Help Me Understand ... Why The Stigma?

[amw157 42]

I've only told a select few close friends and family that I had my surgery. There are plenty other friends and family who I have not felt comfortable telling. I may find myself able to tell them someday, or I may not. Some of these friends I consider close friends.

Tonight it struck me .... exactly WHY haven't I told some people?

-- If I had an emergency appendectomy, surely I wouldn't feel embarrassed or vulnerable telling people.

-- If I had an elective surgery like hernia repair, I don't think I'd have a problem telling people about it.

-- If I had my tonsils out, or my son had ear tubes, I would have no problem revealing it.

-- If I had knee replacement surgery ...

-- If I had laser vision correction ...

Are you seeing the pattern here? So I asked myself, why do I feel uncomfortable or vulnerable about telling all my friends and family?

And as of yet ... I don't really know the answer. I'd sure like to know the answer. I have some suspicions, but I'm not certain.

-- Maybe I've bought into some social stigma?

-- Maybe I fear changed attitudes toward me?

-- Maybe I worry about having to defend my choice?

Then again ... these people are friends. Anyone who would criticize me for my choice, isn't someone I'd call a friend in the first place. I listed my friends to myself mentally, I can't think of any of them who would do that.

So I still ask myself ...Why haven't I told some people?

Now I ask you ... why haven't YOU told people?

[hotpotato2b 2]

Excellent question - made me stop in my tracks. I just got my call for surgery for December, and I've been on the fence about telling anyone (sadly, even including people in the local support group - but this is based on the fact that I don't want to disappoint those who have been waiting longer than I).

I guess the thing is that *hopefully* as the weight comes off and people notice, I'll be telling everyone anyhow just so that they know I'm not ill or something. I haven't digested the news yet either - it means my life is going to change and I will not be The Fat Girl anymore - its a lot to handle. But I can do it!

[amw157 42]

I just saw this other thread on the same topic. Sorry for starting a new one on the same topic.

[delta_girl 931]

There are actually several other threads on this same topic besides the one you shared.

[Darkkyss 33]

Don't be sorry! Heck if you just went off of one thread this would be a boring site LOL.........

I think one of the reason I have only told family and 1 best friend is because people judge!.... and do you really want to hear from others how you are taking the "easy way out" or how so and so has gained all there weight back.

Or hear people talk behind your back... It is already hard enough of people talking about how "heavy" you have become!

I also know I am more of a private person, I only have 1 best friend. The others are friends but I don't talk about my personal issues much with them, and I guess I feel this is personal.

[Delena2/11 59]

Here are me two cents...

I have tried everything to lose wt and my family and friends have seen my modest successes and then dismal failures time and time again (wt loss, bigger wt gain...). Perhaps you fear the same thing that I do. Another failure that my loved ones get to witness. I think it is natural to not want to put this out there. It is not like there is much left to try after this step. WLS is it! That is the last rung on the latter.

I feel like I cannot afford to fail this time. I cannot fail because the next step on the latter is off of the roof! I don't want to fall off but at the same time I am not confident enough in my ability to be successful even with this tool. I am hopeful but fearful. Scared but excited... I felt so conflicted about telling but I did tell. Thankfully I found myself surprisingly supported.

I know I will need support and I know that I cannot do this by myself. Plus, As I have been reading all of these posts on "to tell or not to tell" I started thinking that the one way we can de-stigmatize WLS is to talk about it. I wonder if I would have done this earlier if I would have learned about it earlier. The more straight forward we are about wls the better people will understand it. And really, who are we fooling by not telling? It will come out as you start losing wt. Or, by witnessing the change in your eating habits.

For a period of time an alcoholic can hide their disease but we literally carry our disease around with us all of the time. It is not like our loved ones didn't realize we needed to do something about our wt, right? My black outfits do not slim me down that much!

I cannot answer your question, to tell or not to tell, but I believe as I go further down my own pre-op path that we can help others in our situation by sharing our stories. We can hopefully teach others that don't have wt issues that we are NOT lazy. It is not as easy as "just not eating crap all the time."

We have a disease and we are doing all we know how to do to treat it. Sure, I could go it on my own again. Take off 20lbs and put on another 30lbs. As I get older I realize that I am wasting my life with this pattern. I have given the first 40 years of my life to this disease and I have failed treating it myself. I'm not giving it another 40 years.

Best of luck as you find the path best for you! Dee

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I think it has everything to do with the fact that so many people believe you can lose 100 pounds and keep it off permanently if you just eat less and exercise more. Of course, most people here understand that there is more to it than that.

[Skittle 26]

At first I wasn't going to tell anyone but my immediate family, but decided I needed to tell those I work with for a couple reasons. 1: I work with all women. I'd rather be the one telling than to be a topic of gossip. 2: if something were to happen and I got hurt where I couldn't talk... Others that aren't in my family need to be able to say.. She just had this surgery etc. and last: who cares what others think! If they can't accept my decision to better my health with a little help then they don't deserve my friendship (which so far everyone has been positive and supportive).

I know ppl talk.. But if its a secret, they sometimes tend to talk more often and negatively.

Embrace this, love it before and after the surgery!

[shrinkydinkme 221]

Stigma - you have touched on a different topic then the usual "to tell or not to tell" so I am going to be honest even though it is UGLY! ( Not asking for those of you on here to tell me my feelings are wrong and I should change them, they are what they are and I am admitting up front with UGLY I know they are, but feeling have a mind of their own- they are not facts or chosen beliefs that we control)

#1 I am EMBARRASSED I felt I needed to and decided to "not do it the right way" and I am taking the "easy way out".

