Possible Seperation And The Sleeve?

[diamondkized 70]

Hi

With 5 kids and loving your husband,not overreacting at this point is very important.

His new business is as big a life chaning event than what your upcoming surgery is.He went with you for your appointments and that is more than what a whole lot of women can say.He listened to your rants about you feel about yourself...that says a lot too.He has a whole lot of stress to deal with right now,the business and your upcoming surgery.

If his late nights are purely work related I would say you have to have some understanding for that too.Us girls want emosional support.Boys "do".They fix things and if you are very insecure at the moment,he might just not have the ability to fix that.Then of course the threat of you becoming pretty,new and dinamic...this scares them too.However the more we nag about things we think they do wrong the more they avoid situations where they have to listen being nagged at...lol.

Surely he wont walk out the door just before your surgery but you will have to become a little more self reliant as far as your feelings are concerned.

Is he a bad husband and father?Do you maybe rely too heavily upon him for emosional support and to feel secure?And dont we all often say stuff we just dont really mean?Maybe the stress of it all is just getting to him.Maybe the stress of all this is getting to you and the situation might just seem worse than it is.

Just sit down and think about this.We cannot fix anyone but ourselves.What can you do to support him,make him want to come home earlier?

And dont you think you might need the surgery even more if at some point in the future you will have to take care of yourself and your kids by yourself?

It might not be as simplistic as this but then it might just be.I am just saying,think it through very carefully.What can you do to make things better?

Wow. I guess I never thought about it like that. I swear that I try to be supportive with his goals but he won't allow me to. This new house he is buying, well he keeps saying when the time is right he will show me. Everything he does is labeled as his business and nothing to do with me. You are right though, I fuss a lot about him not being here and I think it makes it worse but i don't think I should have to keep my feelings to myself.

If I can find at least one person to help. Me during the surgery I will do it. He keeps saying that I can't deal with his work ethic and that I need someone else and last night he decided that he would leave. I'm not sure if he just said it or if it's true but I'm done arguing. I never walked out on him no matter what. I was willing to fight he isn't.

[desertmom 297]

Im truely sorry to hear this.It is just so sad when families break up.

I wonder though why he is trying to "show you".

Good luck and I will keep you and him in my prayers.

xxo

[funkeechiggen 135]

Before you read my post understand that I am a cynic when it comes to relationships. After being cheated on multiple times in the past 2 major relationships I've had, it's to be expected.

Now, for my opinion. Your husband refuses to tell you about his business dealings and belittles you by calling you stupid and ignorant when you inquire about them. He is being defensive for a reason. What is that reason? Could be a number of reasons... My guess is he is either: a.) failing miserably at the business venture and doesn't want to own up to it, b.) he is involved in something that may not be 100% legal and doesn't want to own up to it or, c.) there is no business venture and he may be seeing someone else while he is claiming he is working. Why would he not want you to know what is going on if everything is on the up-and-up? Unless he is just being a jerk for no good reason... In which case, why would you want to stay with someone like that? Why would you want to stay with someone who calls you names? In your mind's eye, when you picture what true love is, do you picture someone calling you stupid and ignorant? Do you want your kids to have a father who calls their mother stupid and ignorant?

Again, I am a total cynic and I tend to expect the worst out of people, so keep that in mind... Just some food for thought. I hope I'm 100% wrong and you can work things out. But, honestly, please don't be one of those people who sticks it out "for the kids' sake". You're not doing your children any favors staying in an emotionally abusive relationship.

And finally, most importantly, trust your instincts. In my experience they are right 100% of the time.

[wdrake_98 22]

I would love to see a counselor but it takes two to make it work' date=' and he is not emotionally in the marriage anymore.[/quote']

Unfortunately my friends are single and single minded. Everythie you have a problem there solution is to leave and find someone else. I made the mistake of just making life revolve around him so I am basically alone.

Diamond.... If that's your real name, remember its meaning. Diamonds are strong, the only thing that can cut a diamond, is a diamond. You are strong. You had 5 children, that's proof enough.

I see your pain, as I've been in a similar situation of not being wanted by the man I loved.

But you have to find a way to love yourself and your children first.

