Lies, porno, and fidelity

[winner 0]

So, today I turned on the tv and it went to a porno channel. I asked my hubby (of 15 years) about this and he tries to tell me that he just came across it channel surfing. Hmmmmm. So, I check the purchases on tivo, and, guess what? Many porno movies were bought in the past months. All without my knowledge.

Believe it or not, I'm not a prude. I'm unhappy that he needs to watch porno in private to "reduce stress".

I'm thouroughly bent out of shape about the lies occuring for so long. He tried real hard to lie his way out of this one. I can't help but worry there are other lies out there.

What now?

[sugarplum 0]

TELL HIM U DONT MIND HIM WATCHING PORN AND IT MIGHT BE NICE 4 U 2 WATCH IT TOGETHER AS A COUPLE MANY COUPLES DO ! MAYBE HE THINKS YOUR NOT AS OPENED MINDED AS HIM SO FEELS THE NEED 2 WATCH ALONE! TALK 2 HIM ABOUT IT U MAY BE SUPRISED AT WHAT HE HAS TO SAY. GOOD LUCK.

[Alexandra 55]

What now? Only you can answer that. There's obviously too little context for anyone else to provide insight. Is your relationship good in general? Do you have any reason to believe he lies to you about anything else? Is it possible that he has been lying out of a misguided attempt to spare your feelings? How's your sexual relationship?Could this be about money as well as porn? How much has he spent?

Talking it through, with him, is the only way you're going to find out anything more. Good luck and I hope it works out well!

[Teresita 0]

There are always other lies out there but do you really want to know. You can tell him how you feel so he can continue to keep them from you or you can be a part of it. Tell him to give you the money he was spending on the shows and you give him a show. He is a man, that should last what, 5 to 10 minutes. LOL

Hopefully you guys have a open relationship where you guys can talk, so just try to talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Discuss it

Discuss it

and Discuss it some more.

Don't accuse.

Ask.

Listen.

Listen when you think you need to explode. Then listen some more while you count to 10 or 100.

Most women do not understand how afraid men are of their wives. That is often why they do things in secret. A man can be 6'5" 250 pounds of muscle, married to a 5'4" 125 pound women and he still fears her. Not for her physical prowess, but men hate to have women angry at them. Showing a lot of anger will drive him away and further underground. If you want to get him out of his habits of keeping things from you, you must decide to forgive him before you discuss the porno problem with him any further. Men are little boys with large bodies. They hated it when their mother yelled at them. They hate it when their wives yell at them.

Do not go into this discussion with the idea that there must be another woman in the picture. Men like porno and are not ashamed that they like it. Many women like porno, but only some women can admit and do admit that they like it.

If you like porno or do not mind looking at it with your husband, you may find that this problem may spice up your marriage and make it stronger in the long run.

Good luck!!

[HarleyNana 10]

Hopefully he's just embarrassed. If he's lying about other stuff, as a wife, I think you would/should know. I can look at my DH and tell if he's lying, b4 he opens his mouth, LOL. 38 yrs experience!

[green 6]

I wouldn't get too bent out of shape about this if I were you as long as the rest of your marriage is in good shape. Many men who would never stray in real life do enjoy a fantasy life. Just as some women enjoy reading romances, some men enjoy watching porn. Men are configured differently from us; they like to look. This being said, the suggestion that you ask if you might watch a porn flick or two with him is a good one. However, it may be something in the way of a private pleasure for him, and we all need our private pleasures.

My own husband occasionally goes to the local strip joint for a beer or two, and he will look at girls over the internet late at night after his work shift is over. He is quite open about this and I have been around men - I work in the aircraft industry - to know that this is par for the course. As he says, "I like to look," and in all other ways he is a great mate. If you've got yourself a good man, then try to absorb his porn habit. It seems to be a guy thing.

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

There once as a couple who had been living in a marriage made in Hell for about 10 years. She feared him because he was a big physical specimen and he feared her because he hated being chastised by her. Neither knew of the other's fear, so they were each always on the offense to hide their fears. He yelled to show his manhood and she hid inside a shell to hurt him by making him feel lonely and abandoned.

They finally got to the point where they considered divorce, even though they had children. When they discussed the issues that would have to be resolved so that they could get divorced and move on with their lives, each learned things about the other which had always been kept inside. He said, "How could you ever think that I would hit you? I love you so much." And she replied, "Why would you ever think that I would yell at you like you were a child? I love you too much."

That started a discussion that led them away from discussing how to part and lead to discussing ways about how to stay together happily. They both agreed to be more open. They lived at least another 30 years as a happy couple, not perfect, not trouble-free, but together and happy.

This is not a fairy tale. If you don't believe me, ask their grandchildren.

[CCBSTX 0]

As others have mentioned, it's hard to tell w/limited info. about the status of your relationship. Talking and listening is mandatory. Tell him how you feel, and allow him space to share as well. Do this when you feel semi-calm.

Ask yourself, is this interfering in the marriage? Some folks do become addicted to porno and find it difficult to perfom without. Some are able to occasionally view. It is up to you as a couple.

Take care and good luck. Shawn