Divorce

[barbara465 2]

The fact that he told you he found this thread clearly sends his message. He wants the control, needs the control, and demands the control. Why? Because he has to be right, he has to be the one wronged. He wants to look good in everyone's eyes so that they can't get close enough to see his flaws.

 

Let him go to his reunion. Stay home and regroup. It won't be pleasant and he will only cause you grief at this point.

 

If he really wanted to know what makes you tick, he would have read the posts but not said anything. He would have internalized the posts and learned something from them. He didn't. He just lashed out. Unfortunately, I don't think this will get better.

 

Don't worry what he says to the children. You raised them. Deep down they know what you are about. Don't try to justify yourself to them. Just be yourself and they will slowly return and know what's going on. It might get rough for a while, but now look after yourself. You can't be there for your children if you are beaten down and have no energy.

 

My thoughts are with you. Take care of YOU.

[LadyK 0]

Wonderkidsmom,

Wow!!! Regarding the psychic. Hang in there girl. It will be, what God means for it to be. Be safe and have a happy Thanksgiving holiday.

[Kat817 19]

So what he found this...everything you have said here, has been said out of concern for how this is likely to affect your children. Let him print it out for holiday reading time....it will show your kids that they were your first concern. It will also show his family that they too played a part in the things of the past. It will show everyone who reads it, a woman who has been awake nights worrying about money while he does as usual, a woman who is stressed both at work and home, and doing her best. It will show a woman who has talked with friends about how to protect herself. No one here advised to you to do anything illegal, or unethical. Everyone reiterated to tell your kids daily that this is not their fault and that you love them...so I see no issues with what the insecure man found. That kind of control is a predessessor to physical abuse many times. It is past time for one of you to make a move. I know you want to stay in the house, but if that is not acceptable to him, let him toss his daughter out...because she would be going with you. If he values his own comfort and stability above that of his daughter---not only is he a poor excuse for a husband, but also a father.

I know you were "iffy" about the reconcilliation from the get go---but at least you were willing to be fair and try it. As for withholding information until after the holidays...big damn deal. Why try starting over with fighting in front of the kids and family....that in itself, keeping papers on hold, is a non issue. If viewed even from a financial point...it is minor in the overall scheme of things. His spying on you is not minor---that is psychotic behaviour! What else does he do? Watch you when you go to your classes? Spy on the DD to see if she knows something she is not telling? His insecurites are frightening!

Hang in there, it is highly likely his own attorney would have advised the same hold on papers... he knew he was pushing you into yet another corner, and is unhappy that you will not stay there, and be punished like the disobedient child he is seeing you as. You are strong---stronger than he is, as you can see yourself moving on without the foundation you have always had.

The best defense is a good offense...file your papers, and get things back under way, and if your kids ask, give them this link...all they will see is a Mom who was literally worried sick over them, and tired of being put down by the person who is supposed to be there to lift her up...her husband.

You tried---you did not mess this attempt up...he did.

(((Big hugs))) hang in there---you deserve better!

Kat

[KariK 0]

I've been reading and following this thread for quite awhile now and I think he is just grasping for straws trying to make you feel guilty for reaching out for emotional support. I think this thread is testement to the emotional turmoil / torture he is putting you through. He's just mad that you have such a good support system of educated and informed and caring girlfriends to talk to. Stop being ashamed of anything you do when you are just trying to do the best you can for your children and for your own emotional health and well being. Don't let him shame you for one more second. Find your inner strenth and peace and be strong in who you are and what you believe to be right and best for your kids. You will be ok, be brave, hang in there! Lean on your attorney to help you to navigate through the legal mumbo jumbo. Learn your rights and demand them to be respected.

[Butterfly07 0]

Thank you, thank you, thank you all!!!

I couldn't begin to express how grateful I am for all this support. Humbly ask youall to keep it up.

Happy thanksgiving everyone.

[Butterfly07 0]

All alone now for the next 4 days, they even took the dog with them. I have no one to spend the next 4 days with.

I am very sad and lonely.

