Spouses And Surgery

[dithdith26 3]

Has anyone had a change in their spouses once they had VGS? I am scheduled for surgery on 8/7/12 and the closer the days get to surgery, the more arguments my husband starts with me. Any suggestions?

[Pookeyism 1,143]

Yes and no - the arguing may be from sooo many different things - you have to look at it to see...are you maybe not tending to your chores where you are focused on this - or is it him having difficulty expressing his feelings over it?

hav eyou discussed it and watched his body language? and make sure you are both on the same page about understanding your finances during all this.

Hope it helps - and since it already starting, maybe go to a counselor now.

[MegInNOLA 531]

Hang in there. He's worried about a lot of things, I imagine. Will you be okay through the surgery? Will you still want him after you're thin? How will both of you handle the "new you"? Communication is the key. Something along the lines of, "I've noticed that we're having more arguments lately. I wonder if we can talk about what's bothering us." Use "us" and "I" and "me" more than "you" so it doesn't feel accusatory. Maybe giving him the opportunity to express his concerns and fears will help clear the air.

Hugs to you!

[Laurabr1 15]

dithdith26

remember this is big, not just for u but him as well. my husband has heard alot of stories about wives leaving after they loose the weight. and he asked me would i. of course i laughed at him and assured him IM not going anywhere. he says a lot of men feel that way. so ur husband can be afraid of u changing. r leaving. he could feel neglected since u r wrapped up in pending surgery. make sure u r paying attention to him. assure him he will not loose u. b4 , during, or after surgey. they don't express like us but they still feel like us. b blessed

[dithdith26 3]

In have noticed that the more pepople I seak with about this all tend to say the same thing. "He is insecure and is scared you are going to leave him". But then how to approach that subject to someone who counsels people for a living? Whats that saying, the counslor who doesn't need counseling? Yea, that;s my life right now.

[mel2643 68]

I understand completly as when I first spoke to my husband about this subject he was dead set against it . I waited for a good time to approach him and get him on board , He finally did however called me from work ( he is a police officer ) and said one of the officers had the lap band and mentioned that their is a higher divorce rate when WLS is concerned . It took a while however the insecurity is there .. I am 37 and have been with my husband since I was 14 , I just made it clear that I only want to experience this with him to make a better us ... Good Luck , send prayers your way ....

[sdb1147 54]

The only way to filter out muddy Water is to filter it out then determine what's causing the mud. Communications is kind of like that.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

dithdith26

Your husband is probably concerned about a possible change in your marriage with your soon to be weight loss. it might intimidate him.

As for mel2463 said, her husband is "concerned" because there have been problems w/between other people, and the policeman who said "one of the officers who had a lapband said "there is a higher divorce rate when WLS is concerned" not sure where that statistic could have come from

Probably after WLS some spouces of might show their insecurities, or the person who had the surgery now feels strong enough to be on their own, or look for themselves for a change.......I don't know - but things do change, - we can't be afraid of change though

i had close to 100 lbs to lose. when i started my journey.

DH never had a problem after my WLS

he periodically refers to me as "skinny ass". He is pleased with my weight loss. Lots of thing have changed now for us for the better.

the first time he noticed a big difference in my weight loss was in bed

continue your plans for 8/7 - it will be the best decision you've ever made - don't let anyone talk you out of something you want to do

hope your hubby will realize sooner than later, how good this is for you and him - point out how much healthier and happier you will feel - which should be contagious onto him

good luck

kathy

[thetruedream 54]

Maybe insecure..

My husband wasnt happy about me getting the sleeve.. so I didn't insist.. now after 6months he told.me.." you never ask for nothing.. you want to get sleeve.? Ok.. give me a good reason."

I told him cause I want to be healthy and feel pretty.I want to look in the mirror and like myself. I want to get a chance to see my grandkids...

Next day.. he came home from work gave a kiss in my forehead took out his wallet and gave me a credit card. He said " I want you to be healthy so we can age together..

Talk to him listen to each other. Communication is the key.

I Also have a friend who lost 115 lbs left her husband and became a stripper.. messed up.. but reality..

My husband know I'm just dedicated to my kids..

