Divorce

[MarySue33 0]

I've got a hunch that the judge will probably eventually ask the daughter who she wants to live with and that person will get the house. At her age, it is not uncommon for the court to take their feelings into heavy consideration.

I'm not sure that your (very smart, btw!) solution would work with these two, though, as he doesn't seem to have respect for her or for any boundaries. Maybe down the road when some of the emotional scars have healed, but I suspect they need to live apart for a while just to allow her to become a little more empowered and for him to realize that he is not in control of everything.

I have had two friends who have tried something rather unique and it works for them -- the kids stay in the house full time and mom and dad 'rotate' out of the house on alternate weeks. I doubt it would work for me, as I would not want to be on the move every other week, but I guess if you think of it like being away on business travel, it is workable -- just expensive.

I like your idea, though...and it sounds like a great one...as long as you have two mature adults involved. I can see it working really well in certain situations. Kudos to you guys for having the maturity to pull it off!

Just because the two of you cannot be married doesn't mean the kids have to suffer. Way to go!

[MarySue33 0]

...*HUGS* and good luck...remember the kids, they aren't fools! Be honest and never bad mouth their father. They will love you more for it later!

Truer words have never been spoken!

[Butterfly07 0]

11/24 12:30pm

Thanks guys, as usual you make me feel better. I've left a message on my attorney's voicemail asking about what can be done, because I think you are right about things continuing to detoriate.

I've also forwarded all his e-mails to her for future use.

I just can't believe the depths this guy will sink to. Someone told me today that in AZ courts think that the cost involved in his trip (gas, etc) should NOT have come out of the joint account, as the trip was his choice, not a necessity. I've asked my attorney about that as well as my SUV uses quite a lot of gas to go to another state and back.

I really, really appreciate you guys! Please keep up the support/suggestions.

[Butterfly07 0]

11/26 9am

Well, actually this weekend turned out to be a pretty good one for me. I spent more than my share of time crying and being lonely (missing the kids something firece), but also spending some time with friends, thinking, sleeping & relaxing. Feeling rested and non-stressed has been a blessing and hopefully gotten my head on straight and I've stored up some energy for the stress/battles that are sure to be ahead.

After the toilet paper incident, I had a moment of clarity and realized that after the computer spying & TP gate (lol) I'm sooooo done. Any lingering microscopic doubts I had are now OVER! I kept receiving hostile e-mails from him, and I sent a reply yesterday morning saying that anything more he has to say to me needs to be done through the attorneys. He replied back "that figures". Not sure what the heck that means, but I didn't respond.

Now that the day has come for their return, I'm looking forward to seeing the kids (even though my son will only be home long enough to pick up his clean laundry and take off back to college), but confess my stress level is inching back up knowing that he'll be back in the house.

While we were trying to work things out I had moved back into the master bedroom, and spent this weekend moving back all of my things that he had moved out of it, but am hesistant to move back into my son's room again, but not sure what to do. Advice/suggestions?

I'll post again either tonight (I expect them home around dinnertime) or sometime tomorrow. I'm also dreading going back to work as things stink there for me right now as well.

As always, thanks guys!

[CCBSTX 0]

Sorry, the 2nd try isn't going well...I'd just move to another bedroom and save the drama. If you choose to stay in the master, then he is going to put up a stink. Take care, Shawn

[TruBlueSue 0]

You know what - let him put up a stink about the master bedroom - if I were you, I'd put a lock on the damn door and set myself up in there like the Queen of Sheba! Sorry, I couldn't 'lurk' without giving you my support, as well - I have been in your shoes, and while things look bleak now, things will turn out for the best in the end! Keep your chin up!

[barbara465 2]

I'd stay in the master. Let him go to the other bedroom or better yet a hotel. He is trying to get to you. Don't let him. He wants to be in control and he wants all the sympathy from everyone. He will be buoyed up by his weekend away and ready to do battle. Just don't give in. He really needs to leave until things are settled. You need temporary support. I would give him $3 worth of TP which is his fourth. He is being for imature. Hang in there. I'm afraid it is going to get worse before it gets better.

[MarySue33 0]

Ok, here's the deal...who cares where he sleeps and who cares where YOU sleep. Just make sure it's not in the same bed unless that's what YOU want!! I'm getting the feeling it isn't so WHO cares who gets the master room?? If it means less drama for you then go to the other room, his time is limited anyways...it's the house your after not the title of the room. Yes, in his mind for a SHORT time he may feel he's winning the battle but again you’re looking long term here. <st1:city>lace>Mission</st1:city>:place> is less drama, play nice but STILL get what you want. I know this because; I <st1>:personname>too</st1>:personname> gave up the master. It was easier for me to be put out for a short time than dealing with the drama until he left. (Remember your daughter) As long as you don't leave the house WHO cares where you sleep!! It's also another "example of you trying to play nice in the courts!" YES they look at that! Remember it's all about the kids! Hold your ground were it counts!! No leaving the house and think past your heart into the future of what's right for you and you daughter...think long term...that's where most folks mess up...They get to a point they just want it over. THINK LONG TERM!

Again...I agree with Margaret. What really matters is that you get him out of that house. Period. I slept on the sofa for the final nine months of my marriage. It was not the most comfortable, but it caused less drama and I got more sleep than I would have in the same bed as him.

