Has Surgery Changed Anyone's Marriage? Good Or Bad

[303Gal 1]

My biggest fear is that this surgery will ruin my marriage. My husband is supportive and all (now), but will my lifestyle change affect my marriage to the point of no return? My husbaNd is a bigger gentleman, but not unhealthy. A lot of our lifestyle revolves around food. We have no children, so we indulge in vacation time, trying the new hip restaurants, even a few weeks ago we took a cooking class. When we first met, one of our connections was that we are not mountain bikers or hikers, in short, we are not terribly active. The thing is, I think I'm not active because I'm fat. So what if when I have the surgery and im thinner, I want to be more active and he doesn't? What if i dont want to waste time or money going to expensive restaurants since I will not be eating as much ( and not getting my money's worth) and it irritates him? Is our all inclusive vacation going to be a waste since i wont drink or eat so much? What if im just not fun anymore? :0( It saddens me to think this, but even my shrink said that relationships change when one makes such a big lifestyle change. Has anyone gone through this? Would like to hear good and bad stories, please. Thank you!

[phillygirl8133 74]

What changed for me if going out to restaurant in the beginning I'm still post op but we find new things to do like walks or a drive to a lake jet skiing

[phillygirl8133 74]

U can still do all those things I just look at it as a good thing that I can't eat like that anymore your going to look amazing eat right smaller portions you don't have to stop your life because of wls I can still eat 3 small meals a day. And 4 20oz bottle of fluids so you wil be ok

[carbgrl 119]

I think it gets better. I feel better about myself so I'm generally happier. My husband is eating better because I cooking better. We're both more motivated to exercise more so we're going on more walks and to the gym. Oue sex life is better. We still enjoy going to resturants. Some times we share a meal. I still enjoy cooking good healthy food. Best of all we're both getting healthier and hopefully will have many more years together.

[NCsleever63 53]

My biggest fear is that this surgery will ruin my marriage. My husband is supportive and all (now), but will my lifestyle change affect my marriage to the point of no return? My husbaNd is a bigger gentleman, but not unhealthy. A lot of our lifestyle revolves around food. We have no children, so we indulge in vacation time, trying the new hip restaurants, even a few weeks ago we took a cooking class. When we first met, one of our connections was that we are not mountain bikers or hikers, in short, we are not terribly active. The thing is, I think I'm not active because I'm fat. So what if when I have the surgery and im thinner, I want to be more active and he doesn't? What if i dont want to waste time or money going to expensive restaurants since I will not be eating as much ( and not getting my money's worth) and it irritates him? Is our all inclusive vacation going to be a waste since i wont drink or eat so much? What if im just not fun anymore? :0( It saddens me to think this, but even my shrink said that relationships change when one makes such a big lifestyle change. Has anyone gone through this? Would like to hear good and bad stories, please. Thank you!

Hi Newbie,

All really good questions and thoughts, I have them myself. But, what if you did not lose weight and get healthy, what if your pre-surgery weight makes you sick to a point where you could not do any of it anyway? What if you get hit by a bus tomorrow? (metaphorically of course) You can still do all those things, just in a healthier way. Its just time to only focus on you. Do whats right for you and not what if's. Go to those resturants, share a meal. Go on vaction, choose wisely (do you ever really eat and drink enough vs the cost, I would bet not) Just know that its about you, your health and well being. He loves you, and will be there for you, yes relationships change even without WLS. Be strong.

[kyllfalcon 768]

I'm so lucky. My 22-year marriage was already good, and I feel it is even better post WLS. Why?

I am healthier and much more mobile. Hubby still does his fair share of chores, but I am able to do so much more around the house that I couldn't before. I am holding up my end, and that makes us both happy that I can.

I look and feel so much better, and that makes me so much happier. And that makes him so much happier.

He has lost over 30 pounds by just cutting back his servings, because we don't eat out all the time and because I don't bake all that good stuff anymore except for family dinners. Because we are both healthier, we are freed from so many worries about stroke, heart attack and dying young, or even worse, becoming severely disabled. It could still happen, but it's a lot less likely!

I truly believe that if the marriage is stable, each partner is secure in the union, and the couple is together because they really want to be, getting healthy and happy can only make it better. If this is not the case, then the drastic changes may take their toll.

[Lilu 65]

In my opinion a relationship ship built on anything other than love,understanding and the most important thing communication are doom to fail. If you ca call your mate a friend you will be okay. I hae children and the weight lost has hange my marriage in a way that has made my hubby and I happier. Bause we have kids we can't get the amount of alone time that we wish but he trys t do little get aways and we still try out new resturants. Eventhough this is TMI the best thing I am enjoying is my husband. I was the ft one in the relationship and sex ws a big issue, but not anymore.