[tonya66 13]

All alone now for the next 4 days, they even took the dog with them. I have no one to spend the next 4 days with.

I am very sad and lonely.

I'm so sorry your lonely, but remember, you have us.

Hang in there, you'll get thru this.

[Kat817 19]

Find yourself a good book, run yourself that bubble bath in the big tub...just breath deep, and relax. It is something you have not been able to do in awhile. Keep in mind the entire time, you may be being watched. A man who snoops in your computer, is a man capable of hiding a "nanny-cam".

Decide what you feel like eating, and just work on spoiling you, and recouping. The stress will return when he does, and he may have his dander up, thanks to his family...so rest up so that you can take the high road when he flies off the handle.

It takes a little bit to get used to the abandoned and lonely feeling, but you do get to where you enjoy the freedom, the ease of doing what YOU want when YOU want.

The 4 days will go by quickly. Get lots of rest. Make your DD's favorite dinner to come home to. I know we should make new habits, rather than food things, but for her do it! And renew your resolve not to fight with him. Just hang in there---I'll be thinking of you!

Kat

[Carlene 12]

All alone now for the next 4 days, they even took the dog with them. I have no one to spend the next 4 days with.

 

I am very sad and lonely.

 

Come to my house. You can help me cook TG dinner for 21 people. I promise you won't be lonely.

PS...There will be 3 dogs here, too.

[barbara465 2]

Just enjoy the 4 days. Think of it as a wonderful R&R weekend. After all you have been through this is just a perfect time to recharge your batteries. The reality is that if you had gone you would be under so much stress and ridicule that it would have been awful. Learn to enjoy the alone time. It can be very healing. Don't be sad. This is the beginning of a new life. Embrace it. You should enjoy this time. Remember not all families are having Halmark moments today. There are many who wish they were alone instead of being with those that bring them down.

 

We are here for you. You can use this time to recharge and recomit to yourself, or you can choose to be sad and lonely. I know you will make the right choice. Have a great restful 4 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Butterfly07 0]

Update 11/23 6pm

Well, I'm still here and doing ok.

I cried off and on last night after they left. He allowed me about an hour and 1/2 with the kids and we had a nice time visiting together. I was happy to see my son doing well, he seemed much more like himself than he has in a while. We even spoke a tiny bit about my apartment when I move out.

I did cry when we hugged goodbye, which made him cry and he said if he didn't have so much stress from college and need to get away that he would stay home with me. I told him to go and have a great time and not to worry about me, that I'd be fine. He texted me when they arrived last night to tell me they got there safely.

Today is my daughter's birthday and I called and sang her a very off key happy birthday and spoke for a while to her and my son. That always makes me feel better.

One of my friends from college whom I haven't seen in a few months called this morning to wish me a happy thanksgiving and as soon as she discovered that I was all alone, she made me get dressed and she and her son came over and made me go and spend a few hours with her mother who just lives down the street. I've known them since 1983 and hadn't seen them in qute a while so that was nice.

I declined eating with them, they were going to another nearby relative's house but those people I didn't know and I didn't feel much like doing that, not enough of my usual energy. Usually something like that isn't a problem for me as I am very outgoing, but not now.

I've also received several call today from friends and co-workers checking on me which makes me feel loved and a bit less alone.

So far I've alternated crying, sleeping, reading and just hanging out. I mostly feel ok, but the nights are harder for some reason. I wish my gym was open, but am considering going to the cemetery to visit my mother tomorrow and then walking in the park for some exercise.

Am also thinking of going back out to a few of the apartments I have liked when I checked them out earlier and look again and check their availability for december/january when hopefully things will be final and I can move on with my new life.

I may even brave the mall tomorrow night (hopefully those early shoppers will be gone by then) there's something I bought that I have to return at a department store there, and it'll get me out among the living for a while.

I don't mind being by myself, I really like it, it's just missing my kids, missing my daughter's birthday and the forced isolation of this holiday where people are with their families and so many places are closed that are getting me all at once.