You are coming here for support, and everyone is telling you to think about YOURSELF not about him and your responses keep going back to how you feel about him, him, him.

Lets talk about you.

You don't need him to go to counseling with you, you go by yourself. You will learn more about yourself then you ever thought you knew.

Most counseling I've ever attended, works from the perspective of each person taking responsibility and fixing his/her actions. Not finger pointing or trying to force a person to do something he is not ready to do.

So start by fixing you. Do what's right for you.

[diamondkized 70]

Diamond.... If that's your real name, remember its meaning. Diamonds are strong, the only thing that can cut a diamond, is a diamond. You are strong. You had 5 children, that's proof enough.

I see your pain, as I've been in a similar situation of not being wanted by the man I loved.

But you have to find a way to love yourself and your children first.

You are coming here for support, and everyone is telling you to think about YOURSELF not about him and your responses keep going back to how you feel about him, him, him.

Lets talk about you.

You don't need him to go to counseling with you, you go by yourself. You will learn more about yourself then you ever thought you knew.

Most counseling I've ever attended, works from the perspective of each person taking responsibility and fixing his/her actions. Not finger pointing or trying to force a person to do something he is not ready to do.

So start by fixing you. Do what's right for you.

I think you are absolutely right. Believe it or not reading these posts have been a great help to me. I think I lost myself a long time ago and I just stop living my own life. I thought about going for myself ut I know I didn't want to sound like I was crazy. I have been thinking of ways to get myself back into life before this drives me crazy.

[diamondkized 70]

Before you read my post understand that I am a cynic when it comes to relationships. After being cheated on multiple times in the past 2 major relationships I've had, it's to be expected.

Now, for my opinion. Your husband refuses to tell you about his business dealings and belittles you by calling you stupid and ignorant when you inquire about them. He is being defensive for a reason. What is that reason? Could be a number of reasons... My guess is he is either: a.) failing miserably at the business venture and doesn't want to own up to it, b.) he is involved in something that may not be 100% legal and doesn't want to own up to it or, c.) there is no business venture and he may be seeing someone else while he is claiming he is working. Why would he not want you to know what is going on if everything is on the up-and-up? Unless he is just being a jerk for no good reason... In which case, why would you want to stay with someone like that? Why would you want to stay with someone who calls you names? In your mind's eye, when you picture what true love is, do you picture someone calling you stupid and ignorant? Do you want your kids to have a father who calls their mother stupid and ignorant?

Again, I am a total cynic and I tend to expect the worst out of people, so keep that in mind... Just some food for thought. I hope I'm 100% wrong and you can work things out. But, honestly, please don't be one of those people who sticks it out "for the kids' sake". You're not doing your children any favors staying in an emotionally abusive relationship.

And finally, most importantly, trust your instincts. In my experience they are right 100% of the time.

I have had trust issues but I learned that they can kill a relationship. I have let my mind wonder about what may be going on but at the end of the day I will never know. I try to believe what you do in the dark will come out in the light. I think that I pt too much focus on him and I don't want o continue to do that. I want to Celebrate the fact that I can have surgery soon to change my life. It's just hard when you are dealt a blow like this when you need all the support you can get.

[*Shell* 162]

Hi, I really hope you are feeling better...obviously it is your decision and only you can make the right choices for you and your family but me personally, I think by going ahead with the sleeve and working towards your goal will be a great confidence booster for you when you see the scales going down. This will shine through you...

My situation now post sleeve is my hubby can't leave me alone, he is so affectionate and caring as I think he can see the confidence in me now with only 25kgs gone. What till the last half comes off

You don't want to put this on the back burner and wait for the right time as you may regret this then become angry at him for you feeling like you had to postpone the op. I reckon- GO FOR IT AND TIME TO DO THIS FOR YOU !!! Great things will follow from there

[Cookiemonster73 92]

So sorry about you situation... I hope and pray that God gives you the straight to deal with your husband... The sleeve is to HELP you, it will not change his behavior or make him love you more or any different.... So make sure that this choice is based on what is best for YOU ....Financial problems can bring the worst out of any marriage. Not to mention the stress of trying to start your own business... Plz pray ask God for a better understanding of you husband, marriage, children and your surgery... You already have your surgery date, that's God will!! I think he is insecure about the outcome eventually he will get over it.. God Bless.

