Puberty, Daughters, and Eating Disorders

[winner 0]

Earlier I asked whether or not to tell my 12 year-old daughters about my scheduled banding procedure. The answers were thought-provoking and straddled the tell 'em/don't tell 'em fence. I wanted to see if a poll received more imput. So, they are 12 and beginning their journey to maintain a healthy image and fight that battle of the bulge. And, as twins, it is really hard that already one is known as the bigger one. Unfortunately, I can't stop the world from budding in, especially from well-meaning family members.

So, Yes tell them,

No, not now...

I also am a healthcare professional for the past 20 years and see patients with various eating disorders. Most of these problems begin as a preteen and are exacerbated in the teen years. Many of them become very unhappy adults with severe psychological disorders.

When all is said and done, doing what's best for my kids is more important than anything else.

Thanks for you're time and help!

I am so happy to find a group of people so thoughtful and happy to help!

Winner:speechles

[Nana~ 4]

I dont see a poll

Nana~

[Nana~ 4]

okies now I do

Nana~

[aaamom 0]

I am a social worker, my husband is a nurse, so we both have experience in mental health and the medical field. We also have 11yo and 12yo girls. We decided not to tell them about my procedure for many reasons. Mainly, I do not want to focus on weight at this stage in their lives. Although I Knew I was doing this for my health, I knew they would focus on the "vanity" aspect of the outcome. Also, I was concerned about them worrying about me being hospitalzed and operated on. My recovery was so benign, I dont think they even realized I had been gone overnight !!!! I will tell them someday, if they have a desire to know and can handle the info.

[Boo 3]

Are you open or closed?

One consideration is whether you will be open about your band with others or a "closet" bander. If your girls know, chances are they will share that information accidentally, even if you are private. On the other hand, if you choose to be open about it, but keep it from them, they will find out. Do you want everyone to know, or do you want it kept private?

[Bettina 0]

I told my kids (18-girl, 17-boy, 9-girl) they all support me. They all know I do this out of desperation...they know it doesn't have to happen to them. They know that I let this happen to me. ....But, they also know if it does happen to them (because of predisposed genetics)....there is hope for them....We are not ashamed.. we are glad for the band. The kids like that the band is a chemical free way for me to diet. The kids are thrilled that I am doing something to get healthy. (you know, just because they are children it doesn't mean that they don't get pressure from their peers...eww your mom is fat...sort of thing)-(I have only been this heavy for the last year.. luckily) Now my husband on the other hand, he's another story....lol. He doesn't understand why I am doing this........when I am back to me.....he will understand...lol.

[Jachut 487]

I voted yes. I think we're in danger in society of going too far in the other direction - so afraid of eating disorders and self esteem disorders that we cant approach the issue of obesity honestly with children.

Fact is kids today are fed absolutely abominable diets and are not given the opportunity to get enough exercise. There is no point beating around the bush with it, kids need to know what the result of todays lifestyle will be - they will get obese and be at risk of disease. Most teens who become obese dont have eating disorders, they have lifestyle disorders and habits firmly entrenched from a lifetime of poor lifestyle choices. Kids grow up these days not even knowing what a healthy diet consists of and the serving sizes we have grown to think of as normal are simply ridiculous.

You only have to look at people pushing their 4 year olds round the shopping centres in strollers with a bucket of hot chips and a bottle of coke to realise the problem is not true eating disorders.

I think unless you have reason to suspect real problems (and yes prepubescent and adolescent girls are vulnerable self esteem wise) then there is no need to hide the facts of life. Eat too much, dont exercise enough and you'll get fat. You cant hide the fact that it's happened to you personally from them, they can see that, so why not be honest about a sensible solution?

But how you handle your lapband is paramount. This may sound harsh I dont think teens need to see their parents living on Protein drinks and PBing often either - I think if you've got impressionable children in the house then moderate weight loss on a normal family diet is the way to go. So that they get the message that this is how you eat for everyday life. Make exercise a family affair, not some hard slog or torture that you HAVE to do. Change their habits when you change yours.

I dont really think it says that there's an easy answer to weight loss since most teens would rather avoid getting fat in the first place.

[Bettina 0]

Depriving kids of knowledge or Snacks can be devastating. I was a lunch aid for 1st and 2nd graders last year......Zach-who happens to be my neighbor is a little "chunky" so I was surprised to see what was in his lunchbox......gatorade and a container of tuna---not a sandwich...a container. Okay so everday Zach would eat some of his tuna...and ask to go to the cart.....special for kids..they can buy snacks for under a dollar...salad, hard boiled eggs, cupcakes, ice cream..etc...you get the picture. So every single day for 6 weeks solid, Zach would get 2 bags of doritos. Since he knew me, he volunteered that his father won't let him have them at home. Dad is skin and bones and works out every second he can!!!! Zach plays football, baseball, Karate, you name it!! But at home because of all the extra activities, he is dormant. Zach goes for the one thing his father doesn't want him to have. Instead of educating him and allowing him to add the snack with healthy snacks, he forbids the not so healthy -causing cravings. I allowed my kids whatever they wanted, but they also would eat well, my older two--they would just as soon pick cucumbers over a hershey bar any day...so when they did pick the , I knew it was no problem. My 9 yr old is a whole different matter, she is allowed snacks, but I buy the healthier choice of what is out there. She has to eat the good foods first, then the snack/treat is allowed.

