Support Vs. Going It Alone

[justkeepsmiling 3]

Well, hi all!

Some of you might remember me - I was around for a bit awhile back. My dad put a stop to my surgery in February. So here it is, August and I'm going to try again. I'm going with a different surgeon this time and plan on not telling a word of it to my father. Problem is now that my mom wants nothing to do with it now, either. Doesn't want to know anything about it.

I'm 19, I'll be 20 in a month and a half. This is a well thought out plan - the surgery, that is. I don't make any decision, ever, without thinking it through to the very end. My parents are both alike in their thinking that I should try one more time to go and lose the weight in a move conventional method.

Here are my stats: 19, 5'4, 225 pounds. PCOS, Under active thyroid, Pre-Diabetic, Metformin for five years and I've only put on weight. Sometimes I look at those numbers and think maybe I can do it in a more "conventional" way but then I look in the mirror and at all the pills I take and think about how I feel when I have to move and.. this is just not how I want to live my life and I'm tired of trying, trying trying and failing, always.

Has anyone ever had "less" weight to lose? (I say this not to be offensive, if we're here, we've all obviously got weight to lose, right? ) But even if the sleeve takes off eighty pounds, I'll be so close to where I should be to be healthy. (I really hope that wording didn't offend anyone. Sorry!)

Also, has anyone ever been in a situation where people like parents didn't give you the support you wanted? Or felt like me, having to go behind their backs about it? I feel like I'm all alone in this. (I have the support of many friends, but my mom's my rock. To have her not support me feels like a punch to the face. My dad - I could do without his support, really. But I still feel shitty for doing this behind his back.)

This is a lot, I know. I'm just so overwhelmed. I just want to be healthy and make a decision and do it. So.. help?

[tallysfunny 363]

Sometimes sweetheart we have to do what is right for us even when so many push back on it. While I do not agree that they are not supporting you, you are also going to have to live with the fallout of not telling them. Which will create more stress on you....not telling them and them getting royally pissed about it or telling them now and getting it over and done with?

I must ask, how exactly did your father put a stop to it last time?

It's your life, so you must do with it as you will, but just make sure that you are at peace with whatever decision you make. It will mean one les thing for you to stress over after surgery. Cuz the good Lord knows you are gonna be going through enough changes and chaos after surgery.

Hugs, take care and feel free to contact me if you need support.

[chitowngirl 885]

I really have to say I wish I could have done this surgery at your age. I myself have pcos and it gets worse with time, the more you weigh the harder it is to loose weight. I was on 2000mg of metformin....holy crap that's a lot. I can say that you have to do what is best for yourself. Good luck...

[BigGirlPanties 957]

It must be difficult for you when you are so close to your parents to do this like this... but sometimes we just have to do what is best for us. My sister had hers done about 10 years ago and only told 1 person because she didn't want to "hear" it...but we have all been supportive and she has maintained fabulously.

Now it is my turn...I am almost to the point of getting my date... and I haven't told anyone by my best friend and my fiance... my parents are both gone; but if they were here, I know I would have their support all the way.

Don't try to do this alone, it is never a good thing...find a support group, if nothing else, you need someone that is there for you 24/7... if nothing else...this group is here for you!

Take care...and good luck... you are doing what YOU need to do!

[jh5497 105]

When I was 19, I had stats similiar to yours and I wish I would have done. I went to Mexico alone and had surgery. I didn't tell my mom, who still doesn't know, but the rest of my family knew and were supportive. If this is what you want -- DO IT! This is your body, your choice! Neither of your parents have had your journey, walked in your shoes or dealt with your thoughts about your body image. I hope that when you are healthier and happier, they come around, but absolutely do NOT live your life to make someone else happy!

[justkeepsmiling 3]

@Tallysfunny - my father threatened to take me off his health insurance policy and then when that didn't scare me, he threatened my suregon. Said he'd find something to hold against him. It was my surgeon who ultimately decided that he was uncomfortable doing my surgery and denied me as a patient even after my consent forms were signed and everything. And unfortunately, I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with any decision. If I don't do it, my heath will continue a steady decline. If I go through with it and my dad finds out, my relationship with him will be at its lowest point yet. So.. I just don't know. :/

@Chitowngirl - I was also on 2000mg of Metformin, for all five years. Part of it, I was switched on and off of both the generic name (gluphenogue or something like that) and extended release on both, also. But good Lord, did that medicine tear up my stomach something awful. And after numerous bouts or nausea/vomiting on it, I'd still gain weight. I'm mighty impressive, huh?

