Adoption Pros and Cons Please

[3loves 0]

How old were you when you had your children?

33 & 35 ~ We plan to have more after I get the green light from my surgeon.

How old is too old to start a family?

Never as far as I'm concerned. I will be in my 40's for our next child and my SIL gave birth in Dec and she is 42. Wisdom comes with age and I'll have to say that I feel I'm a better mother at 39 (currently) than I would have been in my 20's. I have a better understanding of focusing on the important things than the petty things that can cloud you at a young age. **THIS IS ONLY MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE/OPINION AND NOT MEANT TO REFLECT ON YOUNG PARENTS....MY PERSPECTIVE ON MY LIFE**

If you or someone you know had children later in life and could do it over again, would you?

Absolutely. My kids wear me out some days....physically & mentally. At the end of the day, the good out weighs the bad 1000 times over.

Does anyone here have experience with adoption?

We have 2 adopted nephews and 1 adopted niece from Kazakhstan (used to be part of Russia). They are loved and accepted just as much as other family members.

Does anyone want to offer advice or perspective on this?

For pete's sake!! I can't believe anyone would dare say your not "ready". No one ever is. You just step up to the plate and do it. I'm sure you've read some things on this thread that prompted you to consider some things that perhaps didn't cross your mind until this point. Your doing the right thing in gathering information. Sure, your smart enough to know there will be different perspectives. You and your DH will make the right decision. Follow your heart and pray about it. The Lord will open and close doors. Don't put any stock into people saying your too old or that you'll be this age when they graduate. Who cares? Personally, I could care less what someone will think of me when my children are in high school or college. I may need a cane or a walker. Perhaps those people just need someone to talk about and if they're talking about me, they're leaving someone else alone. I can take it and I know you can too. You are your own person from what I gather from your posts.

Stay on this road of gathering info and soon you'll have your answer. Never look back. Go forward and know whatever takes place is meant to be and you can deal with anything that comes your way. Take it one day at a time.

Please give us an update and let us know when you do decide. I wish you the VERY best!!

[MoOrLess 0]

I know how hard this decision is Donna -- I am in the process of raising my 2nd family - I call them my 'inherited children' because I am helping to raise them because their daddy came into my life. I greeted them with open arms 6 years ago - at the ages of 10 and 2.5 -- my own children were 18 and 21 at the time - I thought the 'nest' was going to be empty in another year - ha! I sure had that wrong -- but it was and IS the best thing that ever happened to me....

do they wear me out at almost 49 years of age? you bet! Would I do it all again? definitely! Are there times I have some 'regrets' that I am raising a 2nd family in my 'older years'? sometimes - but never enough to call it quits - legally an easy thing to do - I am not legally their parent but I love their dad and the boys with all of my heart - as well as their 3 grown siblings....all 5 children call me "Mom" and it makes my heart sing!

I went from 2 children (as a single parent for most of their lives) to 5 inherited children who I am blessed to raise the youngest two WITH a man I love and who loves me! I think it makes it easier to have someone to share the good, the bad, and the ugly times of rearing children - just my opinion....and my fiance is loved, accepted and called "Dad" by my two children too!

Everything isn't always cotton candy and ice cream -- unknown to us 6 years ago - the 16 year old has ADHD and mood disorder and the 8 year old is heading in the same direction with the ADHD...it is NOT always easy -but it is always worth it! Their biological mother pops in and out of their lives and leaves them with broken hearts and mixed emotions - all of the time - my heart breaks when I see their tears and confusion - I hold them and know that my love may be the only love they receive - physical and otherwise - from a 'mom' - and I count my blessings daily knowing that I play such an important role in their lives and they leave me filled with love!

Bless you for considering this adoption - bless you for all of the times you thought you would have a child to hold in your arms and it didn't happen --you've had awesome advice on this thread -- at night, as you lay in bed next to your husband - if you feel a small ache in your heart because you want to share the wonderful life you have together with a child - then there is your answer...yes, it is that simple. Wishing you the best as you make your decision.

[Vera 7]

Nobodies ever really ready for children! I had my first at 37 and my son was planned (ovulation Go Boy Go) at 42.

Yes it's work, but i so truly love them. Only you can decide.

God will help you and bless you

[paula 4]

Back in the day - when our great-grand's were having kids (before birth control), it was nothing for a woman to have a baby at 45. So, your not the first. Actually, even older then this.

My grandmother told me that when an older woman has a baby, that it was a gift from God - that baby was going to keep them ( mother & father) young and give them company in their later days.

((hugs))

[Mvpo8961 1]

Donna even young biologically pregnant couples have incredible anxiety and fears and the same emotional rollercoaster of feelings. OMG that is so normal that it shouldn't be an issue.

Yes you will regret and yes you will experience EXTREME joy but that is to be expected. Anytime we change and grow we go through that and you grow with your kids just as much as they grow with you.

