Need Opinions On Non Wls Related Issue

[chitowngirl 885]

Ok, so I would like some input on a situation, that is. It biased as it would be coming from friends and family. It's kinda long sorry.

I have been married for 5 years. When I Met my husband he had custody of his daughter. Which I thought was very admirable and that is one of the things that attracted me to him. So once into our courtship, it became apparent that my mil was primary care taker of my stepdaughter. As my inlaws own a apartment building and my husband lived with them (in his own apartment). So a few months before the wedding we find out that my stepdaughter (15 years old) is pregnant. Back round info on me is that I am very independent as I didnt really have my parents, and I was a single mother @ that time. So my stepdaughter came to live with us once my husband moved in with me. To make a long story short my SD would come and go as she pleased, come home for a day to wash clothes and go back to her moms house where she was able to have her boyfriend sleep over. I told my husband this was not acceptable as I have my son and don't want him to think that kind of behavior is acceptable. So SD decided to go live with my MIL. My mil has taken total responsibility for the baby and as far as feeding, buying clothes, bathing, taking to school, park, ect.

So I've noticed this is a trend that seems pretty common with my inlaws. My dilemma is that the grandson who is 5 isn't really well behaved. He doesn't know how to sit down and eat. We took him to Disney last year. I had such a miserable time as did my son, and it was our first trip there. The grandson has no sense of routine, eating, bathing, behavior. So while I do care about the grandson, and I will buy him things. I feel a big disconnect. I know if this was my sons child i would be so in love and do so much more. When it comes to taking him places, 90% of the time I will leave it upto my husband to do on his own. As i work full time and go to school, and just dont have the energy to deal with the situation. What time and energy i do have goes to my son and husband.

I do know when it comes to parenting my husband and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I tend to be very involved in my 15 year old sons life. My husband and I do not nor do we plan on having children together. At times I just feel bad because I know that I give my son so much more than my husband gave his daughter and now his grandson. I know my son is younger and in a different situation, but I can see myself helping my son when he is 21 to a certain extent (in a healthy way) ie if he is in college and needs extra cash. I do work and make my own $$ so the things I provide for my son comes from me. Since my husband would have to provide any extras for his daughter and grandson with his $$ he really doesn't do it. I do feel bad and will get them stuff for the holidays and birthdays, but it goes unnoticed, and I refuse to keep on doing it. For example I bought him a Nintendo dsi last Christmas ($200) and have seen it only once and never again. So I did tell my hubby that he will have to buy them their stuff, which he will, but I'm sure the gifts will not be as nice as The ones I got. So should I just let dead dogs lie, and leave one enough alone.

[CdnExpat 49]

If the issue is causing conflict between you and your husband, best to hie yourself off to a professional to a) get on the same page, and learn how to deal with the problem together.

If it's not causing conflict, and the issue is the expectations/rules you have about what parenting should look like, maybe try some reading? Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend), The Smart Stepmom (Ron L. Deal) or Hang on to your Kids (Gordon Neufeld) are good choices. Or, you could talk with a professional about the situation.

Or, alternatively, you could "let sleeping dogs lie."

CE

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

Wow, you are not going to like me very much..

What I see here is a woman married to a boy. You went out and found someone you thought you could fix. I hate to tell you this, but you can't fix him or his family of enablers.

Secondly, when you got married, didn't the preacher(or whoever) say the words "and now you are one"? What is all this "I support this" and "he can buy for that" stuff? Doesn't even sound like much of a marriage to me.

Do you both have common goals that you are both working toward together? Or are you simply two individuals living under one roof bonded by a piece of paper?

Where would he be if you split up & he couldn't run back to his grandparents? Can he stand on his own two legs?

I would highly recommend reading the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud. If at all possible I'd recommend he read it also.

[chitowngirl 885]

Otr...haha. I'm so totally not offended. My husband is a great provider, but I don't think that he has ever own up to his responsibilities, not because he wasn't capable of it, but because my mil always stepped in and took over. She is like that with all of her kids. That stopped once we got married. Unfortunately my mil is coming in and taking over again with the grandson. I really do like my in laws, but I do keep a distance.

Maybe at one time I did try to come in and take over, and try to be superwoman. But I'm so no there anymore. Hence the separate finances. We are a unit, and I feel there is much more than a piece of paper holding us together. However my husband was raised very differently, I'm a go getter do what ever has gotta be done kind of person, and my husband is not.

