Marriage & Vsg...

[jessfharris 70]

So I'm with a 6'4" and 175lbs man whom I been with for 8 Years now but married for soon to be 2 years... I'm 5'11" and currently weigh 310... Ive always been big, he likes big girls.. Lol but I meet him weighing 260 but due to a stressful relationship I gained about 70-90 pounds ... He cheated on me 2 times, I had a miscarriage, he used drugs but thru time he did a whole 180 and I ran back to him and we got married. He stoped drugs, well he still smokes weed n cigs, he stoped cheating and has a steady job...he's very loving and he sure took care of me after surgery (8/15/12) only 2 weeks ago...

Point is he's told ppl he thinks once I lose my weight I will leave him.... So sad to hear b/c lil does he know - Why would I leave him after everything we been thru and if he loved me fat, why would I leave him skinny? At least I know he loved me for the real me!!!!

However, we moved in with my family (really religious) b/c of financial issues and my surgery and now he's questioning our marriage.. Saying I spend too much time w/my family and we are very different... That he feels trapped here and can't be himself ( can't smoke).... SO WE GOT IN A HUGE ARGUMENT TODAY - and he said he doesn't know what to do anymore...

As if surgery wasn't stressful enough - now this! Ohhhh and I also rushed surgery to give him children since we had a hard time getn pregnant. HELPPP I NEED ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sitn here crying my heart out...

[prettysleeved1 173]

Girl....

Nevermind.

[jessfharris 70]

I know... I know. Leave him right? I can't I love him too much. He's grown on me.

[jessfharris 70]

I Hate putn my business out there but I have no friends to vent with and my family love to gossip so this is my cry for help and vent...

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I hesitate to say anything because I'm not good at this kind of thing, but my knee jerk reaction is to say....refocus his attention on straightening out the financial issues so the 2 of you can move out of your family's residence and into your own place. I've spent some time with my wife at my inlaws (also very religious) and I can tell you, it's stressful. I don't smoke or do anything I shouldn't, but I'm not religious so sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. Maybe that's what he's going through right now.

The other stuff about him thinking you will leave him, that's just his insecurity talking. I'd reassure him that you're not going anywhere, but that doesn't give him license to quit making the effort to be a good partner.

[SweetTee 448]

First let me start off by saying that I do not condone drug use of any kind. I hear you saying that he's changed and left the drug usage alone however he still smokes weed? Isn't weed considered a drug? In all actuality that would mean he's still on drugs, right? I can only assume that this must mean he was doing some harder drugs at one time. How will you feel about him doing this around your baby once you guys do manage to conceive again, because If he's ready for a family, he has to ask himself if the marijuana usage is more important to him than you. Second, let me say that I try to never tell a married person to leave their spouse. Many people will have various opinions, but the vows you made were for "better or for worse" and I do believe that people can change if they want to. You said that he changed and left the other drugs alone, so I have to believe that he could also leave the marijuana alone. Living with others can place a strain on a marriage. Especially if your family feels compelled to comment on things going on between you guys. But just being totally honest with you, he sounds very immature and a bit controlling if he doesn't want you to spend time with your family, hell you're living with them! How could you possibly not spend time with them? And he's arguing with you cause he can't smoke weed. He shouldn't want to smoke weed in your parent's house out of respect for them and their property! I'm sure he knows that they would not approve. I'm sure he does feel trapped. Hopefully you guys can get your own place sometime soon. Sit your husband down when the two of you can talk rationally and explain to him how you feel. Listen to his concerns and let him know that you are dedicated to this marriage 100%. Explain to him that you understand that he may feel trapped, but you appreciate him making this effort to make the best out of your living situation. Most men need to feel needed. Maybe he feels as if you don't need him since you're with your family now. Mostly explain to him that you don't want to keep argueing. Sometimes in the heat of an arguement, it's best to say "Baby, I love you, but I don't want to keep argueing with you right now." and walk away and give both of you time to calm down. Once you've stepped back, you can sometimes look at things better and think rationally. I pray things get better, because right now you should be focused on recovery. Good luck and God bless.

[Parker's Dad 50]

I hesitate to say anything because I'm not good at this kind of thing, but my knee jerk reaction is to say....refocus his attention on straightening out the financial issues so the 2 of you can move out of your family's residence and into your own place. I've spent some time with my wife at my inlaws (also very religious) and I can tell you, it's stressful. I don't smoke or do anything I shouldn't, but I'm not religious so sometimes I feel like I don't fit in. Maybe that's what he's going through right now.

The other stuff about him thinking you will leave him, that's just his insecurity talking. I'd reassure him that you're not going anywhere, but that doesn't give him license to quit making the effort to be a good partner.

