Divorce

[gentlespirit 1]

I don't have any words of wisdom...just a hug to send. I feel so bad for all the stress and roller coaster emotions you are going through. It must be incredibly frustrating to want to get on with your life and have people playing games with you. Please be good to yourself and try not to let him make you nuts...sounds like he's a master manipulator! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Emily

[Bullwinkle 1]

Been there, done that. All of it. Your scenario sounds just like mine did, except throw in mental, verbal, and physical abuse by my first husband, and poisoning the minds of my children against me.

My advice to you is to get apart and stay apart. Please. Whatever it takes, do it. Go stay with friends, relatives, a women's shelter -- if you own part of the house get your lawyer to get his butt out -- whatever it takes.

For your own sanity, you've gotta get apart. From everything I've read of your situation so far, your husband's outbursts will just get worse. Believe me.

My two cents........

[MarySue33 0]

I agree completely with Bullwinkle. For your sanity and for the mental well being of your daughter through this entire process I would do anything in my power to get him out of the house -- especially since you have indicated that he actually has a place he could stay.

 

I have been thinking of you so much lately and I hope that things have settled down a wee bit.

 

Hugs,

 

MarySue

[Butterfly07 0]

(11/9/06 7pm)

I took (another) day off due to crying 20 hrs straight and lack of sleep. He actually stayed home & we talked,,,now am cosidering giving it another try. How crazy am I??? Friends are concerned, I don't eat, drink or sleep enough.

I'm entertaining the idea, as 25 years together...makes me think I have to be able to say 100% that I gave it my all.. not sure that's true but also not sure my heart's in it now...The big fight we already had is he wants me to dismiss the divorce and I want it to be on hold (lawyer's advice) for a couple of months.

Think I'll hold my ground on this, but he feels that sends a defeated messsage and "leaves the divorce hanging over his head" and he wants a clean slate. One friend says it's him trying to be in control another says she can see his point.

He's already called the kids and his family to say we are giving it another try. He has agreed to intense counseling and says since I changed why can't he change too? I just don't know.

Sometimes I think it could work and sometimes I don't.

I don't know which way is up or what is right or what is fair.... Need to find a counselor, fear I'm having a nervous breakdown. Crying, lack of sleep, HUGE work problems, feel like I have no safe place to go. Can't get myself to go away, swing from thought to thought.

I appreciate all advice, insight, HELP

[Kat817 19]

I am sure you will get all sorts of comments as well as flack from people, but ultimately you have to live with you. If there is a spark left there, and you are not concerned for your safety, then what will it hurt. If it does not go well, then you as well as your children will know that you DID give it your best shot, you went back and tried again. I would hold him to the counselling, and I would not only go as a couple, but insist on one on one time for yourself. You deserve it, you need it.

I have seldom seen any couple split, and never at least try a reconcilliation, so don't feel alone!!!

We will be here, many of us have been where you are at now, and we will be here for support, cheering you on, and along with you, hoping for the very best. Maybe you did scare some sense into him. I for one will hope for that!!!

Calm down, take one minute at a time. Deal with each thing as it comes at you. Let him know there are all kinds of things going on in your life with work, and you need help dealing with them. Heck if nothing else he should be on good behaviour now, take advantage of that, and deal with some of the other things with his help.

He was someone you loved for many, many years. No one is going to fault you for trying to save that. Big hugs to you, as you change course here. This could be as hard as the divorce ever thought about being....but if it works, you could recapture the love you had all those years ago. It's a shame it took something this drastic for it to re-appear, but maybe this is one of the "better late than never" things.

Keep us posted, breath deep, and take care of you!!!

Kat

[MarySue33 0]

We're here for you, girlie...and no...this is not crazy at all. It is very, very typical. I know that in my own case we tried a couple of reconciliations -- even after I had moved away to another state. Like you, I wanted to make sure in my heart that I had given the marriage a fair chance once things started going downhill.

 

I agree with Kat that your kids will appreciate the fact that you were willing to give him another chance. I'm with you, though, on the putting the divorce on hold. That's what we did. He may not like it, but I think that it is one thing you should hold your ground on.

 

Your friends may think you are nuts, but you have to do what you believe is best for you and your family. If you do not feel in your heart that you gave it 100%, then I would say to give it another try.

 

Good luck...we are here for you!

[barbara465 2]

Go where your heart leads you, but keep your head about you. Put the divorce on hold and try to work through the emotions. There will be many and they will conflict as you go through the process. Both of you can't start the healing process until you uncover all the reasons. It will be painful, but it can take you to a new place in your relationship.

 

You need time to regroup and gather your energies. Let him help you with that if he can. At minimum retreat from the day to day for a few and give yourself a rest.

 

All of us are hoping for whatever is best for you. We are not your judges, we are your support. Lean on us anytime.

 

Our prayers and thoughts are with you.

[Carlene 12]

I'm worthless to you, as far as personal experience. However, my youngest son and his wife separated last spring. It looked to be absolutely over. He retained a lawyer. She had a new man in her life (that's what precipitated the separation). They fought about EVERYTHING, even though they were living apart.

