Friends...how Many Of Us Have Them?

[Jolie_KeMi 345]

I just want to vent a little bit everyone, because I know there is someone out there who knows what I am going through.

I have had a particular friend, "A", for over half my life. She has always been the skinny one. She would say things like "I really need to lose 5 pounds", and annoying things like that from time to time. She would always give me tips on how to lose weight, although she's never had a weight problem.

I announced that I was scheduled for surgery over dinner at a mutual friend's house. The 4 other women at the dinner were supportive, asked questions, and were genuinely happy for me. "A" never said a word. When I asked her what she thought, she said: "Why don't you just diet and exercise? Get a trainer, not a surgeon! " Needless to say that cut me deep. But I explained how I'd tried a number of things & how I'd failed. My other friends came to see me in the hospital after surgery & helped me walk around. "A" didn't even call.

Now everytime I see her she says things like: "How much more weight are you gonna lose? You're not gonna have me being the fat friend in this group. I can't eat around you anymore. You make me feel like a pig. I know people who lose weight the right way." I just don't understand why someone who I thought was my best friend would say things like that to me. I put on the brave face & the fake smile & act like it doesn't bother me, but I am extremely sensitive.

"A" & I don't hang out or talk much anymore. But her vacancy in my life hurts. I feel like she kept me in a certain box, & now that I have shed whatever title she gave me, she doesn't care about our friendship anymore. It's weird... I feel like I'm going through a breakup. My husband told me to just let it go& focus on all the great things in my life, but this has been my friend for 15 years & it hasn't all been bad...

Sorry for the venting guys, but has anyone gone through this?

[Momoslim 6]

Hi Kendra ......I can understand your situation,I have been through this all my life.i was over weight since my childhood and my best friend since then was skinny.she used to do the same thing as your A,did.she always used to tell me that no body's gonna marry you becoz you are so fat,you are not gonna be pregnant in life becoz of your weight,but I m sure you would do great alone....you don't any one beside you....she left me the day when she heard me getting engaged and then married and luckily I conceive just after my wedding although we were married the same day.

My surgeon told me one thing and it's damn so true ....he said after your surgery your friend circle will change....!and at that time I didn't understand his point but after two years I have gone through a lot ....all my old friends have left me who were my closest friends for years but just like your friend A .....they didn't like the idea of taking care of our selves and look ebeautiful and not inferior to any one now.

You just focus on your weight thing...she was never your friend so give yourself a pat for seeing her real face.no body is sincere to you other than your husband and family so just focus on them and see the big changes that come along with your surgery.feel comfident about you being look good and beautiful and keep your head high!

Good luck with your weight loss

Love

Sent from my iPad using VST

[E-girl 98]

A true friend is someone who will be there for you through "thick" and "thin", not just "thick". My best friend had a gastric bypass and when she was lossing weight, I was jealous but I never made her feel bad about it. I would say "I am sooo jealous, but you look great, keep it up." She had childhood friends that made a lot of negative comments and she was really hurt by it. Unfortunately, she is not as close to them now as a result but she couldn't really cut them off because they have know each other and their families for more that 30 year!.

Unforturnately, it doesn't sound like your "friend" is really a true friend. Sounds like she probably enjoyed being the center of attention and now you are getting a lot of attention for your success with your weight loss, she is trying to make herself feel better by putting you down or making you feel bad about yourself. People can be really messed up. Just because you know someone for years does not necessary make them true friends. My best friend and I don't alway see eye to eye but we respect either others decisions and whether we agree with it or not. Thats what best friends are suppose to do.

If it really bothers you that much and you want to save the friendship, then you really need to a talk to her about how her actions are making you feel. If she values your friendship, she will understand and change her ways. If she does change, you need to consider distancing yourself and reavaluate your definition of best friend. This new lifestyle is hard enough to adjust to than to have someone in your life stressing you out even more. You're going to have good days and bad days...more good than bad...but the last thing you need is someone around you, who see a bad day and using it as an opportunity to get their digs in with "I told you so."

