Last Supper Syndrome

[donali 57]

You guys are going to so laugh, but guess what?

I'm having feelings of "last supper syndrome" before LOSING my band!!!! OMG!!! WTF?!?!?! :D

Check out how this is "working" in my wee little brain.

I find myself thinking, "I should eat some of that NOW, while my band can stop me before I go overboard, 'cause I'm afraid LATER I won't be able to stop at a reasonable amount."

My tummy's feeling tender (I'm sure psychosomatic - or just psycho!), so I haven't been eating hardly anything since Saturday. But last night Mom had ordered pizza, and my sis had made caramel popcorn with peanuts. So I'm thinking I don't really need the caramel popcorn, and pizza is one of my trigger foods (pre-band), so I was just going to have one piece of pizza. But I decided to at least taste the caramel popcorn (which was REALLY good!), and decided while I was having a small portion that I would just go ahead and eat as much as I wanted of both, as I only have a few days left that I can eat as much as I WANT.

AH HA!! See, just writing this out for you guys I actually wrote one of the keys to my eating problem - "Eating as much as I WANT." That's what I'm going to miss the most about the band - eating as much as I want, and having it still be the "right" amount for weightloss.

Before being banded, I was afraid I would not be able to EAT AS MUCH AS I WANTED, so I was bingeing.

OMG. I think this may be the biggest key to my particular eating disorder. It is really really really important to me to EAT AS MUCH AS I WANT. The amount of food that actually turns out to be is immaterial.

Without the band, how do I get to EAT AS MUCH AS I WANT without eating more calories than my body needs???????????

Since I doubt I will be able to solve that dilemma, the next obvious solution would be to find a way to let go of WANTING to eat as much as I want.

Stay tuned for more scintillating trivia... lol

[marsha 0]

Donali,

You make me laugh...but it also makes sence to me ...which makes it even more funny!

I did notice that in spite of " eating as much as you want" , you are almost ready to join the century club!!!!!!!!!!

Marsha

[hagerteresa 3]

Donali,

Can't you just go thru life pretending you STILL have the band? Honestly I don't know what you mean when you have described your 'letting the band control how much you eat'. Maybe its just because I haven't had a fill yet, but honestly I am still losing great and don't feel I need one yet. At meal time I'll usually dish up my plate with reasonable quantities and thats the end of it. I don't eat no more or no less. Other times I'll eat directly out of a container with too much in it and I still am able to easily put it away when I have had my allowed amount. Don't get me wrong, I love food; but for some odd reason I just find it easier to quit eating once my hunger pains have diminished. I have gotten a good full feeling on several occassions but not all the time. I don't know if it was exactly what Lisa described her newest feeling to be like though. I have been meaning to ask you about this for awhile. Donali you have always sounded very educated and strong to me. I know post band it will feel different but keep the faith. You have learned a lot the last year and a half. Use the persuasive power of your mind too. You most definitely CAN continue to lose weight and meet your goal. I don't think it will be as hard as it was before you had the band. You have totally changed your behavior pattern. I have done so myself. If I would have done all the things I am doing now before the band, I am sure I would have probably succeeded. By the way, I totally got over the soda withdrawl. What do THEY put in that stuff? McDonalds must have found the same magic addiction seasoning:) Best wishes to you, Teresa

5/8/04

Dr. Lopez

362/330/?

[donali 57]

Can't you just go thru life pretending you STILL have the band?

Do you think you could if you were unbanded today?

What is different for you now than before banding? The absence of hunger. Without your band, that hunger will return.

Do you really think that without your band would would still get that nice full feeling off the amounts of food you are eating now?

[Alexandra 55]

Donali, you are really on to something here. Were you heavy as a child? Did your parents dole out food like it was made of precious gems? Mine did, and I know in my soul that is a big part of my lifelong obesity. I was always fed smaller portions and told no seconds and no dessert, while other members of my family had both. There were never any surprises or treats for me, and even fruit was one-at-a-time and no more. So I'm always subconsciously worried there won't be any more when I want it.

(As a child I fantasized about having kitchen with well-stocked cupboards. My mom would only buy the bare necessities for evening meals for a few days and then go shopping again. This may have been due to her being a depression child, or the daughter of Quakers, I don't know, but it sure felt like punishment to me.)

Now that I'm a comfortably-off adult it's really time to readjust that worldview. You're absolutely right--it's the WANTING that has to be turned off, and we have to learn to do it by ourselves. Wish I knew how...

