Up And Down, Up And Down Emotions

[Marty McSkinnystein 342]

Right now I'm sitting here petrified, 5 days from surgery, so afraid. It's becoming so real and I am trying so hard but I can't stop fearing the loss of food-- it has been there my whole life to comfort me and has been part of every good celebration and activity I enjoy. I'm so afraid right now to trust that I won't always regret what I've done and blame everyone who encouraged me..

Earlier I was excited, on top of the world. I've felt so sure of my decision, hate the prison of this body the happy go lucky me is in and I want it.

But I want to eat eat eat right now and get rid of this feeling.

That's how I know I need it, right?

I'm laughing and crying at the same time.

Oh man, I'm a big mess right now.

[MinaT 669]

Yikes, I hope someone has some words of wisdom for you. I was calm throughout. I kept everything inside and kept repeating that this is the right thing, and it's all going to be okay. I dedicated myself since day one - during the 6 month pre-op phase.

My family was behind me....and then started freaking out closer we got. My father started panicking as did my son a bit. For them, I had to be strong and I had to be committed. I kept a smile on my face and said it's going to be okay, I'm doing the right thing.

Even the night before I had to wash my bedding and take a shower with some special soap, I went to bed and didn't even think about the surgery. I got up in the morning with my husband and son, took my shower with the pre-op soap and went to the hospital with a smile on my face.

Not sure how much time you invested into this decision, but food to me is nourishment, it's not my friend, I have real ones, it's not my comfort, I have a hug pillow, a dog, friends and my husband and son for that. It's part of life, but it's not life.

Live that and learn it. You may actually end up learning to enjoy food more in the long run.

I say think of a theme song for yourself and hum it when you get nervous. Mine is the theme from Sanford and Son. I hummed it when I got nervous, I had my husband and son humming it (playing on the cell phone) as I got wheeled onto the elevator, I made the nurses hum it and I hummed it as I was wheeled into the operating room.

Best of luck.

[Marty McSkinnystein 342]

Thank you so much for your kind words.

I've been very positive. I've researched for years and even cancelled RNY a week before 3 years ago because that surgery and time were not right for me.

Everyone I know has been wonderful. My husband is so loving and supportive. Unfortunately he's been away on an amazing business opportunity that we couldn't say no to-- so I haven't had my rock here the last few days.

He'll be home late tonight or tomorrow though.

In a way it was good he wasn't here because I think I needed to be strong and not see food, and not have someone checking in with my feelings-- but to be alone to contemplate the whole thing.

I've read every book, blog, and even signed up for therapy immediately after I cancelled surgery before. But.... what I realized after 3 years of therapy is, for me, I need to get the food away and THEN see what comes up that's "been eating me." And that's the plan.

This is how I feel in a moment in time.

I've always been chatty and an open book and really enjoy support from others.

Thank you Mina and anyone else who can offer support or understands where I'm coming from.

[traceylynn 33]

I know just how you feel!i start my pre-op liquid diet tmrw so the past month I was going crazy,eating everything like It was my last meal!i was so scared,and still am,to let go of food after it being a huge part of my entire life.i didn't think I was going to have enough time to get all my favorite foods in before I started my liquid diet!after eating all day today and feeling like I was going to burst open I shared my concerns with my mom.what am I going to do without food?what if I miss it?what If I can't handle it?ect!but as amazing as food is,feeling healthier and happier I'm sure is a lot more amazing!stay strong and good luck,and just remember your not alone!im feeling the same way and I'm sure others are as well:)you got this!

[Marty McSkinnystein 342]

Thanks!

I wish you lots of luck too.

[andicat628 9]

I know just how you feel!i start my pre-op liquid diet tmrw so the past month I was going crazy,eating everything like It was my last meal!i was so scared,and still am,to let go of food after it being a huge part of my entire life.i didn't think I was going to have enough time to get all my favorite foods in before I started my liquid diet!after eating all day today and feeling like I was going to burst open I shared my concerns with my mom.what am I going to do without food? what if I miss it?what If I can't handle it?ect!but as amazing as food is,feeling healthier and happier I'm sure is a lot more amazing!stay strong and good luck,and just remember your not alone!im feeling the same way and I'm sure others are as well:)you got this!