@BigGirlPanties - first of all, what a fabulous username! I do have the support of my friends and roommates. The first go around, I had my mom's support but she can't find it in her to support me this time. She has said that if I do this, she doesn't want to know anything about it. I hope that it didn't come off that my father and I have a good relationship, because we don't. We're at each other's throats all the time, especially after he stopped me from doing this the first time. He's a recovering alcoholic that firmly believes that every single problem can be solved with a twelve step program and he also firmly believes that by doing this, I'm taking the easy way out. Hell no - he's got no idea what he's talking about.

@jh5497 - That's exactly what I've been thinking and I feel like if I don't do this, I'm not doing it because I want to keep my parents happy and in turn, making myself miserable. I'm really, really stuck. And I was thinking that I could do this and keep it under wraps from my dad - I'm a junior in college with an apartment by school so he doesn't see me that often. I don't think he would think anything amiss if I was losing a few (a lot?) of pounds every six/eight weeks when he saw me, right? Haha I've had a lot of time to toss this all around.

Thanks so much for your replies. I have a lot to consider. Tomorrow, I'm actually going to go to a seminar for a new surgeon and see how that goes. Going to make an appointment for next week and sit down with him and get a feel for what he thinks. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping everything falls into place.

[Frza 194]

My I am 5'5 / 225 and wish this would have been an option for me at your age. I could have avoided the disorderd eating and binge drinking. I feel like I wasted my 20s. I also did not tell my folks until surgery was booked and deposit was paid. They turned out to be really supportive, but I didn't want to take a chance. My surgery is 8 days away!

[hilliary 1]

I'm 5'5/220 & I'm having surgery Aug 30th. I am now 32 and wish I would have done it 10 years ago. I too, at 32 did not tell my parents until I made a final decision and everything was set, looking forward to a new start at 32! Good luck to you!

[Frza 194]

I'm 5'5/220 & I'm having surgery Aug 30th. I am now 32 and wish I would have done it 10 years ago. I too' date=' at 32 did not tell my parents until I made a final decision and everything was set, looking forward to a new start at 32! Good luck to you![/quote']

Hillary, we are pretty similar in stats and surgery dates, I'd love to be in contact with you during recovery.

[Capt Derel 287]

Well' date=' hi all!

Some of you might remember me - I was around for a bit awhile back. My dad put a stop to my surgery in February. So here it is, August and I'm going to try again. I'm going with a different surgeon this time and plan on not telling a word of it to my father. Problem is now that my mom wants nothing to do with it now, either. Doesn't want to know anything about it.

I'm 19, I'll be 20 in a month and a half. This is a well thought out plan - the surgery, that is. I don't make any decision, ever, without thinking it through to the very end. My parents are both alike in their thinking that I should try one more time to go and lose the weight in a move conventional method.

Here are my stats: 19, 5'4, 225 pounds. PCOS, Under active thyroid, Pre-Diabetic, Metformin for five years and I've only put on weight. Sometimes I look at those numbers and think maybe I can do it in a more "conventional" way but then I look in the mirror and at all the pills I take and think about how I feel when I have to move and.. this is just not how I want to live my life and I'm tired of trying, trying trying and failing, always.

Has anyone ever had "less" weight to lose? (I say this not to be offensive, if we're here, we've all obviously got weight to lose, right? ) But even if the sleeve takes off eighty pounds, I'll be so close to where I should be to be healthy. (I really hope that wording didn't offend anyone. Sorry!)

Also, has anyone ever been in a situation where people like parents didn't give you the support you wanted? Or felt like me, having to go behind their backs about it? I feel like I'm all alone in this. (I have the support of many friends, but my mom's my rock. To have her not support me feels like a punch to the face. My dad - I could do without his support, really. But I still feel shitty for doing this behind his back.)

This is a lot, I know. I'm just so overwhelmed. I just want to be healthy and make a decision and do it. So.. help? [/quote']

I am a February sleever. Punch your dad square in his face. I didnt have any support also but it was a must do situation. Do it for you. Just think once its done its done then he will support you. Trust me on this.

My parents hated the fact that I did this. But now the are flabbergasted by the change. They are worried about me getting to small now lol.

[LouiseC 1,031]

If you are over 18 and paying for this yourself or at least paying through your own insurance then I would back you 100%. But if your parents pay for your insurance which will pay for this I would caution you against proceeding.