I was told by my OBGYN that I would never have biological children so my husband and I looked at family adoption. He has a nephew that has fathered children all across the USA and continues to do so I found out yesterday. We have been to lawyers about adopting etc only to have things not workout. So I can relate to your fear of potential disappointment. But you know Texas doesn't mess around and termination is termination.

Your ready and understandably cautious.

Good luck.

Myra

[pplqueen 0]

I just have to say go for it... IF you have to move to another town in the future to keep away from the parents. do it! What a difference you can make in the life of a child...

"It matters not how much money you make, the house you live in or the car you drive.... The only thing that matters in life is making a difference in a childs life."

some one smarter than me said this......... I have 3 of my own. I would adopt in a minute if I had an opportunity like this....... I would love to adopt. GO FOR IT. Just prepare yourself for potential legal battles......

Lisa

[dotofoz 0]

Donna B: I'm almost 36 and had my very planned son when I was almost 33 while on marriage #2 (having #1 end was NOT my idea). My son is the most wonderful thing that EVER happened to me! I have absolutely NO experience w/adoption thus far, but if you and you your husband feel this is right for you, then go for it!!! I'm thinking the only thing you'll need is to give that little boy all your love and understanding. I'm sure he'll be in a much better home then w/the biological parents. Just because you biologically give someone life doesn't mean the child will be cared for properly. My only concern would be that the biological parents would some how swindle their way trying to get the baby back. I guess thru all the times I've been burned in one way or another, my trust in most folks have kinda fizzled out. I will tell you that when I was born, my mom was 42 (6 years post breast cancer) and dad was 48. My sister was 23 (with a 6 and 4 year old), other sister was 19, and brother was 14. Needless to say I was not the most planned pregnancy ever and this was in 1970, before it was "HIP" to have kids later in life. The doctors highly advised my mom to terminate the pregnancy, but due to her being a VERY strict catholic, that wasn't an option. The biggest downside is that my parents were just plain too tired for an infant, then kid. My dad was 48 and mom, post cancer, come on! When I was 12, she died of yes, cancer. Talk about trauma! My dad ended up being there for me, but then when I moved out on my own, he married my stepMONSTER, but that's another issue. I'm waiting 'til I get banded and drop some weight, then try for #2, then that's it.....

[Poodles 0]

My hubby and I married at 21. We found out rather quickly that we had fertility problems and went thru the state to adopt. Unfortunately, I have back problems, so they deemed me medically unable to care for an infant. And when we tried to adopt an older child they said we were too young. I was also going to adopt my sisters baby... but she changed her mind at 8 months pregnant (she is a user).

So we started saving money to adopt thru the Marshall Islands. As our bank account filled, and my fertility medicine increased, our emotions were being torn from one way to another. On our last dose of medicine, before they cut us off totally... We got pregnant. (And then I got scared... no one is ever ready.) At 5 months pregnant, I started having problems. Ended up on my left side for 9 weeks, and an emergency c-section at 35 weeks. Thank God my baby was fine. He is 7 now, and we would love another one, but have not been able to get pregnant again.

So, when I read this I thought... Oh that lucky lady... to have one basically handed to her. What a blessing! That baby is young enough that it would attach to you, and you would get attached too. Children are priceless. The first time you hear the word "Mom" it is worth everything. When I hold my baby and feel him totally relax, knowing Mommy has him, I feel so important. He is my world... and I still kinda like his dad too...

If your relationship is strong you can make it thru to the other side... meaning the other side of diapers/etc. This one has some advantages... almost out of diapers, probably off formula, eating table food, past the 1 year mark for daycare prices, and it is a private adoption so it won't cost you as much.

Heck... PM me if you need someone else to adopt... I will send you my resume. You are truly a lucky lucky lady...

[DrewsLou 3]

Donna...

DH and I have been researching for well over a year adopting through foster care. These are kids who have been TPR'd from their parents and most have at the very least some emotional problems. The biggest peice of advice that I have learned is to set boundaries with the birthfamily. YOU will be the parent if you decide to adopt this child not them. Once TPR happens they have no say in how you raise YOUR child. It might be challenging as the birthgrandparents are friends of yours but you will need to set firm ground rules with them before (and if) you move forward with this. As far as some of the other things I have read in this thread there are some common misconceptions about adoption. If you decide to move and the child has legally been adopted by you the birthfamily has no say in where you go and where you live. Kidnapping happens rarely... mostly just in Lifetime movies. You will be as "real" a parent as the birth parents are. Adopted children are born in your heart instead of your body, that dosen't make you any less of a parent.

I hope you find peace with whatever decision you and your DH decide to make. Follow your heart!