[hagerteresa 3]

I don't know Donali. I had horrible eating habits before the band. I have never binged but I did believe a serving was more than now too. I would eat 2-3 peices of pizza. I haven't had pizza yet since getting the band but would now be able to happily stick to one slice. Its the fact that we CAN still have the things we like and keep it in small portions that is nice about the band. But in general, I NEVER drank a gallon of Water EVERY DAY pre-band, I ALWAYS drank with meals. Double fisted even! A soda at one side of my plate and a glass of water on the other. I NEVER ate Breakfast and could eat a house at lunch. I now always eat something for breakfast and only want to eat a small shack at lunch. Donali, I didn't mean to be offensive or sound righteous or anything. You do have a tough road ahead and I feel for you a lot. Like most people, I finally feel like I have some hope with the band. I just think that you will be successful because you have changed many of your habits. Won't your tummy have shrunk during all of this??? I know it is scary for you. I would be scared too. Sorry, Teresa

[donali 57]

Teresa, I wasn't offended. I'm sorry if my reply seemed curt.

What you describe for yourself is the beauty of the band - everything becomes easier. It's hard to pinpoint why, exactly, because I think a lot of our eating pre-band was done subconsciously, without a lot of analysing why. We thought to eat, and we did. If there was no physical reason to stop, like we were so full we could not eat another bite, or ran out of the food we were eating, we just kept eating. I don't know why I'm saying "we" - just substitute "I" in there so I don't have to go back and retype it.

For me I feel like eating healthier was easier because I didn't seem as obsessed with food. Plus, there were some things that were just too much trouble to eat, or didn't taste as good chewed a billion times. I honestly THINK that my actual hunger switch got nudged off. It would come back on at appropriate times, but then would get turned off again. Pre-banding, it seemed as though the switch only got turned off if I was so full I felt sick, or if I was very angry.

Then there is the phenomenon even post-banding where I knew that I couldn't fit another bite in, but my mind was screaming to eat. I knew I wasn't physically hungry, and it didn't seem like psychological hunger. I think that was the compulsive part. A compulsion is not necessarily driven by an event. So for me, I think my morbid obesity problem had the following factors:

1. Satiety defect (physical dysfunction of the "full" feeling)

2. Emotional hunger (eating in response to uncomfortable feelings, usually seeking some sort of sedation affect, or for entertainment)

3. Compulsion (the drive to eat in spite of the absence of hunger, like people who have to wash their hands multiple times a day, or who have to check that they really locked the door 10 times before they can leave the house)

4. The genuine enjoyment of the taste of food and the eating process, including the pleasureable social situations that tend to revolve around food. I associated food with pleasure, love, family, a sense of well being and safety.

5. Fear of not having enough, fear of going hungry (this fear seems to affect other aspects of my life, like my packrat tendencies. On some level I would think my fear of not having enough food, or enough money, or enough things is on par with hoarding syndrome)

Somehow the band made it a lot less complicated. I am hoping that once it's gone the factors somehow remain toned down. I have different habits now, but they are enforced every day by the band. Not in a harsh way - my journey has been extremely comfortable. I don't feel like I really had to try to lose this weight. I felt similarly in control the year I was on Meridia - so I do think that #1 on my list is the major culprit, and 2-5 were opportunistic behaviours.

Alexandra, I'm not sure why I felt like I was not going to get enough. We never had to go hungry as kids - if what Mom made for dinner got eaten all up and we were still hungry, there was always Peanut Butter and bread, or Cereal, or something. I think the fear started when Mom started to try to lose weight (about 2nd/3rd grade for me?), and she made comments that if we kept eating the way we did we would get so big we wouldn't be able to fit through the bathroom door. I truly think that is when I started sneaking food.

I was a little chubby as a child and through Jr High, but not horribly so. My mentor in Jr High was over 300 pounds, and that's when I started dieting with her, and becoming obsessed over my weight. That's also when I started eating fast food, and other less nutritious choices - I started eating like she did. That's when my weight really started to tumble out of control. Add to the mix that it became an extremely complicated emotional situation, and suffice it to say I had no one and nothing to turn to for help but food. I genuinely believe my path to morbid obesity began then, at the age of 13.

Now, 30 years later, I am hoping to have turned the corner on some of these things. Once I am unbanded I will have a better idea on how much physical help I will still need.

I do thank everyone for their encouragement, and their suggestions.

[donali 57]

As a child I fantasized about having kitchen with well-stocked cupboards.

As a child I fantasized that someone would lock me in a room with everything I needed and shove only the amount of food I should eat under the door three times a day.

