Need Help Re: Disclosure to Possibly Unsupportive People

[jgandg 0]

I have not told my father or stepmother about my upcoming surgery. We're not super close, though we live about 10 miles from each other. My father's birthday is 2 days before my surgery and I am wondering if I should tell him when I see him to give him his present.

Here's the thing: my father is horribly judgmental about women's weight. He often comments on it, and he did it to me when I was growing up. I think that in part my getting fat was in defiance of him - being exectly what he didn't want me to be. Nothing is more important to him in a woman than appearance - not intelligence, compassion, humor, etc.

We have had a very strained relationship for years. I am currently trying to decide how much I want him in my life, and I feel like if I don't tell him about the band, then I am making a decision to NOT be close to him, a decision I wasn't feeling ready to make yet.

But then I think, why tell him? It would be undermining my success. If I had to predict his behavior based on past experience, he would be initially very supportive (like he was with any diet), then turn to put-downs, teasing, and being the misogynist that he is.

I suppose by writing this I am answering my own question: that I should not tell him, if I want to protect my self, and respect the band and the great lengths I am going to to get healthy. It's just hard b/c it's bringing up all these issues I have with him.:cry

Thanks for listening. If you have any advice/insight/encouragement I'd love to hear it.

[Alexandra 55]

I think you're right, you have answered your own question. The decision to tell or not tell other people should be based ONLY on whether that person's knowing will help you in your journey. That's the yardstick I used, and as such I didn't tell most family members and colleagues. Pick and choose carefully, and keep your interests paramount. There will be plenty of time for him to discover how you're losing weight, but for now you have to concentrate on you.

If you don't need his help, don't tell him. You're a big girl and can make these decisions on your own.

[Woodys 0]

The detailed description you gave of your Father with respect to how he regards women is answer enough. If appearance is the most important attraction and feature of a woman to him.....then would his support be genuine....or just as shallow as his regard towards women?

Only you know that answer for sure. There could be many different reasons that you are losing weight.......does he, or any one else really need to know which method is working for you.....quite frankly, its no one's business but your's.

I understand the need to share your experience with someone, or a small network of support individuals who you can express your excitement, your highs and lows, etc........be very selective and choose to tell only those who will be there for you in a strong positive way for the long haul. For those who you wish not to know but ask questions and comment....just tell them that you are working very hard at being careful and sensible with your eating habits and make it clear that you are living this minute by minute every day and don't wish to dwell on it...end of conversation........they don't need to know anymore than that.

Good Luck

Carol

[want2lose 1]

I am currently trying to decide how much I want him in my life, and I feel like if I don't tell him about the band, then I am making a decision to NOT be close to him, a decision I wasn't feeling ready to make yet.

I dont think not telling him means you dont want to be close to him. I am very close to my parents and sisters, I talk with them pretty much everyday (sometimes more then once). I chose not to tell them about my surgery because I just don't want to be judged. I made my decision and talked with my husband about it. I did a lot of research and felt very comfortable with my choice. I didn't need validation from anyone else, and I don't want people (even family) constantly asking me how it's going. My family all as varying degrees of weight issues. Weight was not something discussed when I was growing up. At any given point some of us are on a diet, and everyone has their own opinion what are good diets (mom = low fat diet, sister = exercise more, me = south beach). My mom couldn't understand why we wouldn't always eat her low fat food (remember snackwells???) even though they were full of sugar. Everyone has an opinion, and I'm a 37 y/o woman that doesn't want to hear them from my family.

Good luck with your decision. You can always tell him later if you choose not to now.

[KariK 0]

I agree with everything these first three women who replied to your post had to say.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. I had to see a professional about it because I just couldn't figure out what to do with her anymore. And like you I was thinking about completely cutting her out of my life at one point. But through therapy I learned how to have appropriate boundaries to protect myself from her problems. We now have a pretty good relationship. If she doesn't behave, she doesn't get to spend time with me. She is not by any means my best friend and I don't share a lot of aspects of my life with her. But I see her and talk with her often and I feel like we have a bond. She has no idea that she is in the dark about a lot of things about me but as long as its working for us thats ok.

I have a happy marriage, sweet kids, a life Im proud of. I didn't tell her about my band and I don't plan to. I'm very happy with the decision I made. Actually by keeping things from her, thats how I can be closer to her. She is just a troubled person, and it took me a long time to realize that it was me who had to protect myself for myself. I chose I wanted her in my life. I continue to choose that. Lucky for her lol. I don't know if this makes sense to you. Hope it helps in some way though. Good luck with your band!!!

