Quit Kidding Yourself!

[smitten4glitter 5]

Again here I sit after having the same insane conversation with myself that I've had a BILLION!!! times, it makes me feel so CRAZY and disfunctional to have this same exact internal conversation, as to should I have this or shouldn't I have this wls. I must admit I was like...yup it's time seriously..it's time to have it done, I had abandoned all fear and thought to myself..self you can do this you NEED to do this your so young, blah blah blah. Then I read a post that for the life of me I CANT ESCAPE!!!! I don't know how to do all that cool stuff where you attach the thread sorry:( but anyhow the woman is pretty much in hell trying to recover from her surgery and has been an unfortunate 1%'er. So I have slowly slipped back into the I can just work out and eat better..ha who am I kidding? I know I want this sooo bad and need this soo bad but I just can not rationalize putting myself and my family through this. It's only the 3 of us my hubby and awesome 11 y/o daughter who has finally accepted that things will be good for me if I do this. I'm realizng that my own loss of my Mother has me paralyzed with fear that I could leave my daughter Motherless or caring for a mother way to early in her young life. For the most part I'm very hea;thy other than the weight thing;) and I know many of you will comment that I could get hit by a car and die that way, or that I could die from a comorbidty related diease. Urrghh I'm so tired of being so tired and pretty much don't want to give up but really who am I kidding. I'm ready to do this but soooooo terribly scared what "doing this" could mean for my family and me if things don't go as planned. Anyone out there that can shed some light or expereince I would appreciate. I have been off the baords for a week or so becuase i'm just so confused? thx

[Guest deleted_user]

I feel you! I was also battling to decide for a while. Here is my experience and I hope it helps:

I am a little over 3 weeks post-op and I'm realizing that there is one thing people on this forum (with all due respect) won't admit. It's simple but many of us don't want to say that we have an excessive psychological connection with food, and that fixing that relationship may be much better that cutting 85% of our stomach out.

This surgery isn't as simple as everyone says here (when I was reading this forum pre-op) and there are many things that there isn't much information about here too (like the painful drainer and annoying pimples under your incisions, etc...) You follow people as they decide and then see them commenting, "Yay, I'm sleeved and I don't feel much pain" and you think, "Wow, that's encouraging!" But that's not to blame anyone here. We're all on pain medication after and some people have complications and some don't. I had surgery the same day as 3 other people and they were eating 3 bowls of broth, drinking 2 bottles of Water and having 2 popsicles the first day (some ordered even more stuff) and I was vomiting for 4 days, so you may be one of those who have no trouble -- I hope so!

I've had to take a hard look at my life after surgery (nothing like before surgery) and realize that I became overweight because of certain things that happened when I was 17 that isolated me and made me turn to food for comfort. I now also realize that if I can psychologically resolve those issues or understand them better, that doing so alone will empower me to rid myself of the self abuse I engage in using food. This surgery will help you eat better, true. I've lost 20 lbs in a month (counting my 2 week pre-op diet) and yes, I'm in a stall now and I messed up eating solids way too early... But one of my regrets, aside from a minor complication I had and I might have to live with heartburn and medication for it for the rest of my life, is that if I would have dealt with my psychological issues (the root of the problem) not only would I have probably lost the weight without WLS but getting to goal and staying there would have allowed me to gain much self respect (the opposite of what caused my problem) -- self abuse. I would have probably been in much better health (especially since, like me pre-op, you don't have any, thank God) and I probably wouldn't be living on supplements either.

I encourage you to think about the root of the problem. I've always been very strong mentally (accomplishing things people who are much older are nowhere near), so that makes me wish I would have used a mental approach to tackle my messed up relationship with food first vs. an evasive/permanent surgical approach. Maybe I would have reached a resolution mentally and wouldn't have needed to mutilate my digestive system to help myself.

I'm sorry if this sounds too depressing or discouraging but I am being brutally honest.

