Divorce

[Evathenurse 0]

Hello Wonderkidsmom. Let me start off by giving you words of encouragement. Life is full of bumps and bruises, but the joy comes when your bumps are smooth and you bruises have vanished. Be strong for yourself in doing that you build up your kids. God has smiled on you you are blessed....... after all you have your health and beautiful, health children... you are indeed Wonderkidsmom, and Wonderwomen.

[gentlespirit 1]

I think Barbara gave you some great advice...let him show you over time whether he's really changed. I think putting the divorce on hold rather than dropping it is an excellent idea. Otherwise if things don't work out, you'll have to start from scratch. If it's on hold, you can start where you left off, if need be. And make him earn your trust again if you decide to try...he's broken it and needs to show that he can be trusted again. It will take a lot of time, and he needs to know upfront that it won't be a one-shot deal...he'll have to truly change or he won't be able to keep it up over time.

You have my prayers as you make this difficult decision.

Emily

[tonya66 13]

(11/9/06 7pm)

I'm entertaining the idea, as 25 years together...makes me think I have to be able to say 100% that I gave it my all.. not sure that's true but also not sure my heart's in it now...The big fight we already had is he wants me to dismiss the divorce and I want it to be on hold (lawyer's advice) for a couple of months.

I had to put my two cents in....about 10 years ago, my husband & I went thru the same thing and filed for divorce, after 3 or 4 months he wanted to work it out. It took a long time, we attened marriage counseling. We actually "started over", even dated, today he is a changed man, and I guess I'm a changed woman. We get along better than ever, and our marriage is the best it has ever been, we've now been married for 20 years and he truly is the love of my life.

My advice is, if you have any hope that it "could" work, i think you should try, but that decision is all up to you. You know what you have been thru. I just wanted to say that I know that people can change. Divorce is hard, but being married to someone without the love & affection there is hard too. I hope you are taking care of yourself, you deserve to be happy & healthy, so please take care of you.

hugs......

[Butterfly07 0]

Thanks to everyone for the continued support and encouragement. Sharing your personal stories also helps a lot - makes me know I'm not so alone in this experience.

In another weak moment I agreed to drop the divorce & did tell my lawyer (maybe someone should perform a lobotomy on me so I can't make some decisions). I did tell him that from my perspective he is being manipulative and that this was the LAST time he would back me into a corner.

I told him he backed me into a corner to file for divorce when he called the kids & e-mailed everyone that I had already done so, then again when I simply agreed to try again he called the kids & his family right away.

I'm trying to look at it like it's either the best money spent or one of the more costly lessons in my life. I've put my foot down about keeping bank accounts separate, he MUST get individual counseling (me too) as well as the couples. We also sat down and wrote down the things we thought were wrong with the relationship and the things we were looking for in one. I tried very hard to say "this is what I want" instead of "this is what you do wrong".

Also, I'm thinking that the kids will know we gave it one more try if it doesn't work, and if it does work, then it was a good thing.

On top of everything else after kickboxing Tuesday night I developed a SEVERE tremor in my right hand, so bad that night I couldn't type or write. The next day it got worse, and the nurse at work made me go to my doctor right away. The doctor thinks I damaged a nerve somehow and gave me some anti-inflammatory meds and a referral to a neurologist for a nerve test, and no kickboxing for 2 weeks.

It's minor now, but much better. Now lots of pain/cramping from so many hours of twitching. I slept 3 hrs last night and ate a bit today and kept it all down, which was a nice change of pace.

Tonight he took our daughter to a hockey game so I have the house to myself. Plan a long hot bath and early to bed (with a benadryl to help sleep).

The doctor also put me on anti-depressants, so hopefuly that can level me off too.

Ok, I'm ready, feedback, advice? You are all so good at showing me a new way to look at things or affirm my thoughts, even provoke me to think, so any and all input is welcome.

