course, I should be ready...but you're so right. It's scary! It's uncharted territory (for me) so I'm not even sure HOW to handle not being invisible.

Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and that my therapist has been a godsend with helping me with all of the emotions of before ans after surgery. Hang in there. :-)

[Cadilex 52]

Thank you, one and all, for your kind responses. I am very grateful for your thoughts and insight.

[rosehips 121]

I was so fearful I almost cancelled surgery one week prior, I was scared of the unknown and I was comfortable with my current large body. (290). I am 10 weeks post op, I am happy and having so much fin shrinking into all the clothes I grew out of. I now weight 245 so by society standards I am still big, I feel so fabulous, I no longer walk in a room intimidated, scared and feeling judged. Thank God I had the courage to walk forward, in fact I heard clearly from my higher power to walk forward and do this. Keep posting, anything you feel, someone else has felt it or had that experience too.

[desertmom 297]

I've lived my life in fear for many years.Fat made so many things just impossible and kept me "safe".

Until the day I lost my flying pills at a small airport in Turkey,dumped my bag on the floor and told my family tomfly without me,I cannot do it without my pills.< /p>

My little 7 year old burst out crying and started shouting at me:"Mom,you always tell us to be brave.You always say being brave is not the absence of fear but doing it in spite of being scared.YOU ARE SUCH A COWARD".Everyone was looking at us.

I picked up my bag,told her maybe she should just hold my hand,lets go fly!What else coudl I do?I was being such a coward and my kids saw me for who I really was,not for what I told them life should be like.

Now,I live my life,even though I still have fear, in spite of the fear.I am not always brave and some things I might never overcome,but I dont have to know every detail of every feeling I might have,the outcome of every situation before I go into it.I take things day by day and face life little by little.

What might be a little thing to someone else is sometimes a huge victory for me.And I Celebrate each one of them.

And losing the weight,permanently, is like freedom I have never experienced in my life before.

You go girl.Get your sleeve,get yourself healthy and experience true freedom.

[Cadilex 52]

Thank you everyone.