serious depression :( enter at your own risk

[waterlily1072 5]

In the last 4 or 5 months my depression has gone from under control to totally out of control. I am no longer feeling up to participating in the things I once loved. I haven't been to church in 4 months, I used to go every week, it was my strength and peace. School is something I want to do and yet the idea of actually going makes break down in tears. I am chronically exhausted and sleep at least 14hrs a day. I have gone from showering daily to showering only when I absolutely have to. I don;t get dressed, I just stay in my jammies all day. I have stopped doing dishes, laundry, cooking. I am truly blessed that my dh has picked up the slack somewhat. I know that my weight loss is on track but I feel like a failure that I can't do all the things that I want to do and that I think I should be able to do. That I am not losing faster, that I am not performing in life the way I want to. I started cosmetology school 6 weeks after surgery. In hindsight I realise it was way to soon for me to take on something that monopolised 60hrs a week including commute time. I have a history of bi-polar disorder and have never handled stress well. This has just been way too much for me. I need different meds and a grip. I have an appointment on friday for the meds but I am counting on friends and all of you for the grip on reality. No one in my real life has gone through any of this, the pressure to succeed, everyone watching you, hoping for you, always wanting to know how much I've lost. I just want to scream that I still eat ice cream sometimes, I still like doritos. I am right on schedule but I'd be a lot farther if i ate the way I was supposed to. I want to lose faster and I could lose faster if I could just control my stupid head hunger! The only thing holding me back is me! My house is a disaster, I didn't shower today, I am still in my jammies. I went over on my calories today due to junk food! There is a huge pile of dirty laundry in the hall and an even bigger pile of clean laundry in a big basket in front of my closet cause I don't put it away and I don't seem to care, but I do care. I would rather sleep than face the reality of my life. Dreaming about a thin life with healthy finances, insurance and no stress. A husband that works every day instead of just enough to make ends meet by the skin of our teeth. I want a clean kitchen, heck I want a clean house, but I just dont have it in me to make it happen right now. My mom asked how I let it get this bad and all I could say is it crept up on me till one day I realised I was in seriously bad shape.

I guess that's all I have to say. I am hoping that writing all of this will somehow help me deal with life, that maybe someone else has been through this and can testify that it is possible to get through to the other side, the side of sanity. I need to believe that this huge weight will be lifted from my shoulders eventually. I just want to thank anyone who actually reads this for caring enough to read about my struggles.

[Randi L 0]

You are SO not alone.

If I didn't have my dog that I have to walk, I seriously doubt I would get out of bed at all. I hate the fact that when I try to eat healthy, I throw it up - but when I eat junk, it goes down fine. I hate not knowing why the band is so difficult, and doesn't work faster, but I know it's my fault.

It's always been my fault. It's always been hard and depressing.

Letting the house go is a symptom of your depression/bi-polar. Sometimes, you just have to ask for help... and perhaps instead of your mom asking how you got this way, she could help you get it together.

Your meds will help PLEASE PLEASE get them. Nothing is possible when we're deeply depressed. The manic states don't help us to live with any sanity.

Starting the band and school was probably not good timing, and you should let them know you can't continue - and have them postpone your hours... so that you can get yourself back together. Not going at all only makes you feel worse about yourself.

I know it's not just losing weight that makes it all better, even tho we feel like that's the magic ring to grasp.

I hope you will get your meds, give yourself time for them to "kick in" and try to do one thing a day. Force yourself, to put your clothes away. To take a walk. To take your shower. Do the dishes, let the Water and soap wash some of your tears away. Try to take 5 minutes To care about yourself. And keep posting - keep letting it out... and I know many others will be here for you too.

We are, after all, sisters in this struggle.

******

[jane73 0]

Dear Waterlily1072,

I'm so sorry your feeling this way. I too suffer from depression and only because of the medication do I feel sane. I have two girls to look after and sometimes I feel like I'm not a good mother.