Again, thanks to all of you for helping keep my spirit alive, and please don't think me greedy to ask all of you to keep it up.

I just realized that I haven't eaten all day so will go do that.

[Butterfly07 0]

Another Update 11/24 10am

Well, this one may take the cake. I checked my e-mail this morning and apparently he's taken the time out of his busy vacation to check up on me and be nasty yet again.

Yesterday I discovered that there was only 1/2 a roll of toilet paper left in the ENTIRE house. Since there are 3 people and 3 bathrooms, I decided to go ahead and buy 36 rolls of toilet paper at the grocery store, which was on sale for $14. Since it was for everyone, I used the joint account.

This morning I found a nasty e-mail from him telling me there is now $4 left in that account and that I shouldn't expect him to cover my "not understanding" that I shouldn't use that money and any bounced checks. I responded that I bought only toilet paper for the house and got a reply saying"$14 for toilet paper? Use your own money"

What do you think of that?

[NINNYED 0]

Another Update 11/24 10am

This morning I found a nasty e-mail from him telling me there is now $4 left in that account and that I shouldn't expect him to cover my "not understanding" that I shouldn't use that money and any bounced checks. I responded that I bought only toilet paper for the house and got a reply saying"$14 for toilet paper? Use your own money"

What do you think of that?

Lock up the toilet paper for you and the kids to use and put newspaper in the bathroom for HIM to use!

I have kept kinda quiet in here but have been following what is going on with you... I will keep you in my prayers!

[KariK 0]

Do you have joint credit cards? Use them to buy household items. I don't think he can cancel them without your consent. Any body have any information on this?? Im not sure but its worth checking into. If I were you Id stop caring what he says or thinks about money etc. He only has as much power as you give him. If he has the ability to stop you from having money for necessities like toilet paper, take some of his treasures (like guns, sport eqipment, jewelry, etc.) and cash them in at a pawn shop. Then keep the receipts to show that you used the money to buy such frivelous things like toilet paper. What an Ahole!! Hang in there, keep tuff.

[MarySue33 0]

You already know what I think, but I will reiterate it here. One of you needs to get out of the house and he needs to start paying temporary child support and possibly maintenance/alimony until things are final. If not, this is going to turn into "The War of the Roses" if you let it. I would not respond to his emails -- it just gives him a little bit more control. I know that you don't want to disrupt things for your daughter, but whether you realize it or not, every day that the two of you live like this just adds chaos to her life. I am always amazed at how much people don't think their kids know -- especially at the age that your daughter is. She knows what is going on. You may think that the two of you are handling this in a way that is hiding it from her, but she knows far more about what is going on between the two of you than you ever can realize. Trust me...she knows. Goodness...my daughter knew that my ex was having an affair a year before I knew. I found out a year after I divorced him -- that's when it finally came out. I didn't think she knew everything that was going on -- boy was I surprised.

I have seen it happen time and time again with friends who 'think' they are shielding their kids from the upheavals of marital problems. I have yet to see any of them that were actually able to pull it off. This is not a healthy environment for her or for you and as long as the two of you are under the same roof, things will not change. I know that you think that all of this will be final in a few months, but based on the information you have shared about his controlling and manipulative nature, you may be looking at a long road ahead -- especially if you do not force his hand. Right now he is still controlling things and he will continue to do so until you show him that you mean business -- that you get court ordered support and that you (yes...here I go again) GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE. My kids and I were hardly in imminent danger when I went to court to get the financial arrangements squared away and got possession of the house, but it was an almost automatic first step according to my attorney.

He is sucking you in way too much emotionally through all of this. Don't let him have that control. He lives for those reactions that he knows he will get from you, as that validates the fact that this very insecure man has power over you. The only way that he can keep this power is if you continue to allow it to happen.

I think I shared this early on...but keep in mind the words of wisdom that I got from my attorney when I got my divorce. From this point forward, it is practical and financial...NOT emotional. You're letting him get to you emotionally. As long as you do, things will never change. One more time (said the broken record) ...he needs to go...and soon.

Hugs,

MarySue