[traceyinflorida 499]

I can't make a decision for you, but I can shed some light on my thought process as I had the same thoughts and fears you did. I went around and around with this for more than two years. I was really scared of the small, but real possibility that something could go wrong. I have two children and a husband who is disabled with muscular dystrophy. He is completely dependent on me for all things. While he is a wonderful husband and father, he cannot drive the kids around to their activities, or get himself to their stuff. If something happened to me, it would be devastating to my family beyond just the loss of a mother. I was 272 lbs when I finally made my decision. I had no other co morbitities other than some mild sleep apnea. But the reality is, the chances of my having a heart attack, or developing diabetes and all the complications that go with it are much higher than 1%!! Then where would I be, and where would that leave them? I was only living half my life....if even that. I tried doing it on my own, but the reality has always been, I would have some success and then gain it all back plus an extra ten pounds for good measure. I finally decided enough was enough. I did my research, found a really good surgeon who has logged several hundred of the proceedure I was doing. It was time to give my trust to GOD, the surgeon and his team. I figured if it was my time, then it would be my time one way or another regardless if I went through the surgery or not. I was part of the 99.9% where everything goes right. I have read the posts of people who have had terrible complications. My heart goes out to them. I also see how that can really scare someone who is still deciding. But, now that I have done this and taken the chance, I am so happy that I did. I have undone over 15 years of weight gain in just three months. I am finally eating healthy and feeding my family healthy and enjoying it. I still have just a little under half way to go, but I now know it is doable! I have so much more energy for my family and feel like I am living life again. Yes, there is some risk, but it is a calculated and small risk to take, with huge gains on the other side.

[Scully 49]

I feel you! I was also battling to decide for a while. Here is my experience and I hope it helps:

I am a little over 3 weeks post-op and I'm realizing that there is one thing people on this forum (with all due respect) won't admit. It's simple but many of us don't want to say that we have an excessive psychological connection with food, and that fixing that relationship may be much better that cutting 85% of our stomach out.

This surgery isn't as simple as everyone says here (when I was reading this forum pre-op) and there are many things that there isn't much information about here too (like the painful drainer and annoying pimples under your incisions, etc...) You follow people as they decide and then see them commenting, "Yay, I'm sleeved and I don't feel much pain" and you think, "Wow, that's encouraging!" But that's not to blame anyone here. We're all on pain medication after and some people have complications and some don't. I had surgery the same day as 3 other people and they were eating 3 bowls of broth, drinking 2 bottles of Water and having 2 popsicles the first day (some ordered even more stuff) and I was vomiting for 4 days, so you may be one of those who have no trouble -- I hope so!

I've had to take a hard look at my life after surgery (nothing like before surgery) and realize that I became overweight because of certain things that happened when I was 17 that isolated me and made me turn to food for comfort. I now also realize that if I can psychologically resolve those issues or understand them better, that doing so alone will empower me to rid myself of the self abuse I engage in using food. This surgery will help you eat better, true. I've lost 20 lbs in a month (counting my 2 week pre-op diet) and yes, I'm in a stall now and I messed up eating solids way too early... But one of my regrets, aside from a minor complication I had and I might have to live with heartburn and medication for it for the rest of my life, is that if I would have dealt with my psychological issues (the root of the problem) not only would I have probably lost the weight without WLS but getting to goal and staying there would have allowed me to gain much self respect (the opposite of what caused my problem) -- self abuse. I would have probably been in much better health (especially since, like me pre-op, you don't have any, thank God) and I probably wouldn't be living on supplements either.

I encourage you to think about the root of the problem. I've always been very strong mentally (accomplishing things people who are much older are nowhere near), so that makes me wish I would have used a mental approach to tackle my messed up relationship with food first vs. an evasive/permanent surgical approach. Maybe I would have reached a resolution mentally and wouldn't have needed to mutilate my digestive system to help myself.

I'm sorry if this sounds too depressing or discouraging but I am being brutally honest.

