Disappointed And A Little Sad

[FattyBoombalatty 8]

So it's been 4 months since my surgery. I've lost 54.1 lbs. Yes, I count the.1. I don't feel like it's enough. And I'm scared that it's never going to be enough. Never mind that I've never been able to lose weight before. I still feel like a cow. I AM still a cow. I'm annoyed that I still feel too self concious to go in certain stores. I'm annoyed and angry that my mom still looks at me when I eat and I can "see" her butt hole clench. I'm sad that I don't feel better about what I've done. I went to play volleyball yesterday and almost started crying because of the way people looked at me and because no one would let me hit the ball. I finally had to start knocking people out of my space. Am I ever going to feel good about myself? Am I ever going to feel accepted? Or pretty? This isn't doing what I wanted it to do for me.

[Wheetsin 714]

Let me do the math rq. You were 330 at surgery and you're now 275.9.

We have really similar stats. I started at 348, am currently 260, and am about 5 months out.

I still feel (and AM) fat, but I'm getting to a place where I can feel pretty again. I'm not "a looker" by any means (Looker, not Hooker, though I'm not that either), so maybe ANY feeling pretty is misplaced, but I'll take it. I'm starting to feel a little more normal. "Normal" fat instead of "Crazy" fat. I'll feel a lot better around the 210 mark.

Feel good about yourself, feel accepted, feel pretty -- I can't tell you that. I HOPE you can. And if you find that you cannot, I hope you can take a long, hard look at yourself and figure out why. Everyone has worth, regardless anything

"This isn't what I wanted it to do for me." I think the surgery is doing exactly what it's supposed to. Are you eating less than before? That's about all it can give us. The rest is on us. Maybe you had unrealistic expectations? What did you expect? Let us know, we might be able to help level set or troubleshoot.

[Randi 21]

I am 4 months out and have only lost 52 pounds, so I'm behind you!! I have been on a three week stall and feel huge today!! I laughed when a coworker told me I looked really skinny. I'm like - um, 210 pounds on a 5' 3" gal is skinny? Compared to 262 pounds I guess it is.

We all have our good days and our bad ones. Try not to think about what others say or what you THINK they are thinking - you are most likely way off base. I hope you can get your mindset it a better place. We're here for you!!

[thinoneday 445]

It will never be enough for me either. . . but you know what at least i'm not 350 lbs+ anymore. . .I'm happy with myself. It took a long time, but i'm finally at peace with myself. I've accepted me for once, and eventually you will too. I had to seek couseling though, for my low self esteem. It helps a lot. Good luck to you as you walk your path. . your doing great. . . just think, before the surgery, could you have lost 54lbs in 4months? probably not. . .

[AdeptDreamer 104]

You have to love your self. The sleeve is in your stomach not your mind. Even if you weighed 140 pounds, you would still find something bad about yourself. I'm working on it too...

[traceyinflorida 499]

It has been three months since my surgery and I have lost 42 pounds since that day. So we are losing at about the same rate of 14 pounds a month. Sometimes it seems reeeallllly slow, but at other times when I put it into perspective, I realize that I could never have done that on just a DIET! And, by now I would have given up and started to gain it all back plus several more! How long did it take you to gain your weight? The bulk of what I have lost so far took me ten years to gain. Hmm...three months to lose 10 years of weight...seems pretty good to me!

Randi is right about not thinking about what others think of you. Chances are likely they are not thinking of you at all....they are too busy worrying about themselves and their own issues and insecurities! I used to work for a direct sales company and had to teach myself and others this lesson daily! It's really true!!

My suggestion is that you get someone to take a photo of you and compare it to your pre-surgery pictures (if you are like me, these may be hard to find....lol) 54 lbs is a lot of weight! I am sure you will see that you have come a long way. Remind yourself daily that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Slow and steady wins the race. Fuel your body with the right foods and lots of Water. It sounds like you are exercising, playing volleyball. Keep it up! You've got this girl!! We are all here for you!

Oh and as for your mom's butt hole clenching....they have to find some reason to do that! That's what they are best at (at least that is what my teenagers would say about me!)

[Robyn Owens-Miille 132]

I still see myself as "the fat chick" too. I am just now starting to realize that I'm "normal fat" instead of "super fat."

One thing in your post struck me... "I'm annoyed and angry that my mom still looks at me when I eat and I can "see" her butt hole clench." Sounds like maybe you need to avoid your mom! You have to eat to live and you're not overeating these days (and probably not eating junk food with your excellent weight loss).

