November Bandsters!

[L8BloomR 1]

Connie, I am impressed with your determination to teach your son right from wrong, no matter what!! You just got some great suggestions and I just have one more thing to add. Don't let the pain of punishing your son get you down or make you waver. You have great instincts and are doing the right thing by "lowering the boom" now instead of waiting for the next infraction. My own son started to become a holy terror when he was a teenager, but my DH and I got some "tough love" advice and it turned him around completely. It was hard and he used the "I hate you" stuff so much, but we stuck with it. Out of his entire group of friends, he was the only one to graduate, to stay away from drugs, and to never get arrested. He is now 37 years old, upright and honorable....the finest man you could ever want to meet. He has thanked us again and again for being the only parents from his crowd of friends that cared enough to do the hard work of getting and keeping him out of trouble. As a parent, I don't think you can ask for better than that!

Hang in there... you are doing great!

Karen

[conniesueb 1]

Thanks for all the responses. As far as prom goes--he is only a junior this year, so he could go next year. I just don't know. He is not even the prom-going type, and I am surprised he even wants to go. I just don't trust him anymore--at all. He had pretty free reign before--I always told him I would trust him until he gave me a reason not to, and as far as I'm concrened, this is a reason not to. Of course, now he is trying to make me feel guilty and telling me that even his friends parents think I'm overreacting, but it's easy to say that when it is not your kid. I'm just afraid that if I back down now, he will think I am a pushover, and try to walk all over me. I'm just so disappointed in him--I never in a million years expected anything like this from him.

[L8BloomR 1]

Thanks for all the responses. As far as prom goes--he is only a junior this year, so he could go next year. I just don't know. He is not even the prom-going type, and I am surprised he even wants to go. I just don't trust him anymore--at all. He had pretty free reign before--I always told him I would trust him until he gave me a reason not to, and as far as I'm concrened, this is a reason not to. Of course, now he is trying to make me feel guilty and telling me that even his friends parents think I'm overreacting, but it's easy to say that when it is not your kid. I'm just afraid that if I back down now, he will think I am a pushover, and try to walk all over me. I'm just so disappointed in him--I never in a million years expected anything like this from him.

Connie,

My son's friends also said their parents thought we were being too hard on our son. A couple of the parents even called us to tell us that! But hard as it was, we stuck to our guns.... and it was THEIR kids who later got into drugs, got into trouble, and dropped out of school.... I think especially since he has another year to go to the prom, you shouldn't feel bad for keeping him out of this prom. Remember, the tougher you are now (if justified---which this is), the easier it will be later. At least that was our experience!!

Keep your chin up..... you WILL get through this!

Karen

[Betsyjane 2]

Make sure he knows that this is HIS problem and not YOURS. He now has to figure out how to regain your trust, and he has to tolerate however much time it takes to do that. This is not about your parenting. This is about him doing things to show you he can be trusted so he can slowly regain his priveleges. Don't let him pull that "other kids' parents" stuff. Whenever he points at you, point it back at him. His behavior got him into this...not yours!

[Oberhasli 1]

Thanks for all the responses. As far as prom goes--he is only a junior this year, so he could go next year. I just don't know. He is not even the prom-going type, and I am surprised he even wants to go. I just don't trust him anymore--at all. He had pretty free reign before--I always told him I would trust him until he gave me a reason not to, and as far as I'm concrened, this is a reason not to. Of course, now he is trying to make me feel guilty and telling me that even his friends parents think I'm overreacting, but it's easy to say that when it is not your kid. I'm just afraid that if I back down now, he will think I am a pushover, and try to walk all over me. I'm just so disappointed in him--I never in a million years expected anything like this from him.

OK, a man's perspective.

First of all, DON'T back down on your punishment whether you are right or wrong. It teaches them that if they whine and complain enough, you'll cave so any future punishment you give will have no value. You can add conditions in which he can earn specific, limited privileges by displaying good behavior.

As to the prom, especially a young man with hormones obviously fully engaged, prom is an opportunity to put those hormones to use with something other than oneself. Unless he needs to burn those extra calories, you may want to think strongly on this. Or offer to allow him to go but you're going to chaperone. (My guess is that will kill the moment quite quickly!)

I'll probably get tarred and feathered for the next comment (but hey, it's not kinky if you all enjoy it <G>), but porn is not the worse thing in the world and it's FAR safer than putting those desires to use with others. Unless his hand has been bad and going places it shouldn't, at which point he can wear a latex glove, he's not going to catch anything or father a child by looking at porn and relieving some built up tensions. (My son, who will be 19 on Sunday, use to get made as if he were acting extra bitchy, I'd ask him if he needed to go to the other room and release some tensions. It embarrassed him but was usually quite effective in an immediate turn around in behavior.) Sorry, but boys will be boys.

