Bad Weekend

[apw0 7]

I think this past weekend is the worst that I've had, since my surgery in April, 2011. Carbs were the order of business since last Friday. It was almost as if something inside of me broke. It's been a long time since I've been this far down. I just feel like I'm a complete failure....with everything. I have only lost 60 lbs since my surgery, and now, I'm about to lose my house. My mom, my daughter, and my two grandchildren live with me, and I'm carrying ALL of the bills, and buying the groceries, and I have the added bonus of cooking it, and then I get to clean up afterwards!! My mom had colon/appendaceal cancer, and had surgery in May. She is 83, so she is still recovering. That has really worn on me, because I work from home, and she depends on me heavily. Then there's my grandkids, who are also home for the summer, because my daughter can't afford to put them in any type of camp. Oh.....and did I mention that I started smoking again? And of course, there's the whole bad back thing, which I've had just about enough of. I decided that this morning, I was going to get back on track, and I have started the day with a Protein Shake. It was then my plan to do my mile on the treadmill (which I havent done since last Wednesday). I got on it, and I was so nauseous, I felt like I was gonna throw up! So, I got off.

Needless to say, I am emotionally exhausted, and I don't know how much more I can take. So it was just easier to grab a cookie (or 5), and some ice cream, and some popcorn, and the list just goes downhill from there.

I went to see the surgeon last week, and my initial surgeon has left the practice, so I chose another surgeon (same practice), and I just felt like my concerns/problems, fell on deaf ears. She said that I should do an hour on the treadmill every day, but she completely ignored the fact that I have a bad back, and I'm not physically capable of doing that. I relayed this info to my trainer, and he said that if I could do that, it would be awesome, but I could count on being in bed at least 3 days, because of the pain. He doesn't recommend that at all. I did speak to the nurse practitioner, and she said they would consider putting me on an appetite suppressant for a few weeks, just to see if we could jump start my weight loss. I feel like such a failure all the way around.

Other than that.....I'm good! Thanks for allowing me to vent.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

I'm not sure the program but there is a program to help pay for day care for people struggling aka single parents or people who aren't paid enough. Please have your daughter look into that and give yourself time to heal and also take care of your mother. You do have quite a load on you, try and ease some of it as best you can. Either way have faith and know you will get thru this , it may be a struggle most days but it is temporary. Stay strong! But do try and have some of your responsebilties lifted. I'm so sorry you are hurting! Your in my thoughts!

[shangefan 193]

I'm not sure the program but there is a program to help pay for day care for people struggling aka single parents or people who aren't paid enough. Please have your daughter look into that and give yourself time to heal and also take care of your mother. You do have quite a load on you, try and ease some of it as best you can. Either way have faith and know you will get thru this , it may be a struggle most days but it is temporary. Stay strong! But do try and have some of your responsebilties lifted. I'm so sorry you are hurting! Your in my thoughts!

You also might be able to take advantage of an eldercare program. Check with your local agency that handles children and elderly. And when you mentioned losing your home, I assume you meant foreclosure. Be sure to check with your local nonprofit housing agency because there are many programs to help prevent foreclosures.

If there is a way for you to obtain support in person, I encourage you to do so. At the very least, see if you can find a support group for sleevers. The practice you used should have one, but if not, look and see what else is available. They usually are open to anyone.

[apw0 7]

_{Thank you both so much for your encouraging words! As far as my house goes, it's a very sticky situation. Long story short, it's not in my name, but I pay the mortgage. An 80/20 split was done, and I have two mortgages to pay. So basically, those programs don't apply to my situation. My mom is relatively self sufficient, but she still depends on me quite a bit. I know it's been tough for her, bouncing back from this surgery, but it really wears on me. And it's the little things that I know she can do for herself, that really irritates me. Like calling the drugstore to have a prescription refilled. She counts on me to do that. I certainly can't tell her no, because after all, she raised me. And I KNOW that wasn't an easy thing.}

_{And I would love to go to a support group, but there just aren't enough hours in the day. After all of those things, I have very little time just for me. I know that when all is said and done, that I'm going to be ok. I just really need to rely on my faith, and lean on God. With everything. I think that's the hardest thing of all. Being a single black woman, we tend to rely on ourselves, and not give the reins over to someone else. And I know that I definitely have control issues. I know that I need to make sure that I take time FOR ME, but for right now, it's hard for me to do that. I have really tried to look at all of this as a blessing. I'm blessed to be able to be such a huge part of my grandchildren's lives, and to help raise them into the incredible adults that I know they are going to be. I'm blessed to be able to give back just a small part of what my mother gave and sacrificed for me. Sadly, the stress of it all is coming out in ways that aren't good. I'm slipping back into old patterns and habits. It's bad enough that I started smoking again, but then I add in the carbs, and I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded gun! So I'm going to get back up on my horse, and put my faith in God, because leaning on me, just isn't working.}

_{Thanks again!}

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

You are a wonderful daughter, mother, grandmother and a wonderful person!! You are a blessing in the lives of others and from what I hear from you, you are strong! You have spoken about the things you want to change and you can do it. Everything you are doing is hard but oh what graces are being bestowed on you! Have faith, have faith in the Lord and yourself and success will come. Forgive yourself for being human we are all only humans and will make mistakes but remind yourself how strong and loving and giving you are to your loved ones. And remember to love yourself just as much! You are in my prayers. So glad to have spoken to you. You really are a blessing to those you love. God is here for you!

