I don't get no Respect

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

RODNEY DANGERFIELD

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

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My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said,

"No, but I got the license plate."

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Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

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A hooker once told me she had a headache.

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I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

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If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"

She said, "No, I hate myself now."

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I knew a girl soo ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

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I knew a girl soo ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

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I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Dr. slapped my Mother.

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I went to see my DR.,DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this before? I said, "yes".

He said, "well you got it again".

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I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

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The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?"

He said "Because you came home early."

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My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for alka-seltzer.

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I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on! I can hear the fruit of the Loom guys giggling.

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At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

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My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

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My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

[Woodys 0]

LOL....gotta luv him!