Adoption Pros and Cons Please

[DonnaB 3]

Hi all,

Without going into full details (too tired and too long for right now) my husband and could not have kids of our own. We tried for several years to have kids (inutero, invitro, et al.) and only recently decided it was time to stop trying. I'm 44, he's almost 40.

Some friends of ours' daughter (they had her when they were VERY young) just had her children taken from her by child protective services. Because of the circumstances, our friends (the biological grandparents) are not eligible to take custody of the children.

My husband and I have been asked to adopt the youngest of the children (he's 15 months old.) We want to help them, but this is not a situation of fostering until the biological parents get their act together. This is going to be termination of parental rights and adoption. So . . .

How old were you when you had your children?

How old is too old to start a family?

If you or someone you know had children later in life and could do it over again, would you? Do you think or have they said they would?

Does anyone here have experience with adoption?

Does anyone want to offer advice or perspective on this?

My mind keeps going to the good parts like Christmas and Halloween and birthdays and school plays and it sounds really good. But then I have to remember it's the every day stuff that is the reality. Get up, get dressed, get to school, do the homework, clean your room, take a bath, getting the flu, breaking the china, spilling milk on the carpet, bla bla bla.

I know there's a lot of work involved. That part I've got figured out. What I really need is some discussion of the pros and cons of having children. Is it worth it? I know every mom who loves her kids will say yes, it's definitely worth it but, would it be worth it if the kids weren't yours? Would it be worth it if you had to start from scratch at 44 years old?

I need some perspective here.

[sassacass 0]

I can't offer any insight on adoption, however, I can about late in life children. I'm 46 now. I'm the mom of a 24yo, 22yo, and a 4yo. Everyone told me that having a child this late would keep me young. I don't know about that, but, I do know that I definately would do it all again. I'm not saying it isn't challenging, and it sounds like you understand this, but even on the worst days, I know that I'm blessed that my life has taken this direction. Don't let numbers be the decision makers, just my humble opinion. cassie

[LindaV 0]

Oh, Donna how I know what you are going through. My husband and I have a 10 year old son (a true miracle that he and I both survived my pregnancy) and we have talked off and on for years about adoption.

Private adoption is not an option for us because we just don't have the financial means to make that possible and until the last year or so, while we would never even consider divorce, our marriage has been fraught with conflict including how to parent the one child we do have.

I now feel we have a very stable and loving home and could offer much to a child who needs one but I am still plagued with questions and doubts. Could I love this child like my own - especially if there are behavioral problems along the way? Would the conflict over child-raising start all over again? Could I handle raising another child while homeschooling the one I have? Do I really want to go back to a life that is very tied down with a young child (we would probably try to adopt a toddler) and give up the freedom we have now that our son is older? What if the parents got their act together or another relative surfaced and we lost the child?

I battle all of these questions and yet, when I read your post my heart skipped a beat and I thought "Oh my how I wish that would happen to us!!!" I think I would feel that that child was sent to us from God!

Raising a child is one of the most frustrating, heart-wrenching, time consuming, life-giving experiences I have ever known. It is also one of the most rewarding! Children truly are a gift from God and what an amazing opportunity you have been given.

As far as your age, you are definately not too old! You still have a long life ahead of you and if you should go through with this, you will probably live to enjoy your grandchildren.

So, keep considering the questions, pray a lot (if you are the praying kind), talk to the child's case worker, talk to your family, and, ultimately, do what you think is the right thing for your family.

[JMO 0]

I am a mother of three very close in age. But before I had my first, my dh and I struggled with infertility and misscarriages for many years. Because of this I have been on both sides of the fence. If your asking if your to old, I would say NOT!

If your asking if you should do it? That is only something you can answer... No matter who's child you bring in your home you will bond with and love it as your own... Biologically your mothering hormone will kick in and your love will shower that baby... That is one of the strongest hormones in the human body. This is the same hormone that allows a woman who has adopted a child to make milk and nurse.

You need to ask your self if this is what YOU want... Do you want to have a new member of your family. There is going to be sickness, messyness, frustration, arguments, ect... But if you ask any mother about their children: that is not what we talk about.. We will tell you all the fun and exciting things we have gotten to witness. Being a mother is the most rewarding job you could ever have. And I honestly think that would be true no matter if your child is adopted or natural.