[diamondkized 70]

So sorry about you situation... I hope and pray that God gives you the straight to deal with your husband... The sleeve is to HELP you, it will not change his behavior or make him love you more or any different.... So make sure that this choice is based on what is best for YOU ....Financial problems can bring the worst out of any marriage. Not to mention the stress of trying to start your own business... Plz pray ask God for a better understanding of you husband, marriage, children and your surgery... You already have your surgery date, that's God will!! I think he is insecure about the outcome eventually he will get over it.. God Bless.

Thank you for your posting. I have been praying for things to work out and I believe things will work out or the best. I guess that I am just afraid of how things will work during that time. God forbid I have any complications! One thing Is I have always wanted the sleeve for me and he wanted me to do it the natural way but I weighed my options to do the best for me. I am certain that it won't change the marriage but I am looking forward to the uplifting that I will feel by losing weight.

[diamondkized 70]

Hi, I really hope you are feeling better...obviously it is your decision and only you can make the right choices for you and your family but me personally, I think by going ahead with the sleeve and working towards your goal will be a great confidence booster for you when you see the scales going down. This will shine through you...

My situation now post sleeve is my hubby can't leave me alone, he is so affectionate and caring as I think he can see the confidence in me now with only 25kgs gone. What till the last half comes off

You don't want to put this on the back burner and wait for the right time as you may regret this then become angry at him for you feeling like you had to postpone the op. I reckon- GO FOR IT AND TIME TO DO THIS FOR YOU !!! Great things will follow from there

I thank you for the encouragement and you are right. I would be upset if I didn't do this. It's also good to see that there are some positive sides of the sleeve as far as marriage goes. I was hoping my husband would e the way yours is but his loss. I am one sexy beast!

[Cookiemonster73 92]

That were your FAITH comes in BELIEVE that God will deal with any complications... I have found myself in bad situations with my husband of 11yrs but if I'm sick or ill he steps up... Believe that God will handle your husband...

[Cookiemonster73 92]

About the natural way my husband said the same... my husband eats everything and doesn't brain weight I watch him eat and gain 10 pounds... Lol I didn't get my surgery put I will... For sure! I have tried it ALL and It isn't a enough just loss inches and gain more weight.. It is get discouraged... I know my husband won't be to happy about get wls but it's not for him it all for me... That has to be your mind set... THIS IS YOUR GOAL!

[ozeedonkee 145]

Calling you ignorant and stupid because you want to be involved in a huge financial decision is UNACCEPTABLE. Actually - calling you that regardless of why he called you that is wrong. He has no right to do that. And I don't care how insecure he *might* be feeling.

[wdrake_98 22]

Thank you for your posting. I have been praying for things to work out and I believe things will work out or the best. I guess that I am just afraid of how things will work during that time. God forbid I have any complications! One thing Is I have always wanted the sleeve for me and he wanted me to do it the natural way but I weighed my options to do the best for me. I am certain that it won't change the marriage but I am looking forward to the uplifting that I will feel by losing weight.

About the natural way my husband said the same... my husband eats everything and doesn't brain weight I watch him eat and gain 10 pounds... Lol I didn't get my surgery put I will... For sure! I have tried it ALL and It isn't a enough just loss inches and gain more weight.. It is get discouraged... I know my husband won't be to happy about get wls but it's not for him it all for me... That has to be your mind set... THIS IS YOUR GOAL!

Natural way my large A$$, geez that strikes a nerve with me. Every time my husband would say that, all conversations would just stop. Ugh. Just so annoying for someone to speak on how easy something is, when they aren't living with the problem.

While in preop I was visited by a male nurse who also had the sleeve. He was so reassuring. His wife got the surgery before him, and I think a few months later he did too. He lost over 100 lb already. I know I don't have that much to lose, but that's now...in 4 years after a few kids, who knows how large I would be.

I dont argue with stupidity or arrogance. There is no point. I value the opinion of someone who's experienced the problem over someone who's talking in theory. .

[Cookiemonster73 92]

@Wdrake I agree!! It upset me when my husband give is opinion as if he has been in my shoes..