Husbands

[Randi 21]

I am about 10 1/2 weeks out from surgery and have lost 40 pounds. My husband seemed very supportive of me and says he's happy for me and he's proud of me, etc.

We have had sex twice since my surgery. He's been sleeping in another room - which he used to do when I snored which I don't do anymore (or so he tells me).

He doesn't say anything but I think he's annoyed that I don't cook dinner very often anymore and that when I do he ends up eating 80% of it and is gaining weight.

Another thing, my husband is special. He has a brain injury and can't work. HIs memory is horrible and he also can't drive. He hates being trapped at home all day and really hates it when I call him the house husband. HIs brain injury was in 1987 and we got married in 2008. I knew about his physical problems from the start. Maybe that's why it seems like I have a roomate now instead of a husband.

[MKambalimath 92]

I've read that there's something like an 80% divorce rate for people who have WLS. Not that that's whats happening in your case at all, but I guess its from how hard this surgery is on couples. If you're very overweight, I think people tend to settle sometimes, and then when they lose the weight, they start thinking they shouldn't have to settle anymore. This happened with my best friend who had the RNY 7 yrs ago. Her and her husband finally divorced 2 yrs ago. Also, expectations change. Maybe your husband feels like hes falling behind in whats important to you? I'm 10 weeks out on Wed and have lost 35lbs. I've been going to the gym almost every evening and that leaves my husband to cook dinner for our son and hes alone a lot. (My husband, not my son, lol) He says he feels lonely. I say I can go in the afternoon, but then I have to pay for the KidsFit area of my gym, but he doesn't want to spend the money so its a no win for me. I think he sometimes feels like hes not part of a big deal in my life anymore, which inst true at all, but I think that's how he feels.

[Randi 21]

Thanks for the insight MKambalimath!!

I should mention that I also moved him from Seattle to Dallas because I lost my job and being the only bread winner I had to go where the money was. His family is in Seattle and I think he resents me for that sometimes. He can't do much for himself and maybe he's jealous that I have made such a big step and he isn't my whole world anymore.

[Willow216 91]

Wow, thats deep. I can relate in one way, I don't cook too much anymore my kidz (who are grown) do that I might cook on the weekends but only sometimes. If I can't eat it I don't see why I gotta cook. I wish I can say something positive about the rest but I don't have a husband anymore and I like my freedom, well at least until "The Almighty" brings me someone I can tolerate, (I have no patience)....LOL

I wish you All The Best with your relationship!

[quietcougar 29]

When you build a life with someone, especially after so many years, you get to know them as they are - you accept everything about them. After surgery, the only you they ever knew is very rapidly changing into someone that (at least for some) they've never known. That makes some happy, others scared, and for a lot of people, insecure. As large people, many of us were insecure - we need to remember that our spouse/significant others are very involved in our changes after surgery. I wonder if the divorce rate is less for couples who both get the surgery around the same time?

[MKambalimath 92]

I feel the same way about cooking. I never liked it anyway, but now that I barely eat any of it, its a lot harder for me to cook it. I know I should, I mean, my sons only 3, but I've definitely been leaving that for my husband lately. I only cook 1-2 times a week now :/

[Ms skinniness 3,003]

Life does change after our wls. your hubby has a habit of sleeping in the other room, so that may just be a habit. Also you said your hubby has a brain injury. Has he had his testerone tested. This hormone can effect his libido and he might be a little embarrassed or not realize that something is off. Oh and plus there is quite a culture shock going on for both of you. Things have changed in all areas of your life. This would be a great time to sit down and talk about what's going. This is a beginning for the 2 of you.

[Dooter 1,457]

I am about 10 1/2 weeks out from surgery and have lost 40 pounds. My husband seemed very supportive of me and says he's happy for me and he's proud of me, etc.

We have had sex twice since my surgery. He's been sleeping in another room - which he used to do when I snored which I don't do anymore (or so he tells me).

He doesn't say anything but I think he's annoyed that I don't cook dinner very often anymore and that when I do he ends up eating 80% of it and is gaining weight.

Another thing, my husband is special. He has a brain injury and can't work. HIs memory is horrible and he also can't drive. He hates being trapped at home all day and really hates it when I call him the house husband. HIs brain injury was in 1987 and we got married in 2008. I knew about his physical problems from the start. Maybe that's why it seems like I have a roomate now instead of a husband.

Since you put this all out there, I will give you my opinion. We all love giving our opinions, so here it is:

I might suggest just lavishing him with attention and cooked dinners and maybe plan something fun? Or even a "date" right in your own bedroom! ;) Just make him feel special and loved and give your marriage great care right now, especially if things are getting cold and weird. Your husband should never feel like a roommate, no matter how long you've been married. Think of things to compliment him on. Make him feel needed/wanted/loved, and respected without thought of what you may get in return.

[allnewme 262]

Since you put this all out there, I will give you my opinion. We all love giving our opinions, so here it is:

I might suggest just lavishing him with attention and cooked dinners and maybe plan something fun? Or even a "date" right in your own bedroom! ;) Just make him feel special and loved and give your marriage great care right now, especially if things are getting cold and weird. Your husband should never feel like a roommate, no matter how long you've been married. Think of things to compliment him on. Make him feel needed/wanted/loved, and respected without thought of what you may get in return.

I agree with this. I thik if we are not careful that our spouse can feel we are starting over and they will be left behind.

Marriage truly is hard work, I have been married for 29 years and I have to take time to make it special. Our lives are busy and somedays we lose track of what truly is important. IF you love him and want your marriage to work out, reach out to him NOW. Let him know you care and he is important. Let him know that you need him and want your relationship to be special. Most men do not feel loved unless they feel appreciated. Sometimes we have to work at that He probably is also a bit depressed since you have gone through a major life change and he does not have family or friends in the new location. You are probably everything to him and he feels another change is coming.

I hope that you can get it worked out.

[geno5150 168]

As a husband I dont plan to stop cooking for my family even though I wont be eating it for quite some time. I dont think its really fair to my wife to stick her with all that responsibility just because I was unable to detach from the buffet for 37 years. I have a feeling a lot of post wls issues come from the fact that there may be a lot of selfishness introduced, most likely unintentionally, that adds a lot of strain that did not exist before.

[MKambalimath 92]

Its only selfish if you don't do anything else.

[Pre-OpLoser619 36]

As a husband I dont plan to stop cooking for my family even though I wont be eating it for quite some time. I dont think its really fair to my wife to stick her with all that responsibility just because I was unable to detach from the buffet for 37 years. I have a feeling a lot of post wls issues come from the fact that there may be a lot of selfishness introduced' date=' most likely unintentionally, that adds a lot of strain that did not exist before.[/quote']

Agreed! It's a fine line between taking time to take care of yourself and totally leaving everyone behind. I personally can't imagine after my surgery being like "I'm eating this not that, so you need to feed yourself and the kid." If thats how you feel, it makes me wonder how the relationship was before surgery. If it's to difficult because you feel tempted to eat things you shouldn't, then you should talk that over with your spouse. I saw that someone said something about settling and I think thats probably the biggest majority for divorces after surgery. I think alot of heavy people settle for a spouse because they dont think they could get or deserve anyone better. When the weight goes and the confidence comes, they see the relationship through different eyes.

[phillygirl8133 74]

This is a great topic my husband has been by my side every step of the way I couldn't imagine my life without him after we been to the doctors the past four months he starts to say your going to leave me for someone who makes more money more educated I'm like WHAT ur crazy I love you he says il going to be getting all kinda is attention. From guys as I do now little does he know I work at a hospital I get hit on all the time even doctors and I stay with him I go out of my way making him Breakfast in bed when I can cooking him dinner rubbing Him all over lol so I know after WLS I'm going to have to work xtra harder but he should just trust me I never gave him a reason to ever dout me

[mattr2 32]

Sounds to me like so many Sleevers choose to leave their old life behind, including their responsibilities and relationships with their spouses. Maybe they made that choice a long time ago and associate that life with their old self and can't get away from the sour memories without a clean cut.

I could see it the other way too with a spouse being insecure when their significant other is now so much more "marketable."

For me, my wife is extremely supportive. Then again, I am doing this for both of us, not just me.

I do think there is a lot of selfishness involved. When you share your life with someone and your role has been to help with cooking while the other goes to work, helps with the house, dedicated,to kids sports etc, and you decide you are the one no longer interested without including the other in that decision, then there is selfishness involved.

Sorry, that's just how I see it.

[SML1997 308]

Interesting Topic. I brought this up before in another forum not too long ago, but I really do think it's all about pre-WLS relationship happiness and ... Options. Let's just face it.... in the world we live in... if you're obese and do not like how you feel or look, people often settle with the options that are in front of them. However, as you lose weight those insecurities began to decipate and you become confident, and begin to feel good about yourself inside and out...so you attract more.... thereby expanding the amount of Options you have. So if you're unhappy in your relationship, and you have more Options after you lost weight, you're probably going to take the opportunity to go with the other options, if their current situation is not ideal. However, I think that if you made a committment like marriage, you should work hard to maintain that committment, before simply giving into your "other" options.

Just my take on it.