I agree. I spent many months in therapy working on my emotional eating prior to even considering surgery. I came to the realization that I needed physical support and negative reinforcement to get the job done. I need to feel the pain of eating too much with my tiny tummy. I need to address the feelings that arise when I don't have my comfort food. This change is hard -- emotionally. I admit that I had a complication-free surgery and recovery so far is difficult but doable. With my new tool in place, I continue to work with my therapist on food.

I wish you the best in deciding what is right for you and your family - physically and emotionally.

[NickyD 45]

I hope this helps your mind to settle:-

I am 31 and I lost my mother to cancer the day after my 30th birthday! My whole family is devastated by this loss. She was diagnosed with lung cancer in October 2010 and it's so hard to hear as of course she smoked! I immediately felt the strain of my weight-I have 2 young daughters and I would feel so so guilty if I became I'll because of being obese so god know how my mother felt about her illness. I immediately started Lighter Life diet and lost 4 stone-but when my mum died in the May, I just couldn't maintain not eating and feeling miserable about it. I put on all the weight loss and more and my weight rose to over 17 stone! Then I was lucky enough that my Aunt offered me the money to have surgery!

I dived in straight away so I didn't have time to think too much and I ignored everyone's concerns or thoughts of it being too drastic my BMI was around 37-38 so did not qualify for free treatment!

I ignored everyone who thought I was irresponsible doing it with young kids and now I know I was right to! All I could think was how much I wanted to do this for my kids to make sure I was healthy for them!!

I'm about 5 weeks post-op and don't have a single regret! I'm down to under 15 stone, 2 dress sizes smaller and feel healthier and happier an know that I have kicked into touch my fears about becoming ill from my weight and leaving my beautiful girls to suffer without me as I now suffer without my mum! Sure-as you say-could get hit by a bus tomorrow-but I know I am doing everything in my power to be a healthy mum who will be there as long as possible for my kids!!

Yes the first week was hard-yes I thought it might be better to just be fat-but each day gets so much easier and food is no longer my life or my emotional guidance buddy-it's something I eat to be healthy in small amounts and nutritious ways!

Best decision I ever made for me and my girls! Only wish my mum could have had an operation years ago to take away her smoking addiction so I could still have her with me now!

Good luck what ever you decide! I was fit and no health problems at the start I this journey and have been lucky not to be that <1% who run into trouble!

Nicky xxx

[Izuri 428]

This surgery is a very personal experience and even though we often find similarities between our experience and others, no two surgeries are the same. When it comes to your surgery, it is really something you need to be able to own all the benefits and consequences of, which is a scary thing. I definitely struggled with the worries of the complications. The fear of the unknown. I think I am even kind of afraid of being thin - I never have been. Though we read so many posts a day that are good, the reality is that not everyone is going to have a perfect surgical experience.

It helped me to write out a list of pros and cons. Then I went through and thought about which cons I could decrease the risk of. Blood clots is one you can have an active role in preventing. Walking post-op and making sure that you limit your time sitting helps ensure that you are getting good blood flow and decreasing clot risk. This is just one example. Pneumonia you can decrease the risk of by practicing coughing and deep breathing regularly and using your incentive spirometer. Could I get rid of every con or decrease the risk of any of them to 0%? Absolutely not. But I felt comfortable enough at that point to say that the benefits of decreased risk of illnesses was worth it, for me. It may not be worth it for the next person, but it is definitely worth it to me. I felt like I was not living my life due to limitations that my weight and I were putting on myself.

I think the posters above me have some wonderful suggestions and I agree completely that counseling is a great idea both pre and post-op. We all come in with problems and issues with food. Then you throw in weight loss, possibility of failed expectations, and HORMONES GALORE, and you get people acting crazy and feeling bad (I will admit, I have all of the above!). Having therapy, a good support group, and helpful home support is really important for the success of many of us. Having time pre-op to get used to the diet and the eating changes would probably be really helpful. I didn't have this due to the scheduling of my surgery, but I think it would have been beneficial.

