Small Rant

[2ndtimesacharm 35]

I am a Fairly established sleever (3 months post op) and I feel I am doing well, I have lost 50 pounds and went from size 18 down to a 12/14. I am feeling great, I chose not to tell every person I know that I had the surgery, I only told the people I knew would support me so I chose not to tell my mother! She is very happy that I have been getting myself healthy and going to the gym everyday but she is always giving me backhanded compliments like " you are looking great but you gota Lot more to go so don't stop!" or like today when we were comparing my wedding day pictures to recent ones, I was married 8 years ago, I happen to be 10 pounds lighter than I was on my big day and instead of just saying I look good she tells me I do look good but last week my face looked thinner!! I am down 4 pounds from last week!! Sometimes I really just want to scream at the top of my lungs DUH I am not going to get any bigger I had Surgery!!! But I know it will be a holy war! I am not looking for a compliment every time I leave the house I would really rather no one say anything but I really really don't want this at all. Why don't people understand that you don't always have to speak!!!

[LilMissDiva Irene 3,282]

I am a Fairly established sleever (3 months post op) and I feel I am doing well, I have lost 50 pounds and went from size 18 down to a 12/14. I am feeling great, I chose not to tell every person I know that I had the surgery, I only told the people I knew would support me so I chose not to tell my mother! She is very happy that I have been getting myself healthy and going to the gym everyday but she is always giving me backhanded compliments like " you are looking great but you gota Lot more to go so don't stop!" or like today when we were comparing my wedding day pictures to recent ones, I was married 8 years ago, I happen to be 10 pounds lighter than I was on my big day and instead of just saying I look good she tells me I do look good but last week my face looked thinner!! I am down 4 pounds from last week!! Sometimes I really just want to scream at the top of my lungs DUH I am not going to get any bigger I had Surgery!!! But I know it will be a holy war! I am not looking for a compliment every time I leave the house I would really rather no one say anything but I really really don't want this at all. Why don't people understand that you don't always have to speak!!!

I've had to have some heart to hearts with people in my life for the same reason. I think the fact is they don't always know exactly what to say, so whatever comes out is probably not worth saying at all.

Perhaps you can just tell your Mom, "Hey Mom I love you very much and I appreciate your being happy for me - but you don't have to comment about my weight every single time you see me." <~~~ Make sure you're smiling when you say that. Sometimes that is enough. It takes the pressure off of her feeling like you expect her to say something and it takes the pressure off of you having to hold inside every crazy thing she mentions.

LOL!! If only life were easy huh?

Take care, and congrats on all your success thus far. You're doing fantatic.

[BlessedBeyondMeasure2012 296]

I said just yesterday how I wanted to reach through the phone and choke my sister's mother (who happened to also give birth to me but I was so aggrivated at her I wouldn't claim her). My mom is not happy about me having surgery and is extremely happy that it has been postponed for a while. While it was still scheduled I got advice from her all the time about how I could lose weight without surgery. Now that it is postponed (I'm pregnant) she told me yesterday how I didn't need to gain any weight during this pregnancy and if I didn't, by the time I had the baby I would have lost weight. Thanks, Mom, I couldn't put that together. Anyway, I feel like she doesn't want me to have surgery on one hand but on the other hand wants to fuss at me for being too fat. I wish she would make up her mind! Please don't get me wrong, I have an amazing mother and I love her more than life, BUT she is about to drive me crazy! I hope your luck with your mom gets better. Keep your head up and keep on losing. I can't wait til I'm sitting on the losers bench with you! Maybe when time comes for my surgery mom will have changed her attitude about it. At least I hope so. Remember you aren't in this alone, we are in it together!

[Giselle3264 175]

Congratulations! When I read your post, my mouth dropped open. You are doing GREAT! I'm glad you posted this because I haven't told my mother either, and because she lives in another state, I will probably be 6 months post op before I do. I love her madly but she can be rather "disapproving" I'll be interested in hearing how others handle this. I sure don't know how to! Continued success to you

G.

[Randi 21]

I can relate - when I was in grade school ( and overweight with two skinny sisters) one of my Dad's larger friends used to say to me "Thin may be in, but fat is where it's at" and give me a little pat on the back. THANKS!!!

Then, when I lost a bit too much weight in high school my grandmother used to say "hey, you're not so fat anymore".