So there is no way I'd keep anything from my kids...they have to know both sides. Zach needs to know the consequences of his actions, and be offered an alternate snack. oh yeah, I told his mother. If I were my kids, I'd want to know.

[Jachut 487]

Yes, I do think you've got to fight the tendency to make food an enemy. Food is just food, some more healthy than others, and kids just need to understand that some foods - like Doritos - are not everyday foods but just occasional foods. Not forbidden but not good in large quanities.

[Bettina 0]

Yes, I do think you've got to fight the tendency to make food an enemy. food is just food, some more healthy than others, and kids just need to understand that some foods - like Doritos - are not everyday foods but just occasional foods. Not forbidden but not good in large quanities.

Exactly!!!:biggrin1:

[gonnabethin 10]

You may feel that you are not ready to tell them now but if they ask you cannot lie. They are embarking on years of future trust issues. When they are 16 and you ask where they have been and they lie- the response will be well you did when.......

They are old enough to understand even if you ask them not to make it public. I have found that information is powerful- and they will feel better if you include them in information loop. You are entering years of teaching them trust and adult responsibility. That includes communication. You will want them to come to you for information regarding sex, drugs and boyfriends- by including them you show them trust and importance of familyhood. To them this is on the same scale.< /p>

I think you will be suprised that they will be very proud of you for taking action.

[Kat817 19]

I just had my second fill, and I have restriction!!! Anyone who knew me at all, would know something had changed, simply by the way I now eat. As I am sure you have read and been told a million times, the band is just a tool, and you have to work with it for it to work. Many people who choose not to tell about it, simply say they are losing weight because they are eating less and exercising more. If you want the band to be successful, you will be doing both! So simply telling your daughters, that you had, or are having the surgery, is just the begining, they will also be living the lessons of the band with you. They will see you eating smaller, healthier meals. Walking from day one, and increasing the exercise in your life. You will be shopping different, because your body will accept food differently. You will likely cook differently, eating less, you have to be more careful of what you eat, so it is the healthiest choice. And if you cook differently for you, you will be cooking differently for them, more healthy. You will be a much better role model. I agree, I would still allow them their usual Snacks, but would work on gradually changing the things they snack on. Make the change over to more fruit, less processed goodies! Being honest with them, and telling them, that you wish you had not let your weight get so out of hand, but it did, and now you want to do something about it, so you can be around to watch them grow up and have their own children. And ask for their help during the recovery, and by not tempting you when you go through "head hunger". I fear hiding it would backfire, and have many more repercussions,than telling them. I would bet they will be your biggest supporters. In all this world there are nothing like Daughters!!! Good Luck on your upcoming banding!!

Kat

[paula 4]

My baby girl was 3 when I was banded.

She's accepted that mom has "the band" to help her manage weight issues.

She almost 6 now.

When I avoid certain foods, skip a meal, pb.. she'll ask or say something like, "You cant eat cause of your band, Momma?"

No secrets around here.

I voted for "Yes" on the poll.

[wavydaby 1]

I'd say a loud yes to this question.

My mother was overweight by about 50 lbs around this time in my life (12yrs old-ish). She had gained this when she was pregnant with my brother. She lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. I was a overweight child. I noticed. I also noticed how she ate, and it wasnt not good. I tried to put two and two together and could not figure it out. I would not ask how she lost weight because I knew that question would lead in to a barage of "you need to lose weight" discussions.

I only found out that she lost that weight by using laxitives years and years later. AFTER my own issues with laxitive abuse.

12 year old are very observant and would notice your change. I think simple direct answers on WLS surgery would be most beneficial. Especially to the one that is "larger". Then explain how if they learn good habit while they are young, they may not need to have something this drastic when they are older.

It hurt me to think that Mom was losing weight, seemingly on her own willpower and eating the same foods that I was and I was not "good enough" or strong enough or something was just wrong with me because I could not do the same.

I think that if they dont understand how, by the band being a tool, how you are losing weight, It could cause more harm than good.

My biggest thought is, they will see you eating smaller portions and losing weight and not being hungry, they are gonna want to know how Mom suddenly got all this will power and want to know how to get it or why they dont have it.

[juliegeraci 7]

I was obese at 12 years old and I only wish there was something out there for me during that time. It would have vastly improved my overall health through high school and beyond. I would consult with your Pediatrician as well. Good luck.