female only Venting...

[Flupie 16]

Need to vent something into the void, because the pressure is weighing me down.

I was sleeved June 6. I am making the decision to separate from my husband of 9 years. It has been recommended by my friends and my counselors to do so. My surgeon even had some insight. "Strike while the Iron is hot" he said. "you have chosen to make a major life change, take advantage of it."

He is a good person, and he means well, but we have had problems since way before my surgery. He is OCD (undiagnosed), and has very little emotional intelligence. He has refused to find a reasonable career of himself - he works for H&R block once a week. That was a compromise because he used to say his goal in life was to not work. So he is home all the time, questioning an micromanaging house stuff and my decisions with the kids. He has no real interests, other than video games. And, he has no real coping skills - he told the counselor that he felt like he was being physically damaged because he wasn't getting "IT" enough.

I know that I am certainly not perfect but Basically, we are two different people. We have three children together.

Now that food is not part of my life, I am trying to find new ways of coping with the stress. This sucks!

Anyway, I just needed to vent into a void - lay this down so I can get on with the day.

[7carol3 212]

It is great that you have so many people supporting you in this decision!! Wrap yourself up in activities with your kids and anyone who supports you. Kudos to you for being brave enough to leave a situation that doesn't make you happy. I hope that the "She only left because she got skinny" comments don't come up at all!! I hope the venting helped!

[UTGal99 327]

Good for you! You need to do what you need to do and I admire your courage to do it. My favorite quote of all time is from the movie The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living or get busy dying!"

If continuing to stay with your husband is not really living then get to moving along. It will be better for you and your children in the long run. I don't mean to criticize your husband, but he is not being a good role model to the children by sitting around playing video games versus going out and providing for his family. Children need to see that it requires hard work, dedication and commitment to many aspects in life to be successful and happy.

Here is wishing you well and be comforted in knowing that you are the only person who can make you happy.

I leave you with this quote:

"You are on your own and you know what you know. You are the one who will decide where to go."

-Dr Seuss

[Spatters3 315]

If he's not willing or able to change then you either have to stay and be miserable or make him move out so you can get on with your life. Have you told him this?

[@DomLorenVSG 107]

Do you think a lot of why you put up with him and the non-sense for so long was because of your weight and self esteem? That you thought he was the best you could get and that you had to settle? Sounds to me like you have very little respect for him as a man, and father figure, or husband. And I don't blame you at all- your weight kept you tied to someone you didn't truly love because you felt like you were stuck. And now... you're not stuck anymore! You're going to have so many options! And it sounds you really don't need him around to do anything but hold you down! Spread your wings and flyyyyyy girl!

[@DomLorenVSG 107]

** might add that when I got my divorce, my counselor said if it were between being along and being a single parent for the rest of your life, or being with him and continuing on like this - no dating, no other options, nadda, what would you choose? Hands down I said I'd be relieved to be on my own as a single mother without the headache of him. And that's how I realized my own truth. If you're ready to be alone and know you can be happier without him, than do it. He will always be there for your kids, wether he wants to or not- they know who their father is and thats their relationship not yours. You got to do you!!!

[iegal 460]

I hate divorce. You need to decide what is best for you and your children.

What are the ramifications of staying? What about leaving? How will you support yourself & children? Will you have to pay him spousal support? Who will take care of the kids when husband is gone? Can you family help you out after divorce or will you being doing this totally solo?

Crazy he does not want to work...was he always this way before you married him? How does he expect you and the kids to live without his support? To me it sounds like he is a little boy in a man's body. Work is just a job to support my lifestyle and pay the bills. Tell your husband to grow up or get out.

As for being physically damaged... HA HA, you are emotionally damaged because his needs come before you and your children needs.

Ask him: Who is responsible for making sure our family has a roof over their head, food on the table, basics like electricity, gas, Water? Who is an loving parent/partner and sees to his family's needs. He needs to realize that he choose to have financial responsibilities. Additional he has physical & emotional responsibilities where chosen when he got married and then fathered three children. Each act over the years made additional responsibilities. If he wants to be Peter Pan and never grow up, then he should move back into his parents basement and let them support him.

Better to be single (if you can afford it) than support a bum. That really is what he is honey. Sorry.

[Flupie 16]

Thank you so much for your support and well wishes!

- iegal - I am set financially. I am very fortunate and grateful to have inherited money from my father (long story) I will have to most likely pay spousal support, but not for long in this state. I am also a teacher by trade so there is always a job for me if I need one. He has made money off of investments, etc with the money that has come in, but he has become very well off for not working at it. I am convinced that his OCD really hinders his will to do anything. He spends hours organizing receipts, pouring over credit card bills, and Questioning me about every little purchase.

And yes, I think my self esteem about my body drove me to "settle" for someone. He had a job when we were married, and I was impressed that he was good at housework, because I am terrible at it.

BTW- he is taking a nap right now... Is it wrong for this to drive me crazy?

I can't call him a bum, but I am not proud of the way we live. I cant Get him to understand this. It's time to move on, and I am prepared to be a single parent.

[Flupie 16]

UTGal99 :Children need to see that it requires hard work, dedication and commitment to many aspects in life to be successful and happy.

I absolutely agree! And I LOVE the Dr. Seuss quote!

[prettysleeved1 173]

Thank you so much for your support and well wishes!

- iegal - I am set financially. I am very fortunate and grateful to have inherited money from my father (long story) I will have to most likely pay spousal support, but not for long in this state. I am also a teacher by trade so there is always a job for me if I need one. He has made money off of investments, etc with the money that has come in, but he has become very well off for not working at it. I am convinced that his OCD really hinders his will to do anything. He spends hours organizing receipts, pouring over credit card bills, and Questioning me about every little purchase.

And yes, I think my self esteem about my body drove me to "settle" for someone. He had a job when we were married, and I was impressed that he was good at housework, because I am terrible at it.

BTW- he is taking a nap right now... Is it wrong for this to drive me crazy?

I can't call him a bum, but I am not proud of the way we live. I cant Get him to understand this. It's time to move on, and I am prepared to be a single parent.

This is good.

You can probably see if you can get him to agree to a lump sum so you can be done with it more quickly.

I know one thing for sure: most women can do whatever they need to do for the well-being of their children so I wouldn't even let the prospect of being a single mom deter you if the situation is dragging you down enough. Your state of mind will eventually start to wear on your children as well so if you need to split....split.