I'm 49 and these things still hurt when I think about them. But you can't let what other people think or say control your life.

[2ndtimesacharm 35]

I said just yesterday how I wanted to reach through the phone and choke my sister's mother (who happened to also give birth to me but I was so aggrivated at her I wouldn't claim her). My mom is not happy about me having surgery and is extremely happy that it has been postponed for a while. While it was still scheduled I got advice from her all the time about how I could lose weight without surgery. Now that it is postponed (I'm pregnant) she told me yesterday how I didn't need to gain any weight during this pregnancy and if I didn't' date=' by the time I had the baby I would have lost weight. Thanks, Mom, I couldn't put that together. Anyway, I feel like she doesn't want me to have surgery on one hand but on the other hand wants to fuss at me for being too fat. I wish she would make up her mind! Please don't get me wrong, I have an amazing mother and I love her more than life, BUT she is about to drive me crazy! I hope your luck with your mom gets better. Keep your head up and keep on losing. I can't wait til I'm sitting on the losers bench with you! Maybe when time comes for my surgery mom will have changed her attitude about it. At least I hope so. Remember you aren't in this alone, we are in it together![/quote']

I laughed out loud when I read your sisters mother I feel the same way most of the time!

[karenb4729 309]

Its funny - this thread got me thinking about mothers. When I told my son who is 27 that I was having WLS he was very supportive. He came to vist the week I left the hospital and during the visit he decided to "come clean" with me. He told me that well over a year ago his wife had her tubes tied because they don't want to have children. I guess they were afraid to tell me because they thought I would be upset or try to talk them out of it. I just looked and said that I wasn't surprised and that I knew they didn't want kids and that it's their life anyway. I did say that I was a bit hurt that they didn't tell me. Sometimes mother's can be more understanding than what you think they will be.

[Pookeyism 1,143]

Resolve what you can, if you can, as quickly as you can...I lost my Mom a week after surgery...I still fade a little inside every time I say it.

My Mom would have been terrified and supportive and negative and proud, and I would have had issues too...would have, and never will.

[bratvp63 118]

I can so relate when it comes to mothers. I don't have any siblings around to pass her off to but sometimes I wish I could. She has been very supportive of the surgery but I get those little comments all the time about gaining weight back and "Oh, you can't have that anymore". I think she chooses what to hear and acknowledge and it drives me nuts. She'll say "oh you're doing so great, I hope you don't gain the weight back" OMG, every single time and each time I tell her about how that can't happen. I think they lose their filters as they get older.

[clk 3,519]

Hugs for dealing with that.

And I'm probably totally out of line but that's what happens when we talk about personal things in an open forum - sometimes someone volunteers things you don't want to hear or don't agree with. So before I start, please forgive me if I give offense.

I personally feel that our weight problems (in almost every case) start with our heads and emotions, not our stomachs. There's a reason we abuse food like a drug, that we overeat, that we hide from things with it and continue to do it even when we start to hate our external appearance and know food is to blame.

I would evaluate your relationship with your mother and see if there are any triggers there that have caused you to feel badly about yourself or that have contributed to whatever you've got going on that helped you gain weight in the first place. If you can pinpoint it you can confront her and talk it out, or at least be aware of it so it doesn't set you into an emotional tizzy.

I never considered that I had a lot of problems with my mother because we were finally on good terms before surgery, but I did have some poor habits I learned from her to deal with post op. And I didn't realize that she was perhaps unintentionally lashing out at me because as a woman that is very overweight herself, she was jealous that I was leaving her behind and finally losing the weight. This conflicted with her happiness that I was doing what she wasn't able to do and left me with a mom that was sometimes very supportive and sometimes very hurtful. Once I could talk to her about it, we were able to move forward, and we're trying to find a way to fund her surgery now.

Don't just get mad and brush it off, think about it and what it says. I have no doubt your mother loves you. But if this is an opportunity to learn more about who you are and why, and change it, and possibly help her to see things your way, why pass it up?

Congrats to you for coming here to vent instead of doing something to set your progress back.

~Cheri

[2ndtimesacharm 35]

Its funny - this thread got me thinking about mothers. When I told my son who is 27 that I was having WLS he was very supportive. He came to vist the week I left the hospital and during the visit he decided to "come clean" with me. He told me that well over a year ago his wife had her tubes tied because they don't want to have children. I guess they were afraid to tell me because they thought I would be upset or try to talk them out of it. I just looked and said that I wasn't surprised and that I knew they didn't want kids and that it's their life anyway. I did say that I was a bit hurt that they didn't tell me. Sometimes mother's can be more understanding than what you think they will be.