Of all of his indiscretions, the things that would bother me the most are his lying and the smoking. I also told our son that no matter what he did, the punishment for lying would be far more severe than anything he could do. Once you've lost my trust, it will take a very, very long time to restore it. The smoking is not only expensive but clearly a major health risk. I started smoking when in 3rd grade and smoke 3 packs a day by the time I was in high school. I haven't smoked for 12+ years but there are still days I crave them. If you nag him on this, he's going to do it as rebellion. The Cancer Society volunteer method may work. Kids now days now the health risk but as teenagers, think they're invinsible.

Tom

[Vikki 2]

Pure Pressure is so hard to deal with when you are a teen. You are completely confused as it is then others trying to get you to do things you know you aren't suppose to. If he is a Jr. then I think don't back down. I still have do things like I did when I was a teenager. I am in a small office and my boss is gone a lot so I would sneak out early a lot and one day he called in looking for me and I was at Target shopping and called my cell. I got in big trouble and felt like just like I did when I was younger and got caught.......I was so mad at myself thinking I know better and I am an adult now. I used it for my own kids to show them that we as parents still make mistakes but your decisions can get you in trouble. Try to make the right choices of your actions. I am lucky I didn't get fired that day. Stick to your punishment even if others say you are being too strict. Your not physically harming him so tell them to butt out of your business and deal with their own children. I hate it when other parents.....relatives.....try to tell you how to be a parent. No matter how hard we try to do the right thing there is always going to be someone out there telling you it is the wrong thing and what they do is the right thing. You do what you feel is right. Trust is something that is earned.......it takes awhile to gain it back once broken. Have learned that too many times in my life. Good luck and your support system is here for ya girl!!!!

Good luck and don't let his guilt trip get to you!!!!!!!!

[conniesueb 1]

Thanks guys! I knew this was the right place to get some perspective. Tom, the only real problem I have with him looking at the porn is that he was using our computer to do it, and not his own. He knows my daughter uses that computer, and he had been told explicitly before, that he was not allowed to use it for anything but school stuff. I know that teenage boys have urges, and curiosity, but the fact that he used my computer to do it is what really pissed me off. His excuse is that he was bored--sorry that doesn't fly with me. That's the same excuse he gave for egging cars. I know it could be worse--he could have been drinking or doing drugs, but this is still a big deal to me. Like I said, it's an mixture of everything that has been going on for the last month. And he is going to have to work lpong and hard to gain my trust back. But thanks again guys, for all the encouragement and support. November bandsters ROCK!! I am going to watch American Idol now, and vote for everyone but Sanjaya!!!!!!! Love you guys!!

[Oberhasli 1]

Thanks guys! I knew this was the right place to get some perspective. Tom, the only real problem I have with him looking at the porn is that he was using our computer to do it, and not his own. He knows my daughter uses that computer, and he had been told explicitly before, that he was not allowed to use it for anything but school stuff. I know that teenage boys have urges, and curiosity, but the fact that he used my computer to do it is what really pissed me off. His excuse is that he was bored--sorry that doesn't fly with me. That's the same excuse he gave for egging cars. I know it could be worse--he could have been drinking or doing drugs, but this is still a big deal to me. Like I said, it's an mixture of everything that has been going on for the last month. And he is going to have to work lpong and hard to gain my trust back. But thanks again guys, for all the encouragement and support. November bandsters ROCK!! I am going to watch American Idol now, and vote for everyone but Sanjaya!!!!!!! Love you guys!!

I understand the concern over using your computer as it is another trust broken. As a parent, when I caught our son in a lie, it made me question the other things he was doing and not getting caught doing. Fortunately, our son was/is a pathetic liar so tends to get caught immediately.

Tom

[AngelaT 2]

Connie Sue ...i have been reading here! WOW! I know how you feel. I agree with Tom, do not back down. He can go tothe prom his Senior year. My son is getting married in a couple of weeks at age 25... I was a bit of a disciplinarian...in a very positive way...but never backed down. I also did alot of positive reinforcement since he was a toddler. It worked! He is great! 17 is a tough age because they think they are adult... but we know better than that. Good luck it will be fne!

[Betsyjane 2]

Bored, eh? That is also his problem to fix. Tell him his job now is to regain your trust. It is HIS problem to fix and not YOUR problem. Part of how you will begin to trust him again is when he is able to tell you what kinds of things he is going to put into his life so he doesn't get bored. What will he do when he is bored at home with the computer? What will he do when he is bored with his friends? What activities does he need to get involved in so he has less time to get bored? What new things to learn? This is his problem and he needs to struggle with it.

