female only Relationship Troubles

[Amanda 3.0 140]

Yeah, I'm really bummed by the fact that we have this trip coming up. We already put down our deposits and booked plane tickets, so we'd be out like $3000 each if we cancelled. I don't really have 3 grand to just throw away. To be honest, since we aren't necessarily having any sort of acute problems, I would be completely fine waiting until after our trip in November to figure things out....but he's determined to actually get married in Antarctica, which is a big problem. All he does all day is talk about how he can't wait to get married, how we're going to be together forever, etc.

It's a nightmare, I feel like a terrible person.

I would be happy if this were an open relationship and I could see someone on the side, but he definitely wouldn't be ok with that, as he's rather insecure. Interestingly, though, despite him being very insecure, he adamantly refuses to work on his weaknesses (e.g. having a bodyfat of 35% despite not even being overweight). Instead, he just trashes the people at my gym for being "meatheads" if they are guys or "looking like dudes" if they are female. I've definitely touched on the topic of looks and fitness with him before, and he gets upset and/or starts mocking me for being a hypocrite because I had WLS. I've tried to get him hooked on working out, it just isn't happening. I'm not gonna lie, his body is a turnoff to me. Oh, and to answer a question that was raised in a number of replies above, I was not terribly attracted to him in the first place. I remember the first time we had sex, I was very disappointed, but told myself it'd get better with time. Well, it hasn't. One thing I've been telling myself since is that looks fade over time, anyway, so even if he looked like a Greek god today, 20 years from now, he wouldn't, so I've tried not to focus on that too much. But I don't know if I'm making a mistake.

This is the longest relationship I've been in to date, so I was wondering, for those of you who've been married for 5, 10, 15+ years....are you still physically attracted to your partner? I don't really know what's "normal."

I've been married for about 12 years now. I am still very physically attracted to my husband, although he has gained some weight. His weight fluctuates though.

Prior to my marriage, I lived with a guy, and even relocated 1500 miles to be with him. Here is what I learned from that:

If you are not married, and you are not attracted (physically) to your mate, you should move on. You can say you will rely on him being a "nice guy" or having the best sense of humor, whatever, but in reality, physical attraction does matter. Especially in the early years.

You have to decide what is important to you. If an attractive and trim mate is important, then you should seek that.

If he plans to get married in Antarctica, and you are not sure, then the trip sounds like hell for both of you.

$3,000 is a lot of money for a trip, but in the big scheme of things, you will recover from the $3,000 loss pretty quick. Don't make a life decision based upon $3,000.

[missmeow 156]

Well, if someone was talking like that about you, would you want to be with them?

Probably not. Because everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them and not someone who sticks around because they think or thought they couldn't do better or likes their company. You have friends to keep you company. A partner needs to be something more than that. So find yourself someone who you can really love and be partners with and let him do the same.

[Dooter 1,457]

OH wow...this is tough. Not easy to answer, but I don't suggest marrying a guy that you will be divorcing or wishing you could divorce. Life would be hell going into it with the feelings you have already. Not saying you should just give up and dump him, but consider your future, and his, if you go through with it to spare his feelings, or money. (not that you would.....)

I've been married 13 years, and together with my husband for 17, and I am only more attracted to him every day. Have been since the moment I laid eyes on him. Literally. I told the girl standing next to me, "THAT'S the guy I'm gonna marry!!" And i did. He makes my heart go "pitty pat" and when I do the laundry, I take extra time to smell his shirts! My "happy place" is laying with him on the couch, my head on his chest. I could stay there forever. I can't imagine being without him.

That's how marriage should feel. :wub: :wub: :wub:

[TheNewSusie 471]

I agree with other about you need to be happy. You can either talk to him and work ur way through it or make a choice and leave. You need to find which way you will be happier. I'm in a long distance relationship but everytime I talk or see my boyfriend my heart warns up. As hard as long distance is, I'm very happy. He also travels daily for his job so when he comes to Houston, ( which is always a surprise because it's never a set date) I'm the happiest person in the world. My point is BBJ and now Mesaucedo. Do what makes u happy now kinda happy or annoyed, then ull never be happy. Best of luck!

[PollyBlue 22]

Wow. This is like deja vu. I've been exactly where you are. With a guy for 10 years - the loveliest guy, kind, considerate etc. Towards the end of our relationship I was lusting after almost anything male and sleeping with my boyfriend repulsed me because it felt like I was sleeping with my brother! It was unkind of me to keep staying with him just because we were in a kind of happy habit. In the end I did break it off, a few months later I met the lust (and love) of my life, and 15 years on we are still in lust (and love). It is kinder to him to break off now, in my humble and completely unprofessional opinion. Let him find someone who lusts after him just the way he is.

[LezzieLez 180]

Hey, I am pre-sleeve and an active lurker at times - but I just wanted to chime in... I was in a similar situation and hope that my posting helps. My ex, was my best friend - I met him when I was 15 and just had a baby (yes, I know). Even though he was 16 and not ready to be a father, we had a great friendship and he helped me with my son whenever he could.

After 7 years of unsuccessful relationships, depression, and a 80lb weight gain - he asked me to give him a chance. We started dating and I loved it. My son already had a great relationship with him, this guy already knew everything about me and accepted my flaws, and I knew it was going to work out.