I think Bean pretty much nailed this one. There are a few things that make this situation very stressful. Money issues suck and will strain even the best of relationships. A big focus would be getting out of anyones house. I could not live with my parents or my girlfriends parents. If I want to walk around my house in my underwear I can lol. Not really kidding there, everyone needs their own space. The weed and the religious parents scenario do not work at all. If you can live with the weed use then that's fine. It's just not gonna work in that situation. As far as him thinking you are gonna leave.... I think that is almost always gonna be a natural thought like it or not. I don't know anything about his past relationships but maybe that has been an issue, maybe not. It has been for me. My exwife was a "religious" person, her mom, etc. She starts a new job and starts listening to people and doing things she shouldn't have been. Needless to say one thing lead to another and that was a done deal. Now I come from that better for it. Lesson learned. Now I don't trust anyone fully and never will. Take that into consideration. Now it was not right of him to cheat. There is no real valid reason for that and it is one thing that I personally can't and won't tolerate for myself. If you can get past that, more power to you. Now the very last thing that I would even think about pushing the issue on right now is kids. With the living arrangements, money, and insecurity right now, the last thing you need to do is throw a baby into the mix. This is just my opinion but I have seen things play out with different couples several times and this is kind of how it goes. Good luck with whatever you do.

[Doreykn 113]

I usually don't chime in on affairs of the heart, but years ago a wise man told me to "Do what makes ME happy". I was married to a drinking, cheating man...we separated & I almost went back with him. I stopped & thought about me for once! I did NOT go back with him. I thank GOD every day for those words of advice! We divorced, I married another & have been happy ever since! My ex remarried & continued to cheat on his new wife. He is divorced again & I'm still married (32 years now)! I truly hope you find happiness... Just remember to think about yourself first.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

rushed surgery to give him children since we had a hard time getn pregnant. HELPPP I NEED ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sitn here crying my heart out...

jessgharris

never be ashamed to come here asking for help, venting - you have friends to help you, our fellow sleever

you have quite a dilema, you have a bunch of good advice from the above and future comments, you need to pull/weed through good advice from here and there - put it to your heart and listen to it.

you must come to a decision. - just as in thinking about WLS, you need to weigh all your options, think alot - not for one or two days, take your time with your thoughts, decision, cuz this is another life time committment just like WLS -

glad he did help you a couple of weeks ago after WLS - how are you feeling now - hope you are resting, taking it easy, drinking all that good stuff. you need to take care of yourself through this hard time- and what a time to have this problem after WLS

IMO - you should not be thinking of having kids now. If he wants kids, maybe you too? and either of you think this "might help your relationship" - i don't think this is true.

In the near future if you do have kids, your personal relationship might continue to spiral downhill, and you would only be hurting the kids. and of course yourself

you are 25 years young - you have your future in front of you, weight loss, health and happiness and much more

all our thoughts and good wishes go your way

i'm handing you a box of kleenex - dry those pretty eyes

good luck

luv

[jessfharris 70]

It's official he wants a divorce... I tried talking to him about working things out and he doesn't want to. I still love him and he states he still loves me but feels he won't ever be able to give me what I want.. The white picket fence and family and be religious... But why now? Why wait after marriage ? Or after my surgery recovery? Is there someone else? He just made love to me a day ago... How does a man change their heart from one day to another? Is he intimadated that I'll leave him when I lose all my weight? Idk I'm confused... I been crying 2 days straight... Help!

[jessfharris 70]

Also I can't divorce him just cause of differences... I grew up religious myself and I believe in saving a marriage... Only way we can divorce is if he cheats or physically hurts me... So all we can do for now is separate, give it time, if he loves me he will come back if not he will find someone commit adultery and I guess that's when divorce take it's course... :'(

[gustavo52974 369]

A little bit of tough love here, but let's add things up: he's a drug user (yes, marijuana is a drug), he's cheated on you, he's emotionally abusive, he's controlling and doesn't want you to spend time with your family, he's a financial disaster, he'd rather you be big than thin, he's emotionally erratic, you're waiting for him to physically hurt you before you can divorce him, and you think giving him children will help things. Seriously, how many red flags do you need here?

[jessfharris 70]

8 long years wasted... But ur all right it's just I'm very hurt...

[Jolie_KeMi 345]

Also I can't divorce him just cause of differences... I grew up religious myself and I believe in saving a marriage... Only way we can divorce is if he cheats or physically hurts me... So all we can do for now is separate, give it time, if he loves me he will come back if not he will find someone commit adultery and I guess that's when divorce take it's course... :'(

Honey...the only reason you need to get a divorce is because you are not happy, which you obviously aren't. You can't save a marriage if one of the people in the marriage is not willing to work on the issues. The real issues are his cheating, drug use, and financial problems; you having surgery, being religious, and spending time with your family has nothing to do with it. He is insecure that when you lose the weight and start to get attention from other men, you will stray.

Just thank God that you are seeing him for what he is now vs 20 years and several children later. Find your HAPPY girl!!

[Izuri 428]

I'm really sorry, I have never been married, but I did have an engagement fall through with a guy who was lying/cheating/etc and I know that the loss of someone you love can be an overwhelmingly hard thing, no matter how it ends. It sounds like the relationship you had was rather volatile at times. I hope you realize that despite anything he says, anything that happened, anything that does happen, that you deserve better than what you've been given.

You are still very young (We're actually the same age =p), and if you think back to 8 years ago, a lot has changed from then, right? A lot can happen in the next 8 years too, and maybe in those 8 years you will find more love and respect for yourself and possibly someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

There are days that I wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed with my ex-fiance, but I never regret what happened. I learned a lot about myself and what I want from my life, and I still have a number of years ahead of me - who knows what they hold.

If you ever need a friend to vent or a shoulder to cry on, you're welcome to message me. We all need a place/friends to talk to about our hard times.