What Does This Surgery Do To Relationships?

[Minckle 87]

It's amazing to me how many stories I've read on here where the relationships with long-time boyfriends and husbands, etc. self destruct after this surgery.

I've noticed this for a while and now I'M a victim, too.

I'm a month out and I just learned that my husband has been having an affair with one of the admins at his work. He swears it never got physical, but the emails between them are toe-curling, so it was a very emotional affair at the least. Apparently, it started while I was in the hospital. He told me that it was my fault that he was drawn to her because he felt abandoned by how much I've been sick. Obviously, I had the sleeve to FIX the diabetes, apnea, joint issues, etc. that were keeping me feeling so badly. Which is why the timing of the affair is so heartbreaking for me.

We are doing couples therapy, but I am incredibly hurt and I don't know how I will ever trust him again. I'd give up right now, but we have a beautiful daughter who is my #1 concern right now.

I don't say all this for sympathy, but simply because I am really struck by the amount of stories like this I've seen on here. I guess this procedure is so life changing that it becomes a true crucible test for relationships.

[KayBaby 26]

So sorry this has happened to you! Be strong and do what is right for you and your baby. It sounds like you are a great mom. Best wishes with the therapy also.

I do agree, this surgery is so life altering that it can shake things up for sure. My 23 yo marriage is fine, but I do find I now have more confidence than before and tend to stick up for myself more! If that becomes a problem, oh well....I have been there for hubby and kids and now is my time to take care of me!

[PdxMan 4,292]

Check out this article. I think it is pretty good.

[Rootman 1,101]

I to am sorry to hear it.

All I have to say i that what he told you is just a lie, and excuse to cover his actions. I for one am an adamant supporter of every story having two sides but his story just plain stinks. When you need him the most he ups and fools around on you.

Only you can make the decision of what you want out of it, to heal or not. Otherwise just dump his sorry ass and move on. Sorry to be blunt but I just really, really hate people who play games and lie.

I've been married 30 years and there has been a LOT of times it would of been easy to stray, opportunities have presented themselves or I could of MADE an opportunity. I have NOT strayed as I value my marriage, my wife and the solidity that it gives both of us.

[Supersweetums 1,164]

In all honesty, I don't think the surgery itself does anything to relationships. If a relationship ends in light of surgery, there were problems long before that. I think a couple of things happen. I think a lot of people are already in unhealthy relationships, but they stay because they have such low self worth that they think it is the best they can do. After surgery, we start to gain more confidence and feel better about ourselves. In turn, people end of leaving their significant other because they realize they are worth so much more.

In your case, I think your husband is just using it as an excuse. If he truly loved and respected you, he would have been there for you instead of fooling around on you. I agree that counseling is a good route, but staying together just for your daughter's sake is never a good way to go. How often do we hear people saying they stayed together for the children, when, in reality, it was the worst thing for them.

My husband has been nothing but supportive and my biggest cheerleader. He loved me at my heaviest and he loves me now. Best of luck with everything and do some deep soul searching to figure out what is best for everyone, including yourself!

[CAsleeve 56]

I want to second what Supersweetums said!

Your fault?!? What a bunch of crap! He had an affair and he is lying to you! And, he will do it again. Your surgery didn't create his disrespect nor disregard for you. No one deserves to live with or be with a cheating, disrespectful, selfish idiot. And he had the affair with a co-worker = scum bag.

Honestly, take a full assessment of the reality. You likely had issues way before your surgery. He cheated on you - doesn't matter if they had sex or not - he cheated on you and showed you a total lack of respect, flat out.

Can you both work it out and create a healthy, loving, respectful, honest, trusting relationship? It is possible. Anything is possible. Will he do it again, it is definitely possible. Love conquers all. If there is enough love between you and you can forgive that is up to you. Do what you want. He certainly is doing what he wants without regard to you.

I dunno...I personally wouldn't put up with a cheating man...unless that is the arrangements you have between the two of you.

Don't stay together because you have a child together. He had an affair and didn't consider how that would affect your child. Do what you need to do!

I wish you the best and peace at whatever decision you make. I do recommend asking for help and support in your family and group of friends. AND, talk about it. There is strength in asking for help and support.

One Love.

[SML1997 308]

He had an affair while you were in the hospital? Now that's just wrong on so many levels. His excuse is completely bogus. I hope you find happiness and good luck to you in your continued sleeve journey.

