Divorce

[green 6]

It sounds like the dude is playing hard ball. He's feeling hurt and humiliated and he wants to create the maximum amount of damage possible. You need to have a good lawyer. You need to keep him or her in the loop on your mate's latest stunts, and you need to be focussed on what your end goals are for he is going to make it seem like you are going to lose custody of your daughter and lose your house if you go through with this divorce. (My husband threatened to kill himself the day I served divorce papers on him.) Do you want this divorce? If yes, ignore his bullshit and keep your eye on the goal. He's obviously not going to go down without a fight. It's one of those macho pride things, you know.

[Butterfly07 0]

Here's today's latest:

My grandmother turned 89 today (my mom passed away 3 years ago and me & my sister are her only family), and he called her up to say happy birthday but then managed to start crying on her shoulder about how he doesn't want the divorce and I am tearing him and the family apart.

She wa reallyupset and crying - at her age she just doesn't understand divorce - and she was upset by him crying, she's used to men being strong.

She called my best friend of 18 years after he hung up with her and my friend called me.

I am livid that he'd do that toan old woman in frail health on her birthday. When I confronted him about it he said they'd had a "good talk" ARGH!!!!

My lawyer called for a few minutes this afternoon and we'll meet next week.

Would love any support/words of wisdom. Thanks!

[green 6]

The dude is playing hardball. He is playing dirty but you want the divorce so keep yourself focussed. Explain your side of this situation to your grandmother. She loves you and so she will understand. Your husband is a little crazy right now because you have taken control of your life and his through your plan to divorce him. Before this, he was the one who was in the driver's seat. It is going to take him a while to get over the shock and the hurt. Right now he is acting out.

[barbara465 2]

He's a desperate man doing whatever he can to have someone listen to his side. You will just have to remain strong. Unfortunately, it will get worse before it gets better. You really need to get him out of the house so you don't have to endure the day to day drama. Again, even if he gets the house in the end he needs to leave now. I'm sure he is working on the kids as well. He is looking for sympathy and placing blame.

Each day will be a drama. How you handle it will speak volumes on your character. Stay strong. This do will pass ....

[em1125 0]

My best friend has recently seperated from her husband (5 months ago. ) It started years ago with the same crap. Verbal abuse and no affection finally took it's toll. He too, was playing the "I'm only hurting role" with anyone who would listen.

She has one son in college and the other son is in high school. The younger son who lives home blames her as well b/c she had asked for the separation so it was her fault for breaking up the family. They were married 20 years this October.

It's also very hard on all of us (the friends) We all went out every weekend and took vacations together as couples and families. In the beginning the husband constantly tried to put us in the middle. It was hard at first for all of our friends.

It has been five months and she is much happier now. The kids have adjusted. She has met a very nice man who she dates on occassion. Her husband is also settled with the idea of separation and has been dealing with it much better. I think he even met someone. He is no longer talking to others about their marriage and he's not playing that "poor me" role.

I think it will take some time for all of you to adjust to this. Your husband

doesn't seem to want this and he's probably realizing that he had a lot to do with your decision even though he's blaming you.

I wish you all the luck. And, I'm so sorry that you're family is going through this tough time.

[MarySue33 0]

Sorry I was unable to respond sooner to your posts. I was in the hospital this week getting banded :clap2::clap2::clap2: and just got home tonight.

Whoever said that he has gotten some advice is right. He has probably talked to an attorney or divorced friends or coworkers and they have told him to pull out his Father of the Year act and to work it big time with the kids. I have my own phrase to describe this behavior..."They can only tap dance so long." Since this is so far out of character for him and such a foreign behavior, you can be sure that it will not last forever. However, they can keep this up for a long time. My guess is that he is going to hope that your daughter (how old is she again?) will choose to live with him if the judge asks her that question. (This is a long way down the road, though, if you are just beginning the process.)

When you meet with him next week, I would push your lawyer to try to get a hearing for temporary custody, temporary possession of the house and temporary child support (and alimony if you are eligible for alimony in your state). Push hard for these things. Once they actually happen, you might be surprised how quickly the shine of his Father of the Year crown dulls. True colors always come through...it just sometimes takes a while.

