The Break up....

[Tired_Old_Man 1]

Go out of your way to make the breakup as civil as possible. The children will benefit from the reduction in stress level. Your "X" will benefit and most of all, you will benefit (in the long run).

Getting even for past grievances may sound good and may be the popular thing to do, but the resentment that builds and lingers will only eat away at you and the children.

Forgiveness (believe it or not) benefits the forgiver more than the one forgiven. It is in vogue to be strong, but some tenderness may actually show more internal strength and the children will be watching.

I have seen a lot of breakups and the ones where the couples acting like adults and were civil and compromised usually resulted in happier people down the road. Couples who fought the hardest usually brought all the hatred into their next relationships.

TOM

PS: I am not saying to lay down and to allow your self to be taken advantage of.

[Scribby 0]

I broke up with a bf of 5 years once. I can say that I dont know how much of it was mourning the loss of my partner or mourning the loss of a life I thought I would have. I thought my future was already laid out for me and then it was gone. Take the time to mourn. Dont feel like a boob for being upset, confused, disoriented and sad. The grieving process needs to happen in order for you to move on properly, If you just swallow it down and try to quickly it will come out sooner or later. I knew he was not the man for me, but it hurt jsut the same. I felk like I failed and was frightend on being on my own.

Of course it was the best thing that happend to me in the long run. I learned so much about myself..how strong I am, how to live for myself and not always another person and what I really wanted in a man. The independance I learned helped me in my current relationship by ensuring that I wasnt going to be this co-dependant emotional wreck I was in my first relationship. Because I was confidant, I found a man that embraces that. It sucks for you right now. Its ok to take it all in and and wonder if it will all be ok. Everyone telling you that you will be fine dosent cut it. You need to figure it out on your own. That process is priceless. I remeber the first time, a few months later that the lightbulb went off and I said outloud "Im going to be ok". A deep sigh, some tears and a margarita or two, or four later and I felt liuke a new person. Excited at the person I was becoming. That new person was a stranger..someone who wasnt going to take abuse from another man ever again. I liked her!

Good luck..I really hope you figure it out and they are the right choices for you!!

[Joy Joy 0]

Tom thank you for your wise words. They came right when I needed them. I was wanting to get even and wish bad things on him and hoping he will hurt like this, but you have made me realize that I should want the best for him because he needs to be in a good place to take care of the kids too. thanks again.

[Joy Joy 0]

Scribby, wow isnt it funny when something happens to you, you think you are the only one going through it? I know I will eventually be ok people have gotten over breakups for years right. Thank you for sharing your feelings on this. I am going to the book store later to find this book called "its called a break up because its broken" how perfect is that tittle?

[Butterfly07 0]

Joy, I am so sorry for your pain. It seems my 21 year marriage has reached the end of the road as well. We have been in counseling for 8 months now and it has not helped.

My situation is that the band/weight loss changed me on the inside as well as the outside and things that I though it was not ok to want or deserve (love, affection, tenderness) due to my low self esteem & weight, I now realize are important, even vital. I have always been happy with myself as a mom, friend, worker, etc but never as a woman. Now I am.

For the last 10 years he has put me down and been emotionally vacant (he admits this) and pushed me away. Now that I am skinnier and like myself he is suddenly in love with me and attracted to me. I however realized that somewhere in those 10 years I stoped loving him but was so afraid to be alone.

I now realize I was alone for all those years anyway. My oldest son just moved away to college and my youngest child is in high school, so hopefuly this will not hurt them too much.

I am just wondering if your weight loss affected yours (any anyone elses) relationship? If so, How?

Wishing you a healing heart!