Definitely, think long term. Keep in mind that everything you do from this point forward will impact you and your kids for years to come. As hard as it is -- especially with a control freak for a husband -- take the emotion out of it. Decisions from this point forward need to be based on practicalities, logistics and your family's future (by family, I mean you and your kids) and NOT either as a reaction to his behavior or to get to him. It's not worth it. The best revenge (for lack of a better word) will be the fact that you will be living a peaceful and happy life without him. I know it is easy to get sucked into his little games, but just don't do it.

Barbara is right. He will be cocky and riding high after the pity party he probably had all weekend with the relatives -- and every one of them giving advice to him and egging him on. Be ready...be strong...and keep in mind that after all these years of marriage, he knows EXACTLY which buttons to push to get you worked up...so beat him at his own game and don't react. Take a walk, read a book, go for a drive or put on headphones and listen to soothing music in the bathtub. Do whatever it takes to add peace to your home and to reduce the drama -- for your daughter's sake...and for your own sanity.

Hang in there...it will get worse before it gets better...but there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugs...

[Red wine lover 0]

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again.

I've been trying to get my wife to see the above point of view. It's emotionally draining to know that once I get my surgery and start losing weight, we can have sex again. I won't have changed inside, I still desire her but I need her now, not 20 or 40 or . . . . pounds down the road.

Good luck with your divorce. The pain and sorrow will pass. God has a reason for everything!

Bill

[Butterfly07 0]

11/27/06 4pm

Well, thankfully they made it home in one piece last night about 9:30 ish. My som wasn't home long before his father drove him back to college - he had an early class this morning - but we did make plans for me & my daughter to go and see him this saturday for his birthday. Both kids said right away that they missed me and I got big hugs so that made me feel really good.

He has ignored me, which is great, I prefer it that way. I didn't sleep well, but there were no fireworks and we did sleep in the same bed (thank goodness it's a king sized one). We just avoided each other while getting ready for work this morning so hopefully this will continue (a girl can dream).

I confess my stress level is again pretty high though, and am just waiting for the next "event" in this on going saga of "As the stomach churns"...lol

I'll keep you all posted & my guard up. Off for a quick nap & kickboxing tonight.

[PamRN 0]

You haven't posted in a few days, I'm hoping everything is going ok and you're doing well. << hugs >> for strength through this awful time.

[Butterfly07 0]

Update 12-1 10pm

I haven't posted because I've been crazy busy at work and trying to deal with the few days of quiet before the storm I knew was coming, and has sort of arrived.

After they came back at 9:30pm thanksgiving night I spoke to my son a few minutes and then he was back to the dorm. Work actually was good this week.

The nasty e-mails & behavior re-started on tuesday I think and I just tried ignoring him. Today, since I work at my daughter's school, I got a call from one of her teachers telling me that for the second time lately she had left class without permisison and while the teacher wasn't going to report it, she wanted me to know. I had noticed that her grades were slipping a bit these last few weeks as well, so I pulled her from class and we chatted.

I then (like a fool) tried to do the right thing and called him to tell him what had happended and what she and I had discussed. He then said something about not allowing her to go to a concert he had bought tickets for her birthday if her behavior kept up, and when I asked what day the concert was and what time they would be leaving and returning, I got blasted with a tirade about how he didn't ask me those things and I was accusing him of being a bad father (was not), and he could take her wherever & whenever he wanted & didn't have to report to me about it. I hung up as I didn't feel I needed to deal with that garbage & was at work.

Later he e-mailed me that there is no law or parenting plan in place yet that required him to tell me anything about our daughter's whereabouts except that she was with him. His e-mail alternate between nasty & nice.

Also, tonight I took her for her annual check up at the doctors, then home & she and I had dinner together. I then got on the phone with a girlfriend and got ready to go for my daily workout at the gym. When I came downstairs he had taken my car AGAIN, with no word to our daughter except that he was going out and would be back later.

Oh, one of the nasty e-mails he sent me the other day said I'd need to find another place to live by Dec 15th - no idea where in his arse he pulled that date from, and that he'd bring home boxes for me to pack. I did reply that there is no date for me to move out, I won't be doing that until the divorce is final and I have money & a place to go and not a second before.

Unfortunately, I think it'll be into 2007 now, with the holidays I understand no dates are getting set before the new year (ugh!)

So, that's been my week. I am spending tomorrow (sat) with my son and daughter as it's his 18th b-day, then having dinner with an old girlfriend I ran into earlier this week, and on sunday I'm helping a friend who'se also getting divorced move into her new house.

Weekends are tough so I try to spend time with my daughter at least most of one day and then be gone most of the other.

Please feel free to bolster me up here. It's so hard to see my new life looming but yet be so stalled in the journey (courts, wheels of justice turn so slowly!).

Thanks for caring all. Let me know your thoughs.

[Butterfly07 0]

PS - I moved back into my son's bedroom, sleeping in the same bed was creeping me out!

[green 6]

What do you kids think of all of this?

[Butterfly07 0]

They don't say too much. My son says he understands logically & he remembers a great deal of the past issues, but emotionally he is hurting. He is much like me, in fact we often joke that we think & feel so much alike that he is my "mini-me".

My daughter says something to the effect of "it's about time" and "I think you guys are crazy" but she too is having a bit of a hard time.

I think that us trying to work it out, even though it was short-lived helped them a bit to adjust to the idea.

I just keep in close contact with them both, continue to reinforce that this is between their father and I and they'll always have two parents who love them very much and that part will never change.

I think they'll be better over time, as long as they realize that their parents are the same, just not married anymore. I'm hoping their ages help that.