I saw my grandfather get almost his entire leg amputated from a diabetic sore that would not heal. His condition continued to deteriorate and eventually he passed away, due in part to the complications he had from diabetes. That scares me so much, and I'd rather have this surgery done now, than wait for any conditions to develop/worsen.

I hope that you figure out what's the right path for you, no matter what you decide.

[CaliKat 153]

Whatever it is you decide- do yourself a favor and start living a life without regrets.

Life's too short ya know?

Best to you

[JenKMi 33]

Hi, I'm going to put my two cents in. It's a very personal decision. Don't let anyone tell you any differently. I feel very alone in what I have had done to myself. I am one month out today. Yes, I'm down in weight but at what cost? I have a hard time drinking anything, I burp constantly, my new past time is vomiting. Do I regret it, honestly, a little; yes I do. Everyone makes it sound so wonderful, and yes, the weight loss is terrific. I'm down 35 pounds so far.

Look at your co-morbidities. Talk to a doctor and then another one. Find a few people that you can talk to face to face and really ask them how they feel about it. I thought I was prepared. I did the six months that my insurance company wanted me to do. I was honest with the shrink I had to talk to. It's just that no one can fully prepare you for the changes.

Best of luck with your decision, I'm just glad you are really thinking it over.

[whitsmom08 17]

@nannous. Thank you. I have been waiting for someone to say something like that!! I have started counseling and that along with my WLS I hope my life will be long and happy. Working in the medical field I know some do great after surgery and some have a horrible time. It is different for everyone. But that is what I wanna hear SOMEONES TRUTH. Regardless it it's good or bad! What are the bumps you are talking about. I'm not sure I've heard anyone mention them!

[smitten4glitter 5]

Good morning everyone, thanks for replying. I had to just get that off my chest. You all gave me alot of food for thought. I so appreciate it too. My mind has been in overdrive about this. I have another question which I feel is a HUGE piece to the puzzle. I know that I want to seek out a therapist, In my brain if I'm gonna do this....I'm gonna do this. I know that I need to look at everything not just calories in calories out..which seem so simple right;) But I know that I need to deal with the root of the problem as a few of you mentioned. So what kind of thearpist do I seek out? I've never been to one but I'm sure I could benefit from thearpy. Can those of you who have done "all" your homework and have sought out therapy tell me which kind to see? Thanks again it means alot that you would take your time to read my crazy ideas and issues:)

[smitten4glitter 5]

thanks for the honesty everyone shared with us;)

[TamaraS 235]

smitten4glitter,

I really feel your concern. I have been so focused on getting approved for the surgery, focusing on other people success and imagining my own that I hadn't really thought much about the possibility of dying in surgery until recently. It’s terrifying. I also have a child, a six you old boy. My grandmother had passed in April and it was the first death He had ever experienced. I just keep replaying through my mind when he told me "mom if you ever die and go to heaven, Id make myself die to so we could be together" indescribably upsetting words to hear your child speak :’(

Three nights ago I was lying in bed and panic came over me as I thought of how I will be putting myself in a position where it could definitely happen (DEATH) if I go through with the surgery. I’ve read differing statistics: 1 in 400 die, 1 in a 1,000 die, and honestly those don’t sound good. I woke up the next day still very much worried. I sat in my recliner as I do every day because my knees hurt. I watched t.v. and played on my laptop as I do every day, to numb my mind of my barely getting by existence. My beautiful boy gets home and I’m too tired to play and have a short fuse with him because I’m constantly exhausted ( just like every other day) and a couple tears ran down my face at the realization that my hope has to be stronger than my fears this time. Im not happy being in pain and always tired.