I have a really close friend, who was constanting asking me or saying things that were hurtful after I announced I was having the sleeve. Like "are you sure this is what you want to do? You know there are other options? Have you tried this or that? You know some people have died from these surgeries". I understand her heart was in the right place but it was really annoying and I was already stressed from all the things I had to do to get approved. I finally said something to her. I told her that I was well aware of the risks but the risks for long term morbin obeseity was higher. I told her that I understood her concerns but I appreciate it if she would stop because it was making me feel bad. She said she just really cared and didn't want anything bad to happen. I said I understood that but I have done the research and this was the best option for me. After that, she has been my biggest supporter of my friends. She still asked things like "did you take your Vitamins today?" but its because I know she truely cares.

[gmanbat 5,889]

It is shocking to us to discover the real nature of those we've known and loved. Given the right circumstance the abject selfishness of immaturity overpowers the sensitivity that rides along with affection. Many people put on a good front but are as shallow as the veneer on discount box-kit bookcases.

In such a situation I look at one thing: are they teachable? Do they want to see things from your viewpoint or are they adamant that you change back to the state which made them feel comfortable?

If I determine that they are just ignorant but still care, gentle teaching is in order. If they insist on being a cold, stationary dullard, ....."The world is full of many things and many people, and I shan't be lonely. I'll find comfort elsewhere".

[littlebits 154]

Kendra, my cousin had the bypass in May. We have never been close, but the surgeries seem to be bringing us closer.

Anyway, she forewarned me of this very issue...so sad. She is going through something very similar with her bff.

My, soon to be ex, bff of over 20 years was very supportive in the beginning. Now, every time that I talk to her, she is annoying & overly competitive. I don't understand. I had this surgery because of medical issues. At 2 weeks & a day out, I am 20 lbs lighter & off of all of my meds (diabetes, hbp & sleep apnea). I am beyond excited! She should be happy for me...not envious!

Listen, I love her dearly but I am too old for the nonsense. I also have a new life to adapt to, so I can't worry about her issues. So, if things don't change soon, I will be making some changes of my own...good luck with your situation & thanks for starting this thread!

Sn: I think that I will add this topic to my list of things to discuss on my next YouTUBE update.

Littlebits

[Jlewis229 191]

I am so sorry! I can't imagine my bestie doing that. She is skinny and beautiful but she is the most loyal friend in the world! Weve bren friends for almost 15 years(since 7th grade!)She is actually who is taking care or me after surgery.

I am so sorry you are going through this, it's just not right! Friends are supposed to be just that, a friend!

Some people are in our lives forever and some aren't. I would definitely talk to her and share your feelings and see if it can be talked out because being friends that long would be sad for it to come to an end.

Good Luck!

Johnathan

[SML1997 308]

I am still pre-op and haven't had this experience, but I can feel what you're saying. I believe that it is difficult to be "truly" happy for another person when you're not "truly" happy with yourself. With you losing weight, it would seem as she didn't have anything else to focus on beside her insecurities, and rather than deal with those insecurities she would rather lash out at you and make those comments. In this world, true friends are hard to come by. I only have a couple good ones that have been with me for the past 20+ years. No matter how much they might have said things over the years that may have hurt me, I've decided to forgive them and move on. Having said that.... I think it's ok as a friend to show a little bit of vulnerability and explain that the statements that she made were hurtful and and explain why. Also, you are a very beautiful young lady, and if your friend isn't secure within herself, I am sure that can be a bit intimidating. Continue to do you. You're doing great!

[Jolie_KeMi 345]

Thank you everyone. This is truly helping me. I honestly feel like I've tried to explain why I chose to get the VST, benefits, risks, the whole shebang to her, but I'm through with that. I have other friends in my circle who I have gotten closer with since surgery because I have seen and felt their love and support. I haven't explained to her how her comments have made me feel though, because I feel like that is pointless. She knows what she's doing when she says those things. I'm not giving her the satisfaction of knowing that she's affecting me!!

I'm just gonna keep my head up, and sashay away. If she comes around, great! If not, I can't worry about it. I need to worry about getting all my Water in!! Lol.

Thanks again guys. You've helped me get to a better place with this.

@LittleBits: I'll be subscribing to your YouTube channel. Is it the same user name?

[littlebits 154]

Thanks, it's Littlebits0604.

Littlebits