[Chimera 644]

Praying for you that the pressure eases up - it is so important to take a deep breath and do your best to take good care of you, so that you can care for the many others that depend on you. Sending you positive thoughts!

[former_vbg 198]

You have some incredible life stressors fighting you right now. Coming here and posting what you have shows that you have hit a low for you that you want to change. Even though this is anonymous in the sense that we could talk about things so personal that there may be some friends we wouldn't even share this with, it still takes courage to admit it to ourselves that we need to sit up and take notice at what is going on.

You might look into those resources that were suggested for elder care or the grandkids. I know that you enjoy being a part of their upbringing and that you feel you owe it to your mother for the things you do, but think about it this way. If you are burning the candle at both ends, who are you really helping in the long run? I know, you are probably saying, "somebody has to do it and if I don't, it won't get done". I totally understand. I periodically go through similar challenges in my own life.

As for making time for you, just do your best to think how you can get some time for you. Can your daughter help with your mother since you are babysitting her kids? Try to find a way to put down your pride to ask for help and realize you can't do it all forever and it is affecting your health. I would think that if you had a family meeting with your mother and daughter to talk about how you can work through this that they would support you. Only you are the best judge of that. I just hate to see you suffer.

I do have a question for you. If you eat dense Protein like broiled chicken, salmon, beef, etc (not in sauces), do you feel like you still have restriction? I only ask this because if you can to find a way to get back to dense Protein first, veggies second and it can fill you that this might be able to help you from snacking. Working from home FT, and feeding young kids certainly presents its only challenges.

I hope that some of the advice here can offer not just support for you, but maybe some ideas to help you find a way to put yourself first just once in awhile. Take care of yourself!

[Sleeved&Hopeful 182]

I just want to say that I'm sooo sorry for all you're going through. God bless you for doing it all. That must be a lot and I can't imagine what that's like. I know this is your business but I do have to ask why your daughter doesn't pitch in more with everything. She could do some things to alleviate the stress. I mean, you said you had to cook AND clean it all up? If you were my mother, I'd at least offer to do the dishes and wipe off the table. Your daughter must be a grown woman since she has children :-). She really should help you out some and give you some relief. It's the least she can do for a strong, caring and loving woman like yourself.

I hope you don't mind me saying that. It's just that I know I would never let my Mom cook AND clean up the mess when I'm living in her house. I would also offer to help with my Grandmother. I know it's your family and your life. If you are okay with her not pitching in more, then that is definitely your business.

I just want you to know I admire your strength. I hope you feel like it's okay to ask for help. And I want you to know you will be in my prayers. You are stressed out and had some bad carbs. Don't beat yourself up for it. As far as getting exercise--have you tried an exercise bike? I don't know how that would work with your back but they do have the bikes with the back seat rests. I think they are called recumbent bikes. Anyway, all the best to you. I hope it works out!

[apw0 7]

Thank you all so very, very much for the love and genuine concern that you are all showing me.

I have asked my daughter on many occasions, to help out more around the house. When I do that, she immediately goes into defensive mode, and I just don't need that kind of tension around me. I love my daughter, but she has her priorities incredibly screwed up, and sadly, she's teaching her children the same thing. If the house is a mess, it's more important for her to sit outside with the neighbors, smoke cigarettes, and yuck it up, instead of taking care of her responsibilities. But last night, I announced that I wasn't cooking, and she actually stepped up to the plate. She made dinner, and she even cleaned up afterwards! Now granted, that only happens once in a blue moon, but I'll take it!

My mom really doesnt need eldercare, because as I said, she's very self sufficient. She is just starting to drive again, but more often than not, she stays home all day. She said that she wanted something specific for dinner last nite, and I had to remind her that I wasn't cooking dinner, but I invited her to fix whatever her heart desired. She can certainly do that. Well, she ended up eating what my daughter cooked, instead of going into the kitchen, and making herself what she wanted. Chances are good that she's going to wait for me to make it. That's the kind of stuff that drives me bonkers! There's no need to wait for me to cook it for you, because this is NOT a hotel/restaurant (despite how my family feels). Long story short (too late now), I need to really start taking time for ME, and the heck with everyone else. That includes my eating habits, as well as my smoking.

I do feel restriction when I eat dense Protein, and then veggies. But again, it's soooooo much easier to just grab some Cookies, and keep it moving, than actually taking the time to cook that dense Protein. But as of today, I have to stop doing that, and make sure that I take the time. It's a hell of a thing when you admit to something, and then don't do anything to change it. I certainly don't want to be that kind of person.

I was thinking of investing in a recumbent bike, but honestly, I just don't have the room in my house for it. I bought my treadmill, and that's in the family room portion of my basement, so there just isn't any other place for me to put it. I own a bicycle, and my trainer said that my back isn't ready for a bike ride yet. I went on a bike ride with my grandaughter a few weeks ago, and the pain was so intense for about a week afterwards, that I was eating vicodin like they were m&m's! So no more of that business for me, at least for right now. My trainer is trying to build up the muscles in my lower back, because right now, my spine is carrying all of my weight, which is what is causing my pain. So I'm going to give him a few more months, and then go from there.

But once again, I have to thank you all for your encouragement and love. And as far as being offended by some of the questions/comments, I'm not. This is a family, and I know that whatever is said, asked, or suggested, is done out of genuine concern. That's why I love this site! So thank you all again, and I will keep you posted as to what happens next. Because there's always something!! :wub:

Annette