I’m not the good mom or wife I know I can be. I can’t fulfill my dream of becoming a nurse because I can barely shower and dress myself with out taing breaks in between. I have had to stop wearing socks with my shoes because when I try to put them on I pull muscles in my leg, stomach and back. My life is so far from where I want it and I know I can get it back on track with this surgery. I might die because of this surgery. I will definitely die early if I don’t get this weight off. But I might be able to live AFTER this surgery… I don’t consider this living now :’( MY suggestion to you is to wait until you know the benefits out way the risks. You will definitely know when that happens. Good Luck and I am sending lots of positive thoughts your way!!

[gustavo52974 369]

So what kind of thearpist do I seek out? I've never been to one but I'm sure I could benefit from thearpy. Can those of you who have done "all" your homework and have sought out therapy tell me which kind to see?

I asked my surgeon. I don't know if I was lucky that he knew someone good, but it's a place to start I imagine.

My weight gain was a result of more physical than psychological reasons. And once my physical problems were solved, I was still fat and was going to stay fat unless I did something about it. I'm not saying that someone put a gun to my head and told me to eat more than I should, but counseling helped me sort out the differences.

[iggychic 1,405]

Whatever it is you decide- do yourself a favor and start living a life without regrets.

Life's too short ya know?

Best to you

You must not have children. Life is full of opportunity for regrets. You do what you can to avoid them but only 20/20 hindsight leaves one without regrets. Regrets are the natural process of an intelligent person assessing the choices they have made in life and accepting the good decisions while acknowledging the bad.

Just my take on it.

So, glitter (love the name btw)

Was that my post that scared you? I was low bmi, "no possible issues" "easy peasey" supposed to be up playing tennis with the doc next week .

I won't type a diary because you can follow me in that other thread but I want to share my main regrets.

I am likely to live but there were moments that was in question. Anyone saying "no regrets" has not been lucid while hearing doctors discussing how to keep you alive. I've been there twice. Eclampsia with my son and this surgery. The difference between the two is that I "had" to give birth, I did not "have" to have this surgery. My biggest regret at this point is when I did this. My son is six and has a feeding disorder and a blood disorder (boy in the bubble light) I have no health issues due to weight so I could have waited a few years. I went ahead because since his birth my life has been in turmoil. I lost seven other babies, had to give up a very satisfying career to care for him and had to move to another state to ensure he could have a normal life (shorter cold and flu season). This means my husband is away more than home...that's been a hard adjustment for us all. But this year things seemed to have calmed down to a close attempt at sanity and I said "it's me time, I'm doing this". Given all the assurances that this was no big deal I felt very little worry going into the procedure. You know the ultimate result.

I posted my story because I hadn't seen one from a patient as healthy as me and I felt people need to be prepared for all scenarios. You need to really think....is this the time? I don't think I regret the surgery, I just wish I'd have waited until my son was your daughters age. He would still miss me but his more serious issues would be gone by then so it wouldn't be so hard for him. That's the biggest one. I hate being stuck up in room six and I desperately miss being a part of life, which I have always lived to the fullest no matter my weight.

Add those thoughts to your process Hun and just really think this through until you are ready! Don't do it before then. Your head needs to be fully in the game.

[Izuri 428]

So what kind of thearpist do I seek out?

I like gustavo's suggestion of asking your surgeon. Or I would look online for therapists, read reviews from patients, and make sure to get a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. Then I would call their office and ask if they have had any experience with bariatric patients and maybe binge eating if that's something that has affected you pre-op or if there's another part of your life that you think will need talking about too. For example, many of my eating issues are tied into clinical depression or mood issues, so I wanted a therapist that had some experience in mood disorders. Or if you think that issues will come up in your marriage, you may want one that also works in family counseling. Whatever you think will be important to you down the road. Ohh I almost forgot, a big one of mine is anxiety too. I eat through anxiety, and learning to work through that instead of turning to food is a big thing for me. Then just sort through the reviews and the phone calls you've made and pick one. Remember, even if you visit one and don't like them or it doesn't feel right, you can always choose another one. You are not obligated to stay with the same therapist. It's way more important to find one you feel like you can open up to.

If you have any other questions feel free to pm me.