So Tracey, how do you feel today after starting you pre-op? I dont start mine until the 23rd of July and I'm doing exactly what you did, eating like I'm on death row and getting my last meal, except I've been doing it like all day everyday. I'm just wondering what I'm in for when I start.

[momoffive 6]

Hi Marty,

I'll be having surgery on July 18th and have been feeling very much the same as you do. I know you are a teacher and I am, too, and I wonder if I was working now and had something else to focus on that it might be easier not to continually focus on the surgery. I suspect that everyone gets nervous, and even though we know we need this surgery to aid in our long term health, what we are doing is not a small thing and it seems only natural to have some feelings of apprehension as the date gets closer. Don't stop expressing the way that you feel. I do have faith that everything will go well for you and me. We'll soon be on the other side of this journey!

[Lissa 2,631]

The thought process you're all having is normal. Even the food funerals are normal, although they aren't really "good" for you. You WILL be able to eat what you want again. It will just be smaller portions than it is now.

As for the fear, deal with what you can and let your higher power handle the rest. That's what I had to do, and I was totally convinced I'd die on the table because of all my co-morbidities. I survived and I'm a thousand percent healthier and happier than I was before.

[Marty McSkinnystein 342]

You want to hear crazy, hormonal hungry? I was even upset last night thinking...hardly anyone's responding...poor me...they don't like me. I'm not usually a sad, needy sap.

I feel much better today, still sad, but remembering the reasons I'm doing this more.

I also had a few positive phone calls and read a lot of success stories and tried to keep focused on the prize at the end.

Everything that has come up in my life (and there's been a lot -- like most people) I've faced and gotten through with success and greater awareness. I do have an awesome Higher Power Lissa and, I believe, angels watching over me--- especially my dear mother who passed.

Thank you very much for being there. You all know, this journey is really lifelong bringing a person to this point. It didn't start when I discovered this surgery. I've been headed here my whole life. I'm finished making excuses for doing all the things I'm capable of.

At least I must try, I can't sit back any longer-- my life is that important.

Momoffive, yes, I definitely have too much time on my hands since I'm off. I don't even have 5 kids. Just one husband.

[mczoo33 72]

I am going through the same feelings here. I am on a 30 day preop diet (ecause of high BMI)Starting On July 17, Surgery date is Aug 14th, (they gave me a few day grace period I guess) with Dr. Guillimore Alvarez in Mexico for the VGS. I have been already working at it since May and Cutting Calories down as I go every few weeks. Even been on about 2 1/2 weeks now of two meals Protein and liquid already to try and help. I have been doing pretty good at it and already loosing, but by 4-8 pm I am starving, been having small meals like a salad no dressing, veggies and fruits and a small piece of chicken or fish. I do that about every other day with the other days just Soups. How ever I cant get past the starving growling stomach. I have used warm drinks, kept a glass of liquids with me at all times and drinking.

Any suggestions of others that may have had to it this long what types of things you use to help? I am essentialy alowed broths, Protein Drinks, sugar free jellos & drinks, and one can of fat free Soup a day. Really not sure how to make it through 30 days.

Also I am back and forth with feelings, one day cant get it done soon enough, the next I cant Stop thinking morbid thoughts that scare me to death and I am physicing my self out. Even google earthed the hospital in Mexico and first thing I see is a black hurst at a funeral home. I keep hearing a quote I read on some form while doing so much reasearch that said "your not going to hear the bad things from the dead".

I assume many of these feelings is normal and many go through them, how do you handle them?