Well, that was until we had sex- a YEAR later!!! It was awkward and I thought it was because he was like a brother to me for so long. We both figured that it would take time to adjust and dismissed it. Well, it didn't change. We were not sexually compatible at all! I decided to keep on and try cheating. Well, I did, and cried all the way home because he was a great guy and I didn't want to hurt him. I went alone to a sex therapist, asked successful wives for their bedroom secrets, toys, etc...

It took me 5 years of efforts, cheating (didnt get caught), and regrets to finally move on. I moved away - from NY to GA and guess what? He followed me! Guess what else? We had awful make-up sex and I ended up pregnant!! Oh and guess what else? I accepted his proposal.

Lastly, guess what? Nothing changed. I went through my pregnancy horrible because I was salivating at the site of another man. I left him again after my daughter was born (4 months away from the wedding date) and now we are cordial, but he is still hurting. I am too- because he treated me like a queen and I know it just can't work. I feel like I blew my blessing and that I was selfish. But I know I cannot go back and hurt him again despite the fact that my love life is empty and non-existant.

Don't wait until November.. I know that is a lot of money, but stringing someone (especially someone in love) along for 6 months is devastating. Plus they may SNAP! Have you seen that show? ( Snapped?) Sorry for the length!

[deltadawn817 106]

I have been wtih my husband for 10 years I could write your post today.. haha. You marry a friend as there are many stages of "love" Love changes over time also other things as we have 2 kids to add to the crazy hectic daily lives. I even find myself saying to myself "I hate you" meaning him. we are not perfect and neither are they. We can just be the best for ourselves.

[Mews 37]

I've been happily married to my best friend for almost 11 years. Yes we have our problems but we've been able to work through them. When I was in college, I was originally engaged to another guy who I thought was the "love of my life." He was a great guy, really cared for me, etc. but our sex life sucked. He had performance issues. Instead of trying to do something about it, he just stopped having sex with me. We became friends rather than boyfriend/girlfriend, and I started to look at other guys to meet my needs. That's when I knew I couldn't keep the relationship going. No matter how hard I tried, he was not willing to do anything to help our relationship. It broke my heart (and definitely his) when I ended it, but it worked out for the best.

In your case, what I would suggest is having a sit down with him and explain to him what is going on. He NEEDS to know ASAP. Maybe he would be willing to change his ways if he knew how you really felt. Sometimes guys need a good slap in the face to get a point across. If he's not willing to change then you have to seriously think about whether or not you want to spend your life with this person. If not, is it fair to either of you? No. I could recommend couples counseling but if he's not willing to change then there is nothing you can do to salvage the relationship.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

So, I've spent a lot of time crying and agonizing over this the last 2 days, and then tonight I got home from the gym and just told him right away. I just said that he's my best friend and a wonderful person, but I don't feel attracted to him physically, and that will never change, so I don't think it's fair to either of us to drag it out.

He was very angry, and made some pretty unpleasant comments to me, including (of course) commenting on how he stuck by me when I weighed 200+ lbs. He even said he would've gone to the gym had he known it mattered so much, but honestly, it's not the real issue. Like some of you above said about your past relationship, it just felt like he was my brother. No matter how gorgeous my brother got, I'd never want to have sex with him, you know? Anyway, he said he hopes I find some meathead who will treat me like crap so I realize what a mistake I made by breaking up with him. Packed a small suitcase and went to his grandparents, telling me he'll make sure most of his stuff is out of here by end of May and that he will avoid seeing me like the plague because "the sight of you will make me vomit."

URGH.

[Star1221 270]

You are a very strong woman. Although it hurts now, both of you will realize this is better for the both of you. Take nothing he said personally. When people feel hurt, defence mode comes into play and things are said that are meant to cut you to the bone. You're heart told you what to do. Now take a breath, have a glass of wine, draw a bath, and feel everything.

[BlackBerryJuice 349]

Thanks. Thanks to everyone who responded and shared their personal experiences, it helped a lot. My mom had long been concerned about the fact that I wasn't attracted to him, but I just assumed that it's normal in long-term relationship. But seeing some of the people here say they are still crazy about their husband 10+ years down the road made me understand that I shouldn't settle for this. I think if I were, say, 60 years old, I might have just kept things status quo, but at 27, I think I still have a good chance of meeting someone who will be my soulmate AND someone I want to get in bed with.

[TheNewSusie 471]

That takes a lot! Great for u, and god has a plan in store for you. Trust me . After a six year relationship I thought I'd be single for life then an angel came into my life a few years later and has been here since. Work on yourself and do things for yourself and U will be happy you did what u had to do. God bless.

[Mews 37]

I'm sorry things went so rough. You have my sympathies on that end. In the long term it is probably for the best. I believe that no one should ever settle. I think there is too much emphasis on getting married and having kids while your young. Take the time to find someone who stimulates you both mentally and physically. I think that's one of the reasons why my marriage has lasted so long: I knew what I wanted and when I found it I've never let go.

[LezzieLez 180]

Yes, you will find someone that was created just for you! You are strong (more than just physical ), smart, sexy, and you know what you need!

[coops 1,790]

BBJ,

Not much to say here... but I am thinking of you and although it seems a little harsh at the moment, in time it will get better. I suppose it is a little like the greiving process. Take care of yourself x