Putting so much pressure on yourself is wearing you down emotionally and phsically. You need to think logically about things. Okay, so your weight loss is slow but your on track - that's great. It's probebly better than if you didn't have the band. My doctor informed me this is a 2 year process...2 YEARS OMG!!!!!!I didn't really want to hear that. I thought in

6 - 9 months I'll be 60kg... I don't think so...Each day is a struggle for me....

Tommorrow wake up and do one thing at a time. Take a shower, have a healthy Breakfast and keep telling yourself that "today I will take better care of myself ". A dirty house doesn't make you feel good but it's not the end of the world. Pick one room and start cleaning. Just clean one room a day, so your not overwhelmed by the whole process. Keep telling yourself it's going to get better, I can't feel any worse.

Your beauty course needs to be put on hold. I'm sure if you told them the truth they would understand.

Remember, your the only one that can get you out of this rut. I hope your days ahead will be more positive. I'm sure taking your meds will help tremendously to keep your moods more stabilsed. Hugs to you..

[TruBlueSue 0]

OMG, you are telling MY story, too. If it wasn't for my meds and a supportive hubby, I'd never do anything. My house was a wreck, my laundry is (still) not put away...at least its folded...lol...I hired someone to come in and clean my house once a week so I could let go of tha tresponsibility...I work 8.5 hours a day 5 days a week and just didn't want to be responsible for one more thing when I got home - that has helped a lot...my dh and my daughter (almost 3) don't get it but as long as Ican spend quality time with them and cook a dinner once in a while they are happy...

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Some people see the glass half full, some see it half empty.

You are seeing in totally empty.

You should be proud of yourself.

You have had the courage to do something about your situation. You have tried. You are not their yet, but at least you started the journey.

I have been banded for 4 years and I still have weight to lose. I am over half way there. My family thinks that I am a failure because I eat things that I should not, but losing 95 pounds is 95 pounds better than doing nothing.

Your husband is supporting you. Show him that you appreciate his support. You may not want to do anything for yourself, but do something for him to show him you appreciate him. Take a shower before he comes home from work and meet him at the door in your nicest negligee.

Let him see the progress that you have made and appreciate you, while you appreciate him. There is nothing that will make you feel any better than feeling close to someone that loves you.

Good luck, I know you can do it. :clap2:

[leatha_g 4]

God bless you. I sure understand and have been there. I've struggled with clinical depression all of my adult life. With medication, I have learned to manage it pretty well. I still have days, sometimes weeks that I fear going back into that deep dark hole, but somehow I've learned to see those signs and force myself (eventually) to do little things to bring me back out of it. I've found (for me) that something as simple as bathing and putting my makeup on and doing my hair, changes how I feel. I sometimes have to force myself outside of my house as the house begins to close in on me and it's too easy to just stay there and feel worse, so I have to move. Exercise truly does help me as well. If I stop it, I feel the depression returning in no time, not to mention my body becomes softer and doesn't manage my metabolism as well. Sometimes, just getting in the car and taking a drive helps. I've made myself go to the mall to just window shop and see other people out and about. Most of these things I didn't feel like doing, but the depression scares me more than doing these things. I'll often allow myself a couple of days of 'feeling sorry for myself and my lot in life', then I have to force myself to get moving or I'll go under for sure.

It's a terrible thing to deal with, but there really is hope. It really is possible to get to the other side, with the use of the medications available and the tools - exercise, self talk, etc. I truly hope you seek all help available. There is so much more out there for you. Try baby steps. It takes 30 days to create a habit. Keep us posted on how you're doing. We care..

[libra 13]

Waterlily, be proud of yourself. You see you're having a problem and you're doing something about it. That takes a great deal of strength and courage. Taking the step to make positive changes in your life is an honorable thing. Honey, you are so not a failure. Hang in there.

