Am I Not Allowed To Be Afraid?

[JourneyOfAFatKid 6]

Ok so, I have been on a roller coaster for a year and a half trying to get approval for this surgery from insurance. I was so excited the day that I finally got the call that I was approved that I was crying. Now. That being said I am SO NERVOUS. This is surgery. I have to be put under. So anytime that I try to confide in my mom or husband about my fears, they try and convince me that its ok if I don't want the surgery anymore. That we can wait until I'm ready, or that I can do it on my own. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I have been after this forever! If I wasn't 1000% sure I wanted this surgery I would have stopped after the first denial letter. Not keep trying STILL after the third!!! Ugh! Don't sit there and try and talk me out of it, talk to me about how great it is that I'm doing it! And how great it will be afterwards!!! UGH!

[Dooter 1,457]

If you wait until you're not scared/nervous.....you'll never do it!! I was freaked out for weeks before the surgery!! It gets really bad the week right before, and that is TOTALLY normal!! Of course it causes those feelings. I would do it again a thousand times though. They just need to let you feel scared, not talk you out of your feelings. I don't know if you're a prayin' woman, but if you are- do that a lot!!

[Texarkolina 201]

Scared/excited/nervous/hopeful.....all in the same hour. I am with you.

[enigmachik 403]

First let me say that it is perfectly normal to be nervous about the surgery! Being nervous about the surgery doesn't mean that you don't want it and people shouldn't assume that if you're nervous that means you want to back out. Also, bear in mind that our loved ones often have no idea what the right thing to say is...and they mess it up a lot! They are probably just trying to be supportive and have no idea that the things they are saying aren't helping. Just explain to them that you are nervous about the risks, but you've weighed them and still think they are worth it (if indeed, that is how you feel). I was nervous about getting my drivers license. What if I fail the test? What if I run into someone or hit another car? but in the end, the risk of messing up the test and the nervousness that came along with it, were still worth the freedom that came with having a driver's license. So I went ahead and took the risks and took my driver's test. I realize that is a HUGELY simplified example, but it gets the point across. Being nervous doesn't mean you don't do it, it just means you rethink it a little more and remind yourself why you wanted it in the first place. Good luck!!

[traceyinflorida 499]

My husband responded the same way a couple of times when I told him I was scared. I think part of it was he was trying to be helpful and part of it was that he was a little scared too. It actually was a good thing though, because as soon as he said I didn't have to do this if I didn't want to, it strengthened my resolve. I had worked too hard and waited too long to get this thing done. It sounds like your mom and husband have helped to strengthen your resolve too! I just informed him that my admission of being scared was only that, me expressing my fears out loud. It did not mean I didn't want to go through with it. After that, he would just be empathetic when I told him how scared I was. Good luck to you. The fear of the unknown is normal. All will be well on the other side though!

[Pookeyism 1,143]

Tell them what you told us - simplify or elaborate based on the person and how you know them to be in regards to individual catch phrases...

...My hubby was terrified, and I had seen this in him before in 2007 when I was hit by a car and was admitted for emergency surgery, etc.

I wrote him a Christmas Card since we were spending the Holidays more or less focused on my surgery. I can't remeber exactly what it said but it went like this:

"Baby, I want to apologize for all of this happening over the Holidays, and I appreciate so much how you are giving those special days over to my needs. You are always so generous that way, and you are such a good caretaker. You never fail to tend your kith and kinder you anticipate my needs readily and I see, I know, that you give of yourself more than you should, more than is what is easy or convenient. Thank you so much.

I am concerned for my welfare but confident, and we are nearing the end of the tests, and will have the NYE to Celebrate a truly new year. I need this surgery, and I have you to calm me, reassure me that my choices are good - I need one more thing from you - do your best to try and phrase your words with me in a way that will make me feel confident as we continue through this, while not failing to let me know when you feel frightened or scared. "

I took the way I know he sees me, his responsibilities, what points make him feel validated and expressed how I fee in terms that are on his levels of perception - so he could take what I said and use it for himself as comfort, flattery and praise and that enabled him to give back to me in expressing himself while still supporting me.

Tell them specifically what you want, feel, and need, AND can give. The way you word it can be essential right now because you have to break through barriers of fear, some prejudice of seeing repetitive habits, attempts the did not work, etc. You are doing something that seems very foreign to many in regards to a rational way to deal with anything less than somethign broken, infected, cancerous, etc...that is how so many regard surgery. We have to come to people on this journey on individual levels, so that if you have to walk away (talking here more on friendship levels) you know you made reasonable effort. Then you focus on yourself, because you will have to very, very soon.

[VJSlim 156]

Being nervous about surgery of any kind is absolutely normal. Heck, I freak out each time the nurse brings an injection near me, so you can understand how terrified I would have been on the day of surgery. But we all know that we take this decision after so much of research and self analysis. I live in India and we dont even have a psych evaluation done separately before surgery. But I've read that most insurances in US approve only after psych analysis -- so if you have already went through that, then I know you are ready for the surgery deep down.

Dont worry - you'll do great! We all will pray for your safe surgery and speedy recovery!

So do you have a date yet?

[keldolbeth 262]

When people (the limited number who knew) asked if I was excited for surgery or how I was feeling, my response was always "I'm freaking the f out!" It's beyond natural. I think people would worry if you weren't a little scared or apprehensive. I'm sure anyone getting as routine of a surgery or their gallbladder or appendix would say they were somewhat nervous about going under... and those do not even compare to VSG in seriousness or recovery.

For me, I was mostly scared of the change and the chance of failure. I've never been anything but F.A.T. And I know I don't handle change well; I like my comfort zone. I told people it was the fear of the unknown. Anytime you have a major change in your life like a new job, moving, getting married, etc you can sort of imagine what things will be like after. With this, I had NO IDEA and that scared me to death! There was NO WAY to imagine how I would feel about food, myself, my life. BUT, there was no doubt I needed this surgery.

Maybe your mom and/or husband don't know as much about the surgery as you do. You could share with them your research and some success stories and also further explain your fears. The fear of failure can be a motivator... but it is still a very real fear.