[Devana 0]

Donna, good luck with all this. We had our son "late", that is when we were both 40. We have more patience than when we were younger and a little less energy. But remember it's the love that counts. Biological or adopted, your child is your child and I know that you will love it to bits. We wouldn't feel any different about our son if he had been dropped on our doorstep by martians.

My one question in all this is why is the concerned agency separating the siblings? I think that's fairly unusual. This may be another aspect of the adoption you may want to consider, whether you want to or are required to maintain sibling contact.

[Yoda 0]

Wow. Okay, so this is the perfect example of what happens when people are provided incorrect information and when it is taken “out of context”. I was going to let this go but it disturbs me that folks are jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on erroneous info. Granted, they were given this "out of context" info in the first place so I can see why this may have happend. Therefore, I wish to clarify.

I was the one who pm’d Donna with the so called “negative message”. First of all, the reason I sent her a pm instead of writing my post on this thread was because I did believe that some would think of my belief as being negative and I did not want to start a debate along those lines here on Donna's valid and important thread. However, for whatever reason, Donna decided to choose to share a few words of my post; albeit out of context….resulting in people being misled about what I had said and more importantly ....meant.

To clarify, I did NOT say that I thought Donna was not ready due to the fact that she started this thread and asked questions. In no way, shape or form did I say that. For the record, I think it is fantastic that she is using all resources she can to obtain any and all info. What I DID say was that I believed if anyone had to ask the specific question, “is having kids worth it” than I believed they aren’t ready for that step. Lets face it…if someone gets pregnant (unplanned) it is a moot point at that time to ask oneself “is it worth it”?… “oops, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant because I don’t know if it will all be worth it” (too late!). In my belief (& experience, I might add….for those of you who think “I don’t know what I’m talking about”) once you are at the point of being on the verge of adoption, you KNOW it is worth it. In other words, you know deep in your heart that no matter what….(ie. even with all the downfalls that you may face along the journey of parenthood) it is sooooooo worth it to have a child and you know this in your heart of hearts….therefore….you go through all means to adopt. So, all this to say that what I actually said to Donna was that if you have to ask yourself “is it worth it”…..than perhaps you aren’t as ready as you may think. I believe that you KNOW deep inside that it IS worth it and that is why you want kids in the first place.

That is what I said and I meant by my pm. But, you all received a few of my words out of context and jumped to the conclusion that I was some senseless moron who accused Donna of not being ready “in general” because she was asking all these questions in the first place….when in reality I was questioning the fact that she was asking THE paramount question … of “is it worth it”. I actually commend Donna for asking all the other questions and gathering as much info as possible. Of course it is natural to have all those other queries...my "issue" was ONLY with the "worth it" concern.

Herein lies the problem: someone asks for advice and I guess I mistakenly thought that meant ALL advice…not just the popular and sugar coated “nice to hear” responses or “this is what I want to hear” advice. I won’t apologize for my honesty; especially when it was requested and not unsolicited. And….please note that my pm was not written in a mean or nasty way at all and I did wish Donna all the best in her Quest with whatever happens. Anyone that chats with me or e-mails/pms me or knows me in any way knows this about me and my character/personality and to assume otherwise on this misguided provision of info is just wrong.

Finally, I still stand by my original remark. It is my belief that if one has to question whether kids are “worth it” that they are perhaps not fully ready to go down that road. What is wrong with that statement? It is not (& was not) a negative characterization of Donna or anyone. I understand that some people may not agree with me which is fine…that is why it is called an opinion (which again, I stress was asked for!) but I will wager that many do agree with me. Afterall, why would someone voluntarily choose to go ahead and adopt if they didn’t feel that it would be worth it?

Anyways, I merely wanted to clarify my point so that some of you won’t be so quick to make judgements on something for which you don’t have the full story.

That being said, despite any replies that may now occur to this post, I won’t see them; I won’t re-visit this thread because if past behaviour I’ve witnessed on other threads comes through and people get unjustly defensive and vindictive, this won't be a thread that will appeal to me. So…on that note….I've said my piece.

Donna: as I said before: I wish you luck with this and know you will follow your heart. I hope that from this people will learn two things....1) not to give misguided info on what others have said and 2) not to always jump to conclusions knowing you don't have the full story.

Have a good one!

:mad:

[Hippo's Hope 0]

Donna, My beloved grandchildren are adopted and in both cases it has been nothing but a positive experience. I have two things I would like to bring up to you. First, my advice, should you accept this assignment, (smile) is to make sure you have a good adoption lawyer to make certain things are wrapped up tight. Secondly, if the biological grandparents of this child are good, stable people, what would be the purpose of elimating them from the child's life? We know and love both our grandchildren's birth families. They are a part of our grandchildren's lives. I am a firm believer in open adoptions and think it is such a healthy approach to be honest with children. If you tell them the circumstances of their adoption and who the biological family is from the time they are small, it is never an issue they have to deal with at a later time. I hope that whatever decision you make, you will be at peace with it.