[TheNewSusie 471]

I am 5 days post op and was crying an hour ago feeling the same way. I always ran to food whether happy or sad or bored , whatever the reason. I'm on week 3 of clears and feel like I'm going to crack. I'm staying strong but it's really affecting me and not many people understand. We can do this together, it's temporary and we have to keep our minds busy. My doctor (dr. Alvarez) was so pleased w my lab results and he told me I did so great in my preop that's y surgery was easy. I keep thinking if that as my motivation and ur helps.

[StormWarning 194]

I too am having emotional moments. I am having surgery Aug. 6th with Dr. Alvarez. Fear seems to be my biggest emotion right now. I don't fear the surgery, that part is a piece of cake with me, What I do fear is the pre-op diet. Although my diet is only 14 days I find myself asking my husband how I am going to make it through those day, would he forgive me if I turn moody, snappy or plain B-witchy. Fear of Failure is a very strong emotion. I also have Fear of the Unknown. All of which I am sure is normal to a degree.

Right now I am just trying to focus on how to survive the liquid diet and trying to figure out why it scares the hell out of me so bad.

[allnewme 262]

I too, understand these emotions all too well. I have to start full liquids on the 23rd and I am making myself go to 2 Protein Drinks per day and one protein/ veggie meal starting on Monday. Not looking forward to this part, it will be easier after surgery to not want to eat, at least for the first few weeks. I think we all have an emotional attachment to food or we would not be in the place where we need this surgery. I love sweets and carbs and have been eating way too many of them as my surgery date approaches. I know that I will be able to eat them again one day but I really want to learn to dislike them. I pray that happens for me after I am sleeved.

The truth is, we can do this, we are strong women, we just have to put on our big girl panties and make it through one day, then onto the next. Just keep your eyes on the goal of making yourself thin and healthy. I am preaching to myself here, so please do not think that I am not being understanding. I am 54, it has taken me a long time to get to this place in life. I want to be healthier than I am now, I have to do this to get there. I want to be a healthy and active Grandma for grand babies that are not born yet. I want to be free of taking medicines and without joint pain. We all have reasons that we have to focus on so the next few days won't seem so bad.

If any of you ever need to talk just PM me for my phone #. I know we can be encouraging to each other over the next few weeks.

[StormWarning 194]

I too, understand these emotions all too well. I have to start full liquids on the 23rd and I am making myself go to 2 Protein drinks per day and one protein/ veggie meal starting on Monday. Not looking forward to this part, it will be easier after surgery to not want to eat, at least for the first few weeks. I think we all have an emotional attachment to food or we would not be in the place where we need this surgery. I love sweets and carbs and have been eating way too many of them as my surgery date approaches. I know that I will be able to eat them again one day but I really want to learn to dislike them. I pray that happens for me after I am sleeved.

The truth is, we can do this, we are strong women, we just have to put on our big girl panties and make it through one day, then onto the next. Just keep your eyes on the goal of making yourself thin and healthy. I am preaching to myself here, so please do not think that I am not being understanding. I am 54, it has taken me a long time to get to this place in life. I want to be healthier than I am now, I have to do this to get there. I want to be a healthy and active Grandma for grand babies that are not born yet. I want to be free of taking medicines and without joint pain. We all have reasons that we have to focus on so the next few days won't seem so bad.

If any of you ever need to talk just PM me for my phone #. I know we can be encouraging to each other over the next few weeks.

Very well said!!! We are strong women. Truly remarkable. And I can do this.

But jokingly speaking, I use to tease my kids they should feel lucky that humans didnt take full animal instincts cause some animals eat their young (would refer to this when they miss-behaved.) I tease them alot. Now my kids tease me and say when I start my pre-op diet they are moving to nanna and popos, cause they don't want me to start drooling when I look at them. Its times/moments like that, that put a smile on my face and let me know I can make it through this.

[allnewme 262]

Think happy thoughts...it really does make things better my momma always looked on the bright side of a bad situation. Thankful for her wisdom now as I get ready to go through one of the biggest things I will ever face in life. Praying for all of us because I know we need it tonight.