I will definitely read the book you suggested. I guess ultimately I need to feel at peace with the whole difference of parenting thing. I know there are many things that tear couples apart, I appreciate your perspective, as I try to strengthen my marriage and myself.

[Forensikchic 528]

Well, I have a blended family too and I came from one. If I were in your situation, I would let your husband be responsible for his family and you for yours. Thats how we do it. My husband does not have kids but he buys for his mom, dad, siblings and stuff. I dont take on that role. My oldest son is about to marry a girl that is pregnant with his kid but she has a 5 year old too. I like the little girl but I dont really know her. They dont come around too often. I bought her a nice xmas last year (first year we have known her). I know when my real grandson gets here, he will be my first and I dont want to go super crazy for him and not her too. She does have two sets of real grandparents though and i am just her step grandma. It gets confusing on what is the right thing to do.

Back to you... I think that there doesnt need to be a rift in your family about this. Just let him handle his kid and grandkid and you handle your kid. There is literally nothing you can do about how your grandbaby acts if he isnt being raised by you. You can make him behave at your house and while he is with you but the poor kid will be all confused about what to do where. I feel for you on this one. Hopefully as he gets older he will have more structure. I know I plan on my grandson having structure at Mimi's house whether he has any at home or not. HTH

[chitowngirl 885]

@ forensikchic thanks. I guess I just wanted to know I'm not a beast of a person for having my husband handle his people and me handle my people. Now a days with so many blended families, it's hard to know what is wrong and what is right.

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

One thing to consider also is living really close to his or your parents probably isn't the best thing for your relationship. I know the best thing we ever did was pack up and move 1000miles away from our parents no more interfering and nobody to easily run to.

[kwindham 57]

Oh, lordy, I am in a blended family as well. However my dh has no kids at all and I have 2 teenage boys who are quite a handfull.. We married when they where 3 and 5 so we have been together most of there lives, one is almost 14 and the other is 16. My dh was raised with not much love in his household, no support, etc and I was raised by 2 loving parents (happily married 39 years now) so we definately have different backgrounds and that proves to be a problem on occasion. His dad yelled at him when he did something wrong, and mine sat me down and explained to me why it was wrong. Dh then wound up in jail at an early age for DWI, and I have never been in trouble. DH now struggles with how to relate to teenage kids, because he was never given a role model, but he doesn't want them to end up like he did either, so he tends to be overly strict. I on the other hand tend to be overly lenient, until they have committed something that deserves a grave consequence. Example, it makes him crazy if their rooms and bathrooms aren't cleaned, it doesn't bother me, the boys have the 2 floor all to thereselves so as long as I don't have to see it, it doesn't really bother me.. Finacially, dh has never put boundaries on what I spend on them. He bought the oldest a nice used truck for his 16th bday, but expects him to get a job and buy his own gas (as do I).

My point is, blended families are HARD!!! It is a constant give and take to find out what works and what doesn't. Sometimes one partner has to give more than the other. I buy for his family (parents etc) for holidays, birthdays, etc simply because he works so hard to provide for us I don't mind. And I honestly feel sorry for him (or anyone else for that matter) that is raising someone elses kid. I would not want to do it. It has to be hard to figure out where you as a step parent fit into this kids life. Life is hard enough without added drama.

My question for you is this, (there is no wrong answer so don't be offended) How will your conscience feel if you stop doing for this child? or buying for him? Didn't you say he was only 5? If you keep seperate finances from dh, maybe a compromise would be to tell him you need X amount $ and you go and pick up the holiday gifts etc? Once again, please don't be offended, I am just offering ideas and mean no hard feelings.

[CdnExpat 49]

One thing to consider also is living really close to his or your parents probably isn't the best thing for your relationship. I know the best thing we ever did was pack up and move 1000miles away from our parents no more interfering and nobody to easily run to.

Oh, do I get this one! We were both 18 when we got married (celebrated 30 years last month) and the VERY best thing we did was move far, far away from both families for the first five years. (My mil still hasn't forgiven me for "making" her oldest son move ;D We've never told her it was his idea.)

What great collective wisdom and counsel there is in this group! ❤❤

[smb 75]

Why don't you both contribute to a "gift budget" for the kids, and everyone gets equal from there. Anything extra you give to your son is from mom, you can give it to him later.