I agree that they can surprise you but I think if I came clean to her she would be ok with it but just giver her more ammunition to say a nasty or snide remark. I do love her and it hurts me that I feel I can't tell her this because it t has been one of the best decisions I have ever made but history proves she is not ready to hear this.

[2ndtimesacharm 35]

Resolve what you can' date=' if you can, as quickly as you can...I lost my Mom a week after surgery...I still fade a little inside every time I say it.

My Mom would have been terrified and supportive and negative and proud, and I would have had issues too...would have, and never will.[/quote']

You just face me a jolt of reality! I am so sorry about your mom and you are rigt, we need to resolve our issues sooner rather than later

[2ndtimesacharm 35]

Hugs for dealing with that.

And I'm probably totally out of line but that's what happens when we talk about personal things in an open forum - sometimes someone volunteers things you don't want to hear or don't agree with. So before I start' date=' please forgive me if I give offense.

I personally feel that our weight problems (in almost every case) start with our heads and emotions, not our stomachs. There's a reason we abuse food like a drug, that we overeat, that we hide from things with it and continue to do it even when we start to hate our external appearance and know food is to blame.

I would evaluate your relationship with your mother and see if there are any triggers there that have caused you to feel badly about yourself or that have contributed to whatever you've got going on that helped you gain weight in the first place. If you can pinpoint it you can confront her and talk it out, or at least be aware of it so it doesn't set you into an emotional tizzy.

I never considered that I had a lot of problems with my mother because we were finally on good terms before surgery, but I did have some poor habits I learned from her to deal with post op. And I didn't realize that she was perhaps unintentionally lashing out at me because as a woman that is very overweight herself, she was jealous that I was leaving her behind and finally losing the weight. This conflicted with her happiness that I was doing what she wasn't able to do and left me with a mom that was sometimes very supportive and sometimes very hurtful. Once I could talk to her about it, we were able to move forward, and we're trying to find a way to fund her surgery now.

Don't just get mad and brush it off, think about it and what it says. I have no doubt your mother loves you. But if this is an opportunity to learn more about who you are and why, and change it, and possibly help her to see things your way, why pass it up?

Congrats to you for coming here to vent instead of doing something to set your progress back.

~Cheri[/quote']

I have no doubts that our relationship had a ton to do with my gaining weight. She is and always was a thin woman and put pressure on me constantly to be thin. I was not built on a slight frame, I was a soccer player fr 25 years so I happen to be very muscular. She didn't understand at all how I could "let myself go" at such a young age. She and I got over a lot of our differences once I had kids but the weight issue has always been a sore spot, I don't know why she as such a ard time supporting me or just being positive she and I still have so much to work on and I get he courage to tell her about the surgery I think we could work it out oh and btw I am a native new yorker you could never offend me I welcome honesty!

[missmeow 156]

Most of the time people who say rude things can't take it when the tables are turned. Maybe start commenting on her weight too. Tell her she looks like a shriveled up prune face and ask her if she is sick. Maybe she will shut up then.

I think a lot of fat folks are so used to having abuse heaped on them and taking it that it becomes very hard to stand up to people. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate that kind of belittling.

I'm totally crampy today, can't you tell?

[SexySlim 107]

Moms will always have their say. You just still gotta love 'em. Mine is the opposite. Last week I went out and got some new bermuda shorts because I want some summer clothes that fit. I went to NY & Co thinking I won't be able to fit the 18's yet. So they fit and I was sooooo excited! I told my mom I'm finally in a regular 18 and down 45 lbs. Her reply: well don't overdo it, don't get too thin. Whaaaaaa??? So now an 18 is thin!!! I told her I just want to be a 14 so I have 2 sizes to go. She was still negative. Needless to say, I will not discuss my weight or size with her ever again. She came to my house last night and said look at you skinny lady. I said thanks. This morning I told her I'm 3 lbs. away from 50 lbs. I guess I'm excited and want to share with her, but better prepared for the backlash. We have to remind ourselves we made this decision for us and nobody else. So keep up the good work!