Divorce

[LadyK 0]

You are right, you have to cut your attorney some slack. Once she is back on top of things in her life, then she will be the most effective attorney for you. Now you know your ex is all about playing head games. First the pitty party e-mail, then the :angry e-mail with horns. Don't feel sorry for him, he made that bed, now he has to lay in it. Push for the temporary restraining order to get your ex out of the house until the divorce is settled. What he is doing is still considered abuse, mental abuse last way longer than physical abuse. Remember that your daughter is also exposed to his bad behavior. I am sure you have already thought about this, but the holidays are coming; get him out before the holidays arrive. The holidays can really be a depressing time for individuals going through a divorce, but who do you think he will take his frustration out on?

I hope you get to relax in your own bedroom soon. Take care Girl!

[barbara465 2]

So sorry the meeting with the lawyer has been postponed. Hang in there. You need to toughen up a little. I know its hard, but he's playing mind games with you. Don't tip your hand about anything. Make sure you have some money socked away somewhere where he doesn't know about it. Take it out of grocery money if you have to, but put some aside.

He needs to be removed from the house until the divorce is settled. Don't feel sorry for him. You can't continue with these mind games and mental abuse. It will all come together at some point, but until then, he needs to leave. Make the lawyer do that for your sanity.

[green 6]

When I knew that my ex-husband was playing around I immediately emptied out the joint bank account and opened up a new one in my name only. I was making the lion's share of the money anyway. He spent the next month watching all his cheques bouncing.

[Butterfly07 0]

This weekend & today has been so bad I went home sick for the 1st time in 7 years of working there. Workwise it was a terrible time to leave as 4 other key people are out today. I just couldn't stop crying and couldn't handle anything.

This weekend he went grocery shopping & labeled everything he bought with his and/or my daughter's name. He then kept up with the nasty e-mails and even cleaned the house, and I started noticing more things missing.

I copied my lawyer all of his e-mails and asked her to call me, so far today (monday) at 1:30pm I haven't heard from her.

I slept 3 hrs in the last 3 days and tried to just spend time with my daughter. I have thrown up a couple of times, forgotten a few meals, yet the scale says I gained 3 pounds...first time ever for that.

I just feel defeated and unable to cope. I have to go to a state mandated parenting class tonight from 5-9:30pm ($40 that I don't have). Tried to sleep when I got home today, slept 1/2 hr and woke up scared (my natural wake up state these days), exhausted, can't sleep, no pills, OTC or perscriptions help.

HELP

[green 6]

Perhaps you should see your doc, explain about the problems you are having with sleeping, throwing-up, etc. He may be able to help you and certainly having these stress issues documented will help you legally. It sounds like a temporary restraining order may be in the cards.

[gentlespirit 1]

I haven't been here for awhile and am just wondering how it is going for you, wonderkidsmom...have things settled down? Having been through something similar, I really empathise with you and have been concerned for you. My ex pulled out the old "I'll kill myself if you leave" thing and I know what everyone means about the mind games. Please update us and let us know if you're OK...

Emily

[Kat817 19]

Sounds like it is time to "build your case". I hope you have been documenting every little thing...it sounds so petty, but it does help. Now you need to take pictures of the food situation, and if it is still $$$ coming from a joint account, when the statement comes in, copy it to show that joint $$$ bought that food. Take pictures around the house, of missing things, remember to write down anything your DD notices missing and comments on. In fact just taking several pictures now, can help you if eventually he removes more. Kind of like inventory of your home. Make sure someone else has a copy. Go to your parenting class, make sure you have a way of documenting and proving you went. You might meet people there who have been through this who will have advice! Keep a copy of the recipt for the $40.00. Copy all emails from him, and print them off in hard copy form as well. I would keep them all at a friends, or work, away from where he is right now. Print them as they come, the print date will show on the page. DO NOT wait to print them all at the last minute before going to court. If he says or does anything, and I do mean anything, that scares you, worries you for your safety or his for that matter, call the cops! And insist that a report be made. You can call on the hateful emails, but it would be pushing it!!! ANY threats of ANY nature need to be reported immediately!

Make note of the day you come home from work, and why, and how much money you lost in doing so. If you go to the Dr. ask for a copy of the days records. Keep receipts for any and all Rx the Dr. may give you.

