Freinds...how Many Of Us Have Them?

[Jolie_KeMi 345]

I just want to vent a little bit everyone, because I know there is someone out there who knows what I am going through.

I have had a particular friend, "A", for over half my life. She has always been the skinny one. She would say things like "I really need to lose 5 pounds", and annoying things like that from time to time. She would always give me tips on how to lose weight, although she's never had a weight problem.

I announced that I was scheduled for surgery over dinner at a mutual friend's house. The 4 other women at the dinner were supportive, asked questions, and were genuinely happy for me. "A" never said a word. When I asked her what she thought, she said: "Why don't you just diet and exercise? Get a trainer, not a surgeon! " Needless to say that cut me deep. But I explained how I'd tried a number of things & how I'd failed. My other friends came to see me in the hospital after surgery & helped me walk around. "A" didn't even call.

Now everytime I see her she says things like: "How much more weight are you gonna lose? You're not gonna have me being the fat friend in this group. I can't eat around you anymore. You make me feel like a pig. I know people who lose weight the right way." I just don't understand why someone who I thought was my best friend would say things like that to me. I put on the brave face & the fake smile & act like it doesn't bother me, but I am extremely sensitive.

"A" & I don't hang out or talk much anymore. But her vacancy in my life hurts. I feel like she kept me in a certain box, & now that I have shed whatever title she gave me, she doesn't care about our friendship anymore. It's weird... I feel like I'm going through a breakup. My husband told me to just let it go& focus on all the great things in my life, but this has been my friend for 15 years & it hasn't all been bad...

Sorry for the venting guys, but has anyone gone through this?

[smartypants 14]

I know just how you feel. I have a very close friend. We've been friends for 40 years!! She has always been the skinny one and has watched me lose and gain weight multiple times since I've been in my 20s. It has always driven me crazy when she would say she needed to lose 8 pounds. When I would tell her that's nothing compared to 100 pounds her reply was "it's hard to lose weight whether it's 8 pounds or 100". Really? I don't think so.

Like your friend she thinks I'm making a horrible mistake by having most of my stomach removed. She asked me if I would be able to eat healthfully and sensibly after the surgery why don't I just do that now? It was really difficult to explain to someone who has always been thin.

Making a big change like this is going to cause some upheavel in relationships. I think you're right when you say that you're friend doesn't want you to be skinny and attractive. I have a feeling my friend feels the same way. She's very competitive and when it comes to appearences she has always been the "winner".

Do what's best for YOU. If she's a good friend she will come around and accept who you are now.

[ShoeLover 141]

I have a similar issue. I have a "friend" who is self centered, and probably used to being the prettiest one (in her opinion) and the smaller one of us two. She has always had a little bit of a weight problem but not like mine. She used to always go on diets but not stick to them, and exercise only occasionally. Now since I've had surgery, she is really trying her best to lose weight and she is making all kinds of effort. She bragged to me about losing 15 pounds recently. Normally, I would be happy for her if I felt like she was doing it to better herself, but I know she is only doing it to compete with me, and it irks me. She told me I was her "inspiration". I was thinking, "No, you just don't want me to look better than you."

[lollyfidy1965 402]

Its difficult to respond to this post without becoming emotional...because I, too, can relate. Each of us has played a particular role in the lives of others around us. It may be hurtful to hear this, but these wonderful, life-long friendships may not have been as fully sincere as we thought. Many people, thick or thin, are extremely insecure about their physical appearance. In my experience, many insecure thin people keep "fat friends" around in order to feel better about themselves, and to "look" better (to others looking in), in comparison to the heavier person sitting next to them. It may not even be a conscious thing on their part...I think, in many ways, its simple human nature...as hurtful as it might be, to those of us on the other side of the coin. As hard as it may be, the only healthy thing to do is to refocus on those TRUE friends who are loving and supporting you...cheering you on, as you conquer the Goliath in your life...the excess weight you've been dragging around with you. Don't let petty jealousy, and another's insecurity, pull you down. They simply aren't worth the energy you're going to expend worrying and hurting over them. Much love and encouragement to all!!

[Ready4success 380]

One of my best friends since 1st grade simply ignores anything I say related to my surgery. The sad part is that we've both been morbidly obese majority of our lives. She had RNY back in 2001, when we were in our early 20s, and I supported her all the way, even though I didn't think the surgery was for me. I went to some of her appointments with her and visited her in the hospital after surgery. I had already moved away after college, so I was driving an hour and a half each way to go be with her during those times. I did it because I wanted to be there for her, and because both of her parents were already deceased. She did go on to gain most, if not all of the weight back. Now, I'm ready to have wls, and she doesn't respond to texts if I mention my surgery. If we're hanging out and I mention where I am in the process, it's like dead silence. My family has told me to stop mentioning it to her, and to not tell her when I'm having surgery. It's very hurtful, because she's the godmother of my daughter, we hang out together all the time, and we vacation together every year. I think this surgery may end a close friendship that has lasted 30 years. No matter what, I'm having the surgery. Resolving my diabetes and high blood pressure will win any day, friend or no friend.