Before going to the lawyer next week, I would make a little notebook of all of the YEARS that you have been the primary caregiver to the kids. His few weeks of SuperDad will pale in comparison.

I would also ask your attorney to see if there is a way that you can get an order to stop him from 'harrassing' your family. Lay it on thick, if need be. Just don't lie.

If you have not already done so, make sure that everything you do on the computer is passworded. I cannot stress this enough. I would also invest about $20 in a flash drive so that you can keep important info with you in your possession at all times. My ex got so mad at me when we were going through our divorce that he picked up my laptop and threw it across the room. He was proud of himself, as he thought that all of my documentation would be lost. Luckily, only the screen was destroyed and I was able to take it to my office and hook it up to a desktop monitor to retrieve my data. Needless to say, that was the last time the laptop came home.

Ok...to summarize, here are my words of advice for today...

1. Stay strong. No matter what, do NOT get sucked into the emotional games he is playing. Continue to maintain a strong relationship with your kids -- again, without badmouthing him to them...just tell that part to your lawyer not to your kids.

2. Get your lawyer to move on custody, support, house and alimony. INSIST that the child support and alimony be paid through the court and not directly to you. That way if he ever does start to play games with the child support, the court will come after him and you won't have to do it yourself.

3. Get an order to keep him from calling and harrassing your grandmother or any other family members.

4. Document...document...document...

5. Make sure you have backup copies of your documentation in a safe place -- outside the house, if necessary. Either with a friend or in a lock box at the bank or something like that. I made the mistake of locking my notes and photos in the glove box of my car and he sneakily got access to it and snatched it one night. Just make sure you have duplicates of everything. That is a big lesson that I learned.

6. Breathe and pray. A big part of what he is doing right now is going for drama and emotion. If you DON'T buy into it, it will make him mad and you will see those true colors even sooner. Just keep smiling, moving forward and taking the high road.

7. Limit your contact with him as much as possible. The more you interact, the more he has a chance to push your buttons and the greater the chance you will do something stupid and irrational purely out of emotion. Just keep walking away and smiling. Polite...but distant. That was my ex's undoing. He would be yapping and I wouldn't respond. He got so frustrated that he grabbed me. I bruise easily...and made sure he knew I had photos of those bruises in a safe place. I never had to use them, but they were a good ace in the hole when he started to get arrogant and cocky.

We're here for you!

[Butterfly07 0]

MarySue33,

Congratulatons on your surgery! How are you feeling? I hope you recover well & quickly.

Disneyland dad continues..last night he took our daughter (14 next month) to dinner at Black Angus, this saturday he's taking her to dinner at his mother's, next wekend down to tucson for a family birthday party, then the 26th a party for his birthday (I threw those every year before).

I work at her school so we spend every weekday to & from together, and I continue to do as much with her as always. In fact tomorrow I am taking her to visit her brother in college as she hasn't seen him since memorial day when he came home last. He has been better, still a bit reserved with me but calls/texts/e-mails me more like he used to. I am hopeful that my continued presence with no pressure is helping him accept this and see that I'm still the mother who loves him.

I bought a notebook to start documenting everything, but I have a question for everyone...how do I prove all the years that I begged him to do something with her and he didn't? Do I just write a kind of report detailing things like that and things I did with her?

Because she's older there's nothing like day care sign-in/out sheets etc? And, to be fair he did come to most sports/school activities. it was ,more the weekend involvement that he was lacking in. I won't say he was a bad dad cause he wasn't just not very active.

Also, if he does return to his more normal pattern, how do I help her with that? Won't that make her feel like the sudden interest in her, since fading was somehow something she did?

I have been so careful to keep insiting to both kids that this divorce is nothing to do with them but just two people who grew apart. But even though she's a teen, I can't help but think the draw back of his time when it happens will hurt.

I have had her talk to a counselor and a trusted non-relative adult (female) who talks to her weekly and takes her out. I have said to them both that I don't want to know what they discuss (unless she shows signs of self destructive behavior type stuff), it's just important that she has an adult she can trust to bounce her thoughts/feelings off.

Feedback/encouragement always welcome.

Last thing, I am so mentaly, emotionally & physically exhausted (I do still work out daily) I try to keep my spirits up, but this week I have changed emotional tracts hourly. and sometimes see all the bad instead of the good. Also, the stress has me throwing up way too many times so now I don't eat much and keep down less, anyone have this experience?

[LadyK 0]

You have a very good point about Superdad hanging up his cape; playing the role of Superdad is just a role for him and he can't keep it up for long. If it were I, I would speak to my daughter about the possibility of her father not continuing the "full court press" for very long. Ensuring her that if he does go back to his normal behavior, it is not a reflection on her; it is simply who he really is.

My husband is a wonderful father, but it has taken 18 years for him to arrive to this point. While my children were growing up, I did 95% of the day to day activities, (parties, amusement parks, planning vacations, school activities, parent teacher conferences). My husband was active in our childrens lives when they played sports. He was supportive to 120% when they were in their sports. Now he misses them (two older kids are seniors in college, the youngest is a freshman in high school), when the college kids do come home, they don't have a lot of time to spend with us. I understand, and I apprechiate every moment that I get to spend with them; but I also have no regrets, I gave my kids my all and some.

I hope your ex realizes what a gift he has in his children. I think as soon as you get him out of the house, your stress level will drop. Hang in there girl!

[Butterfly07 0]

Update...

Tonight after a very stressful day at work, I came home to look for a pair of workout pants in the master bedroom closet before my workout. I had moved into my son's room a while ago, but while he's away at college he has left most of his stuff there, so there's not much room in his closet.

Anyway, I hadn't been in there in a few days and I discovered that my husband had packed up all my things in the closet into brand new u-haul boxes & sealed them.

I also found several shoe boxes where I have stored stuff like letters, the kids first pairs of shoes, old mother's day cards, letters from him when we started dating, etc were empty and in a pile of trash. Now, the u-haul boxes were sealed so I can't say for sure what has been thrown away, hidden, etc, but I am outraged. This is MY STUFF, and I feel he has no right to touch it/move it/sort it/pack it.

I had to get to exercise class so I left. When I came home (oddly he had left my dinner warming in the oven) he refused to speak to me or look at me and when I said he had no right, he just turned away and walked upstairs. He then came back down and gave me the empty shoe boxes saying that was all he had in the garbage pile.

I tried to impress on him that he had no right to touch anything of mine, and he just ignored me and went to lock himself in the bedroom again.

I did call my attorney and leave her a message about what he had done, I also called one of my local police friends and left her a message as well asking if there is anything I can do to prevent this kind of behavior.

Best case scenario, I move out mid-to end December if we can resolve the divorce quickly, worst case is it's 6-9 months or more. So why the heck is he packing my stuff up now?

Advice/insight?

As always, a million thanks for all the support.

[MarySue33 0]

As usual, he is just keeping up the head games, methinks.

He is doing it for only one reason -- because he feels powerless right now. First you took away his control by losing the weight and now you have further taken it away by filing for the divorce. This, in my opinion, is his last ditch effort at trying to control the situation.

My ex was extremely passive aggressive throughout our marriage and was also prone to the types of behaviors you are experiencing. Like yours, he would break something or throw something away -- just to tick me off. When I would react and start to yell and ask him WHY he would just get a smirk on his face and walk away. In his eyes, he 'won' that way.

Did you get a chance to talk to your lawyer about getting him out of the house until things are final? I still think that is the best option. There is no way that you can go on living like this for months. That is the only way that you will probably be able to stop this sort of behavior. See what your lawyer says. Tell her about this nonsense and that you want him out of the house until the divorce is final.

Sending hugs...

[Butterfly07 0]

I am seeing my lawyer tomorrow (thursday) at 3pm, can't wait. My lawyer is wonderful, kind enough to give me her cell #, so I did leave her a message last night to let her know the latest.

I also plan to call her this morning to try and connect about seeing what I can do about getting him out, but am not sure there is anything. The ironic thing is that he runs a hotel nearby and has the ability to live there for free. This is a very bad situation.

He's taking my daughter out of town this weekend (not out of state) for a family birthday party, I plan to use the 24 hrs to pack up any & all of my treasured belongings and move them to a friend's storage unit for safekeeping.

I also plan to sleep in my real bed, bathe in my big bathtub, watch my own bedroon tv, and (for the first time in many months) relax and enjoy being in my own home. Maybe I can exhale!

Anyone know the best way for me to keep my sanity and not have palpatitations during this? My ability to cope/handle this is running a bit low.

[LadyK 0]

wonderkidsmom -

I guess that your soon to be ex, does not know that God does not like ugly. His behavior toward you is just plain ugly. Do not stoop to his level, the Lord will take care of him 10 fold. Now regarding your material items that he has thrown away or packed up; get your camera out, it is time to take some pictures. Open the boxes and photograph the contents, make a list of what is missing. Take a picture of the things that he has thrown in the trash, these are memories (cards, letters) that can never be replaced. Basically, he has stolen from you. This may not be you, but I would also call the police have them come over and file a report; try and do this when he is not at home. You have photos, and a documented report from the police department; give both to your lawyer for safe keepings. I would give a montary value to the items, that he has destroyed. Have your lawyer give the photos and police report to the judge, and ask that your ex compensate you financially for your loss. This is another reason why your lawyer needs to ask that he be removed from the family home.

I am glad to hear that you are still taking care of yourself, good for you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[barbara465 2]

He should not assume that he is getting the house. You should not be allowing him to think that. I would move back to the bedroom and reinstall your things. Period.

He needs to move out until things are settled. The hotel is a perfect solution and will not cause him hardship. The court would see it that way as well.

Remember your daughter is 14 and they love their father's at that age. Father's can do nothing wrong. I wouldn't try to do anything about that relationship. If he is spending time with her, for whatever reason, let him. That's not bad. Maybe, just maybe, the divorce is his wake up call. If not, you will be there to pick up the pieces, but you can't "warn" her. That would not be fair to her. She wouldn't listen anyway.

I would remove discreetly remove anything you want to keep and afraid he would destroy. I would open another bank account and start socking money away. Have the statements sent to the office or get a post office box. You might need that stash if things get tough.

I would also consider a slight unfill if you continue to throw up. Stress plays havoc on the band and you can't constantly be throwing up. You need to be able to find some calm in your life. The best way to do that is to get him out of the house until the divorce is settled. Your lawyer can get that done.

Hang in there. Enjoy your weekend. Pamper yourself.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

It will be hard, but don't allow your children to be the rope in this tug-of-war.

[Butterfly07 0]

Well, I'm frustrated. My attorney had to cancel our meeting yesterday because she got into a car accident just before. She didn't return any of my calls today. We rescheduled for wednesday afternoon.

Also today, I got a e-mail from my husband who seemed scared, told me he'd had a long talk with his attorney yesterday and that he had been advised to be prepared to receive a temporary restraining order to get out of the house until the divorce was settled.

Stupidly, I answered that wasn't an immediate option, but it was something my attorney wanted to pursue if he continued with his current behavior. I said we needed to be cordial to each other.

He also said he'd been to the counselor and realized he had been approaching things all wrong and was in a much better place. I actually felt bad for him.

Somhow something about that sent him over the edge and later I got a nasty e-mail saying that if I try to get him out of the house he would withdraw his settlement offer *good except for the money of course* and I should "take my best shot" at getting him out.

I am disheartened and feel like this will never end. Also, I know that I should cut my attorney some slack, but I really did have a lot of questions I was hoping to get answered. I hat ebeing in limbo and not knowing what happens next.

Last thing, he was supposed to take our daughter out of town for the weekend for a function with his family, and he said he changed his mind. I was really hoping to sleep in my real bed and take a long bath in my bathtub (huge roman thing) and exhale for a weekend for a change.

UGH!!!