Now some simple advice, that may not be something that really matters to you right now, but having spent way too much in attorney fees over the last 8 years, I feel a need to warn you!!! Every single time you call your attorney, it costs you...every page you fax, or email, that they look at, it can cost you. You may have an attorney that doesn't bill that way, we weren't so lucky! We kept everything in detailed documentation, and when it come time to go to court, and we met with our lawyer, we had everything he would need in order, but we learned not to just "keep in contact" because it was costing us out the yin-yang! I know you are at a point you need immediate help and advice from yours...I agree you need to talk to her like yesterday....but in the future keep in mind that you can send her a months worth of his emails, at one time, and only pay once as opposed to them billing you daily.

Anything that comes to you by mail, keep the envelope with it as well, for the postmark date proof. Write detailed memo's on any checks you write, and do write checks skip the debit for now, if anything on the check you are writing is for your children or the house, document it. When your statement comes in, the memo notes will be there, and dated.

It sounds like your DD is old enough to feel the stress, and is likely a bit afraid herself. Divorce is scary as well as sad. So maybe you guys can find something to do together, even if it is free, or cheap, buy several pumpkins, and laugh away some stress carving them...all the while you can secretly be imagining it is HIM you are gutting!!! Double stress relief!!!

I hope this all smooths out soon for you. Like Barbara said, toughen up, put on your poker face, and show him you will NOT be intimidated any longer...the days of that are GONE!!! You can do it--and we are right here to listen to the doubts, and support you...just don't let him see or know of the doubts!!! Hang tough Hon, you CAN do this!!!

Kat

[CCBSTX 0]

The stress will begin to rip you up inside. Do all that you can to document and stay out of his way. Have your attorney or a mediator handle all communications about the divorce. Don't get started on the the divorce subject with him, it will almost end up heated. Don't mentioned the labeled food etc. He will do anything to get to you. Ignore and "bite your tougue." It will be the hardest thing you will do.

Focus on your 14 year old. Stay away, if she is gone and he is around....go to the gym, take a walk, go to the park. When she is home, play a game, watch a funny movie, take her to the park or be available.

If you feel a little unnerved or unsafe, lock your bedroom door or at the very least put something at your bedroom door (chair, table) or chimes/bells to let you know when someone has entered. If your truly fear for your safety don't bother with the blocking and noise-makers, find a safe place to stay. There is no reason to live in absolute fear, if this is the case.

I hope things get better for you. Living with your seperated spouse will only add to that stress level. The sooner you both can live apart, the better for all.

Take care. Shawn

[MarySue33 0]

I had written you a long response the other day when you had posted the previous note but somehow it never made it to the forum. I guess maybe my computer timed out. This will be the reader's digest version.

1. You MUST get him out of that house. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Do not, I repeat, do NOT back down on this. It is not going to get better. It is only going to get worse and more stressful. If you cannot do this for yourself, do it for your daughter. Think of the emotional stress she is under living in the middle of a warzone...even if it is more of a cold war than actual fighting. It is NOT fair to her. Talk to your atty about getting temporary possession of the house. Apparently, his lawyer has already touched on the subject with him from what you have said. Do not discuss this with him. All it will do is add more fuel to the fire and will inflame emotions -- especially if you tell him that getting him out of the house is not an immediate option (it should be, though!) and then you change your mind. Do not get sucked into his games.

2. Do NOT respond to any of his emails. Period. Emotions run wild at this time and if you respond, you may unwittingly provide him with fuel for the fire. If you are both living in the same house, there is no need to read an email from him. If he cannot say something to you directly, let him pay his atty to say it to your atty. This is a very emotional time. Emails can be misconstrued on a good day. The likelihood of that is much higher now than under normal circumstances. I would not delete his emails. I would just read them and take a big, deep breath and save them for your atty. Just walk away from the computer before you respond and stoop to his level.

3. Do not get sucked into feeling bad for him. You MUST do your best (for your own sake and for the sake of your daughter) to harden yourself against having any sympathy toward him. He has (and will continue to) the ability to turn the sad act on and off. He knows it works. Don't get sucked in. Once you can detach yourself from him emotionally in this way, it will be a lot easier. (Another reason to get him out of the house. )

4. Remember me telling you that his Father of the Year act would fade? It sounds like it already has with him changing his mind about taking your daughter out of town. If you stay strong, he will soon reveal his true colors. However, if he sees that you are affected by his ups and downs, he will use them to his advantage.

5. Kat gives excellent advice. She is right. Every time she calls you back, reads a document, gives advice, etc. Ka-ching! Some of the time it will be worth it (like getting him out of the house...I know I sound like a broken record, but you MUST work toward that goal), but othertimes a concise documentation list is best. Document, document, document...and make sure that you have copies of your documentation in a safe place outside of the house. This may mean keeping it with you at work or at a friend's, but do not leave it in the house. If he finds it, it will give him advance warning of what you are planning.