[cassie57 0]

i too know the depression but today i received the worst kick in the teeth ever, my husband is american and i am an aussie, we have been apart 2 years due to both our medical probs. i had gastric lap banding 7 weeks ago and was really starting to gain back confidence and self respect. today, my husbands Dr from VA Hosp called,, hubby is in critical condition and I cannot get there,plz plz my new american friends,,pray for him,,I cannot fly for many weeks due to other med probs,,,I really need this,,Carol

[Woodys 0]

Molly: You are well on your way to overcoming this situation with depression. Already you have acknowledged that the problem exists, why it exists and what you can do to take care of it.......now, put that into action.....TAKE CARE OF IT! Making an appointment to assess your meds is the most important step, reaching out to your support network is another very important step.....I am glad that you have done this.

You also need to rely on yourself to help "you". I have had my share of bouts with depression. I do not take meds.....maybe I should, but so far for 12 years I have managed without them.

Just as you are now, I also went through the phase where I was so down on myself that I lost the desire to get out of bed, to shower, to put clean clothes on, to clean my house, etc. Then....I woke up one day and realized that all I was thinking about was how depressed I was because I wasn't getting out of bed, I wasn't showering, etc....it was totally consuming me. I realized that I was my own worst enemy. Everything I was depressed about I was causing and it just continued to build upon itself.

The only answer to this problem was me! I had two choices....keep going they way I was with absolutely no quality of life....I felt sorry for my husband having to experience this so then the worry also set in, we couldn't have visitors because of the state of my house, not even my husbands kids....I didn't want anyone around me....OR.....I could get the F*** out of bed and do something about it and stop torturing myself....when I look back on this episode in my life I do refer to it as self torture.

It took a lot....it wasn't easy, but I was so disgusted with myself.....I got back on track within a couple of days...it wasn't perfect but gradually it got better and better.....and I vowed never ever to do that to myself again.

If your problem will be fixed with meds......get er done!

Carol

[Teresita 0]

waterlilly you are so young and so full of life. Don't let it pass you by. Depression hits everyone at some point or another but just remember that This to shall pass. No matter what is wrong tomorrow brings a brand new chance to do it again, to do it better. Don't worry about everything at one time. Pick one thing that would make you happy and do it. You have to let people into your world so they can help. I'm in MD if you are anywhere near me I will help do the laundry. : ) smile just for a little while today and it will get easier tomorrow.

cassie57 I'm sorry about your husband. Is that VA virginia or veterans?

[CCBSTX 0]

Molly, I am so glad that you came here for support! I am also glad that you have an appointment Friday regarding meds!

Don't stop there! Get a recommendation, from your doctor, for a good counselor/psychologist. It sounds like depression, at one point or another, has always been in your life. Learning how to deal with stress, anxiety (a precursor to depression) will be a key.

I went through a moderate depression, which gradually occurred post-banding. This summer was the worst! Thanks to my counselor and myself, I am on a better road.

Weight loss was my trigger to depression. It brings up many issues with food, plus your body is going through change.

Take care. Shawn

[Kelliebelly 13]

Hi

I am on Effexor for depression and have been for about 6 yrs. I have been through alot in my life and I think I was going to be prone to depression anyway.

I always thought losing weight would make me happy, everything would be perfect no more "down days". I was wrong, I still have my down days, I still have my down weeks. Dh is really supportive but at times has mentioned its like walking on eggshells with me.

I dont know what brings my depressions on, it can be nothing or it could be something, all I know is I hate it. I love life when I am happy, nothing can bring me down. I look foward to things, I am excited and fun to be around. When I get depressed I find there is nothing to look foward too, nothing motivates me and I turn into an unhappy, almost unbearable wet mop. It is alot more under control than what it used to be, but it still happens.

This really isnt the advice you were looking for, but hopefully support to show you are not alone, there is alot of us out here feeling the same way.

Like someone said when youre down and things are hard, just take it one step at a time. I once read the best thing to do when you get up in the morning as soon as you rise is to shower, get dressed and put your shoes on. Its suppose to make you feel like doing something once you have done that. I dont know if it works or not because I am someone who wanders around in her jammies till 10am lol.

Big Hugs

[Josette 2]

Kellie... the qoute on the bottom if your msg is SO true!!!