[barbara465 2]

Remember, the children grow up and you are alone with him. You must want to do this for you, not for the children. Your one son is in college and your daughter doesn't have many more years before she will also be out of the house. Do this for YOU, not for the children.

It is never a mistake to try and make things work. It is a mistake to do the same things over and over in hopes that it lead to a different result. It sounds like you are making some positive steps and taking inventory. Counseling should help with all of this and allow you to work through the issues.

Dropping the divorce would not have been my first move. I know that the threat of it over someone's head is like "I don't believe this will really work". I guess to some it's like a prenup agreenment. However, I don't think prenups should be viewed that way either. Its done now so you need to let it go. If it turns out that you need to divorce, you will just go through the process again and chalk it up to one of life's expensive lessons.

I do worry with his "manipulative" ways. At least that is my interrputation of what you say. His contacting everyone that you are back is an example. That was not for him to do. What was his motive in doing that? Do you think it was from relief or "I got her to come back" type of action. Did he want to make himself look good, while making you look bad? I would start looking at his motives and what makes him react as he does.

Although all of us on here have opinions, the ones in this are you and your DH. You are the only one who can make the choices necessary. We are here for you. Take what we say, but do what your heart tells you to do.

I gave my first husband a second chance. I really tried, but knew right away that it was a mistake. We were together another 3 years before we parted ways. I can say that I gave it my all, but the relationship was not meant to be. I laid down the terms and conditions of my return. When he dishonered that, the choice was easy to make. The next time I left it was without any doubts or what ifs.

You need to take care of you above all else. Please take time to pamper yourself and get your energy back. Once that is done you will be in a better position to tackle the issues at hand.

[green 6]

What is sauce for the goose is not necessarily sauce for the gander when it comes to us human beings. You are doing the right thing by giving your marriage a second shot and maybe this will work out. It has for many of us. It is, however, important for you to understand that this may not necessarily work out for you and if it doesn't you should in no way feel that you are at fault or that you have failed. I would not like to see you beating yourself up.

I think that you are very brave and that you are doing a fine thing for your family by choosing to give your marriage a second chance. I think that you need to rest and I am pleased that you are now on antidepressants. I myself am on antidepressants by the way. It has been my experience that depression can seriously damage one's ability to function, even to sleep, and to view one's situation with clarity and a degree of emotional detachment. In brief, the antidepressants will help you get the break from this situation that you need. The medication will assist you to quit your own internal physical and psychological downward spin.

Counselling, joint and individual, will also help both you and your husband figure things out. Perhaps you will decide that your relationship is valuable and worth saving, perhaps it will assist you to see that the relationship is unsalvageable. Who knows? What is certain is that you will be able to do this when you are healthy and in good shape.

As always, I send all my best hopes and wishes to you.

[MarySue33 0]

I have to reiterate Barbara's advice -- especially about the fact that in a few years the kids will both be grown and it will be just the two of you left to grow old together. Make sure that is how you want to spend your 'golden years'.

I think right now you need to remember that you are in the driver's seat. If he wants to come back and to give it another try, it needs to be on your terms. If I were in your shoes, one of the 'terms' that I would require would be that your marriage and the work you are doing on it NOT be subject to a committee review -- and that if it is going to be successful the ups and downs of the next several months need to be betwen the two of you and not subject to family review. Otherwise, it will never work.

While he says he can change, keep in mind that change takes time and that his true colors will surface over time. If the change is real, it will endure; if not, you will see it over time.

Should the day come that the two of you DO decide to part ways for good, next time if I were you I would insist that the two of you live apart during the process. These past few months have taken a tremendous emotional toll on you. Divorce is hard enough without all of the extra drama that you had to endure.

Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you and for your children. Sometimes, what is best for your children is not staying together, but letting them be part of two separate, but happy loving families instead of ONE that is 'broken' with everyone living under the same roof.

God bless you...you're in our prayers.

[Butterfly07 0]

I am overwhelmed & humbled by everyone's continued support and very valuable advice. I do take it to heart.

