I Had A Breakdown At Work Today

[Jessica9190 127]

I just had a horrific experience at work. October is breast cancer awareness so today our whole department wore pink. They all wanted to take a picture and I was mortified. I kept saying, "I don't want to." and they kept pushing. Finally, I think one of the girls understood and said, "don't worry about it, we'll do it later" and they all walked off. Maybe she could see the tears in my eyes because when they left I just lost it. Then one girl starts hugging me saying, "Jessica, you're pretty no matter what." I'm sure she means well but that doesn't help.

I'm 5'7" and weigh 245. I have gained so much weight in the last six months (like 65-70 lbs) and I hate myself and the way I look. I feel like everyone is staring at me and thinking I'm such a pig. I try not to eat in front of anyone because I'm always worried they're thinking "why is she eating? she's so fat." I am so tired of battling my weight. I've gained and lost 60-90 pounds several times of the last 8 or 9 years and I'm just miserable.

It hurts so much and I know it's my own fault but it still hurts. I just hate what I've become.

This is the only place I feel people might understand. I called my husband because I got so upset and I told him what happened and he said, "ok, baby." He totally doesn't get it.

I just feel I don't have anyone that understands, but y'all do right?

[cmaloney 151]

Have you had the sleeve or planning to? I totally get where your coming from. We've all been through all the emotions you feel. Before I was sleeved (wish I did it sooner) I would be do upset over my weight gains & the only thing that made me better was eating a whole pizza pie or tons of pasta! It made no sense. I hope you start to feel better & you can rant all you want on here. We all understand!

[twoolley 141]

I think most of us have been there. I had reached a point in my life where we had stopped taking professional portraits around the holidays and my son's birthday because I couldn't stand being the majority of the picture anymore. Every year it just looked worse and worse. I was sleeved on the 10th of this month and my journey is just starting... there is hope for you, for all of us.

In the meantime... take that picture, because one day you can use it to show everyone what you've accomplished. Use these moments to motivate you to move forward with a new you!

[Tealover 46]

I think you have self esteem issues. I am shorter than you and weigh more than you having lost over 60 lbs and I never get like that. WLS does not fix your head I'm afraid x

[joansok 2]

I understand what you are feeling, I have not had my sleeve yet, still working on insurance, appointments, etc. but absolutely hate my pictures also. Just absorb all the information on this web-site, it is great and might help make a decision. Here for you!!!!

[Jessica9190 127]

I think you have self esteem issues. I am shorter than you and weigh more than you having lost over 60 lbs and I never get like that. WLS does not fix your head I'm afraid x

My husband called me back and that's what he said too. Well he said I'm very insecure. He said I'm beautiful and nobody thinks all the things I think they think. You're right WLS won't fix my head. So how so I deal with with feeling so awful about myself?

I'm supposed to have surgery early December.

[Spatters3 315]

How do you fix it? The hard way: live your life being miserable until you're really old and just don't care what anyone thinks of your appearance (this is me). The better way: find a therapist and work with them.

I certainly wouldn't postpone getting sleeved until I was "fixed" though :-)

[IsB 209]

Just think of it as a before picture.

You're going to work hard to make sure you look great for the after pic

[Tealover 46]

Can you get some CBT? You have to learn to love yourself however you look and then learn that people really aren't watching you/talking about you all the time. I'm not saying its easy. My sister is exactly the same as you and I see how it affects her life every day. It worries me that people have surgery and these major issues are not dealt with. You will no doubt lose the weight but you may be disappointed it hasn't changed your life xx

[gmanbat 5,889]

The fat on your body is just a layer of cells like your skin. How the layer of fat got thick is irrelevant. It does not define you any more than your skin color, and your skin color certainly does not define you, Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. taught us that.

The essential you is not fat or skin layers, it is your character, your mind, your spirit. It sounds like you have a great husband who sees that.

You can change the fat layer with your essential you. Be your own friend, give yourself the same breaks that you would anyone else that you love. I believe God loves you, too. And He knows you better than you do.

[Ready 2 Fly 22]

I understand your feelings. I always tried to avoid pictures or I go to the back of the group. Looking at myself in a picture makes me depressed. But when I decided to do this, I printed out a couple of pictures and put them in my journal, cause one day I want to say that's what I used to look like. I am losing slow, but I am still hopeful for that "one day."

[kparker0501 88]

Hi Jessica!! I TOTALLY understand. I am the girl who usually takes the pictures, ha ha .I am 5'4" and I weighed 250 Preop. It totally sucked. I have alienated myself from friends family and going anywhere where I would be "noticed". Yes, I am pretty screwed up in the head with self esteem issues but I think a majority of us have the same dread and fears even if they say they never do.At the very least, there are some emotional issues that made us all overeat to be at an unhealthy weight. I have lost weight in the past on my own and I did feel sooo much better about myself and way more confident so it does fix us to an extent. There is always a sense of insecurity, but that is who I am and I am afraid that won't change. I am only a few weeks out and have lost 20 pounds and I feel better already. Of course I have a long way to go but IF if you have a positive attitude and the support of kind people, you will go far! Keep us posted with your surgery. Blessings to you.

[Katie713 423]

I understand. You've gotten to the point in your life where you are DONE being overweight and out of control, and yes, we each have that defining moment that had led us to the decision to do something proactive to change our course.

• I had years of being embarrased to ask for a regular table and never, ever a booth at a restaurant.
  
• Having to ask for the seat belt extender on an airplane
  
• An unflattering picture shows up and it is humiliating to see yourself as you really are
  
• Being rejected before boarding a theme park ride
  
• Getting out of breath at a public venue
  

Focus on the journey in front of you, and be kind to yourself. Almost everyone of us here understands how it feels to be humiliated by our size and hates being photographed. I was at a retirement event yesterday where a power point presentation was being flashed on a big screeen, pictures over the years of co-workers at various events with the person who is retiring. I saw a picture roll by where I was at my highest weight almost 280 and I'm barely 5 feet tall, I had a beautiful smile on my face, but I have been unhappy with my weight most of my adult life - I was so huge....but then another picture rolled by that was taken last week, and there I was almost 90 pounds lighter, and I looked so different and the smile matched how I felt inside - that I am getting healthier and I can wear things I didn't have to buy at the big girls store.

I had surgery 6 months ago - and it works - it will for you too - just hang in there and think positive. Give yourself a break, this is the end of that road. A new life awaits you....

[Jessica9190 127]

Can you get some CBT? xx

What's CBT?

[Pookeyism 1,143]

Jessica, I am getting ready to walk into a meeting, and I so wish I could respond more, but I know I will forget - work get very hectic!

I do want to say, what you are going through is really difficult, but please be sure you are ready for this surgery. Understand why you are overeating, understand what it has done to you - if anyone here says that being enveloped in fat for years, and the impression society give to you that they have of you has not hurt and created issues that perpetuate the situation, is not being truthful to themselves.

I do not know you personally - I dont know if you rescue kittens or push down old ladies in sales lines, so I cannot speak of a better part of you - I can say that to yourself you must be truthful and just, compassionate and vengeful - you will need it all in this fight.

The process by which we are overweight is a little different in each of us, we all have many of the same variables, but not the same equation. Find your issues, define your wants, strategize and if you are ready, make this happen.

We are here, there is someone always here - but you must do it, every step is on you.

Message me if I can be of assistance.