[justkeepsmiling 3]

@Fraz & hilliary - thank you both for your helpful replies! Good luck to both of you on your upcoming surgeries.

@Capt Derel - believe me, I'd like nothing more then to do just that! (Punch my dad, that is!) That's basically my thought process: if I can just do it, then he'll see what a good thing this would be in the long run, when my nightstand isn't clogged up with pill bottles and I'm happier and healthier. He just can't see past the surgical part of this, how drastic this is. (That's what I've gathered from what he said when we argued about this the first time.)

@LouiseC - I am over 18 but am still on my parent's health insurance, yes. I bounce back and forth with proceeding, really I do. I haven't made a set decision yet. But I do know that if I go through with this and my dad finds out, there is a high probability that he will take me off the insurance policy. (I also have to be prepared that he may or may not stop helping me with college tuition, so if I do this, hiding it would be a priority.)

It would also probably be good to mention that seven months ago, I broke my ankle in a car accident. (This is another motivating force behind this surgery. My physical therapist keeps saying, "your recovery would go much better if you could just lose twenty or thirty pounds." Honey, if it was that simple, I would have done it by now.) I have a very large settlement coming my way from the aftermath of this accident so if this doesn't happen sooner through insurance, it will happen later through self pay. I will probably go through with this, it's just a matter of when - and if I'm willing to totally sabotage what's left of my relationship with my dad.

Thank you all for being sounding boards for me and listening to my endless babble. I appreciate it more then I can say. It's so helpful to be able to get it all out, muddle through my thoughts and have feedback from people who have been there. So thanks!

[LouiseC 1,031]

@LouiseC - I am over 18 but am still on my parent's health insurance' date=' yes. I bounce back and forth with proceeding, really I do. I haven't made a set decision yet. But I do know that if I go through with this and my dad finds out, there is a high probability that he will take me off the insurance policy. (I also have to be prepared that he may or may not stop helping me with college tuition, so if I do this, hiding it would be a priority.)

It would also probably be good to mention that seven months ago, I broke my ankle in a car accident. (This is another motivating force behind this surgery. My physical therapist keeps saying, "your recovery would go much better if you could just lose twenty or thirty pounds." Honey, if it was that simple, I would have done it by now.) I have a very large settlement coming my way from the aftermath of this accident so if this doesn't happen sooner through insurance, it will happen later through self pay. I will probably go through with this, it's just a matter of when - and if I'm willing to totally sabotage what's left of my relationship with my dad.

![/quote']

while I understand your eagerness to have this done, I really do wonder whether it would be better to wait for your settlement where you can pay for this by yourself. The breach of trust doing this on your parents insurance without their knowledge is a pretty big one that you may live to regret in your future. We only

get one set of parents, and trust me, how we feel about them at 19 is different to how we feel about them at 29, 39 and beyond.

I wish you all the best.

[lollyfidy1965 402]

Have you considered discussing this with your parents...and a family therapist? Perhaps your dad could gain some understanding that way. Also...what would the harm be in giving a more traditional attempt one last try...with your father's knowledge...to show him that it just doesn't work for you? (Of course,you would need to make it a genuine effort...not just pay lip service to it.). After all, this surgery isn't magic....the sleeve doesn't "lose the weight for you". It requires careful and deliberate changes to eating habits, and lots of hard work, physically (exercising)....the same things required in a more traditional approach. The only difference is a (possible) reduction in appetite, and a decreased capacity (in terms of the amount you can eat at a time). It isn't fool proof....you can continue to make bad food choices, and you can choose to not exercise...and you can fail to lose as much as you would like, or worse, even gain more. Perhaps the two of you can meet in the middle, and go forward together, instead of spending years feeling like you have to lie to him in order to be happy. Best of luck to you!

[Cookeeeeez 269]

Your parents pay health insurance for your health, use it to become healthy!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I had done this at 19 instead of weighting lol so long!!! I'm 25 now and 60 pounds heavier and have an even more f*d up relationship with food from the extra years binge eating.

I get where your dads coming from but as a recovering alcoholic I bet deep down he wishes he had some sort of surgery to make his struggle easier! But in all honesty his journey is not yours and he sounds way too controlling and frankly a little unstable.

Just a tip: think through exactly how he will react when he finds out and have some professional help to deal with the turbulence that will most likely arise...

Go it girl, do it, get it done and start living your life!!!!!!!!