I've Fallen And I Will Get Up!

[girlnamedNikki 19]

So as some of you read in previous posts, I definitely was having an easier than expected recovery. Which bothered me; I didn't want this to be easy, I wanted to throw up if I ate too much or the wrong thing, to me that seemed so much easier than the alternative - everything feeling the same. But that is what I got, stomach feels the same, I really don't feel a feeling of full and wasn't in much pain. This unfortunately led to me eating regular foods 4 days after my surgery and pushing my limits. I posted on here that it worried me that I would disregard my surgery and myself so easily. But alas even after confessing to my doctor he bumped me from liquids to puréed foods in hopes I would feel fuller and start feeling the feelings of fullness & discomfort I was hoping for. Nothing happened so i pushed a bit more, never in size but just in product. This time it was a loaded baked potato, only 2 tablespoons and mushed with milk, but still this was only leading to a bad place. Then day 5 I fell asleep without draining my drain and awoke to a very painful stomach, my container had filled up completely and hadn't drained in several hours - the port is irritated, my stomach is hard and sore and I feel icky to say the least. I went all of day 6 stressed out that I had a leak and bugged my doctor numerous times. He reassured me none of the symptoms I have are leakage related but more drain irritation. I confessed to my potato eating and that I was eating "soft foods" not puréed, he again said it was fine and to be aware of my Fluid intake, the drain coloring and whether or not I had a fever. None of which have changed, still can eat, still very little feeling of full, only difference is I now feel bloated, have painful stomach muscles, have not passed a BA and definitely feel like I should. And i was scared, is this the feeling of stretching my stomach? Did I have a leak? And then it hit me. What the hell am I doing!?!? I spent $20,000 I really don't have, I want to change my life and be healthier, fitter, sexier, smaller me and I couldn't even last 6 days!!!

So I put down my dinner, grabbed my stash of saltines, called my two closest friends and told them not to take my **** and to yell an scream and to help me. I am starting over, I'm back on my liquid diet, until Thursday which is when I can switch to puréed foods. I'm following my plan, retraining my brain, walking, and doing as I am told. I'm praying that I didn't actually do damage and that this pain is as the doctor is telling me and that I am lucky. Tomorrow is another day and I'm sure it won't be easy but I have to try.

I wanted to write this all down so that a) I'm accountable I can reassure myself c) maybe help someone else who may be in the same place as I am. If you've fallen off the horse or cheated or pushed your limits at any stage of this life change just know, tomorrow is another day, you deserve better for yourself, this isn't going to be easy but we will prevail!

xoxo

[Lissa 2,631]

Nikki, Please make an appointment with a therapist for yourself. Nobody wants to think they have a problem, but we all have a problem with food or we wouldn't be having most of our stomachs removed to deal with it. A few sessions with the therapist may help you get your mindset where you need it to be and might make all the difference in your head hunger issue.

I'm not sure if you're on an acid reducer, but that can help with some of the "hunger" you are feeling, if you are experiencing that sensation.

I hope you didn't damage anything either. It's good that you spoke to your doctor about your struggles. I think he should have given you a referral to someone to talk to at that time.

Good luck!

[girlnamedNikki 19]

Hi Lissa,

Great advice and I shall. Being a self pay I feel like I kind of have missed all the PRE-Op requirements of therapy, classes etc. which I now know are so important. Knowledge is power.

Thanks for the advice and I will call first thing.

Nikki xoxo

[chitowngirl 885]

First of all I have to say congrats, you were really pushing the boundaries, but you know what, you realized it and put an end to it, bravo. I hope now you realize the rules and steps your doctor has are there for your benefit. This is really a learning process, it doesn't happen over night. With a little patience, hard work and self evaluation you will get to where you need to be.

[Lissa 2,631]

Nikki, I was self-pay as well, so I understand what you're saying about missing all the pre-reqs. I've been seeing a therapist since before surgery and we've finally found a topic that she can't help me with: body image. She's a tall, slender runner who has never had a weight issue, so she's thrown when I talk about how I see myself (still huge, even after losing 110 pounds). But, even though she's not a bariatric specialist, she has helped tremendously on my journey. I had a tendency to eat my problems and I'm learning to be more assertive. The first few times I had a problem after surgery, I was literally lost because I had no idea how to cope. I think a lot of folks here can relate to that.

I think that therapy helps a ton with coping skills and helps us to not have cross-over addictions to alcohol and/or drugs.

[TinaMari 75]

We Fall Down But We Get Up!!!! Good for you Nikki. First off, reading how easy it has been for you reassures me (in a way). I'm scheduled for surgery tomorrow and am fearful of post op complications. So, reading how you've pretty much pushed your sleeve to the limit definitely brings reassurance to my fears. That's not to make light of the situation. But, I am so happy that you are not experiencing any complications with your sleeve AND that you have made a conscious effort to get yourself into the right state of mind. Kudos to you and I wish you the best of luck. You can do it !!!