[hagerteresa 3]

When I was 16 I sold my horse to pay a dentist to wire my teeth shut for a year. Well I am not skinny now so you can figure out how that all turned out. I did have it done, did lose over a 100 lbs but of course gained it all back once they were undone. Lame... Life sucked in my school years but I did have a couple of friends I had all those years. After we graduated we kind of all went our seperate ways though. We all live in the same town but almost NEVER talk. Since pre-college school, life has gotten much better. I love my job, love my husband, enjoyed most of my college professors and have had a wonderful adult life with the one exception of my weight.

When you explain it Donali it all sounds 100% accurate. The band does make it easier. I just think that you will be a wiser person having had some of the band discipline the last year and a half. I like everyone else is a bit worried for you but also very confident in you. Teresa

[New Hope 37]

food is a necessary evil. We can't live without it. But it's so easy to let it take over our lives. With smoking, drinking, drugs, etc, you don't have to have those things to provide sustinance. Food gives us comfort, happy memories, times that we cherish spent with others. I still have to fight the urge to be sure the pantry is full. That is such a great sense of security to me, more so than having thousands and thousands of dollars in the bank I think we are using this band as a tool to handle those out of control urges. This is a training session. We will be expected to be more and more self-reliant. Donali is just getting a head start on the rest of us. We'll still need her brilliance to guide us through our own treacherous maze

[donali 57]

Teresa, that's so sad that you had to sell your horse. :D

I've wanted one ever since I was about 7.

[hagerteresa 3]

Yeah, selling my horse stunk. She was a good girl but she also went to a good home. They bred her the following year and she had a beautiful foal. I was the luckiest little girl at times. For my 4th birthday my parents took me to a pony farm and I got to pick any pony out of the field I wanted. I think they helped guide me into picking a little 4 month old baby we named applejack. He was so tiny we fit him in the back of a Willies Jeep. Unfortunately he got killed a few years later. It was devastating to me for years. My mom was in the hospital for a week when she had my baby brother and I had to stay at some family friends. Dad was staying at our house taking care of the pets. My pony got very lonely without me there and jumped the fence and got hit by a car. Had to be put to sleep.

Childhood had its ups and downs. Life was very hard on my parents. My older brother died of a rare form of cancer when I was 2 and he was 7, and when my most beloved grandmother came for the funeral they accidently drove over an icy cliff. She died. My parents have been affected by these events for life. They divorced when I was about 8 or 9. I was able to live in the same house almost my entire life. From 2 to 21 years old. We lived in the country and always had a farm like atmosphere. I was in FFA and raised pigs. My animal science teacher raised sheep so I would hand raise bummer lambs (orphans) for him every year. I love animals.

After my pony died I went about 6 years horseless and then I bought (saved my allowance and he was a whopping $120) another baby colt who I raised and helped train. When he was about 4, I traded him for the mare I later sold. Ends up he made a great polo pony. He was a little too frisky for me and I wanted something I could relax around more. My dad got horses again about the same time I got the colt, so we always had 4-5 horses after that. My dad now lives in New Mexico and only has two horses and I am very horseless right now and have been for many many years. I want another one desperately. My goal is to use my first teaching pay check to get one once I get my masters and a teaching job. One of the main reasons I want to lose weight so I'll be more fit when I can get one. I don't want to have to worry about falling off and being permanently wounded. I was heavy when I used to ride (we still occassionally rent horses to ride too) and my balance was and is poor. I just want to be a better rider. Oops I went on and on. Needless to say, I love horses... I always am thinking/ daydreaming about what I will want when I can get one. LOL. T

[donali 57]

Teresa -

My heart breaks for you and your family, and the sorrows you all have suffered.

Losing my band is nothing compared to stuff like that. I am so grateful...

***hugs***

[hagerteresa 3]

We have all dealt with everything the best anybody could. It happened a long time ago. It was my dad's mom who was killed and every january my dad gets very depressed, but the rest of the family deals with it in their own way. We are all very well adjusted. I think everybody has had certain challenges and sadnesses in their past. Some far worse than mine. I have a wonderful, very tight knit family. My dad is the nomad of all of us and can't seem to live in one place very long. He is a 30 year experienced machinist so he never has a hard time finding work. All in all I am a very happy down to earth person. I live in the cutest town with a population of 911 people, 14 full time police officers and zero crime. I have met the whole town in the past 8 years I have lived here. It is only 5 minutes from the Eugene/ Springfield area which has a pop. of 200,000 so its very convenient for work and school.

[New Hope 37]

Teresa, sounds like you live in a wonderful place (for a wonderful person.) You deserve to be happy! (And now you're working on being healthy.)