[prbrooksie 1]

I just have one thing to add to this issue...make sure he is being careful online or not on these sites at ALL! There are a lot of weirdos out there!

[Betsyjane 2]

I agree with prbrooksie! I know guys think differently about porn, but there are a lot of scammers out there. I also hate the idea that yet another generation of guys will have unrealistic expeciations of women's bodies...a particularly sensitive issue on a lap band site. :-)

[Oberhasli 1]

I agree with prbrooksie! I know guys think differently about porn, but there are a lot of scammers out there. I also hate the idea that yet another generation of guys will have unrealistic expeciations of women's bodies...a particularly sensitive issue on a lap band site. :-)

Betsyjane, not that I'm a porn expert (really, I'm not <G>), but not all porn is geared to "perfect" bodied women. There are people that enjoy (a bit too much, maybe) LARGE people of either gender. There are all kinds of fetishes out there so porn, in and of itself, does not mean that a particular image is being promoted or exploited. Plus, he may not of been looking at the pictures. I'm sure he was reading it for the articles. :heh:

Not to make light of the situation, but I don't think that everyone that looks at porn is perverted or looking for their next victim. Granted, some are, but some are simply healthy, sexual beings that happen to like looking at pictures of a sexual nature. I think you can be a fully adjusted "normal" person even if you occasionally look at naked people. As I said, to me the issue is more that he broke the trust than he looked at porn.

Tom

[marni 0]

Okay, here is my 2 cents and I have had the befit of reading others perspectives....

First I really think that you need to take control NOW. As you are doing. I always am amazed when watching Oprah or something and it shows these kids, prostituting, running away, beating up there parents, doing drugs etc.... These kids did not wake up one day like this. They progressed to this point. It is very hard for us as parents to "hurt" our children even though we are doing it for thier own good. I made my 10 year old miss the Valentines day dance at her school for lying. I would say to permit him to go to his Senior Prom but it's only the Jr. and you said he's not the prom type anyway..... Now also keep in mind what goes on at Proms,,,,, late nights, no parents, drinking, sex.... all that good stuff. Maybe it's not the best environment right now.

Now, on this issues. I agree with Tom that boys will be boys BUT it is still your job as a parent to teach appropriate behavior. Searching the internet for porn IS NOT appropriate behavior. He could do it the old fashioned way by sneaking and buying a magazine. There are many dangerous things that happen on these sites and just because boys with hormones like to look at porn does not make it that a parent should say, oh, okay, fine. Likewise, you wouldn't get mad if you found him taking care of business by himself...that's normal. I would put a parent control on ALL computers in the house. My computer has a password and my internet connection requires another. My kids can only use their computers! So, fix that problem.

Trust is a biggie and I always tell my daughters that they need to earn back their trust and priveledges. Lying is unacceptable. And he lied about breaking the rules to begin with! It is unacceptable to sneak out of the house at night and egg cars!

Friends.....It's really hard to tell your child you don't like their friends or they can't be friends with someone anymore. BUT, from what I am seeing is that this is an important issue in todays society with peer pressure. If you don't like who he is hanging with and what he is doing while he is hanging then dissallow unsupervised visits. First try limiting his hanging to your house or the friends, if parents are present. I'd tell the friends parents how you feel and what you are doing and no doubt they will agree to the terms you are setting forth in the friendship. IF not, then you know where the root of this problem lies and I wouldn't let him hang there or with the friend unsupervised at all.

So, now that Ive taken this from 2 cents to $2....Ill end by saying that as parents we are responsible for creating healthy environments and well rounded kids... This is so hard sometimes.

[marni 0]

Betsyjane, not that I'm a porn expert (really, I'm not <G>), but not all porn is geared to "perfect" bodied women. There are people that enjoy (a bit too much, maybe) LARGE people of either gender. There are all kinds of fetishes out there so porn, in and of itself, does not mean that a particular image is being promoted or exploited. Plus, he may not of been looking at the pictures. I'm sure he was reading it for the articles. :heh:

Not to make light of the situation, but I don't think that everyone that looks at porn is perverted or looking for their next victim. Granted, some are, but some are simply healthy, sexual beings that happen to like looking at pictures of a sexual nature. I think you can be a fully adjusted "normal" person even if you occasionally look at naked people. As I said, to me the issue is more that he broke the trust than he looked at porn.

Tom

I don't think that people who look at porn are deviated as well. I do however think that we shouldn't condone our teenagers taking part in such activities.