#2 I have judged others for years and wondered why they would have WLS and take that giant risk when they could have just changed the way they ate and exercised more.

#3 I do not feel like people understand the difference between the different types of WLS and when I say I had the sleeve even with an explanation of what it is, they just lump me in the WLS category with everyone else and I feel I am so different and made an informed decision and was unwilling for years to get the bypass because of the complications. I do not want to be considered "One of them" ( see UGLY judgement on my part once again)

#4 FEAR! So many I know who had WLS have gained it all back and I it breaks my heart and I feel so bad for them and can only imagine how difficult it must be. To have taken such a big risk and failed. I fear that will be me and if others do not know I had surgery it will just be another in my long list of diet fails - some how that I know I can handle,but a WLS fail seems bigger and I would feel much more judged/disapproval so I would rather they did not know.

#5 I have way to many friends who would be watching me, asking questions wanting explanations of why and how come and asking me to help friends and adding a lot of to-do's to my daily life -when I am taking time to establish a new healthy lifestyle and do not need the stress or burden that would bring. So if they do not know about my surgery, I do not need to be bothered to help, inform, explain or whatever would arise by their inquisitive minds

#6 I am loosing about 1 1/2-2 pounds a week which is so normal there is no need to give details. It is the easy way out by not telling them. Except for the tiny bit of guilt when they are all excited and proud of me and just can not believe my will power and ability to eat such a small portion and move on. That tiny bit of guilt ..... for now I can live with.

[DeterminedGirl 53]

I'm not sure I have an answer here, but two things strike me. One, I've promised myself a million times I'd lose the weight and keep it off...and, I was always going to start tomorrow or Monday or after the holidays or whatever. The FIRST person I need to trust with this surgery is me. I need to build a track record of confidence and integrity with myself. Until then, not telling protects this fragile beginning of trust I have with myself. Two, once you tell, you can't un-ring the bell. It's out there.

The whole decision with me isn't either-or, it's today. Will I tell today? Um, no. Tomorrow? Maybe.

[steelergirl 135]

I am really confused..I have told everyone..and seems like I can't wait to tell people I know..its almost like a statement ..I'm exited and have no shame..I have over come so much in my life and I help people change everyday..I never thought once that people judged me and thought anything bad..until I read this ..LOL..maybe they are...who knows..I don't care..no one walked in my shoes ..I have a great heart and a great spirit and a love for people..I never cared who judged me because if you can't appreciate me for me ..I never internalized that as a reflection of who I am..just a reflection of what issue the other person may have. I never been ashamed big..and I'm damn sure not gonna be ashamed to take the step to be fit!..its not one life but yours..its your world girl..they are either in it or their not..but your chapter is still yours to write and the ending is up to you..but be proud of your choices..even if you fail ..its your book and so what is your plot was trials and failures..it doesn't change who you are as long as you stay true to you

[Cookeeeeez 269]

All of the above + the low self-confidence that comes from years of snide comments about the weight! For years we've AVOIDED conversations about our weight, and the judgments and advice (good or bad) that comes with it. Now it's weird to have it become a really central issue in our lives, major surgery, drastic weightloss and changes in eating habits. I'm not ashamed at all, I haven't bought into "the stigma" but I still get very defensive about my past and current struggles with my eating habits. The surgery convo ultimately brings up other things I'm less comfortable talking about...

Don't worry about other topics on the same, I have commented on this in the past and have a little more insight at the time of posting in this thread thanks for the brain food

[amw157 42]

shrinkydinkme ... your reply was painfully honest, and really made me realize a few things about myself

#1 I am EMBARRASSED I felt I needed to and decided to "not do it the right way" and I am taking the "easy way out".

You know? Despite knowing all the great things about this surgery and all the great things that lie ahead for me, I DO somewhat feel like I am taking the easy way out sometimes. And why do I feel that way? Well, you have uncovered something else for me....

#2 I have judged others for years and wondered why they would have WLS and take that giant risk when they could have just changed the way they ate and exercised more.

Just now, I had to admit to myself (and now to you), that I too have judged others. On the rare case that I wasn't the biggest guy in the room, I was judgemental, even if I never spoke it. That took tremendous courage for you to admit, and I thank you. I have a suspicion now that that is part of the reason I haven't told everyone.

#3 ... when I say I had the sleeve even with an explanation of what it is, they just lump me in the WLS category with everyone else ... I do not want to be considered "One of them" ( see UGLY judgement on my part once again)

And again, you've forced me to admit to myself that I carry this judgement too. Wow. What do you charge per hour for psychoanalysis?

[amw157 42]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Now for the next question:

Now that I'm starting to wonder what's so bad about telling people ... how do I tell people whom I've not told yet? I'm talking about people who, for the last six weeks, think that I've just adopted really good eating habits (finally). The white lie is out there ... how do I correct it? That may take more courage than just outright telling them in the first place.

[steelergirl 135]

" Ok everyone I'm letting you in on my secret..I made a vow not to tell anyone until after 2 months to be a surprise or to.see how my body took to it ..njbut I hnad wls and I couldn't wait to tell everyone!..time next year were gonna have a new me.party!

Or.you could throw.in there ....doubts and negative feedback is unhealthy so you wanted to wait until.u were done healing and everything.....to be honest..you have nothing o be.ashamed about!..