Good luck and let us know how it goes...

[Bettina 0]

I have three kids, I was 24 when I had my oldest daughter...she will be 19 in Oct, my son will be 17 on Sunday and then the youngest daughter is 9. Keeping me younger, I doubt that...lol. My older sis adopted her daughter..I am pro adoption..she waited till she was 33 to adopt and mind you all her friends were done having kids at that point......but you have to ask yourself this.....you and hubby can pick up and go whenever you want....at this stage of the game do you want to change that? And you need to discuss how important is it for you to have kids? And this is going to sound bad...but its still an issue that needs to be addressed......when the child graduates high school, is someone gonna think you are grandma and not mommy...I know several people going thru this. With my older kids...i am a young mom compared to the others...with the 9 yr old, I am on the older side of the scale (i just turned 43 last monday) My sis had a hard time having her kids older because her friends kids were older and these women got to go here and there at whim, while my sis was toting around a diaper bag. A friend of mine didn't want kids and her husband was okay with that, but he said she had to work then.....and they jet set all over the world. Its a tuff decision and I wish you all the best!

[Tricia K. 0]

I have no biological children of my own (yet) but have an 8-year-old stepson whom I couldn't imagine not being in my life. My husband is adopted and if we are unable to have children on our own, we will adopt as well.

I don't think you're too old at all and, based on your past attempts, it seems as though you and your husband really want a child. I think that adopting this child would be a great thing for the everyone involved.

Best of luck to you.

[GayleTX 1]

My main concern in this situation would be the possible complications involved with adopting children from a family that you know quite well. Today's courts have made it impossible for a family to ever feel secure in the 'forever' of adoption.

Are you prepared to deal with the fact that your friends (the grandparents) and their children (the bio parents) will always be arond and will be a reminder to the children and to you that they are the 'real' parents, that you may just be temporary.....maybe not in a legal sense but in their minds. There will be complications, but there are in any family.

You also need to be concerned with the genetic and environmental backgrounds of the children....there will be possible factors that make them difficult to deal with. Are you accepting of possible problems they may have that require psychological help? Children from a background bad enough to cause parental termination are not always easy to deal with.

Of course, the children we bear ourselves are not always easy to deal with, but somehow it's easier to accept.

These thoughts are not to say do not adopt. They are just reality and things that you need to be aware of before you say 'I'll give them love and a clean room and that will cure all their problems.' It will definitely make their life better and make your life richer, but you need to be aware that it won't be easy. There will be special challenges that you will be faced with.

It's wonderful that you are even considering taking the children, and I hope it works out well for all of you. Be willing to accept them as they are and don't expect having them to make your home into a model family...don't set yourself up for unrealistic expectations and be prepred for some tears as well as lots of happiness and love.

Best wishes to all of you.

[candy444 0]

I can only tell you my own experence. I have a beautiful 5 year old little girl. I got Hannah when she was 3months old and very sick. The first year was very hard, lots of time making trips to the Doctor. Hannah was the child of my brothers wife, (not his, she's biracial) and born with cocaine in her system. The mom continued to use drugs and breast feed her. When she finally ran off again my brother called us and said come get these babies, their are 5 all together, but he ment the two youngest. After years of going to get the girls from vairous police stations and keeping them thru stays in jail for both of them, my sisters decided between them that I was going to take this one and not give her back. If I had not received the support from my friends and family I couldn't have made it thru the stress of court and a raising a child. Did I mention that I am single, I was resighned to never having children of my own at 32, or that my mom had died suddenly of phnumonia 10 months before? You know how they say if you wait till you can afford kids you will never have them? It bankrupted me to fight for 3+ years in court. Would I do it again for Hannah? You bet your ass I would. She is so healthy now, tallest kid in her kindergarden class, smart and beautiful. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself anymore and having my surgery next week is just as much for her as it is for me. I want to ride rollercoasters with her and take her to Disneyland and do all the things its hard for me to do at 350lbs. She is my inspiration and the best thing I will ever do. I know its not for everyone, kids are hard. They are generally ungrateful, messy, have the worst timing, break your stuff, and tourture the cat. Hannah filled my whole life up and I never knew I had that much available space. I know what its like to have a baby just fall out of the sky and into your arms, I have had moments of doubt, but never regret. Candy