6. Remember that he is lashing out because he feels he is losing control. That is where the head games come from. If he sees a chink in your armour, he will do anything in his power to break you down. Never let him see you sweat.

7. Keep your children at the forefront of everything. If you do that, you will find strength that you did not even know you had (aka the Mama Bear Syndrome) and you will be able to stand up to his crazy games.

8. Do a photo inventory and also recreate lists from memory of missing items. One of the things that you may want to ask your atty about is getting an order of some sort so that he cannot remove anything from the house until you have finalized a settlement agreement.

9. You may have to live in the same house for a while, but you do not have to have conversations with him. Just walk away, go in another room and close and lock the door if he starts in on you. Turn some music on and put on some headphones, read a good book and soak in a long, hot bath. Even if it is only temporary, it will help to reduce your stress level.

Hugs...M.

[bobby_hamrick 0]

Good luck and good for you to take a stand for yourself. Life is too short. My divorce led me to the best life ever. If I hadnt made the move I'd be in a different world...

[Butterfly07 0]

As always, thanks to all for your continued support and encouragement.

Thankfully my attorney has represented several of my co-workers and she has a flat rate retainer option with us due to our low salaries (we work for the local government) so I can call/e-mail etc without concern about the fees.

All of your advice has been incrediblyhelpful and sound.

I feel lonely & numb today. Got 3 hrs sleep (not in a row) last night and to cap ot off the scale says I've gained 3 pounds! Not sure how with eating so little.

Somedays I just don't want to be me.... Will write an update after my meeting with my attorney tomorrow afternoon.

I sometimes think hope & wish are 4 letter words for a reason....

[barbara465 2]

You've got to get yourself in a better place. You can't fight this battle if you are run down, depressed, stressed to the max, and sleep deprived. Please find ways to cope with this. Do you have any friends that can lend you a bed for a few hours? It would be nice if you could leave one evening after your daughter is asleep and go sleep at a friend's. A night of peaceful sleep will do wonders.

I, of course would cook a wonderful meal using all of the labeled food. After all your daughter has to eat!

Stress can cause the scale to move in the wrong direction. Don't worry about it. The weight gain is not real and will be reflected soon. Meet with your lawyer and campaign to get him moved temporarily. That is your best option. Once removed, change the locks so you can rest peacefully.

[Butterfly07 0]

Well, barring any more crisis, I should be meeting with my lawyer this afternoon (wednesday). I am looking forward to moving this process forward and feeling a bit more in control.

I've been thinking that some of my inability to cope comes from the feeling of being stuck/stalled/trapped, just like I did before I decided to finally admit things were over.

Also,lack of sleep doesn't help. Last night I was so desperate to sleep that I took a Benedryl and slept 6.5 hrs in a row. I still feel tired but much more like myself. Hopefully after I get home from the meeting I can take another one and sleep for another block of time. Seems to me that lack of sleep, control are all parts of that hamster wheel feeling I have been having.

I'll update tonight what happened with my lawyer. Oh, she did leave me a message on monday that she placed another call to his attorney again warning him about his client's behavior and possible removal from the house.

Thanks again everyone! please keep helping hold my spirits up!

[KariK 0]

Hell ya cook with the labled food! Why not? If he hits you over it well, then you can definitely get his sorry ass hauled to jail and permenanty out of the house. And if he says anything to you about using his labled food write down what he says to show the judge how he is trying to not let you feed your daughter.

[Butterfly07 0]

I met with my lawyer today (yeah!) for about an hour and 1/2. Thank goodness she charged a flat rate and not by the hour!

Anyway, we went over item by item everything we wanted to "counter offer" and why. She pointed out lots of good things to me, like a better custody arrangement - we agree on joint - but he wanted 2 week blocks each with our daughter, and she explained why week on, week off would be better. We also went over finances with a fine tooth comb and came up with a proposal and what we "really" wanted.

She answered all of my questions and I feel amazingly better. Seems being in control helps your sense of well being quite a bit.

She is going to contact his lawyer in the morning and request some financial info, and suponea it if she has to, and then she'll type up a counter offer.

I am hopeful but realistic. I think a lot of what I want won't go over really well, but hopefully his lawyer can get him to see that I am being reasonable.

I took a benadryl and slept 5 hours in a row last night, but still pretty tired. Am thinking I will do the same tonight, maybe 10 hours over 2 days will help. It sure beats 6 hours or less over 5 days!

My attorney also said let's try and hold off on getting him out of the house if possible, but if his behavior esclates, we'll look at it then.

Thanks again for the support, on this roller coaster journey I guess I'm on an upswing, but know there is a lot of down comingtoo.