[Bettina 0]

Wow. Okay, so this is the perfect example of what happens when people are provided incorrect information and when it is taken “out of context”. I was going to let this go but it disturbs me that folks are jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on erroneous info. Granted, they were given this "out of context" info in the first place so I can see why this may have happend. Therefore, I wish to clarify.

I was the one who pm’d Donna with the so called “negative message”. First of all, the reason I sent her a pm instead of writing my post on this thread was because I did believe that some would think of my belief as being negative and I did not want to start a debate along those lines here on Donna's valid and important thread. However, for whatever reason, Donna decided to choose to share a few words of my post; albeit out of context….resulting in people being misled about what I had said and more importantly ....meant.

To clarify, I did NOT say that I thought Donna was not ready due to the fact that she started this thread and asked questions. In no way, shape or form did I say that. For the record, I think it is fantastic that she is using all resources she can to obtain any and all info. What I DID say was that I believed if anyone had to ask the specific question, “is having kids worth it” than I believed they aren’t ready for that step. Lets face it…if someone gets pregnant (unplanned) it is a moot point at that time to ask oneself “is it worth it”?… “oops, maybe I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant because I don’t know if it will all be worth it” (too late!). In my belief (& experience, I might add….for those of you who think “I don’t know what I’m talking about”) once you are at the point of being on the verge of adoption, you KNOW it is worth it. In other words, you know deep in your heart that no matter what….(ie. even with all the downfalls that you may face along the journey of parenthood) it is sooooooo worth it to have a child and you know this in your heart of hearts….therefore….you go through all means to adopt. So, all this to say that what I actually said to Donna was that if you have to ask yourself “is it worth it”…..than perhaps you aren’t as ready as you may think. I believe that you KNOW deep inside that it IS worth it and that is why you want kids in the first place.

That is what I said and I meant by my pm. But, you all received a few of my words out of context and jumped to the conclusion that I was some senseless moron who accused Donna of not being ready “in general” because she was asking all these questions in the first place….when in reality I was questioning the fact that she was asking THE paramount question … of “is it worth it”. I actually commend Donna for asking all the other questions and gathering as much info as possible. Of course it is natural to have all those other queries...my "issue" was ONLY with the "worth it" concern.

Herein lies the problem: someone asks for advice and I guess I mistakenly thought that meant ALL advice…not just the popular and sugar coated “nice to hear” responses or “this is what I want to hear” advice. I won’t apologize for my honesty; especially when it was requested and not unsolicited. And….please note that my pm was not written in a mean or nasty way at all and I did wish Donna all the best in her Quest with whatever happens. Anyone that chats with me or e-mails/pms me or knows me in any way knows this about me and my character/personality and to assume otherwise on this misguided provision of info is just wrong.

Finally, I still stand by my original remark. It is my belief that if one has to question whether kids are “worth it” that they are perhaps not fully ready to go down that road. What is wrong with that statement? It is not (& was not) a negative characterization of Donna or anyone. I understand that some people may not agree with me which is fine…that is why it is called an opinion (which again, I stress was asked for!) but I will wager that many do agree with me. Afterall, why would someone voluntarily choose to go ahead and adopt if they didn’t feel that it would be worth it?

Anyways, I merely wanted to clarify my point so that some of you won’t be so quick to make judgements on something for which you don’t have the full story.

That being said, despite any replies that may now occur to this post, I won’t see them; I won’t re-visit this thread because if past behaviour I’ve witnessed on other threads comes through and people get unjustly defensive and vindictive, this won't be a thread that will appeal to me. So…on that note….I've said my piece.

Donna: as I said before: I wish you luck with this and know you will follow your heart. I hope that from this people will learn two things....1) not to give misguided info on what others have said and 2) not to always jump to conclusions knowing you don't have the full story.

Have a good one!

:mad:

It was very noble of you to come forth but totally unnecessary as we didn't know who the mystery PM'er was. You are entitled to your opinion and shouldn't feel the need to explain yourself. Donna seemed hurt by what she took out of it and the rest of us were consoling . I do have to say that maybe short and sweet would have been a better response therefore not to be taken out of context. (some people take it as preachy) and again, you don't have to explain yourself...this is just an observance. :mad:

[DonnaB 3]

Yoda, I didn't use your name and I didn't misquote you or "mislead" anyone as to what you said. You 'outed' yourself here.

I guess next time you should just post publicly or accept the recipients' interpretation of your message. The other alternative is to post your message in language which cannot be construed as anything other than intended.

Your clearly insincere, smiling "Have a good one!" only reenforces my wary first impression of your initial PM.

[paula 4]

Donna, please keep us updated on your decision. You have my most heartfelt prayers regarding this.