Good luck,

Robyn

[cantwaittolose 163]

I go through this almost every day. I've lost 38 pounds and I have to remind myself "girl, you still weigh over 300 pounds!" It's gonna take a huge amount of weight for me to no longer be "big", but I tell you what every day I'm working toward it and even though I'm not dropping 100 pounds overnight as I would like to, I know that this progress in 4 weeks is more than what I have done for myself in my entire life and more weight that I have lost in a long time. I have a total of 185 pounds to lose to get to my goal of 165....even when I write "lose 185 pounds" that sounds like too much of a hurdle, and I start to tell myself "there's just no way", so I don't focus on that. I focus every day on what I'm putting in my mouth and what kind of activity I'm doing to work towards ensuring the weight keeps coming off. I had this surgery because losing 185 pounds on my own felt impossible, but with the sleeve I KNOW it's possible to hit goal or come awfully close. This is a time to truly treat yourself kindly and with love. The weight will come off and one day soon, you'll feel the way you want Keep going, keep pressing on, don't give up!

[notime 340]

Please don't call yourself a cow and please don't think of yourself or anyone else that way. You have improved your health, quality of life and appearance and will continue to do so. Try to think of it that way. You have come a long way in losing weight and you are not done losing. You can do this.

[lollyfidy1965 402]

I hope you will read what I'm going to say, and understand that it comes from a place of love, caring, and concern (and based entirely on my impression of the comments you posted)... You have more going on, psychologically, than not losing weight "fast enough". My suggestion would be to reach out to your surgical program, and ask to speak with their therapist. If they don't have one on-staff (I'm making an assumption, based on my own experience, that they would), finding a therapist to help with your ingrained self-esteem issues might be helpful. You need to rediscover all the reasons for which you are worthy of being loved....especially by yourself. Self-love will give you the strength to face the rest of the world without feeling the need to concern yourself with the thoughts of others (even including your mother). So many of us have been taught to hate ourselves...because we were too "fat," or because of some other reason (most often imposed by those around us). The process of losing weight, and becoming healthier, ends up being about so much more than just "losing weight"!! In the end, the amount of weight you've already lost is wonderful...truly!! Don't allow those niggling voices get the better of you....don't allow them to derail the progress you've made! I wish you nothing but success, and peace of mind! Laura

[happy1957 138]

I think you're doing great. I have lost a total of 57 lbs, but 11 was prior to surgery and it took 8 months to lose the other 46. I am NOT complaining as I have always been a slow loser and to top it off, this has been the easiest weight loss program I have ever been on. I will admit that I have a difficult time even feeling thinner or thinking about myself as thinner, then again I never felt fat. I can't stop thinking about holding on to my " old clothes" just in case my loss finds it way back. I had a life time of losing and gaining every three years, cycling was my nature. I so hope I will not have put myself through the pain of getting approved which was far worse than the surgery, only to fail again. I think all of us have this fear. My words of encouragement would be to keep doing what is right and the rest will fall into place, it my feel slow but will be successful.

[snow_white_39 10]

Hang in there! In my humble opinion, a few of the other members are right - you may want to sit down with a therapist and talk about how you feel, or how you feel others perceive you, and why that hurts. If you've been overweight your entire life, your mind isn't going to change overnight. Your body might be getting skinnier (congrats on 54.1 lbs!!!) but your mind still thinks you're "fat" and that others look at you that way. It will probably take you years to convert your brain into not thinking that way, and to accept yourself as a "normal weight person". Therapists are good at building up your self esteem because they look at you from a very different perspective than you look at yourself. Good for you for playing volleyball and actually considering pushing others out of the way to play (you know what I mean) instead of just retreating to the sidelines which I'd probably have done. And yes, when you're overweight, and probably even after you lose the weight, you will think that people will always be watching what you're eating. When you're overweight, you think "they're probably wondering why I'm eating this, I'm already overweight" and when you're thinner, you'll probably think "they're probably watching to see what I put in my mouth and wondering if I'll put on the weight again". But you know what, chances are they're probably not wondering that at all, they're probably thinking about picking up the kids and what's for supper that night. And - you'll have them fooled because you're not going to put on the weight again! Good luck & hang in there!

[FattyBoombalatty 8]

aw. Thank you all for the support. Most days, I do really well. Just that day was a sad day. I am WELL aware that I am crazy pants. And so is my therapist. Nice to vent and hear others are in the same place I am. Also so wonderful that we have such a great community to belong to. Trying to focus more on the positive and the future than on the negative.

[FattyBoombalatty 8]

That is, my therapist is aware of my craziness. Not crazy herself. I think.