[vsginnj 415]

Evrybody has got that special friend A-ss , if you doin you threatens her that's on her not you. This surgery is about change and that can mean friends too,sounds harsh , but let's look for the blessing , maybe more time with positive people who support your success !

[fattymcfatterson 107]

I know my being fat makes a few people feel better about themselves. Sorry to them. And ready4success, I sense the underlying problem with your friend is shame. She had it, failed, now you are, and any success you have where she failed is going to cause her shame to be magnified. I don't think her issue is with you, I think it is with her shame. Don't give up on her friendship and don't take it "personal". She may feel she can't relate to you and your excitement because she failed with her tool. Maybe try to help her "restart" her tool and take the journey with you. I wish you both the best!

[SML1997 308]

One of my best friends since 1st grade simply ignores anything I say related to my surgery. The sad part is that we've both been morbidly obese majority of our lives. She had RNY back in 2001, when we were in our early 20s, and I supported her all the way, even though I didn't think the surgery was for me. I went to some of her appointments with her and visited her in the hospital after surgery. I had already moved away after college, so I was driving an hour and a half each way to go be with her during those times. I did it because I wanted to be there for her, and because both of her parents were already deceased. She did go on to gain most, if not all of the weight back. Now, I'm ready to have wls, and she doesn't respond to texts if I mention my surgery. If we're hanging out and I mention where I am in the process, it's like dead silence. My family has told me to stop mentioning it to her, and to not tell her when I'm having surgery. It's very hurtful, because she's the godmother of my daughter, we hang out together all the time, and we vacation together every year. I think this surgery may end a close friendship that has lasted 30 years. No matter what, I'm having the surgery. Resolving my diabetes and high blood pressure will win any day, friend or no friend.

Wow. You would think that especially since you were there for her when she had RNY, should be there for you, but nope. This is another shining example of a person that's not truly happy with themselves, so how can they be happy for you and or support you. A true friend places their own emotions to the side, and will be there and is supportive in spite of their own feelings. I do believe in seasons... and sometimes people that you think will be in your live forever are only there for a season, meaning a certain part of your life to fulfill a purpose in your life. With or without her in your life, you're on to a greater you and that's the most important. Congrats on your journey!

[grannyk 58]

I can feel your betrayal. I once had a "friend" who cut me to the quick. We worked together, went through divorce together and socialized together for several years. We and our kids spent a lot of time with each other and I considered her my best friend. Then one day out of the blue she stopped returning my calls. When I finally got hold of her, she told me she has found someone else to run around with because I was boring. Boring for years? I was devastated to say the least. Oh, well. Needless to say this did nothing for my trust issues!!!

I say your are much better off in the long run losing lots of pounds and one "friend". Cut your losses and move on. Good luck and welcome to your new life!!! Kathe

[Jolie_KeMi 345]

Thank you so much everyone. I just can't believe there are such selfish people in this world. After eading your responses, I feel much better about moving on past this fake friendship.

I love the support on this site.

[coops 1,790]

So, I suppose you could add an extra 120-140lbs of weight loss... or extra baggage to your ticker! A true friend wouldn't use you to cover thier own insecurties! I have encountered similar, and it is such a horrible feeling. Just remember, this is no reflection on you... these are her issues, not yours, so let her deal with them!

Congrats on a great weight loss by the way!

[MrzSongbird 53]

I came across this video regarding weight loss and friendships, what so you guys think?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKyjACcL_g0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

If the link is broken you can to on YouTube, her name is USlbgirl

[chicagochic 73]

I think that was a great video. She has an interesting perspective, having been on both sides of the coin. Thanks for sharing!

I came across this video regarding weight loss and friendships' date=' what so you guys think?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKyjACcL_g0&feature=youtube_gdata_player

If the link is broken you can to on YouTube, her name is USlbgirl[/quote']

[Jolie_KeMi 345]

That was a good video. She hit some interesting points. Thanks for posting MrzSongbird.

[MrzSongbird 53]

I'm the type of person that tries to see things from both sides before I react. This has taken years to shape.....lol. Congrats on the weightloss and keep up the good work.