To be banded in TJ on 8-25-06

[virginia 0]

Do what you think is best, we have been going threw court and a appeal, just to keep our 2 little girls we fianally won permenant custody. we have been in court for almost 4 yrs, the family member trying to take them is relentless, but we dont give up either, because we are doing what is right for our little girls. my kids are from a distant family member. but i tell you what its well worth it !!!!! they call us mom and dad, and we love each other to know end, and know one can break that bond .its cost us out the batootie ,but id do it again, I'm 44 yrs old and we tried for yrs to have children but could not, and im glad i waited later in life. there our little angels.we have all learned alot from each other, there are very smart. our girls has 6 other siblings scattered everywhere, but like i said do what you think is right and good luck...virginia I had my lap-band july 22nd,2006 ive lost 14 lbs.:clap2:

[HunnyBun 2]

Some complications I can think of are:

The real parents might come into your home and demand to see the child.

The other family memebers of that child might butt in ALOT, argue your parenting methods and never accept that child as yours.

If you want to move away someday it might be difficult and the child's family might try to stop you.

The mom might consider kidnapping.

The family of the child will never let you have your space/

etc...

Just things I would be concerned with.

Having said all that... I think being a parent is the most incredible and rewarding experience a woman can ever have. Being a mom is a blessing like no other. I guess you have to figure out if you can provide the best home for that child given the circumstandces. Maybe this baby would be better off with parents that don't know the biological family. Or, maybe this is exactly what this baby needs. You have to do what is best for ths child.

[Carlene 12]

Donna...

How old was I when I had my children? Well, my oldest is adopted (I was 21), then I had three subsequent children when I was 24,26, and 27. But I know about older parenting, too. My mom was almost 40 when I was born, and her sister was 44 when she gave birth to twins! How old is too old to start a family? Well, we are raising a grandchild - she just turned 14, my husband is 62, and I'm 57. Good grief...I've been raising kids for the last 35 years!

As for adoption vs biological, it's a non-issue. I knew on the way home from the agency that this was MY baby. My other kids used to say I loved Tommy best because he was adopted. Not true, but I did love him first.

You are right about it being hard work, but the payoff is priceless, IF you are longing to parent a child. Not everyone is born to be a mom - especially at 44 - and if you have doubts about jumping into this, I can certainly understand. On the other hand, if your arms are aching to hold that little baby, then I say don't let age deter you.

Now for the down side. Your life will never be the same. Next year's vacation will not be romantic (but Christmas will be magical). Your house will never be the same. Before he is potty trained, your carpet will be pretty much trashed, as will the interior of your car.

You will be spending your Social Security check on braces and senior prom, but so what? He will force you to keep in touch with a generation that you might otherwise never learn to appreciate.

But at the end of the day, the whole thing comes down to just one question...how badly do you want to be this child's mother? It the answer is more than anything, then go for it.

[Stesti 0]

I am very close to my nearly 6 year old niece who was adopted. She was 10 months old when she came to us from China. It has been the most amazing experience for my entire family. My brother loves to tell me that they had to go all the way to China to bring me my "soul mate".

When she's older, we have very few answers for her. She'll know what province she's from but never a clue to her birth parents. (She was abandoned at 3 days old) She loves to tell people she was born in China and that her Chinese name is Fiji.

Best of luck to you. Our experience has been so happy....I hope the same for you!

[gjray 0]