[Wheetsin 714]

My only question would be, do you feel you need his support to succeed?

[Josette 2]

I wouldn't tell him until much later because you don't want him saying things to you like "I would have thought you'd have lost more then you have by now!" next time you see him. If they think you're doing it on your own with no tool then they're less likely to make negative comments to you about things they don't understand.

[Alexandra 55]

1) we can not control the behavior of other people;

2) we can learn how to control the power we give other people over our own lives

:clap2: :clap2: :clap2:

Wiser and more profound words were never uttered...

[Teresita 0]

Just think of the joy he will recieve just seeing how good you look and knowing that you are healthier. Don't down play it by telling him you had surgery. A lot of people don't understand that it is still hard work to lose weight with or without the band.

[jgandg 0]

I can't thank all of you enough. Really. Thank you.

My only question would be, do you feel you need his support to succeed?

No. I have support from my husband and dear friends. You are right - this is the key question.

I think telling him would be dangerous - it would open myself up to more of his judgements. I think this is just the first conscious thing I am doing to remove myself from his "gaze", from his judgement. It is what I've been working on for the past year in therapy, and now it's like I'm really putting my independence from him into action.

[LapBandit1 0]

The decision I made to have this surgery was all about me. Not anyone else. I wanted to be healthy to have fun with my Gkids and enjoy my life. I'd simply had enough of feeling bad. Please settle this within your self before having the surgery as doing this for anyone other than you will not help you to suceed. Hey girl, ITS ALL ABOUT YOU! Who cares what anyone else thinks.... even him. Be selfish, you deserve to be healthy in body and mind and I'm sure your husband feels the same way. Move on and be who you really want to be. I told the people who I knew would be happy and supportive and its worked. Heck with the rest of the naysayers or negative people. Its all about me now!

Good Luck to you and don't forget...ITS ALL ABOUT YOU NOW:clap2:

[jojo41 0]

I also agree with all the above posts.

I have a similar relationship with my mother. Appearance is everything to her. I started gaining weight about 8 years ago and along with my body shape my relationship with her also changed.

First she became VERY embarressed of my weight and would make excuses to people about my appearance (She has PCOS you know....was her usual way of introducing me to people).

Then she became very judgemental of me, not just my weight gain but every aspect of my life (my career choice, my parenting skills, etc).

Next came hostility......."why don't you just DO something about your size???" or "You're not wearing THAT are you???"

In the last couple of years it's become pity....she would give me these sad looks like I was dying or something and make comments like "you must be so tired all the time" or "don't clean the whole house you might have a heart attack or something...just do one room each day".

So when I finally decided to have my WLS I spoke at lenghth to my husband and the psychologist about whether I should tell her.

My husband said a definite NO!......he believed she would definitely judge me on my choice.

The psychologist also pointed out that these type of people (with very over enflated egos and views) often have big reactions to things they don't understand or disapprove of and that I must decide if it was "worth the trouble".....she was also concerned that my mother would also try to "sabotage" my weight loss efforts.

In the end I decided it was NOT worth the drama.

I saw my mother 3 days ago and she actually seemed a little "hostile" and critical about my recent weightloss.

My brother was at my parents house and when I walked in the door he said "Wow look at you ...you've lost alot of weight....lookin good!"

My mother just looked me up and down, sighed and said "but she's got a LONG way to go to look normal again".

Need I say anymore!

[jgandg 0]

JoJo your mom's reaction was awful! It's really sad when a parent can't be happy for your success, isn't it? Good for you for making the best choice for youself.

[threebeauties 0]

Hi

I was just poking around and came across this thread. It interested me because I am being banded next week and chose to only tell my husband and 2 friends. I am very close with my family (my parents are deceased) but feel that this is vey personal for me and I too, don't want to be judged. It is such a personal decision .

Jo-Jo?

I am so sorry to hear of your experience. It is very sad when family, esp a parent cannot be supportive. It must have been very difficult for you.

You are doing the right thing. You are taking care of yourself and your family and that is what is important. Keep us the good work!

I have had these nagging feelings because I am telling so many "white lies" and I am sure it will be much worse after I'm banded next week. It is still going to be a struggle to lose the weight and I think people who don't understand the band will not understand that. It is not a quick fix as so many see it as.

Good luck to all, I'm done ranting:)