Your husband should know the real you..

Good luck.!!

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

I want you to be healthy so we can age together..

thetruedream,

what a sweet/nice nice thing to hear

i loved that sentiment that DH sent you.

he was wrong initially about stuff he said earlier, that being said,.....

he finally came to his senses, and realized this is the best thing for you & him.

congrats on your pending WLS

good luck

kathy

ps your guy is a keeper

[dithdith26 3]

Thank everyone for your wonderful words of encouragement. He is very difficult to read right now, maybe thats whay I just work for doctors and he is the counselor! I am going to take him on a "date night" and just get one on one with him so he can see my heart ans where I am coming from. After all, in reality, I do not want addiction to food killing me. i want to be around long enough to grow old with him and see our son get married, finish school, and have children! I am taking it as if he won't make the cahnge in our house, I will suck it up and make the changes for us!!....although I will surely miss Cold Stone Creamery!!

[thetruedream 54]

thetruedream' date='

what a sweet/nice nice thing to hear

i loved that sentiment that DH sent you.

he was wrong initially about stuff he said earlier, that being said,.....

he finally came to his senses, and realized this is the best thing for you & him.

congrats on your pending WLS

good luck

kathy

ps your guy is a keeper [/quote']

Thank u... He is...

Good luck .. let him think give it time....

[TJ1 9]

Some people seem to think that losing weight is easy, and that all you have to do is diet, and exercise.... My Hubby is one of them. Although, I am so thankful that he agreed to pay for my upcoming procedure, July 27th, I know that he thinks it's insane, and drastic, that I am having SURGERY to lose weight. But, then, I also know that he looks at me differently since having our child, and gaining this weight. I'm a stay at home Mother of a rambunctious two year old. I have no time to exercise. My child is constantly under my feet, or glued to my side. I LOVE my child with all my heart, but, I can't focus on myself since becoming a Mother. I've tried losing weight other ways, and it doesn't work. Anyhow, my point is that I think many of us have partners who aren't as supportive as they could be. I'd love to go into my procedure feeling like he supported me. But, I know that isn't going to happen. I have decided to seek counseling for us to start on after the procedure. I know it will be good for us, and for me. People who aren't overweight don't understand the difficulty we face feeling huge, not wanting to go anywhere , etc... I pray my procedure goes well, and that I'm back to my happy, positive, outgoing person , the person I use to be before gaining all this weight. I know that family and friends are going to criticize and judge me. So, I'm not telling anyone . Good luck with your Husband. Reading these forums, I see that we aren't alone in having less than supportive spouses. Best of luck to all who have had the procedure, and to those who are going to have the procedure! : )

[SweetTee 448]

Dithdith26

I think far to often we get use to the "norm" and when the idea of change comes into the picture, the "what ifs" scares the crap out of some people. Most women tend to have a much easier time expressing their true inner feelings, men tend to usually keep their feelings under wrap. Their like an onion sometimes, you have to peel through each layer one by one to get to the real deal, and once your there tears might flow! I never understood why men have such a hard time expressing themselves. Nevertheless I agree with the rest of the forum, reassure him that you do love him and NEED him to be by your side through this. (they need to feel needed). Tell him that your feelings for him won't change and I've always believed in keeping things direct....ask him if he's fearful of something or feeling insecure. But most of all give him that reassurance that you will still be the person he married and the one that loves him unconditionally. Good luck on your journey to sleeve. I can hardly wait to join you!

[New1 201]

Even though I've read numerous posts about this topic I did not think about my own marriage until recently. I met my husband when I was thinner so I really didn't think about how things might change if I got thin again. I am 4 months out and the past 3 months had been terrible as far as my husband and I arguing and not being on the same page. We never really argue or disagree so I felt something must be wrong. I didnt ask about specifics because I can't ever read my husband either, I just mentioned that I felt like we weren't on the same page. We sat down and talked about our 5 year plan and I think he got the sense that he's still in my plans and I was able to focus in him and give him attention that I probably haven't given him since I started focusing on myself with this weight loss journey in April of last year. My husband is definitely one who does not like change and no one can predict how lossing a lot of weight will affect the relationship.