I am an adoptee who birthed children 'late in life', 38 & 42 years old to be exact. As for the adoption part, I learned in my early twenties when my ex-husband and I were pursuing adoption due to infertility issues that it takes a lot of love from the birth parents to relinquish their children. However, in this case you must consider that you will be 'friend mommy'. This sounds harsh, but allowing the birth family (grandparents) to stay in your lives is going to be uncomfortable to say the least. The child will be yours and with time he will started to act and look (he will take on your mannerisms) like you. Parenting is not an exact science and the birth family will eventually want to intervene on behalf of their kin. Now, from and adoptee viewpoint, I am the oldest and I have three siblings (all birthed by my adoptive mother). I have family - parents who raised me, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, neighbors, etc. As a teenager I thought I wanted to seek out this idealist family that would welcome me with open arms, however, by the age of 18 I knew who my family was and they had always been with me. My daddy encouraged me to locate my birthparents but I declined. My parents never allowed ANYBODY to refer to me as 'the adopted girl'. I was their daughter EXCLAIMATION POINT! The chosen (selected by them) daughter. For those who made that mistake, they only said it once. Additionally my parents birth children into their mid-forties. :biggrin1: Now to the subject of 'late in life' parenting. I married another husband at 35. We had several miscarriages before the 'blessing' that forever changed the way I live, love and think. We were true DINKs (double income no kids) - had all of the toys you'd expect. It took less than 2 hours for my heart to beat to a new rhythm. I have never worked so hard and received so much joy. That was my first child. Three weeks after 911, I found out I was with child again. My biggest fear was could I love this child as much as I loved the first? This time I fell in love in minutes. My baby was truly 'love at first sight'. Now I am 46 (I survived but the marriage didn’t ) and the love just keeps on growing. I am a better mother than the average 20 something mom. I can offer wisdom that younger parents are still learning. I will have retired from one job and began another career by the time my youngest graduates high school, but I am planning for it (not Social Security). Hey, there are more 40-50 yr old first time moms than you can imagine. I cannot describe the joy when your baby starts school and you lose your identity and you become <baby's name>'s Mom.

Joy, Joy, Joy that will be your new theme. Was it worth it? Would I do it again? You bet! As for the lapband, I needed to get healthy so that I would be around for my kids.

[DonnaB 3]

Thank you everyone for your heartfelt responses - even including the PM that said "if you have to ask, you're not ready." Your insights and concerns are very much what I had hoped for and, in some ways, expected! lol

This has been a crazy weekend of hope and doubt and courage and fear! In short, every emotion you can think of, we've experienced it! A slight exaggeration, but that's how it feels.

We've spent hours discussing this by ourselves, with family members and with the biological grandparents. For the sake of clarity, everyone in the biological family understands that if termination of rights and adoption occurs, they would have no legal claim on these children. In a perfect world, our friends could participate in their grandchildren's lives, but we all understand that if it came down to it, we would be the parents and that that could result in the end of the friendship. Even knowing this, they still think this is the best option.

Even after this long rollercoaster of a weekend, I still don't know what to hope for. Mostly, I don't want to hope for a child (again) and be swept up in that fast moving current of hope and longing, only to have to come to terms with not having children at the end of the day. It's a tough old world, isn't it?

As for that negative PM, I thought that by admitting your fears, acknowledging you don't know all the answers, and asking for advise and opinions meant you were exercising maturity. It never occured to me to think that someone would take that as proof positive that I wasn't ready. That really stung for a second, then I got over it and realized that everyone is entitled to their own perspective - right or wrong. It also clarified for me that, in my heart, I'm definitely capable of the love and committment required to take on this challenge. That was really never the question. The question is, at the end of the day, will it all have been worth it? Will I have regretted it, or will it have been the best decision of my life? And of course, there is no answer to that question until it's already happened.

[Bettina 0]

Donna,

Call me crazy but I think you are ready for the challenge:rolleyes: of having kids. As far as someone saying if you have to ask you are not ready---they don't have a clue what they are talking about....I planned to have children and I still wasn't ready!! LOL. Babies don't come with a manual. Every child is different so just because you got one down pat doesn't mean the next is gonna be a breeze! For you to think so deeply about this, tells me that you are ready. (smart people ask questions-just remember that -ignore the advise of the PM'er) The only thing that struck me when you asked (and I addressed this in the prev post) is the lifestyle question...being in your 40's and just starting can be difficult (my older sis is a prime example of that-but she someone who requires lots of attention herself--so that is what was bad for her) But having a baby doesn't mean you don't stop living....taking babies along on trips is not so awful....I wouldn't take a baby to Vegas....LOL...but other places are always good. Just remember that once they are potty trained...omg that is worse than diapers....its mommy I got to potty ..at the most inconvenient times (like standing in line at Shop-Rite...ugh) Adoption is beautiful too because you "choose" to have that child. My sister celebrates her daughter's birthday and "adoption day" so very cool

I wish you all the best, and whatever you decide I know you'll be great!!!!! :clap2: Take care of yourself! :cool: