Divorce

[Butterfly07 0]

Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

[Alexandra 55]

My heart goes out to you, wonderkidsmom. Divorce is never easy. But sometimes it can be the best thing that ever happens to us. He sounds a lot like my ex-DH who also came from a big Irish family, but who never valued me as a person. I was his "designated wife" and when I didn't hop to the way he expected me to, put-downs were all I heard. I'm totally familiar with that kind of vibe, and it's no way to live.

Good luck with your transition!

[Pinkylee 7]

Wonderkidsmom

Divorce is never easy no matter what the situation is.

As a Mom and wife, we put our family first. Verbal abuse can be as painful as physical abuse Especially when done in a threatening way. No one should ever be treated in the way you have described.

The band requires us to put in some hard work on self-improvement. That's empowering.

Severing inappropriate relationships is one step in the process of "growing up".

I'm replacing fear of what others think of me with fear of what I think of myself.

We are becoming new people. Our new healthier bodies enable us to dream big dreams and know we can attain those dreams.

All the best to you as you rebuild your new life.

[gotta be me 0]

wonderkidsmom. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I divorced the man who will always have my heart 20 years ago because he was unfaithful. You will get through this and be stronger for it. I truly wish you the best and my heart goes out to you.:think

[Mita 2]

My Heart goes out to you. Divorce is never easy. Mine was final In Aug, I too felt like I had settled for the way of life HE was a customed too. After 11yrs I felt that it was better to end it for my boys and of course me. I think my family took it harder than we did.

I hope everything works out for you and your boys. That was a lot of time vested for you both..

Best Wishes

[Dianechef 3]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. My sister was divorced several years ago & I went through it with her. Sad, sad time in her life. He did a lot of the things your husband did & she just felt she didn't love him any more.

She has a little bit of a different outlook. She is re-married, but still has to deal with issues from her ex because of the kids. Her new husband is a good man, but marriage is always work!! She said that she still struggles with issues from her previous marriage AND she added to those struggles with her new marriage. She feels that it would have been better to give it 100% in her first marriage then to get divorced. She said her problems got bigger & her kids have had a lof of difficulties.

I have never been divorced & can only imagine, what you're going through. But, I thought I'd give out another person view point.

Lots of hugs as you deal through this. An unhappy marriage is never, ever easy!!

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

If 8 months of counseling hasn't helped, then all I can say is, "I wish you the best."

BTW, You didn't mention the gender of your younger child, but either way, they both will survive, although they do not believe that they can at this time.

PLEASE, PLEASE assure the children over and over that they had nothing to do with your decision. They will think that they were the cause, no matter what they tell you. So repeat it often, "This has nothing to do with anything that you did."

[LadyK 0]

Well, it's the end of the line for my 21 year marriage. This has been a long time in the works, and we've been in counseling for 8 months this time, but in the past off and on for 5 years.

The decision to file for divorce is mine, and I am worried about my kids. My oldest is 18 and away at college, and my youngest is 14. My oldest is taking it hard and because I am the one initating, I am the target of his anger. The youngest is taking it much better, with a "it's about time" approach. The oldest does remember all the years of problems and acknowledges that things have been bad for a long time.

My husband blames the band and my 88 pound weight loss (have to update my avatar) and says I now think I'm better than him.

Not true. I think the band changed me inside as well as out and these problems that have been plaguing our marriage are no longer acceptable to me. It's not that he's a bad guy, just not the guy for me. He knew that I had zero self esteem as a woman and he never helped, in fact he would on a regular basis reinforce the idea that I was lucky he came home every night and no one would ever want me, I was that ugly, unattractive and terrible.

As I gained self esteem I realized that just wasn't true. He admits to at least the last 10-15 years being emotionally checked out and now that I'm sexier he wants me. I say you can't do that for someone that long and expect them to love you again. He killed the love in my heart a longtime ago but I believed I was broken, and this was what I should settle for.

The hardest thing for me is losing his family, I only have 4 people on my side of the family and I love his big irish bunch. They all seem to think this was easy for me and no one seems to care about the pain i'm in.:phanvan

What have your experiences been?

Your decision to divorce your husband, started well before the 88 lbs. loss. People would like to think that the weight loss is the real reason for the divorce; but it only gave you the courage do what you knew in your heart of hearts. Truth be told, he could not help your self esteem, only you have that power. Baby, you have value and worth, but it does not matter if 20 men are singing your praises, if you yourself do not know your value. Regarding loosing your husbands family, a few family members may have the courage to let others know that you are still family; but if that does not happen, then they were never really family anyway. The size of your kin, does not matter. Love the 4 relatives that you do have, with all of your heart. Go out and make new lasting memories with them and your children; with that much love, you won't even miss his large clan. I send you peace and nothing but good blessings.

[beachgirl 2]

I too, am truly sorry but I also know from all of your posts that I've read that you are stronger now, you will overcome this and come out a better person. I've been married, soon 25 years, so I would be lying if I said we'd never had any trouble. Marriage is like a fulltime job with lots of overtime and can be the most trying thing in life in the best of times.

Just love yourself and your kids and keep your head up, you'll do just fine. Also, as an extra bonus, enjoy your new life as a thinner person as well, you deserve it.

[BeacheeGirl 0]

Good for you for making a decision to stand up for yourself. Kids sometimes don't understand or forgive their parents for decisions they make until they are older and go through it themselves. He will come around eventually and you will probably get an "I'm sorry mom, I do understand now" at some point in your life. Good luck on the adventures and more self realizations you will have in your future. Stay strong!

[CCBSTX 0]

The fact is that you've tried through counseling. Some relationship can never mend for the hurt is deep. Your children will eventually come to understand. The best thing, if you can muster, to do have as decent of a divorce as possible (not easy). Keep the kids out of the arguments and never speak ugly about each other, in front of them. That is the worst thing for a child (I know from my past).

Take care of yourself. You sound like a strong person. Shawn

[gentlespirit 1]

Having been through a divorce myself, I don't think it's ever a good answer, but sometimes it's the only answer we have. It's hard on everyone, even the one who initiates it (I did, too). A lot of kids son't like their familiar world to change, even if they aren't happy with it the way it is...the unknown can be frightening. Give your oldest some time to adjust. My two were more like the "it's about time" child you mentioned.

You'll be in my thoughts...hope everything goes as well as it can under the circumstances.

Emily

[Butterfly07 0]

Thank you a million times over for the wonderful encouragement & support from all of you who have posted replies.

I really needed it.

My youngest is a girl, (in response to "tired old man's question). She has been around us a lot more (before my son went to college he was so busy with school/sports/firends he was rarely home and when he was my husband wasn't) and I think had a better sense of what things were like, although my son is the sensitive one, if that makes sense.

I signed the papers today for filing for divorce on Tuesday, it was not easy. I have been crying on and off all day, which is not like me. I am crying for the loss of what I wished for my marriage and what isn't. I do feel in my heart that this is the right thing.

I have had multiple talks with the kids, who although older and protesting they know, still I believe need to hear that it's not their fault and doesn't relate to them. I have and will never stoop to staying anything bad about my husband to them or within their earshot, bt my son and husband himself have admitted that he has done that about me.

I'm grateful for people like you on this board and my amazing friends. Please know that you truly touched someone's heart today.

[mommy3boys 0]

I understand what you are going thru and can simpathize. I too am in the final stages of my 11.5 year marriage. My ex had an affair then blamed me for everything wrong in our marriage. Now I see things much more clearly and time has been a great healer. My youngest was 6 months when I filed for divorce and have never regretted my decision.

Good luck and just remember to pray alot for strength and take it just one day at a time. Time heals all wounds.

Ana

[reredc 0]

Divorce is very difficult for everyone involved. My parents just divorced after 37 years of marriage and it has been challenging for me at times.

I cannot speak for your children, but after my siblings and I got over the initial shock (37 years), we were more concerned about them as individuals and wanted that they both be happy and healthy whatever that meant for them.

Good luck to you in your transition.