Is there a psychologist in the house?

[mercedes 0]

Is there a trick to overcoming myself?

Why am I so self destructive? Not that that matters because I may know a few reasons why and to know it doesn't cure it.

A little refresher to help give insight into my mind....I think I may have mentioned in another thread long ago that I was molested when I was little. Obviously that accounts for the unhealthy view of my body.

But, I am old now and I know it wasn't my fault, I like men just fine and I know they are not all losers just because this one was. I feel like I am over all of that stuff yet some of the bagage must still be there??? Again though, knowing the cause of some of the behaviors I exhibit, doesn't fix them.

A weird thing is that if you were to ask me if I was happy, I would have to say "yes" because I am very thankful for the many good things in my life.

(Oh and 2 of my 4 boys are teenagers and they are high maintanance but I don't account that as a negative in my life...eventhough they are hard.)

The ONLY thing that I am not happy with is myself.

Here is me:

I think I am fat and therefore if I lose a few lbs. my mind cannot deal with it and I gain it right back. It's like my mind says "wait a minute! You can't weigh 160! You weigh 165!"

So as soon as I reach my mini goal, I ruin it.

Another voice says that I cannot succeed and that I do not deserve to be anything but frumpy.

Another voice says "If you don't lose weight by this week, your vacation will suck." And I put pressure on and expectations to be perfect right now.

I have had such poor self esteem all of my life. I have always hated/felt negatively about my body and myself. Anytime anyone gave me a compliment, I would counter that it was not true. Either aloud or internally. Still, to this day, I do not usually let people compliment me about anything much. I have never been morbidly obese, just enough overweight to be unattractive (unsuccessful). Which is obviously where my insides demand I be.

I had 5 good years in my early 20's where I was free from my demons and was okay with food (although I did do some bulimia(sp) type things from time to time). I worked and had a good social life. Then marriage and kids and PMS and being stuck at home with food came along and I was doomed to fail.

Another thing that happens is that I get out of sorts every few weeks and it takes a couple of weeks to feel "normal" again. By that time I have done so much damage (weight wise) that I am upset with myself for that. I feel like I just start feeling good and then here comes another wave. I deal with this inner aggitation by eating to calm myself. I crave sweets and carbs and am unaware of what I am putting in my mouth. I just want to feel better and so I eat. I am a little crampy and so I have always felt it's probably PMS. Sometimes it's worse than others.

Am I going to have to go on Prozac? I hate taking ANY pills. I am bad at it.

I can't take pills because of the band, right?

Is there a cure?

Why can't I allow myself to succeed?

How can I overcome the inner self that demands that I remain overweight? That overweight is what I am? That tells me I am not worthy of success?

Do self destructive people ever come out and conquer that bad inner self?

Is it even worth seeking counseling?

If anyone has been here, and then conquered, please tell me how you did it.

This band will never work until I can get my mind right.

[Wheetsin 714]

Everything is worth seeking counseling. You just have to find a good counselor. I will PM you in a bit.

[Elisabethsew 50]

Yes, professional help would help. What was done to you long ago involved a violation of your body and your psyche. By keeping yourself overweight and preventing yourself from getting to goal, you create a safety net of keeping your body safe from the violation you suffered years ago.

You're special and you matter and you deserve to work through this so PLEASE take the first step and call a professional.

[the best me 6]

mercedes, I agree with seeking professional help. In addition, your "perfectionism" comments made me think of FlyLady.

Check out www.flylady,net it's an e-mailing list for taking care of your home. Believe me when I say, it relates. Just sign up and go with the flow as best you can without getting overwhelmed or beating yoruself up. She also has a book called Body Clutter, and you can find it in the FlyShop. Or at Amazon. Maybe at the library. Good stuff.

Keep us posted. (((hugs))))

[mercedes 0]

I go to a gym right now and it is part of a Dr.'s office who does both surgery and medical weight loss. I've done the medical weight loss and there is a Psychologist in his office and so I guess she'd be the best since she's been working w/ over weight people. I'll make an appt.

[CCBSTX 0]

Good for you Mercedes! Reaching out for help and grabbing ahold of it! So glad you're making an appt. It never hurts for folks to seek out professional help. Good professional help, can benefit all people. We all have some issues that may need sorting out, at one point or another.

As a child, you've gone through trauma and yes that affects your psyche into adulthood. Of course, you know that already! Knowing and doing are two different actions.

Yes, you can take pills banded. Depending upon your restrictions, some swallow whole and others divide/grind them up.

Take care, Shawn

[cathgr8 1]

I have been through much of what you describe. My surgery was the result of the changes I made once I got the help I needed. If one of your children came to you and told you they felt like you do, wouldn't you get them help? You deserve the same treatment. Take care of yourself for a change. BTW, Prozac comes in a liquid, so don't rule it out if that's what you need.

[mercedes 0]

Prozac comes in liquid?

Cool!

[NJChick 3]

Jinkies Prozac comes in liquid form COOL Beans !!!!

[GayleTX 1]

Sounds like you are on your way to getting a better life.....you understand a lot of things about yourself already - you just need someone to teach you coping strategies. That's what a good counseling can do. Not all counselors are created equal, but sounds like the one right there is a specialist in wls patients. That's another good thing you have going. Don't go in the door expecting to be given pills....counselors don't write prescriptions. Do go in the door expecting to do some hard work at changing your life.

How long has it been since you had a thorough physical?....I mean a really complete work-up with an internist who will do blood and xrays and bone density and mammo and thyroid..... and who will also spend some time talking with you. Never, you say? Well, get one!! Ask for a recommendation at the counselor's office or the gym or from a nurse you know....don't just wander in some doctor's office....they aren't created equal either. So very often a chemical/hormonal imbalance in our body causes us all kinds of havoc that we blame on our head when it's really our body talking to us. Do it right away or counseling will be harder than it should be.

Best wishes from a fellow bandster and a counselor.....and someone who knows what I'm talking about and also what you talking about (sometimes even counselors need a counselor). Life can get better!!

[mercedes 0]

Hi Gayle,

Ya, I'm not good at pills. No doctor ever has to worry about me getting hooked on anything...it would never happen. Well....unless it comes in caramel flavor and has about 500 calories per serving : )

I really am a pretty happy person. I just don't get why I continue to do what I do to ensure my own failure w/ wl. I mention the things I do because I am grasping and thinking "is it this? or is it this?" I'm hoping that someone has overcome it before me and can teach me...Just a hope : )