I am looking forward to the changes in our marriage I am truly blessed he is a soulmate.

So look at the positive things that can happen. You enjoy the energy your going to gain and pray that your hubby can keep up.LOL

Good luck

[SpecialK1960 252]

I was afraid I would not be able to go out to eat as much (we eat out 5 days a week) and hang out in sports bars... You know what - it has not changed a thing.... well perhaps some.

Our bill is half as much. I often eat just a portion of my dinner (so what). I do not drink any more, but still hang out in sports bars. We are regulars at one and they do not care. At a new place I just order a cranberry juice so it looks like I am drinking - or I just get a tea and tough luck to anyone that notices.

We are season ticket holders at the Texas Rangers. I have missed a handful of games, but am back to going to just over 1/2 of them (my usual rate). I have found things I can eat there and so I have those and just enjoy myself. It is the same as before, except that I eat 1/4 of my meal. SO WHAT!

The bottomline is that you can still do the things you love, just a bit differently. I am still the curmudgeonly old grump I have been for years - just smaller.

It will take some time for adjustment, but then you will get into a new routine. I think for everyone it is a bit different. We have been able to keep our lifestyle pretty much the same, others may have bigger changes. Either way, it all seems to work out.

the one thing that was very hard for me at first was the eating out since we do it so much. When choosing where to go I would always complain that I did not want to go here or there becuase I did not want to pay 20 for dinner and eat a tiny portion. Well, I have gotten over that. I used to pay 20, and I still pay 20. If I enjoyed it before I can enjoy it now. The fact that it is a waste - well, that is unavoidable. We share sometimes, or if we can, we get a to-go bag. Just remember you are spending no more than before, so enjoy the meal and have a good time.

[t_rob 27]

Hey JGo. Don't worry about the dining out. You can still dine out at the same places. Of course, you may not be able to complete the meal, but that should be the least of your worries. Your focus should now be the conversation anyhow, not the food. And whatever you don't finish, you just take home and finish later. I mean, if it's a really good meal, you get to enjoy it multiple times. As for an all inclusive hotel, again, you may not consume as much at one time, but you will probably be hungry more often than your husband. This may help him incorporate 3-4 small meals as apposed to eating two massive meals like most of us use to do at all inclusive resorts and all you can eat buffets prior to wls.

For example, I love the buffets in Las Vegas. But the best buffets are $20. Of course, I can't eat that much food. But I found something that works for me. They have this deal in Vegas that I just found out about. For one price, you can enter and eat at several of the best buffets in Vegas for 24 hours! So, if I purchase this pass at dinner time, I can come back for Breakfast, lunch and dinner the next day. And if I just want a snack, I can enter for that too! Your all inclusive resorts are very similar. But whatever you do, DO NOT sabotage yourself just to make someone else comfortable with over eating. Seriously, in the past I've gone out to eat with others who didn't eat as much as I did, and that did not stop me from completing my meal. Once they were done, the focus was conversation. Once I was done, they wrapped their food and took it home... or not.

As for the activity, he'll either join you or not. Only if he is not secure in himself will he have a problem with your activity. Again, DO NOT sabotage yourself. And do not worry about it until you cross that bridge. We all have this same concern. But all you can do is reassure them that they have your heart and love, no matter what.

[chitowngirl 885]

I feel the Surgery can magnify things such as if you have a happy marriage post op you will feel your surgery is even better and vice versa. Me and my husband still eat out 1-2 a week, same restursnts we either share or if it's early in the day I'll have a whole order and save it for the rest of the day. I've noticed since I've been making better decisions, my husband has also been making better decisions also. Every time were together people compliment both of us on out weigh loss. I've always liked bike riding and now I've gotten my husband into it, and he bikes to work everyday. Couples grow and evolve together, it you foster it properly so will your marriage. Good luck.

[Webchickadee 716]

I'm just in the beginning phases of my post-op experience, so I can't give you my outcome yet, as it relates to my marriage. But I can give you some information about how things worked for us in the past, and how they are now.

My husband and I are both obese, though I was much more so than him. My BMI was in the mid-50s, and his was in the high low 40s! He has been off and on an Atkins-like diet for the past 3 years, with mixed results (as long as he stays on the diet!). But he has a bad right knee (waiting on a knee replacement) and uses that and a number of other "excuses" to not be active.

