This Is So Hard

[dexter 205]

Am just in the middle of the process and am wondering if I'm string enough to do this. I have already had one horrific sleep study done and face another one this weekend. When I tried to reach out during my panic attack, folks on this thread attacked me for needing help and not just sleeping. I wanted to run then. Rip all wires off and run. But I stayed. Now, tomorrow I do physio, nut & psych. Three people telling me I'm fat, lazy & depressed. No kidding!

I seek comfort in food yet I can't because I need to lose 15 pounds before I'm even given a surgery date.

When does it get better?! Is pre-op a test to see who can survive to the end? I hate my meat suit more now than before I started this! It has all come into sharp focus and I really hate what I see!

At the end of the day (or wee hours of the morning), all I have is just me. No cheerleaders, no support, no distractions.

This board is even getting hardto read with all the "yay! I got a date" posts. I'll be one of those people too, but right now everything seems to shine a white hot spotlight on the fact that I am fat and very unhappy.

Seriously, did anyone feel they could not continue? Did anyone feel like they were going crazy during pre-op?

[nyxa 159]

i'm pre-op & don't feel crazy at all.. i already know i'm nuts. lol (just teasing)

like you said, you'll be one of the people who will get a surgery date. just have to stick in there a little longer. you can handle it. you've gone this far, it's not that much more to go!

you can definitely lose the 15lb.

maybe if you tried to focus on the positive things, you wouldn't be going nuts. thinking about negative stuff will always get at you & eat at you. it's easier said than done, of course, but every day that you wake up, you have another opportunity to change what you don't like about yourself & you can be thankful for that. at least you have another chance to make your life better & the way you see it in your mind. you may not like where you are right NOW, but it can change & all you have to do is take it one day at a time.. one step at a time. you can do that!

i wish you the best & hope everything goes well for you!

[Sannah 258]

Hello!

I am pre op as well!! It's so much to endure. Sounds like your sleep study was hard and scary Bummer to hear that others weren't kind about your experience. To each, their own right!? Great it was easy for them!! But it's not that way for everyone. Too bad others aren't sensitive to this!!!

I recently had an MRI of my brain. It took me four attempts over a week and a half period on drugs. No one has a place to judge how we react in any situation!! Compassion and care is the best route when another is enduring a struggle.

My experience with the physical therapist, nut and psychologist was very positive!!! I did not feel like my fatness was topic of conversation. All three were real supportive and sympathetic. I loved all three of them. I hope that your experience will be the same. They can help you with the 15lbs. I am working on 20.

We can both hang in here!! We'll both have a date soon!! It's going to be so great!! Then we can be über excited too!!! Right now its okay to feel all these emotions!! I feel them too!!!

Best,

Sannah

Sent from my iPhone using VST

[jsd2 39]

I'm so sorry you had that experience. I was claustrophobic during my sleep study and the anxiety had me feeling the same way! When you've been beaten down by people telling you you're fat or talking to you negatively it's easy to think that's what everyone will do. I hope you have a positive experience with the nutritionist, psychologist etc... I think most of them are working in this field because they really want to help overweight people (or were one themselves) and not because they are fat haters. I tried several times to get approval for the surgery and couldn't get it past insurance. Each time I was denied I got knocked further and further down emotionally, got more depressed and gained more weight. I was not strong enough to go self-pay and I honestly was shocked when I actually got the approval. There was no way I would have been able to save or set aside the money even if it meant losing weight to save my life. I didn't think I would be strong enough to go through the entire process another time or that I would be able to lose any weight, let alone 15 pounds before the surgery- I thought I would be the one person who forced them to cancel due to weight gain.

Most of us are emotional eaters and when you take away our coping mechanism we get frustrated and scared and feel like we have failed or will fail. For what it's worth, you aren't alone, other people have felt or are feeling this way right now. You aren't alone, even though we don't always admit it, alot of us are scared, depressed, feel fat and worthless. You aren't alone, people will read this post and identify with it like I did, they will feel compassion for you and send you good wishes and prayer. You aren't alone, support may come in the strangest of places, even if it's on a message board, you deserve it, it's being given by people who know, who've been fat, who understand. You are not alone, you don't have to stand unsupported and without cheerleaders, let us support you, cheer you on and rejoice with you in your triumphs. You are not alone! Your feelings and emotions are valid and even if you feel like giving up, continue to reach out for support, there are lots of us here to provide it!

[mokee 588]

What she said LOL. Seriously I also am pre-op and have one more hoop to jump the heart doctor. I feel like I have been on a track crawling along trying to get in all things they want done. Now I am a month away and he says yesterday for the first time mind you "We need you to at least walk everyday (no matter how much pain I am in) and loose 2-4 lbs. or the surgery will be postponed. All these months to hear this. Truthfully I have not lost a lb in 10 years. I just gain that is why I am here. Should I shave my head LOL. Maybe that will be enough weight. I am telling you all this because it is hard and they want it to be hard. This surgery is nothing to be taken lightly

But if it wasn't for this site I would have not even gotten this far. The encouraging posts that I read everyday and the all the lives that have been changed daily. That can be us and it will. You are not lazy. Sometimes people think we are lazy because we are depressed and can't function like they do. Someday they will have their turn in some other way. Hope we can forgive what they have said.

Best of luck to you and please come and tell all, we can help.

[bigsleeve56 266]

What helped me pre-op was starting to take control of the eating start finding a protien drink you like and try to replace one meal a day. Start to log your food and just look at what you are doing and start to look at where you need to be after the surgery. When I did these things it gave me alot to think about and less to worry about after the surgery. Set your goal and dig in and before you know it you will be here too so good luck keep your head up.

[dexter 205]

Thank you all for your support. Today I was given hope that this first part truly has been a test. The psych consult went well and together with the dr., they have prescribed Xanax for my LAST sleep test. Psych thinks the ambien actually made panic attack worse. Since I've never taken Xanax, they both want me to try one (I get 3, so just a temp thing) so I know the effects and minimize anxiety.

I have a deadline to lose my 15 pounds for a little under a month and a diet plan devised by the nut. Riding a bike 4x a week.

Hopefully this time next month, I'll have a date.