During times of stress, troubles and trials a thing good to remember is to take one day at a time. We don't need to worry about the past. It's already done. We don't need to worry about the future, it's not here yet. JUST TODAY. If we can learn to make the best of each day and in really difficult times just make it through this day.. one day at a time.. we will make it.

Molly,

Hang in there girl! I've been very depressed lately too. With hubby losing his job with Ford we are struggling financially already and the anniversary of mom's death is coming up. I'm eating so much stuff that's not good for me and I tell myself "atleast I'm not eating as much as I used too and I'll only do it until after the anniversary" BLAH! I'm in denial huh? Can I come over and we'll hang out in our Jammies??? Hang in there girl... it'll get better!

[green 6]

Hello Waterlily, I, too, am a depressive or a bi-polar depending on which one of my zookeepers you speak to. Depression runs in my family and both myself and my eldest niece seem to have an extra generous helping of it. I have been seeing people for this since I was a teenager, and have been on various types of medication without a break since I was 34. I am 57 now and have been off work for 3 and a half years with a major

depression.

I am only now starting to feel better but I was in the same space as you are in for a very long time. My advice to you is this. First of all you must understand that you are very ill and that it is not your fault. You have faulty brain chemistry and are not a bad person. Keep remembering not to blame yourself when you and your house get dirty. This is a result of your illness. Second, on a day when you are feeling stronger than usual phone the folks that run your course and explain that you must drop out at this time for medical reasons. I myself had to drop out of a jewellery making course while I was in your condition. Third, and this is most important, you must get medical help. You need to be on medication and it is possible that it will take time before they find the right combination of meds for you. I have seen two psychiatrists on a regular basis in addition to being assessed 4 times. I have tried a lot of different drugs including some that made me feel worse. The place for you to start is with a good family doc since it is he or she who will be referring you to specialists and he or she who will have your back if your specialist behaves like an a**hole. And, if you don't have good medical coverage, your GP can work with you in lieu of a shrink to find the right drug combo. (Mine is celexa, wellbutrin, risperdone and topamax.) Another thing that you must do is explain the situation to your mate. He sounds from your post like a good and understanding man, by the way. Tell him that you are very ill, that you can't take care of yourself or the house and that he will have to be very patient with you and do a lot of helping out. Your depression is very serious. I feel for you. I've worn this t-shirt.

[green 6]

Hello Waterlily, I, too, am a depressive or a bi-polar depending on which one of my zookeepers you speak to. Depression runs in my family and both myself and my eldest niece seem to have an extra generous helping of it. I have been seeing people for this since I was a teenager, and have been on various types of medication without a break since I was 34. I am 57 now and have been off work for 3 and a half years with a major

depression.

I am only now starting to feel better but I was in the same space as you are in for a very long time. My advice to you is this. First of all you must understand that you are very ill and that it is not your fault. You have faulty brain chemistry and are not a bad person. Keep remembering not to blame yourself when you and your house get dirty. This is a result of your illness. Second, on a day when you are feeling stronger than usual phone the folks that run your course and explain that you must drop out at this time for medical reasons. I myself had to drop out of a jewellery making course while I was in your condition. Third, and this is most important, you must get medical help. You need to be on medication and it is possible that it will take time before they find the right combination of meds for you. I have seen two psychiatrists on a regular basis in addition to being assessed 4 times. I have tried a lot of different drugs including some that made me feel worse. The place for you to start is with a good family doc since it is he or she who will be referring you to specialists and he or she who will have your back if your specialist behaves like an a**hole. And, if you don't have good medical coverage, your GP can work with you in lieu of a shrink to find the right drug combo. (Mine is celexa, wellbutrin, risperdone and topamax.) Another thing that you must do is explain the situation to your mate. He sounds from your post like a good and understanding man, by the way. Tell him that you are very ill, that you can't take care of yourself or the house and that he will have to be very patient with you and do a lot of helping out. Your depression is very serious. I feel for you. I've worn this t-shirt.