My Boyfriend Left Me

[peacequeen 434]

My son is 12 years old and my parents have been helping me with him since the surgery. He was here for a little while but when I told them how depressed I was they offered to take him for a while. I might just end up going to their place myself. I need to be around people I think.

I have a 12 year old as well..it's a tough age, you did the right thing letting your son stay with family while you get yourself together. Also, it sounds like you have a good plan to stay with your family. You have the answer but might be having a hard time letting go because that will mean it's over. I agree with those who said he obviously isn't the love of your life or else he'd still be around and supporting you at a time that you need it the most..and to turn away from your child, that would just make me angry. Put your son first and focus on yourself and healing. You really should get out of that bed and do some walking,,you won't do anyone any good if your health suffers. Show this guy that you are stronger than him and that you can carry on and survive without him. Depend on yourself, have confidence that you can take care of you and your son. Lying in bed and yearning for him to come back is probably what he thinks your doing..I'd do the exact opposite to piss him off.

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

What did I miss here? A man invested 6years of his life being a father to a child that was not his. He spent 6 years in a relationship with a woman that fell in love with him. He obviously wasn't abusive, or neglectful. He worked & contributed his time & sweat to the benefit of the household.

There was arguing going on, so obviously there were some differences that weren't being resolved.

I'll probably get crucified for suggesting this, but did the bickering seem to start or escalate around the time of a pre-op diet? I've seen many posts talking about how ladies become imbalanced during rapid weight loss.

But now that this man decides that maybe he needed to remove himself from what he viewed as a toxic situation he becomes trash?

He's undeserving & selfish? Get an attorney & make sure he pays? Forget him & move on?

What about, be as gracious as you can be. Thank him for all he has done (unselfishly). Show him the respect he needs, I'm gonna let a little cat out of the bag here. Just like women want to be loved, men want to be respected. It's a well known fact that men don't leave relationships when they feel respected even if the woman doesn't love them, they will stay, much like when a woman feels loved she will endure pure hell to keep hat love.

I'm sorry, but where did I miss that anybody was ready to give up on this man? Everything I read was quite the contrary.

If you want him back, you are gonna have to mend a damaged ego, he wouldn't have left if he felt appreciated.

I just can't get over how fast so many people are so quick to want to destroy what has been built over 6 years.

[SleeveDreamer 383]

I feel for you being kind of abandoned. But you really need to think of yourself and recovery at this time. Please get out of bed and wak. This will help relieve gas and prevent blood clots. You have made a decision to make yourself healthier. You have alot of changes to make with your eating habits. Try to think of other things like how good you will look with your wieghtloss and how you will be healthy enough to be able to do things with your son. Think of yourself and your son now. You don't need a man right now. This is your time. You will probably have men running after you in a few months! Good luck and keep us posted.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

You missed the fact that he walked out on bills, he walked out on the child who thought of him as his dad, he walked out when the going got rough. And now he lies and hides. That is NOT a man who needs defending. He isn't even a man, arguing is part of life, there is no excuse for leaving your family with no support and your partner just had major surgery. Some men may require a defense but seriously? There are cop outs in this world and financial cop out and trust broken has no respect deserved.

[Minckle 87]

OTR - here's what I think we are reacting to:

1. He left her three days after major surgery

2. He left her with bills she cannot pay without his help; he knows this.

3. Now he's refusing to communication with her in any way.

4. Her family was never a supporter of his because of all the bad stuff that has happened in the past....

Maybe he needed to remove himself from the situation. I totally get that. But after a six-year investment with this woman, can he not find a way to remove himself with a little bit more grace? Let's say the surgery made her a fire-breathing dragon from hell (doubtful, but hypothetically), does that make it okay for him to exit the scene like that?

I think a lot of us are reading this and thinking "After six years, that's a hell of a way to make an exit, douchebag."

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

What is not being realized here is only one side of a story being seen here. And the side being told doesn't demonize this man at all. That is all coming from people who have 0 experience in this relationship.

Never once did I see MissMachine say that he wasn't justified nor did I see her ask how to best go about moving on without him. Quite the opposite. She reached out for understanding and in turn received a borage of people trashing the man that she loves.