I myself used to be VERY active as a teen, but when I started university, I had to work a full time job to put myself through full time studies. No time for anything, especially exercise! I has always been obese, but gained over 150 lbs from age 19-42.

Since I had the surgery (and even before), my husband was very supportive, but always made it clear that he wanted to manage his situation his own way (ie. don't tell me what to do, just because you're doing it.....). I have respected that, and tried to approach it by giving him gentle "feedback" on his portion sizes, letting him know why drinking with meals is not good even for those who have not had the VSG, etc. I also bought us TWO Fitbits to see if I could get him off the couch, and on his feet more often.

So far, everything's worked very well and he's seeing benefits already. He has reduced his portion sizes (he now eats just one full plate of food at each meal, rather than 2 and sometimes 3 plates. He and I "friended" each other on our Fitbit profiles, and we have a little competition (purely for bragging rights!) about who's walked more each day or each week. He's probably walking 10x more than he did before the Fitbit!

Remember, this is a guy who's favourite activity used to be spending 12+ hrs playing a single player video game, and watching TV for 6-8 hours at a stretch. He practically had to have the couch surgically removed from his butt!

He's lot some weight (about 25 lbs) and is feeling more fit. I think he's starting to feel the benefits of having a higher activity level, without me nagging him. Nothing works as well as positive self-reinforcement!

I really don't know how things will stand between us when I lose another 125 lbs. I have never been below 177 lbs in my life (not even as a teen), so I don't know how I will be feeling/behaving, etc. I never did the "flirting" thing.....didn't get hit on by men.....didn't want to dress sexy or show off my body at all.

Who knows how I will feel when I'm at goal (135 lbs)? I've never been there (at least not since I was about 11 years old, and at that time, I was already obese!)

I love my husband and he loves me. We are only 2 years married (on Sept. 12 this year!) and he's only ever known me at my 300 lb+ size (+/- 40 lbs). He is a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, inside and out! And of course, I feel the same way about him.

But only the next year will show us how things will unfold. I believe (and this is a good general approach to marriage, I think) that the best way to avoid problems is to talk things out, as early as they start to appear and make waves. That way we're both on the same page and facing the issues rather than avoiding them and letting them build up into mountains. Mole hills are easier to break down and conquer!

Good luck and try not to let any fear of "what will happen in the future" impact your decision now to get healthier. Above all, I'm sure your husband wants to have you in his life as long as possible and that is obviously going to improve with your weight loss. Similarly, he probably wants to be with you and in your life as long as possible and perhaps he will come to realize that somehow joining you in your new lifestyle will give you additional years together that are happy, healthy and a new direction you can share.

Good luck!

[bethL 48]

I was worried about the same thing. I almost didn't Want to have the surgery becuse of the lifestyle change. I live in New Orleans. food and alcohol are everything! We talked it out and by the time it came to schedule surgery, he was ready for the lifestyle change. I hope we both become active together. I also hope that eventually, we will be able to eat chargrilled oysters and bread pudding- even if it's just a small taste!

[Dooter 1,457]

My husband has been getting all jacked up over my shrinking booty!! Can't keep him off of me...I love it!! We're like a coupla teenagers or something! I think a lot of it has to do with my attitude and confidence as well.

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

The unfortunate statistics are that the divorce rate is signifigantly higher in couples when one person in the relationship loses a large amount of weight.

This can be attributed to many things, a few of which are.

~ views on health no longer aligning (diss agreements on lifestyle)

~ your partner becoming jealous/possessive

~ the "loser" becoming more confident and thus demanding better treatment than was previously accepted

~ your partner feeling that you are now out of his/her league- afraid you will be seeking someone "better"

I do know that reassuring your spouse that you are there for the long haul & that you have no interest outside of your relationship goes a long way.

[Sleeved&Hopeful 182]

My husband and I never really bonded over food that much. We went out to dinner once or twice a month before surgery and we still do. I just order the best thing i can find on the menu (usually fish/veggies shrimp/veggies or chicken) and I always have left overs that last me for days. My husband never really bothered me about my weight in the past and for that I am very grateful. If these had been issues--I'm sure we'd have problems. Thankfully my weight never caused arguments or rude comments from him and we never bonded over eating out or cooking large meals. I think some marriages do have strife after WLS--we see threads on here sometimes about it--but sometimes the marriages were already rocky before. Sometimes the weight loss and changes do cause problems. Maybe talk to your husband about your concerns so he can voice any concerns he has. Wish you all of the best.