My plan for the next week is to try and get through at work, get rest and re-energize myself so I can "deal" with my life. I have been running on fumes too long.

I really appreciate everyone's prayers as well, I'll take all the help I can get.

Wishing you all a very happy thanksgiving, and I'm thankful for all of you. Please continue to indulge me and hold my hand therough this process, I've a feelingit's a long journey not hardly begun yet.

I couldn't do this without you and my firends.

ps - so far things are ok some times than fighting the next...more later on that.

[patty103 0]

If he can change why hasn't he did it already, from what you have told us I don't know why you would want to endure anymore of that abuse, he sounds like all the other men I know sound when they are losing control, mind you I have been down this road so I know what you are going through and how you feel. but just remember we are here to help you and I don't want you sucked into being abused anymore than you have been.

there is a better life waiting on you but you have to be through with this one first, and the fact that you would even consider taking him back or the fact that you listen to him is a sign that maybe you are not through with him. It is a decision that only you can make, and you have to live with it either way, I don't envy you. I don't mean to sound so hard hearted it took me a few years to get that way from my own situation 25 years ago. since then he has did 4 other wives the same way or worse than me, only because we let him. That is the only way this man or anybody else can hurt you is if you let them, enough said, try to look at this as if it was your best friend going through this or your daughter going through this what you tell her to do??? would you want her to be treated this way, is this the example you want her to see, if so then go for it, either way we are still here for you....

[patty103 0]

P.S, after reading the above post I do agree with barbara,

[Butterfly07 0]

11/20/06 (9pm)

Well, I spoke to my lawyer today (finally) and she had an excellent compromise. She hasn't had time to file the withdrawl, and she suggests filing a notice to the court that the "parties are attempting to reconcile", which would give us 180 days or even longer to do anything. It's a bit different than a hold, and the best thing in the way of meeting halfway.

Now I'm thinking doesn't this show somewhat how "changed' he really is, if he's not willing to go for this doesn't that say it's more of a control issue?

I however, have planned to stall him by saying that the attorney is out of town until after the holiday weekend. Since we'll be going out of state to a big family reunioon for the holiday (plannned for the last two years), I think this time away around his family may just nudge something inside me.

So far, to be honest I still just feel .... nothing different. Just comfortable sometimes and not happy. I feel happy moments when I'm with my daughter of just out doing things like shopping or working out. Not when I'm with him, usually then I feel nothing, or pressure, sometimes even trapped. Always conflicted & confused.

This weekend we did go to the movies and ate dinner together every night and I really am trying, but am so confused I can't see straight. Literally one minute I think it'll be ok and the next I don't.

I go to (yet another) counselor tomorrow.

Not sure how much I believe in this, but on a lark on Saturday I went with a friend to a psychic, who asked no questions besides my first name, he only made statements and asked me not to respond. He immediately tapped my wedding ring and said, you'll be single soon. He said I'd initiated a divorce, was attempting to try again, but that I'd wind up going ahead with the divorce.

He nailed how my husband is in personality, as well as me. He also said that I had 2 kids, the older being a boy and that I was worried about my daughter. He also said he sensed a problem with one of my ovaries due to tumors (I had my rt one removed several years ago due to recurring non-cancerous tumors).

Any thoughts....???

Will post again or try to before thanksgiving, or maybe even from the in-law's place. I think I might feel overwhelmed & a bit trapped in another state for four days with his side...Thanks again you all for being so supportive and truly helpful. Please keep it coming.

Still feel on the brink of a breakdown. Work still sucks.

I am grateful for all of you.

[Butterfly07 0]

UPDATE 11/21 3am

Well, a while back ago one of you wrote something about his checking the computer and apparently I should have listened. Apparently at 2am this morning he decided to check up on me and found this thread & my posts and has decided that me & my lawyer can "go F$!@k ourselves" and that he's done with me.

Guess that shows if he's willing to meet halfway. He says it's not just about that (not filing a withdrawal) but also that I was willing to "lie" to him until after the holiday about it.