A key to blended families (having come from a failed one) is on some level, acting as just a normal family -- not his half and her half.

[peacequeen 434]

I hope I don't offend either..not my intentions at all. I really sympathize with you. When I married my husband, I married his kids too and vice versa. I have always done the shopping and keep it very equal no matter what. And as for my grandbabies, I have 3 biological and 1 grandson from a stepdaughter. I give him the same and treat him the same as if he were mine. When I put myself in a blended family there is a responsibility on my husband and my part to be as normal as possible,,not only for our own sanity but to set a sound example for all the kids..we have 6 between the 2 of us btw. We don't really have in laws, our parents have passed on so I can't comment or give any advice. I just found it odd all the talk of his money, my money,,his kids,,my kids. You guys sound so seperate. Maybe start discussing and including each other. Make a list of all that you both need to buy for and involve your husband whether he likes it or not. As for buying gifts..I'd never buy a 200.00 dsi or anything of the sort for a 5 year old..leave that to the parents and keep it simple. You may not have heard anything about it or seen it again,,cause he probably broke it.lol

[chitowngirl 885]

No offense taken. I really wanted to get different opinions of how people handle their blended families, and I do appreciate all opinions. Everyone has different approaches and no one is right or wrong. I do understand that it is a process, I'm just trying to find what works best for us.

[AKSleever 57]

Not to offend you! But where's your back bone! That 15 year old had no real guide, no real mom around, and when you married she was looking for it! Kids do things like that, but as parents we are responsible to say no it's not in the best interest of the Child!

As for your Grandchild, set rules and boundaries explain to your husband that If the child wants to be at your house there is a set of expectations that need to be addressed! If that means writing the rules and posting them in your house then that's what you have to do! Just because your in laws don't have expectations and rules doesn't mean you shouldn't!

As for presents, just because you don't see the kids using them or liking them doesn't mean you quit the effort! You don't treat children that way! You have to put in effort to find the things they like! Ask the kiddo to make a list of gift ideas during the holidays and birthdays! Sometimes kids get so much crap they forget what they have or it just is something that really isn't what they are interested in!

I am a single mom also! I am very independent and every kid that comes in my house knows I have expectations on behavior and that there is house rules and if they can't do the rules then they probably shouldn't come over! Don't get me wrong my daughter has her moments but she also knows there is consequences for those actions!

[chitowngirl 885]

Aksleever, I cannot pretend to be someone's mother, she has her mother and she choose not to stay with us as we did explain there was rules in our home. The result she left to live with my inlaws. I cannot force someone to obide by my rules, especially when she refuses to even come over our house. For the last 6 years I have endlessly tried to reach out. It just comes to a point when it consumes too much me. My grandson asked for the dsi l, that is the reason I bought it for him, and for the record she let him take it with him to her moms house, and we never saw it again. by the way she is now 21, so for me trying to force her to do something is ridiculous, especially when my husband her father has a whole differen concept of parenting. It is ridiculous for me to even tackle the task of trying to play a parental role when it is obvious my input is not wanted or needed according to them.

Pretty much the only time they want my input on any thing is when it comes to money. I've just gotten to the point where it's not working for me anymore. I have a 15 year old son that I have to put thru private high school, because. Hicago public schools just plain suck, not to mention put myself thru my last year of college. My priority is my son, and if someone is not concerned enough about their own child then I'm sort but I just dont have the time nor the energy to try to save the world.

Don't judge until you've walked a day in my shoes. And your tone is very arrogant and offensive.

[AKSleever 57]

You married in so you are her step mother! And if you chose you can make them follow your rules! And yes I have walked a mile in those same shoes with a step child! Age doesn't matter you have to lay down rules and stick with them no matter what! If you don't they rule you! In laws are a pain in the ass, but who cares if you have your own rules and stuck with them! And the kids should matter no matter what age! Yes your frustrated understanding! But no matter what your still a parent and grandparent! We don't allow the kids to take cloths or expensive toys to the other parents house! There is just rules they know they have to follow! Sorry if this offends you, but you get what you put effort into it! I understand you reach out, but you haven't connected! Sometimes it takes a thousand ways to connect and you just have to keep trying! As for house rules if they won't abide then they can't come over till they will, that's consequences for there actions! And until they take you serious then that's what you have to do! But why make your life hell! Sometimes tough love is hard!