Most of what I see in this thread is judgment against a man that is not present to defend himself and people bent on destroying what left of a relationship rather than supporting the person that wants to heal it.

[MKambalimath 92]

If he says he wants to meet with her and talk about things and then doesnt show up, hes not much of a man. If hes done with her and the kid he may or may not have thought of as a son, he should just tell her and not make promises to talk it over and then not show. IMO though, the best thing to do is move on and not call or text or whatever. He made his decision however many times he didnt show, so no sense lowering yourself to being the clingy woman that wont take no for an answer. And losing weight and being "thin" isnt going to "show him" anything, moving on with your life and LIVING is the best revenge.

[Minckle 87]

So....what we should have done is told her that he was probably right to leave her and that he was justified in doing so. I'm sure she didn't reach out to this board for comfort or perspective. And she couldn't have possibly have predicted that the predominantly female group would be on her side. We shouldn't point out all the obviously bad things that he did and instead should make suggestions on how she can get this great guy back rather than focus on herself or her son right now.

Yeahhhh. I get what you're saying but.... Uh uh. Not gonna happen.

[overtheedge 2]

Focus on you right now. Yes, you feel that your world is falling apart. Yes, you are hurt and angry. While it will not come now or even tomorrow.....if it is meant to be...it is meant to be. Sleeve of Steel has it right. FOCUS ON YOU! Easier said than done I know. If he could walk away without a glance......then he needs to come to you. If not, he will always be the one in control of the situation. I speak from experience. I made up my mind to live for me and my children. Once I did that, the tables turned and my ex seems a totally different person.

You can do this. Believe in yourself and what your are trying to achieve. We are all here for you.

[peacequeen 434]

No, he's not here to defend himself because this is HER board..SHE reached out to us..we give the support here based on the needs of the poster. All I read is how he dumped on her so I'm giving support to her to help her through this tough time..we can only assume that she is telling her side the way it actually is..he skipped out on her, skipped out on her son..who he was supposedly a dad to (I take this kinda personal for my own reasons)..she's made numerous attempts to reach out to him to talk it over and he keeps bailing on her..now which part is he supposed to be respected for? I'm missing something.

[AKSleever 57]

OTR Sleever not everyone is dising him, everyone is lending an ear! All we have to go on is what she says, and as a support group we are here to give whatever advise we have went through with our own personal issue

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

He also left her with unpaid bills. Hello? She sure did state the fact that he did her wrong. He continues to avoid his responsibility financially and as for emotional support during a time of physical and emotional pain well he sucks. So yea, you can't automatically assume he needs your defense the same as "if we had based unfair assumptions on him". Which we have not, I doubt seriously she came her to decieve us all. Come on she needs support not unfounded assumptions on how great the man is that just hurt her and her child!

[O.T.R. sleever 3,386]

OTR Sleever not everyone is dising him' date=' everyone is lending an ear! All we have to go on is what she says, and as a support group we are here to give whatever advise we have went through with our own personal issue[/quote']

I totally agree, and those that support without belittling I commend. My comments were not directed at such persons. It was however directed to those who instead of reading what was written and support this woman decided to throw stones at the person she wants to draw nearer to.

And it amazes me that because this man chose to support a child for the time that they were togethe somehow this obligates him to continue to support said child? Why not suggest she pursue legal action against the child's biological father rather than trashing the man that has been there for six years and may or may not choose to return.

And to respond to a statement in an earlier post. This man filled the roll of father to a child that is not his for six years, YES I believe that alone deserves a certain amount of respect.

[MKambalimath 92]

Its not any more respectful to act like a father for 6 yrs of a 12 yr olds life and then just leave than it is for a real father leaving. When you get involved with a man/woman that has kids, you better be mature before you get into it. Its not just a woman/man, its their kids that you're dealing with.

[lessofmeismore 1,405]

To each there own, obviously your values are way different and once your done your done even at a child's expense. Nice to know 6 years doesn't create any since of parenthood for some people. Also you have yet to address the 3 weeks he has avoided bills and rent. Nice dodge.