My concern is what he'll tell the kids this time. Feedback?

[Bullwinkle 1]

Apparently at 2am this morning he decided to check up on me and found this thread & my posts and has decided that me & my lawyer can "go F$!@k ourselves" and that he's done with me.

My two cents....

#1. As to his "checking up" on you.....

Yanno what? All this time, he's just been LOOKING and WAITING for you to do something "WRONG." He's a control freak. I speak from experience. Trust me. My ex-husband used to check the odometer on the car to make sure I wasn't going anywhere further than the grocery store. He'd check the position of the passenger seat to make sure I wasn't giving anyone a ride anywhere. He'd check phone records, and if he would have known how, he would have checked the keystrokes on my computer.

HE's a control freak, and he'll never change. Get out NOW. This will turn ugly, fast.

#2. As to his finding your posts here......

So the hell what???? You're looking for insight and HELP. It's the same things as going to a counselor. We're counseling you. We're trying to help you. He wants you to stop finding help. He wants you under his thumb.

He's trying to control you. You don't see that now, but you will. If he's found your posts here, he'll probably read this one, and I hope he does.

You are too close to the situation to see what's happening. I reiterate....get out, go live somewhere else, get apart from the situation so you can step back and take a look after you've had breathing room, and you'll see more clearly.

The fact that your husband is spying on you -- 'cause that's what he's doing -- tells me that he's just LOOKING for ANY opportunity to accuse you of wrong-doing.

You've done nothing wrong. He has.

[green 6]

Bullwinkle has given you good advice, girl. Your husband does sound controlling and volatile. I also suspect that you feel that you would be happier without him. You mentioned in your second last post that you feel "pressure" or "sometimes even trapped" when you are with him. This is not healthy. You should remove yourself from the situation ASAP and get some rest.

[MarySue33 0]

GET HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE...NOW!!!! I would not leave...I would get your lawyer to get him out. Typcially (and I know that every state is different) mom can get temporary possession of the house during the divorce proceedings.

And if he tells the kids...he tells the kids. You cannot let that hang over your head. He has been playing them all along -- from the Disneyland dad stuff to boo hooing and telling them that he was willing to try, but you were not. The best thing to do is probably to beat him to the punch. Sit down and tell them that you can no longer stay married to their dad. Reiterate (again and again) that it is not about them...it is about you...and about him.

Don't be surprised if he prints the entire thread and shares it with the family at Thanksgiving. That has been his MO to date -- rally the support around poor, pitiful him whose wife is not giving him a chance. Also, do not be surprised if three days from now he is remorseful and sad and begging you to give him another chance.

If he does bring it up to the kids, you might want to share (without bashing, if possible) that you were willing to try...and that you were willing to give it a chance...against your better judgment...because you thought that it would make them happy. Their dad has pulled everyone he knows into this and we are your friends and this is no different...that everyone needs a support group...and we are yours. They may be angry or hurt (especially if he has been filling their heads with crap for the past few months) but, trust me, they WILL eventually see him for the control freak that he is. It may not be today...it may not be tomorrow...but as they get older they will see it.

I would tell them that you were willing to give it a try...but that this time their dad crossed the line and was spying on you...even though you were not doing anything wrong.

It will be extremely painful at first...but you WILL get through it and your kids will eventually see him for the control freak that he is. I would stand my ground, though, and get HIM to leave the house. You need a home base and a sanctuary where you can feel safe and secure that he will not take or destroy things or that he will not be monitoring your every move.

Something you may want to consider...this is a public forum and now that he knows where it is, he can access it. Perhaps PMs are the way to go from this point forward. I would also probably change any passwords I have and I would NOT type a thing that is private from your home computer...but do it from the library, just in case he has spyware that monitors keystrokes on your home computer.

We're here for you...and I know EXACTLY what you are going through. The holidays will be difficult, but you WILL get through this.

Hugs...