Venting!

[mom2five 292]

Sorry if I shouldn't do this here..

I've been thinking about my future surgery a lot. I haven't even met with the surgeon yet. My appt is sept 11. I daydream about what it will be like when I lose all this weight. When I talk to my hubby about how awesome it will be, he always says he thinks I will leave him for another man when I get thin. This upsets me so much.

Don't get me wrong, he supports my decision to have the surgery. He was actually part of helping make the decision. He wants me to get healthy and look and feel better. He is just so insecure!!

It is annoying that he thinks I will fall all over myself if I get attention from men. Like if a man flirts with me, I will jump in bed with him. I wish he had more faith in me than that. I have never been unfaithful to him!

I think of being able to have better sex with HIM because the fat won't be in the way. I think of looking good for HIM and really turning him on... Not other men! I have no desire to destroy my family like that. I've already been through one divorce. I know what it's like and what it does to the kids.

I just hope he learns to deal with this because I'm not going to enjoy being accused or not trusted every time I leave the house.

Thoughts?

height : 5 ft, weight: 270, BMI: 53 Cant wait to get sleeved!

[Vixkey 40]

I had the same problem w my 5yr Boyfriend he still keeps telling me the same thing and constantly reminds me and hes really jealous he didn't really want me to get my surgery but i still did hes very selfish thinking of his benefits only even tho he said he supports me and all that he still said ur gonna leave me that meant he secretly didn't want me to get the surgery but i told him look as long as you keep doing everything good and keep loving me i ain't going no where..... I mean yes we probably will get more attention from the other sex but that doesn't mean we will be paying attention to them.... Tell him to suck it up get his mind out of all that nonsense and think of all the positive things hes gonna get out of it! lol ur married to him for a reason because ur heart belongs to him and you looking better wont change that... the most important thing here is your health...

[ouroborous 519]

Well, to be honest, this kind of behavior is very manipulative and controlling, not to mention passive-aggressive. If you don't confront and address it now, you're probably going to have to keep dealing with it. In fact, he's quite likely to start trying to sabotage you to make you "safe" for him again. Not cool. Real love goes on even if the object of our love isn't with us anymore. In other words, real love -- as opposed to jealous, fearful clinging -- doesn't require that we be the center of attention, and real love is happy for the object of love's happiness, instead of trying to sabotage it to make the other person feel safe.

Honestly, I'd recommend marriage counseling. This is That Big of a Deal.

[notime 340]

The word "therapy" comes to mind. How about going with him to see a therapist about the problem? It doesn't sound as though you will be able to convince him out of his insecurities. Therapy may help him deal with his problems and may help you deal with him. Good luck and please seek out professional help. Congratulations on having made the decision to improve your health and quality of life.

[Izuri 428]

From your post it sounded like you are seeing that he doesn't trust you. I wonder if maybe it's that he is insecure and feels poorly about his self image more than it really has anything to do with not trusting you. I know it comes out that way, but I could see it stemming mostly from the fact that he doesn't feel as good looking and wonders if maybe he won't be up to par when you're skinny and feeling great. I'm not married, but I could imagine myself feeling this way if the situation was reversed for me.

While it's obviously not true that you're going to leave him, and he should be more supportive, I can empathize with that feeling. Especially if he's at all overweight or has some specific thing he's insecure about. Do you think you'd be willing to show him this post? Maybe it will be a good way to start opening the lines of communication to figure out what the real issue is. Or when you're daydreaming, try and keep him included in what you tell him (You might be, so I'm sorry if I'm incorrect on that), like how you can't wait until you both can do xyz together and you can keep up. Or that you wanna try this new thing in bed and you think it's gonna be a ton of fun for the both of you when you lose weight. Or make a list of things that you both will be able to do together once you're healthier that you'd have a hard time doing now.

I know that leaves a lot of the responsibility on you, but hopefully if you can get that communication going he will see that he has nothing to worry about except supporting his awesome wife and he will step up to the plate. If that doesn't help, maybe marriage counseling?