[allnewme 262]

This is so sad to read, I feel the pain that you are in right now. I have been married almost 30 years, we did survive infidelity but it took years to heal the hole that it left in our lives. His blaming you is wrong on so many levels. He needs to take the responsibilty for his actions and not try blaming you. I understand not wanting to divorce because of your daughter. You are in my prayers, because it takes a lot of those to heal the mess this has created. I wish you the best. Take one day at a time sweetie.

[littlebits 154]

Check out this article. I think it is pretty good.

Interesting...thanks for sharing!

Littlebits

[Minckle 87]

You guys are so awesome. Believe me, I'd give this a 1 in 10 chance of working out -- I'm not a doormat.

He's apologized for what he said and what he did, but the lack of respect and the lies are just not okay with me. I've never considered myself someone with self-esteem issues, so I wish I could say I should have read the signs and realized what a selfish ass he was capable of being... But I'm shocked and our friends and family are absolutely floored by his behavior. Even his guy friends are on my side. I've kicked him out already and have told him that the burden to resolve my trust issues are on him. He's playing nice for now, but if I had to write down my reasons for staying versus my reasons for leaving, one side would be MUCH longer than the other. Can you guess which side?

I don't believe in staying married just for our daughter's sake, but I do want to know that I can tell her years from now that I gave him a chance, even if he didn't deserve one.

PDXMan, that article was fantastic and totally verified some things I'd been hypothesizing. Thanks for sharing it!

[fatiniowa 10]

I think people take sex to seriously. He may have done it to enjoy himself or to see if he was still able to find someone. He may feel like he is going to be on the market after you lose wieght and leave him. Is there an open line on comunication? The toe curl communication you saw, what was in it? My guess is flirting, and nothing saying oh, i am panning to leave my family for you. Did he feel bad you found out? Prolly yes. My relationship was shaky for the 1st few years ( with small child I bet that is where you are right now) I have found when we have sex with someone else in the begining we always felt that the other was testing a replacement. Eventually we figured out neither is planning to ever leave, and we have a stronger bond now than ever. And as we have gotten older and less sexual the flings have slown down as well. I know you feel hurt, but just know if you leave him, the next guy will be just as bad, these things happen. Now if he is bad for other reason, and likes to control you or hit you he needs to pack a bag, but i sense that is not the case here.

[topgun 63]

The divorce rate for bariatric patients is higher than the norm and there is a distinct possibility that one partner losing a very significant amount of weight can have a devastating effect on a relationship! Evaluating the strength of our personal relationships is one of the reasons we have to undergo a psych eval.

[dar1983 751]

It's amazing to me how many stories I've read on here where the relationships with long-time boyfriends and husbands, etc. self destruct after this surgery.

I've noticed this for a while and now I'M a victim, too.

I'm a month out and I just learned that my husband has been having an affair with one of the admins at his work. He swears it never got physical, but the emails between them are toe-curling, so it was a very emotional affair at the least. Apparently, it started while I was in the hospital. He told me that it was my fault that he was drawn to her because he felt abandoned by how much I've been sick. Obviously, I had the sleeve to FIX the diabetes, apnea, joint issues, etc. that were keeping me feeling so badly. Which is why the timing of the affair is so heartbreaking for me.

We are doing couples therapy, but I am incredibly hurt and I don't know how I will ever trust him again. I'd give up right now, but we have a beautiful daughter who is my #1 concern right now.

I don't say all this for sympathy, but simply because I am really struck by the amount of stories like this I've seen on here. I guess this procedure is so life changing that it becomes a true crucible test for relationships.

At the risk of sounding heartless...I think the surgery, and your sickness, are merely excuses for someone who was weak, and cheated on you! Anyone who can cheat when you are at your most vulnerable, is a low-life. Just don't let HIS weaknesses impact your weight loss, and care for your daughter.

[cmw10000 35]

Wow there is a lot of advise here............ You need to decide how strong your relationship was before the surgery... this had to be in the making before the surgery.... It didn't just happen... He saw the opportunity you were out of the picture for a day and would not be expecting him home at any specific time so he jumped on it. Think about it.... really.

[Weigh2Go 35]

Please do not blame yourself. I doubt things just started up while you were in the hospital - he probably just was more careless since you were not home. He is most likely lying to you about the physical as well. Sorry this has happened to you - please know you are not responsible - he is. If you are considering staying you may want to put a tail on him & see if he is still spending time with her or anyone else & confront the other woman and let her spouse know about this (if she has one).

You deserve someone who will respect you & love you with a whole heart. I wish you the best.