Bottom line is they are back together now. They have been married only 11 years, but they have two children and once the flame from the hot new romance died down, my DIL realized that they had a history together that would take her until she was almost 50 to re-create with someone else.

Six months ago, I wouldn't have bet 10 cents that this marriage would survive, but it seems to be doing okay. They are in counseling. She agreed at first, then tried to back out, but my son stood firm on that.

I have lived long enough to see people change - and I mean 180 degrees. They have to want it, though. They have to do it for themselves.

Good luck!

[LadyK 0]

(11/9/06 7pm)

I took (another) day off due to crying 20 hrs straight and lack of sleep. He actually stayed home & we talked,,,now am cosidering giving it another try. How crazy am I??? Friends are concerned, I don't eat, drink or sleep enough.

I'm entertaining the idea, as 25 years together...makes me think I have to be able to say 100% that I gave it my all.. not sure that's true but also not sure my heart's in it now...The big fight we already had is he wants me to dismiss the divorce and I want it to be on hold (lawyer's advice) for a couple of months.

Think I'll hold my ground on this, but he feels that sends a defeated messsage and "leaves the divorce hanging over his head" and he wants a clean slate. One friend says it's him trying to be in control another says she can see his point.

He's already called the kids and his family to say we are giving it another try. He has agreed to intense counseling and says since I changed why can't he change too? I just don't know.

Sometimes I think it could work and sometimes I don't.

I don't know which way is up or what is right or what is fair.... Need to find a counselor, fear I'm having a nervous breakdown. Crying, lack of sleep, HUGE work problems, feel like I have no safe place to go. Can't get myself to go away, swing from thought to thought.

I appreciate all advice, insight, HELP

It is worth a shot, especially when you have children. I just pray that he gets the help that he needs, wanting to change and actually changing is two diffrent things. Find your self a good counselor to help you address how you are feeling. I will be thinking of you.

[beversman 0]

My husband left me three months ago. I came home from work and he was just gone. so i understand the loss.

 

ive decided to make it through by focusing on me... and giving all the attention I usually give everyone else... to myself

 

Ive always been the mothering type... i take care of everyone. I will give someone else my last dollar, but I wont spend that dollar on me. I've decided that it is my turn becuase the only person that I can garuntee won't give up on me... is me.

[Kat817 19]

Beversman, you came to the right place for support. We will help you along in anyway possible, even if it just to listen when you need someone to vent to. We "use" each other that way a lot...and it helps!! Hang in there....and let us help.

Kat

[anonemouse 1]

I don't want to offend anyone, but I feel like I should maybe play devil's advocate. Is there any reason you feel that his behavior will suddenly change? You said that you have tried counseling several times. You have tried to save this marriage. Don't let him or anyone else tell you that you haven't. Taking his previous behavior into account, I urge you to consider whether this is just another ploy or if he is actually sincere. I personally feel that a dog can't change his spots. Don't make a decision right now. You are tired and worn down (mostly because of his behavior, I might add). Don't rush into anything. Take some time for yourself to decompress and think about everything. Just know that we are here to support you, no matter what decision you make.

[Butterfly07 0]

11/13/06 9pm

Thanks for the devil's advocate. I flucuate between what you said and what he says.

My dilema is how do I know what is right? He insists that if people can change why can't he... some of my questions revolve around do I even want him....as more than a friend... is this just because it's comfortable & easier. Not to mention better financially? What's fair to him, the kids, me? How do I know? Who's needs are better served?

You're right, I am so worn down I can hardly see straight. Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown. Just wish I could get my life back to good. Tried to get into the doctor and no one can see me till after thanksgiving...

My plan is to try and keep the Water at eye level so I don't drown, feel like I'm in the middle of the atlantic ocean alone with no lifejacket or land in sight.

The things that used to bring me peace now just seem like 4 letter words, love, hope, etc....

[barbara465 2]

Take some deep breathes. You don't have to make decisions now. Let him "show" you how he has changed and can change. HOWEVER, please be careful. Don't divulge any of your secrets or negotiations with your lawyer. Don't trust him with those details. Try to keep putting money aside somewhere where he can't get to it. Keep your plans to yourself so you have somewhere safe to fall if the worse happens.

Give yourself some space and time. Get yourself back on an even keel so you can make decisions in a rationale manner. In other words, take care of yourself and your emotional needs. The other stuff will be there when you're ready to deal with it.

[green 6]

I have heard that the best way to successfully introduce change into an interpersonal dynamic is to change one's own actions and reactions. You are far too exhausted right now; what you need is peace and quiet and lots of rest. Maybe he could stay at a family member's house for the weekend in order that you can have a break?

What you might want to do when you are feeling stronger is try analysing what your "hot buttons" are. If you can avoid reacting to him when he is pushing these, maybe he will start to change his behaviour. Oh yes, the two of you should probably go for some counselling sessions, both together and apart. You've been going through a very, very rough time lately!

The kids will undoubtedly love you for giving it another shot. And sometimes the second chance does work out. My significant other and I got back together after taking a break from each other. We got involved with other people but discovered that no one else measured up. Good luck.